You know you are in a black church when....

[1 N A million]

I saw this on a Christian forum and it was hilarious! Some of the things they said were outrageous. I know you all will have some outlandish things to say! One of the things that was said was you know you are in a black church when....the ushers taking up offering counts it and says, ok one more round, we need fo' mo' dollars!

[DeltaDiva]

First I would like to say hello to all the ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha. Now, 1 N A Million you know your in a black church when... you smell chicken or fish frying when you walk in the front doors

You know you're in a black church when there has been a building fund offering for 50 years, and the church still isn't payed off.

You know you're in a black church if the usher hands you a Martin Luther King fan before you're seated.

You know you're in a black church when during the announcements, the cost of the plates cooking in the back are mentioned (fish, chicken and dressing, macaroni and cheese, etc.)

You know you're in a black church when you are served saltine crackers and welch's grape juice for communion.

You know you're in a black church when your feminine male choir director is always the head of the church fashion show.

You know you're in a black church when your preacher not only gives the word, but his cd is on sale in the fellowship hall after church and it's at the top of the gospel charts.

[This message has been edited by Total Elegance (edited September 08, 2000).]

[Elite Ivy]

You know you go to a Black church when:
1.) the choir marches in;
2.) they have a building fund and don't even have plans of putting new locks on the church;
3.) somebody gets up and says, "the choir will now bring us an A & B selection;
4.) the Mother's/Missionaries sit on one side of the pulpit and the deacons/trustees sit on the other side;
5.)they take up tithes, offerings, and "PLEDGES";
6.) there's a picture of the current pastor and all other pastors that have ever pastored the church;
7.) they have a church anniversary, pastor's appreciation and everybody else who holds a position has an appreciation/day(ushers, musicians, deacons, etc.);
8.) you walk around the table for the "public offering";
9.) they vote members into the church; and
10.) you get an invitation from other church for an activity they're having and they request that two of your church members BY NAME represent your church. If they can't attend please send two representatives of your choice.

I could go on and on this one. Black churches, be they: Baptist, Methodist, Pentocostal, Apostolic, etc., you GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!

[Catwoman]

You know you are in a Black church if the tithe/offering envelope has a box to check marked "Post Dated Check"

Last week our choir sang at a church and I picked up an envelope off the seat before I sat down...I looked at the envelope and almost laughed out loud!

[1 N A million]

When the pastor and his wife both have jeri curls and when the offering sounds like an auction.....The preacher starts off by saying I got 50.00 can I get 75, can I get 80? You know you are in a black church when the choir takes a song like Amazing Grace and remix it and it lasts about 30 minutes. And this has nothing to do with you know when, but what about 2nd Sundays and the ole' folk choir?

[Taykimson]

Nooooo Soror Catwoman!

A post-dated box!?!? That is tooo funny.

1)You know you are in a black church if you have choir dresses made to match the Reverend's favorite robe. (Y'all know what I'm talking about. You know - you go to the cloth store and pick out a pattern and then your aunt or somebody gives you a messed up sewing job)

2)You know you're in a black church if someone gets up during service and holds up their index finger (as to say excuse me for disrupting service).

3)You know you're in a black church if the teenagers sneak out during service to go to the corner store.

4)You know you're in a black church if you have to wash feet during communion.

5)You know you're in a black church if the musician plays at the end of the sermon to emphasize the Reverend's point.

6)You know you're in a black church if you sing "All things come of thee..." to bless the offering.

7)Or if you sing "Reach out and touch, somebody's hand..." at closing.

8)If you get sick from eating at the covered-dish dinners after church.

9)There are a whole bunch of kids there that walked to church and their parents stayed at home.

10)Reverend says: God is good. Congration replies: All the time.

-----------------
Alpha Kappa Alpha
17-Alpha Phi-91



[This message has been edited by Taykimson (edited September 08, 2000).]

[Resplendent_Maria]

LOL! You guys have said it all

[Mz. Sports Luva]

You know you're in a black church when "testimony service" lasts longer than the sermon.

[NUPE4LIFE]

You know you're at a black church if:

1)Before every speech someone says, giving honor to God whose the head of my life
2)If the person who always leads all the songs in the choir (y'all know the one i'm talking about) gets up and says the Devil's busy. I started getting a sore throat after choir practice yesterday, he didn't want me to sing my song. But church I'm here to tell ya, the Devil is a liar. Then they go on to do a remix of the song. One of those 12'' murder remixes, the kind you only hear at the club.
3)The usher board got matching suits
4)The church is broken up into districts.
5)You have cakewalks for fundraisers.
6)You have Friends and Family Day.
7)I can't forget Harvest Day
8)At some point in the service you sing "What a Fellowship".
9)The choir got a routine for every song
10)The communion wine (I mean grape juice)is in a shot glass

------------------
KAPPA ALPHA PSI FRATERNITY, INC.
SPR 97
XI LAMBDA

[Elite Ivy]

How could we forget this one, you know you at a Black church when "you're visitor and they ask you to stand, tell who you are, your church home, and your pastor's name if possible."

[AKA2D '91]

You know you're in a Black Church when the minister has 2 churches, therefore church A has services on 1st and 3rd Sunday, while church B has services on 2nd and 4th Sunday.

You know you're in a Black Church when Vacation Bible School lasts for 2 weeks.

You know you're in a Black Church when the sister's try to outshine one another's touching by Holy Ghost/Spirit.

[Shalom2U]

Hello Everyone:
I'm a silent forum participant but I've got to give chuckling "hellos" to everyone on the board as I wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.

OOOOOh 1NAmillion----Be Shame (As my big-momma says)!

I am currently attending an AOG congregation (relocated to a small town--in ministry--lonnng story) so you know I'm both missing my Black Church and ROTFLMHO at the same time! In fact, I'm supposed to be interceeding right now as I type.

Are we really that funny? Oh Lord, we need to repent! LOL LOL LOL

Have a blessed Weekend everyone---get to church!

Shalom!

[The Original Ape]

When there's a big, fat sista sitting on the front row blocking everybody else's view with her fruit-bearin' hat!

[Elite Ivy]

Hi Everyone,

I was sitting in church this morning thinking about the things that we posted on this board and it was so hard not to burst out laughing. Sitting there are thought of a few more.

You know you're in a Black Church when:
1.) the ushers stand in the aisle to direct you to a seat;

2.) the pastor tells the ushers that they may be seated during his sermon;

3.) the ushers sit and the musicians move to a seat after the pastor has announced his subject;

4.) the ushers pass out the hymnals and take them up before service is over or they ask you to leave them on the pews;

5.) the fan that they give you during service has Martin Luther King's picture on it and was donated by the local funeral home;

6.) there is a bottle of Olive Oil on the side of the pulpit;

5.) the first Sunday or whenever Communion is observed, everybody has on white; and

6.) What are these programs: 100 Women in Red and 66 Books of the Bible?

I may come up with some more a little later. I hope everybody is having a great SONday!!

[This message has been edited by Elite Ivy (edited September 10, 2000).]