In-law venting thread

[AnotherKD]

Okay, I got one. I just learned this yesterday afternoon while randomly going through Facebook. Now, I will preface this by saying that I know Facebook is kinda stupid, but my SIL has apparently de-friended me within the past month or so.

What pisses me off is that she is an adult. She was in my wedding (more as a favor to my husband and his brother than anything). Whenever we DO see each other (always in their hometown, because GOD FORBID she and her husband drive the 2 hours to come see us, which they have never done), we hang out a bit while my husband and his brother hang out. She has my husband's parents wrapped around her little finger because she is a high-school dropout who refuses to get a job even though they always struggle with finances (allowing her to spend all of her time at my in-laws' house) that has given them their only grandchild and lives 3 miles away from them, and so she is over all of the time and is basically BFFs with my husband's mother. They can talk shit about me, I don't care.

I don't need to be her friend, that's fine. But what I do expect is for her to be a fucking ADULT and at least tell me why she is angered or offended by me. After all, it's not like we can just completely cut off contact. Of course I will see her at some point. My husband refuses to say anything to his brother, because he never takes my side in anything dealing with his family (and since she has been married ever since she was SIXTEEN to my BIL, she has been his "family" for about 10 years). I really want to send her a message, but I'm afraid that anything I say will just fan the flames. Any advice????

[agzg]

Originally Posted by AnotherKD

Okay, I got one. I just learned this yesterday afternoon while randomly going through Facebook. Now, I will preface this by saying that I know Facebook is kinda stupid, but my SIL has apparently de-friended me within the past month or so.

What pisses me off is that she is an adult. She was in my wedding (more as a favor to my husband and his brother than anything). Whenever we DO see each other (always in their hometown, because GOD FORBID she and her husband drive the 2 hours to come see us, which they have never done), we hang out a bit while my husband and his brother hang out. She has my husband's parents wrapped around her little finger because she is a high-school dropout who refuses to get a job even though they always struggle with finances (allowing her to spend all of her time at my in-laws' house) that has given them their only grandchild and lives 3 miles away from them, and so she is over all of the time and is basically BFFs with my husband's mother. They can talk shit about me, I don't care.

I don't need to be her friend, that's fine. But what I do expect is for her to be a fucking ADULT and at least tell me why she is angered or offended by me. After all, it's not like we can just completely cut off contact. Of course I will see her at some point. My husband refuses to say anything to his brother, because he never takes my side in anything dealing with his family (and since she has been married ever since she was SIXTEEN to my BIL, she has been his "family" for about 10 years). I really want to send her a message, but I'm afraid that anything I say will just fan the flames. Any advice????

Resist the urge. I don't know your SIL so I can't say for sure, but I change my friendslist on facebook all the time, and it's not a source of drama for me. And if she does have an issue, unless you caused it, it's hers, not yours, and if you did cause it, you'll find out eventually. It might not be anything you want to change/apologize for.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by agzg

Resist the urge. I don't know your SIL so I can't say for sure, but I change my friendslist on facebook all the time, and it's not a source of drama for me. And if she does have an issue, unless you caused it, it's hers, not yours, and if you did cause it, you'll find out eventually. It might not be anything you want to change/apologize for.

Completely agree. If your husband won't deal with what is essentially his family issue, ignore it. It's not worth your time or energy. She's probably jealous of you.

[ellebud]

Originally Posted by AnotherKD

Okay, I got one. I just learned this yesterday afternoon while randomly going through Facebook. Now, I will preface this by saying that I know Facebook is kinda stupid, but my SIL has apparently de-friended me within the past month or so.

What pisses me off is that she is an adult. She was in my wedding (more as a favor to my husband and his brother than anything). Whenever we DO see each other (always in their hometown, because GOD FORBID she and her husband drive the 2 hours to come see us, which they have never done), we hang out a bit while my husband and his brother hang out. She has my husband's parents wrapped around her little finger because she is a high-school dropout who refuses to get a job even though they always struggle with finances (allowing her to spend all of her time at my in-laws' house) that has given them their only grandchild and lives 3 miles away from them, and so she is over all of the time and is basically BFFs with my husband's mother. They can talk shit about me, I don't care.

