Dating Men or Women with Children

[Cluey]

Originally posted by James
No but I may Label you a future That-Woman-With-Lots-Of-Cats . . ..

Cats are much better company than screaming, bratty kids. I'll take them any day of the week and twice on Sunday over kids.

Often times, when I am out and about, I wonder why people are allowed to take their kids with them where ever they go, but my cats cannot come with me. They are much better behaved!

[James]

Well . . it says in chapter 4 of the Guy Manual . . . Ready Made Famlies are a bad idea.

And why would we want to put out the financial resources to support a child that doesn't have our gene code? It goes against social biology, especially if that is the only child in the relationship . . .

Originally posted by cutiepatootie
Boy you all don't hold back now on us single and divorced parents in the dating field. I mean come on were not ( or should say ) the majority of us are not looking for a replacment parent for our kids we just want to date too.. label us with the plague ! sheeesh!

[Jill1228]

If you asked me about 7 years ago, I woulda said HELL NO! I love kids and want kids of my own but I did not want a man with baggage (ie a psycho baby's momma).

Most men in their 30s and 40s that are divorced already have kids. But I said "No way in hell would I date a man with kids!"


Famous last words! I met a wonderful man...he had a child from his previous marriage. He has custody of him (the ex wife said, "you gimme the house, and I will give you the kid")

I ate my words...I married him a little over 2 years ago.

Trust me I have nothing but respect for people who say they won't get involved with someone that has kids. It took one hell of a guy for me to do it

[xo_kathy]

Jill, I'm right there with you.

Now I'm living with a man who has a child from his previous marriage. She doesn't live with us, though.

It is definitely hard. It was less hard when we didn't live together because I only saw her once in a while. Now I see her a lot. She's a perfectly sweet girl, very funny and intelligent. Unfortunately, she hasn't been raised the way my kids will be raised (mostly due to a seriously over-protective mother and an only-child environment where she doesn't even have any cousins). She'd very disrespectful to her father, she gets her way ALL the time and cries when she doesn't (we're talking she cries when she doesn't win a board game - she's 8 1/2!!! ) and sometimes I get so frustrated by her! And I don't take it out on her, I take it our on her father, so that causes some drama there. And she has a wack-job mother, but she's pretty harmless.

So, yes, it's hard. And sometimes I wish I was the only woman in my boyfriend's life , but I love him and I know that if he never had a daughter, he wouldn't be the man he is today.

The only thing I'm worried about it that I always b*tch "The kids we have WILL NOT act like that!". I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the butt one day!!!

[XOMichelle]

Yeah, maybe there is another thread... I probably posted on it.

Thanks... there are other facets about him that are good and bad, but I keep thinking about it.

[ShaedyKD]

Originally posted by Cluey
Cats are much better company than screaming, bratty kids. I'll take them any day of the week and twice on Sunday over kids.

Ditto, and I'm allergic to cats!

I saw an acquaintence at our friend's wedding this past weekend, and she brought a very cute firefighter she's been dating. They had to leave the reception right after they ate, because he had to get home to his 6 year old son. At the age of 22, I don't feel ready to have a child, let alone one already in elementary school!

[AKA_Monet]

Most of you--NOT ALL--do not have the experience of what is almost an everyday occurrence in the African American community...

Like this question is practically the 2nd question after: "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No"

"Do you have any kids?"

"Yes" (9 times outta 10).

Most Brotha's not only have one kid, but may have more... Never married the kiddies' mamas... Kept "baby making" or at least try to keep it "zipped up" or "tightly wrapped". DAYUM!!!

So as a woman who use to date exclusively African American men, that was one deal I had to get over until a man I truly cared for got a woman pregnant...

Then, I had to let go, and let God...

It took God ~10 years to bring me the man of my dreams I married... A BMW!!! A Black Man Working!!! A professional, in his early 30's with NO KIDS!!!

Needless to say, I swooped him up as quickly as I could say "I do"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On that note, I say if women from other ethnic groups are encountering the same issues as African American women have for over 40 years, then boy have times changed... I guess I would have never thought about that... Just to show some of my ignorance...

The best you can do, either "get over it" and move on. Or have the talk with the man. If the man is defensive about his child and absolutely refuses your issues, then you have problems in the relationship that goes way beyond the child...

If you all decide to get married, then you MUST discuss the child and the role it plays in the family's lives, regardless of the "baby's mama drama"... The issue is, how "your new family" behaves will be different than the child's original family pair...

It reminds me of a man I dated with the most adorable little girl. I asked her who did she like to spend more time with, her mommy or her daddy--she said "her grandma"... And she was just too quiet around her dad, the man I was dating at the time. Because she barely knew him... Extremely well behaved for a 6 year old in the afternoon in 95 F heat... And all I could think about was it was "pathetic" how this man cared for his daughter... Thank God our relationship did not work out--even though I tried to make it work...

Then there is the whole "how'd it happen" issue the man has to be totally done with so that he can move forward into a new relationship. If he does not do that, then there are issues there between you and him...

As far as divorcees... If you can get through the "out of wedlock" issues, you can get through the divorced issues. If you cannot, then you don't date divorcees--even if they are cute...

[gphiangel624]

I've been there and done that, twice now. While I prefer to date guys with no children, I have dated two who had kids.

The first was a fluke- I didn't know the guy had a kid until it slipped out one day. The problem- he was 17 (I was 16) and his son (who he claimed was his "cousin") was 3. A 14 year old from a highly affluent family having a kid... and the neighbor across the street (17 when she got pregnant) is the mom... scary, isn't it? What was really sad was that this guy couldn't live up to the responsibilities of being a father. The kid lived with grandma across the street, didn't really know his mother, and my ex called it "babysitting" when he was required to watch his son (very rare). Lucky for that child, he was being raised by two excellent sets of grandparents. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long... I didn't want to be looked at as mommy by this child. I only wonder where the kid is now... he's almost 10 years old.

The other guy I dated was 24 and had a 3 year old daughter who he didn't want at first, but loved with all his heart. The guy had major baby's momma drama... he hated the mother, but adores his daughter. I was able to deal with the fact that he had major responsibilities, but although he is a great and supportive father, he had ZERO to bring to a relationship. Well, maybe his Tom Cruise looks. We didn't date for long (he has a new girlfriend who has a 3 year old son- happy family) but we have remained very good friends... I even bought his daughter a gift when I came home from Mexico.

To my point- it's really your own decision on whether or not you can handle dating someone with a child... their responsibility should go to the child first... and it may be hard to deal with if you're needy for attention

[nikki1920]

I have a 5 year old. My boyfriend doesnt have any kids. When we first talked about dating, I asked him point blank if he had an issue with it. Dating someone with a child means, IMO, that both adult parties are honest about their expectations and are able to communicate effectively. I concur with gphiangels624's last statement.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by gphiangel624
To my point- it's really your own decision on whether or not you can handle dating someone with a child... their responsibility should go to the child first... and it may be hard to deal with if you're needy for attention

Being needy for attention is not the only reason someone would not want to date a person with children. Not everybody likes children or wants to be around them.

[PM_Mama00]

I'm beginning to not like the fact that I am in love with this father. I seriously hate the mother. BAH!