The ramblings of a single woman... (TFKA ...crying pink and green tears...

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by Love_Spell_6
so I dont know... why date a brother for a month or more just to find out he still wants to play the field...

Girl, I don't know. I know that if we only date men who are interested in marriage, we might not date at all. Also, what if he lies? Cuz I know y'all know men who one day were interested in marriage, then the next day didn't know what marriage was. I don't think they lie intentionally, I really don't. I think they are just as confused as we are. Wait, are we confused? Scratch that last remark. THEY are just confused.

[Love_Spell_6]

Originally posted by Ideal08
Girl, I don't know. I know that if we only date men who are interested in marriage, we might not date at all. Also, what if he lies? Cuz I know y'all know men who one day were interested in marriage, then the next day didn't know what marriage was. I don't think they lie intentionally, I really don't. I think they are just as confused as we are. Wait, are we confused? Scratch that last remark. THEY are just confused.

You are sooo right! the situation just seems hopeless sometimes...

[Jorrie96]

I understand the whole idea of not wanting to waste your time with someone who isn't looking for the same thing. However, I think there is such a thing as coming on too strong. If you say something like "I want to get married" to the wrong one you may have a devil of a time getting rid of him!

I'm convinced that I'm looking in the wrong spots. I attend church regularly. The whole club scene isn't for me....where else is there?

I just don't MEET guys and have no idea where to go to do that...

You're right; sometimes it does seem hopeless!

[TonyB06]

I've read this thread and really feel for what's been said. I think most of yall have good bullisht meters and can spot foolishness coming (or, at least soon after it arrives.) Someone called it a "line," but I think sincere guys really are interested in "getting to know someone." Beyond the attraction that draws you to approach, both sexes want someone with emotional/intellectual depth. (besides, if all you want is freakery, there are sistas down just for that program as well. I met a few--they're scary.)

Jorrie96's post made me think. I tend to meet people just doing what I do. I'm not a bar/club person either, but I do events; frat/sorority and civic functions (grad chapters are hype in my area), youth sports events, business settings, church, grocery store, etc. Usually a few mintutes conversation, or a date or two, and you've got a sense of whether or not this person should/could be in your life on some level(s).

And if it's any consolation, men have similar if contrasting, issues. i.e. the sista who starts out cool, but wants you to meet her children, her parents, siblings and her 8th grade teacher, all in the first week. I'm like "hol up, what's your name again? Can we see if we like each other, first?"

Ultimately, I think we eventually get the peeps we deserve. So, stay up, yall. we gon make it.

[ivygreen]

TONY I REALLY FEEL WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I GOTTA DISAGREE ABOUT THE SINCERITY OF MOST (TSHI...THE VAST MAJORITY) MEN. IT NOT LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW THEMSELVES WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW FROM THE GIDDY THAT SHE IS JUST NOT MY TYPE!!! WE REALLY CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH. IF YOU NOT DIGGING ME LIKE THAT THEN OK...I GOTTA GIRLFRIEND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SHE HELLA COOL!!! HALF THE TIME WE CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH A GIRL THAT REALLY IS YOUR TYPE.

[AKA_Monet]

I have to be honest with y'all... It ain't easy being single. I was 34 when I got married and I am almost at my 1st year anniversary...

Y'all are trying to find "good men" that fit your terms. Well be honest: What are your terms, really?

I gave up 2 extremely good bruhs because they did not "fit" my little "fantasy" I had as a "husband"... One was an extremely good man--a medical doctor, smart, sweet to me, no pressure to be physically intimate... The other was a lawyer, but there were questions about his "preferences"...

Anyhoo. I wanted the tall, dark chocolately, rich and handsome... And I got those men, too. But they treated me like crap... And it hurt...

But where I HAD to paradigm shift was with my husband. He ain't tall, he's not chocolately--more like honey caramel, he ain't rich in monetary supplies, and really, his first picture he sent to me, was less to be desired...

But he was smart, and loverman gave me a massage package at this upscale downtown Dallas hotel spa when I first met him--like the isht was not cheap... He said he wanted me to be relaxed...

He was good to me. And that is important.

COMMUNICATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!

If you can communicate at ALL levels with your love--even telepathically--then half your relationship problems will never be a problem...

There are several men around that are "dateable" and "mateable". It is matter of what you are willing to have as the "dealbreaker"... What can you tolerate? Can you tolerate a man who wants the "corporate wife" that doesn't work and only cleans and makes his dinner? Can you tolerate bruthaman that loves to work? Can you deal with men's fragile egos... And OHH how men love to "grandstand"... What CAN YOU TOLERATE, REALLY?

Do you want to be fighting with your husband's toys all over the flow as well as your kid's toys? And YES, men have toys... My husband has an XBOX... Do you want the man to bring home the bacon all the time? When do you want to buy that house? Do you want Inlawitus? Can you deal with that? Forget the fact of all your side wonderin' when the pregnancy is gonna happen... What about fertility issues?

The grass always looks greener over the septic tank...

You single ladies, I feel fo yah... I was there myself before. But what worked for me was to paradigm shift and YES, settle if I wanted to be married...

I do not think I settled for less. Nobody can fulfill all your fantasies. That's why they are called "fairy tales". Only you can fulfill all your desires by being happy with who you are and wanting someone else to enjoy the "wonder" of you...

Men do fall for how a woman makes him feel... Meaning, they fall for her "smell", her "touch". How she makes herself presentable when he sees her... How she dresses, how she keeps her house, how she runs around the house and the place. It feeds his ego when he knows he has made a woman happy with the littlest of things--like taking out the trash... Putting the toilet seat down...