I don't need to be her friend, that's fine. But what I do expect is for her to be a fucking ADULT and at least tell me why she is angered or offended by me. After all, it's not like we can just completely cut off contact. Of course I will see her at some point. My husband refuses to say anything to his brother, because he never takes my side in anything dealing with his family (and since she has been married ever since she was SIXTEEN to my BIL, she has been his "family" for about 10 years). I really want to send her a message, but I'm afraid that anything I say will just fan the flames. Any advice????

Since I have such a wonderful mil, would it surprise you that I also have a fabulous sil as well? Trust me, you do not want to know what convoluted reasoning she has for her behavior. It won't change.

We didn't go into their house for 28 years. We didn't go in because she didn't let Jews into her home. Is that reasoning or hatred or jealousy? Pick one, move on. We officially cut the ties btw. Recently, against her will we have had to see her The best part for you? (and me) She makes her point by hiding in the wine cellar (freezing cold) or leaving the minute we enter the door. (My mil lives with them so we take her out.)

My favorite? Asking my bil about him and he'll talk for an hour. She sat in her car in 100 degree heat so as not to talk to us. And she was in the wine cellar for 45 minutes...almost turned blue. Yes, passive/aggressive...but gosh, it works. Be appropriate, be the lady you are and know that you will infuriate her more by refusing to engage.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by ellebud

We didn't go into their house for 28 years. We didn't go in because she didn't let Jews into her home. Is that reasoning or hatred or jealousy? Pick one, move on. We officially cut the ties btw.

What is up with your in-laws and the anti-Semitism? I mean, really. I thought I got a lot of it during my failed attempt at conversion but this takes the cake.

[ellebud]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

What is up with your in-laws and the anti-Semitism? I mean, really. I thought I got a lot of it during my failed attempt at conversion but this takes the cake.

I sent you a pm.

[Jill1228]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

What is up with your in-laws and the anti-Semitism? I mean, really. I thought I got a lot of it during my failed attempt at conversion but this takes the cake.

OMG, girl! Your SIL is a hot mess! I thought mine was bad. DH and I have never been inside my BIL and SIL's house either. However, they have been to ours (only because we had MIL move with us). Now that MIL is gone, and BIL can't sponge off anymore $ from her we won't be seeing them. BTW, MIL didn't have much, we are the ones that supplemented her each month

[AOII Angel]

My SIL called my husband last week saying that their mother was going to give her money to drive to Phoenix to live with us until she found a job. What? And who invited her? My husband asked if she had any interviews. Of course not. He also asked if she had worked out with her baby daddy that it was okay to take her son to Phoenix with her. She planned to just take him since she wants to break up with him! Double WHAT?! Anyway, my husband emphatically told her that we do not have a guest room and would not welcome her to kidnap her child and hide him in our home away from his father. He also told her that he would appreciate if their mother would stop hatching hairbrained plans involving us supporting his sister and her baby. BTW, she has a college degree but won't keep a job. Yippee! I prefer when I'm not communicating with my inlaws.

[AnotherKD]

Thanks, guys. I guess I just needed to vent (and otherwise keep it to myself instead of sending her a message). Thanks for your thoughtful responses.

[PeppyGPhiB]

I'm lucky to have the in-laws I have. I generally enjoy spending time with them! That said, my MIL sends me all kinds of forwards and attachments (that probably have viruses) to my WORK email. Stories about cute kids, cats, jokes that I was emailed 12 years ago when I was in college, etc. She also comments on almost every one of my Facebook status updates, usually not getting my joke or sharing TMI on my Wall.

[FSUZeta]

she sounds lonely-could that be it?

[IrishLake]

I was reading this thread earlier today and I thought to myself "It's a good thing I like my in-laws, though there's been problems, they've been nothing like this. I'm lucky!" Granted they make me batty sometimes, we've always gotten along fairly well.

Now I can't stop fucking crying I'm so upset. My husband just got into a huge fight with them.

FiL lost his job 2 years ago due to economic lay offs. Ever since, he's been depressed, and slowly just keeps slipping into a deeper dark hole. Everyone in the family has noticed. He's in his 60's, but can't afford to retire yet, but no one will hire him because of his age. So he's skating by with odd jobs and unemployment, and he and MiL have been fighting like husband has never seen.

Well, while husband has been in the fire academy in columbus (mon-fri for the past 7 months), he has been living with his parents. He has only been using their house as a place to shower and sleep. He never even studied there, he always went to the library. He chipped in on food (shared whatever he bought, if he used the last of the milk or bread, he bought more, etc). He cleaned up after himself. One thing my husband is not, is a slob or lazy. He's very, very anal retentive about cleaning up.

Well, hubby graduates tomorrow and starts his first day of work on Monday. He will no longer need to live at his parents house. He will come home the 2 days he doesn't work (24 on, 48 off). Plus, we're moving in 3 weeks to be closer to our jobs, so driving long distances will no longer be an issue. Subsequently, we'll be moving closer to the in-laws, about 20 minutes away from them.

Recently things with them have gotten... weird. Out of his 2 brothers, we're the only ones with kids, and the only ones who've ever really been reliable for family stuff. First, last week when talking to his mom about us moving, his mom said "well, don't expect your dad to come down and help you guys once you're moved in. He's said he won't drive that far since gas is so high." Um, ok. We never planned on asking him to come down, even though I work long hours and hubby's future schedule, we could USE the help. But he's become such a cranky old man that he doesn't tolerate the kids very well. I'd never ask him. (Never mind the fact that he willingly drives 20 miles to the other side of the county to mow younger BiLs lawn for him once a week since he works out of town, and that's putting his riding mower on a trailer and towing it 40 miles round trip).

Then, MiL says to hubby on monday, "I don't know if I'll be able to come to your graduation on Friday, I don't think I'll be able to get out of work." Um, what?????? This is something my husband has been working so SO hard for, I couldn't be more proud. MiL has a habit of not being able to say "no" at work and as a result, they walk all over her. And it was a bit of a punch in the gut because when youngest BiL graduated from his fire training, they were there. They were there for the ceremony, they were there the day before when they had a practice fire videotaping and taking pictures. They made sure they were there, and they've displayed his pictures all over their house. BiL has been trying to get on with the Columbus FD, but has never been able to pass the tests. Hubby got on right away. BiL took classes at a community college and works part time at a few townships near where he lives, in addition to his full time construction job. Younger BiL has always been the "favorite" and hubby the stereotypical middle child black sheep.

Well, tonight, the inlaws came home in the middle of a fight. Hubby stayed out of it until it seemingly cooled down. Then MiL went out to their car for something, came back in and said to FiL "Thanks for bringing in the cooler" snarky of course (and this is the sweetest saint of a woman ever). FiL says "Well THAT sonofabitch could have brought it in." and pointed at my husband! WTF??????

Needless to say, shit hit the fan. FiL said that to take the heat off him and drag hubby into their fight. Lots of horrible awful things were said, about me, about hubby, about FiL. Hubby left, took all his stuff with him. Left his house keys there and the last thing he said to FiL was "Do not show up tomorrow. You aren't welcome. And until you apologize and go get help for yourself, you won't be seeing your only grandkids."

So, now they won't be at the graduation. my MiL volunteered to babysit the kids tomorrow night so hub and I could go to the giant graduation party at the union hall sans kids. That's not happening now.

Why can't we just have a normal extended family? All we have is each other to rely on, and it really sucks sometimes. Both of us growing up spent SO much time with our grandparents and aunts & uncles, because our parents were busy working. Our parents were so fortunate to have them. Now, we're trying to survive and work ourselves and pay off debt, but my kids don't have the grandparents or aunts and uncles willing or able (my mom and sister live so far away) to do the same for us. All we heard for years was "when are you moving closer?" and now we'll be closer and it won't matter.

There's a whole lot more, but I'm tired of typing and crying.

[ellebud]

I am so sorry for your pain. I suspect much of this comes from a place of helplessness and anger. Anger NOT at you, but at the fates. After all, you work, play by all the rules and then when the good stuff is supposed to happen...live interrupts.

Life will get better. You are describing people with good core who feel out of control. But I send you hugs...and wishes for peace.

[AOII Angel]

Remember that when people are angry, they say what they know will hurt the most. It's not right, but it is what it is. Hopefully for the sake of your children cooler heads will prevail. Stress makes it hard to think straight, but a little distance and space may be just the thing to bring back family peace.

[IrishLake]

Well, husband graduated. The ceremony was awesome! I was very sad in-laws did NOT show up. I know hub told them not to come.... but a small part of me thought they would anyway. Nope.

Regardless, we had an awesome time!