Men do love to feel needed... Don't ask me why? Many men are not secure with themselves. The asswipes that we've been with are the ones you see the most insecure. But the good ones have many insecurities that need nurturing too...

At the same time, don't doormat yourself... Don't be "there" for him at a drop of a "hat" and he ain't married to you--and even then...

And I can tell you marriage is give and take. More giving on your part than taking... But it is about "biting" your tongue. Mine is totally thrashed. I want to "lit" into my husband for doing some stoopid-assed isht, but I can't. Then I cannot fly off the handle when I am PMS,MS,post MS'ing... He calls me "wiggin' out"... So, when I put myself in check with him, half the time, I stop, 10 seconds, breathe, breathe again, and the wigginess subsides... It hurts his little feelings when I get on him. And that hurts our marriage... There is only so much we can take...

So ladies, that is why we old married ladies are telling you that you best know yourself and what you will tolerate before you get married... Cuz you MUST know how to handle your idiosyncracies before you can handle his...

[1savvydiva]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
There are several men around that are "dateable" and "mateable". It is matter of what you are willing to have as the "dealbreaker"... What can you tolerate? Can you tolerate a man who wants the "corporate wife" that doesn't work and only cleans and makes his dinner? Can you tolerate bruthaman that loves to work? Can you deal with men's fragile egos... And OHH how men love to "grandstand"... What CAN YOU TOLERATE, REALLY?

This reminds me of an episode of Sex in the City. You are so right though!

[Attractive#7]

Originally posted by ManndingoNUPE

I would always tell my ex that if we didn't make it, that she was going to make it better for my next. I happen to believe that.

I hate that sh*t. My ex told me that. You made me the man I am today. If it wasn't for us, I wouldn't know how to be a man or a good boyfriend...that's all well and dandy, but why in da blue hayull do you think that I wanna know that I made you a good man for the next chick to reap my benefits??? It's like you been playin the slot machine all nite, you turn you back and somebody else cash in and win your earnings.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by 1savvydiva
This reminds me of an episode of Sex in the City. You are so right though!

Some things are too comical that cannot be used on SATC...

But "deal breakers" have always been around before SATC...

[Maya AKAngelou]

So let me pose the question of soulmates....I've once heard that you only have two great loves of your life: the one you let go and the one that let you go.

As far as soulmates are concerned, do you feel that you have met yours at some point? The person that it has been predestined is your equal counterpart?

In my situation, I have met a GREAT man! I love him to death. The love I have for him is friendship, mental, spiritual, physically ( ) but also intimate. I feel that he is my soulmate, yet not romantically. I do believe that he is the man that some higher being has decided has to be a permanent part of my life. The conflict is that I feel that he may be the one for me.

This guy and I have had our "no-titled, no-strings" relationship for almost two years now. We are with no one else but each other and are very open. we talk about everything because we are best friends before anything. I want that title on the relationship so that I can say to the world "YES!!! HE IS MY MAN!!!" but I do not know what that might do to us.

My friends say leave it alone and it will develop but u know how we women are when that "itch" comes around. The problem is that I do not know if I should continue to wait for him. I do not want to pressure him and ask but I do not want to keep going to sleep at night wondering if tomorrow he'll ask that question I've waited two years for.

Please someone, anyone, give a sistah some advice......

[1savvydiva]

Hey...there is a thread somewhere about soulmates...it had a lot of good opinions in it. I think the title was "Soulmates, do they exist" or something like that.

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...ight=soulmates

[Steeltrap]

Right now, I'm feeling like I'm 40, fat in the wrong place to be so (LoCal), never will be married or have a child. Translation: a complete loser and my mother and sister (a mother herself) are lording it over me on Mother's Day.

The reason I'm feeling this way: I was blindsided today by my nephew, who's bringing his (nonAfAm) gf and her nonAfAm child to dinner. I get these horrible mammy/Sambo images whenever I see them.

Of course, I had another vicious row with my mother and sister, and my sister asked me: "what are you going to do with a baby?"

That's not the point.

Back later.

[TonyB06]

(((((((Steeltrap)))))))))

[1savvydiva]

((((((((Steeltrap))))))))))

We love you girlina! Just remember that your self-worth is not determined by your weight, your relationship status or any other external factors such as that. Also, don't allow yourself to feel inferior by your mother, sister or ANYONE.

[btb87]

Soror ST,

I have intentionally not read much from this particular thread, but felt like I had to respond when I saw what you posted.

Unfortunately, sometimes family think that just because they're family, that gives them the right to say whatever is on their minds. Now just because they can and DO say whatever's on their minds, doesn't make it right. You would do the same thing with a child that good mothers do: love it, nurture it and help it to become the person that it will be.

I would rather see you in the state you're in now than married and miserable. Same goes for many of my other Sorors and Sisterfriends who have posted here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married - when your marriage is good, it's great; but when it's not good, it's awful (hope that wasn't too confusing). Better to be by yourself and lonely than married and lonely. Take it from someone who knows.

Don't allow those little seeds that have been placed by your family, friends, etc. to take root in your brain and grow. If nobody else has good things to say about you, then you say good things to yourself! Encourage yourself!

I know it's hard, but try not to be moved or swayed by things that you see (I keep telling myself this too, so I"m preaching to me as well) because everything isn't always the way it seems.

I'm done now. . .