Helicopters, Snowplows and Recruitment

[VioletsAreBlue]

How do people define guidance? I think that's the real question.

Honestly, there are plenty of scenarios where the normal rules don't apply. That's life and life is not fair. Sorority recruitment isn't an exception to anything. We're watching what happens - in real time - when people think they are exceptions and when they think their kids are exceptions. And look at what's happened.

I'd suggest that moms need to take a collective step back and then a collective deep breath. Support your child. Give advice. Give guidance. But that's a big step away from getting involved in what the student is supposed to be doing themselves.

And - I say this out of curiosity - what has made the process as intense as it is now? I'd argue that the alumnae and parents have played a role in that. I get that won't be a popular opinion. But there are colleges and universities across the country that don't have moms hanging in trees, and their greek systems are thriving, their chapters are growing, and their nationals are quite happy with their performance.

I've always wondered what would happen if one year at Ole Miss or Bama - for example - the moms and alumnae would take a back seat and let recruitment and membership selection be run 100% by the collegiate membership. I truly believe that some people think it would be an absolute disaster. But honestly, if we are trusting that these women are representatives of the ideals of our sorority, if we trust them to hold leadership positions within our organizations, if we trust them to wear our letters - why don't we trust them to select their own sisterhood? Why don't we trust our own daughters who we've raised into capable adult young women, to manage their recruitment experience?

So yes, I'd say offer guidance, and support for your daughter. But after that - step out of it. I often hear people say that they don't think they'd survive rush if they went through it now. Of course you would survive. Your outcome might have been different, which is kind of bizarre to consider that you might have found yourself in different letters, but you would survive. I actually think the girl that goes in blind and naive might actually have a better experience than the girl who goes in with mom pulling strings and working connections every step of the way because, intentional or not, that level of involvement also sets a stage full of pressure and expectations.

Poundcake, Snowflake and Dumpling are much more capable than people give them credit for. College is the environment where they can try new things, make mistakes, fall on their butts, explore who they are, change who they are and spread those wings. And that includes sorority recruitment.

[DGTess]

Originally Posted by VioletsAreBlue

How do people define guidance? I think that's the real question.

Honestly, there are plenty of scenarios where the normal rules don't apply. That's life and life is not fair. Sorority recruitment isn't an exception to anything. We're watching what happens - in real time - when people think they are exceptions and when they think their kids are exceptions. And look at what's happened.

I'd suggest that moms need to take a collective step back and then a collective deep breath. Support your child. Give advice. Give guidance. But that's a big step away from getting involved in what the student is supposed to be doing themselves.

And - I say this out of curiosity - what has made the process as intense as it is now? I'd argue that the alumnae and parents have played a role in that. I get that won't be a popular opinion. But there are colleges and universities across the country that don't have moms hanging in trees, and their greek systems are thriving, their chapters are growing, and their nationals are quite happy with their performance.

I've always wondered what would happen if one year at Ole Miss or Bama - for example - the moms and alumnae would take a back seat and let recruitment and membership selection be run 100% by the collegiate membership. I truly believe that some people think it would be an absolute disaster. But honestly, if we are trusting that these women are representatives of the ideals of our sorority, if we trust them to hold leadership positions within our organizations, if we trust them to wear our letters - why don't we trust them to select their own sisterhood? Why don't we trust our own daughters who we've raised into capable adult young women, to manage their recruitment experience?

So yes, I'd say offer guidance, and support for your daughter. But after that - step out of it. I often hear people say that they don't think they'd survive rush if they went through it now. Of course you would survive. Your outcome might have been different, which is kind of bizarre to consider that you might have found yourself in different letters, but you would survive. I actually think the girl that goes in blind and naive might actually have a better experience than the girl who goes in with mom pulling strings and working connections every step of the way because, intentional or not, that level of involvement also sets a stage full of pressure and expectations.

Poundcake, Snowflake and Dumpling are much more capable than people give them credit for. College is the environment where they can try new things, make mistakes, fall on their butts, explore who they are, change who they are and spread those wings. And that includes sorority recruitment.

Hear, hear!!!!!!!!!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by VioletsAreBlue

I've always wondered what would happen if one year at Ole Miss or Bama - for example - the moms and alumnae would take a back seat and let recruitment and membership selection be run 100% by the collegiate membership. I truly believe that some people think it would be an absolute disaster. But honestly, if we are trusting that these women are representatives of the ideals of our sorority, if we trust them to hold leadership positions within our organizations, if we trust them to wear our letters - why don't we trust them to select their own sisterhood? Why don't we trust our own daughters who we've raised into capable adult young women, to manage their recruitment experience?

I’m sure that part of the reluctance to do this is the fact that many of these chapters (not the sorority as a national entity, the CHAPTER) have assets equivalent to that of multimillion dollar corporations.

[APhi2KD]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I’m sure that part of the reluctance to do this is the fact that many of these chapters (not the sorority as a national entity, the CHAPTER) have assets equivalent to that of multimillion dollar corporations.

Truth.

Another thought— many of the women sticking their fingers in these chapters’ pies do so merely to feed their own worth. Sticking it to someone else’s pumpkin is the ultimate form of revenge, no?

[Cheerio]

Originally Posted by VioletsAreBlue

I've always wondered what would happen if one year at Ole Miss or Bama - for example - the moms and alumnae would take a back seat and let recruitment and membership selection be run 100% by the collegiate membership. I truly believe that some people think it would be an absolute disaster. But honestly, if we are trusting that these women are representatives of the ideals of our sorority, if we trust them to hold leadership positions within our organizations, if we trust them to wear our letters - why don't we trust them to select their own sisterhood? Why don't we trust our own daughters who we've raised into capable adult young women, to manage their recruitment experience?

This may come under the heading "Too Many Questions", but here goes...

Do alums in sororities not trust their collegiate members based on the (possible) fact alums don't see newer members as "worthy" or "up to the standard" they themselves fit as pledges thirty years ago?

Would modern sorority chapters prefer to make it their business to "mold" their new members into "better" representatives of womanhood, and no longer accept any new member "just as she is"?

And would that brand of "molding" be the type of sorority experience current college students desire?

Are there truly young students today who believe that when joining a sorority, the sorority should "mold" your behavior and make you a "better" "more popular" or "more desirable" person for the rest of your life just because of your particular greek letter affiliation?

Has it become fashionable to join a sorority simply to be more beloved/accepted by/popular/cool with other human beings?

Or are current college women lacking the means to create their own identity, and need their sorority to give them one because Mommy and Daddy are no longer there to give them one?

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by Cheerio

Do alums in sororities not trust their collegiate members based on the (possible) fact alums don't see newer members as "worthy" or "up to the standard" they themselves fit as pledges thirty years ago?

Sending a rec does NOT mean that I don't trust our collegiate members.
It means that I have insight into a PNM's personality and character that they won't have just from reading a resume or talking to her for 3 minutes.
I'm giving them the info to do with what they will. It might be a warning ("take this girl and nobody from my town will pledge ABC sorority in this century") or it might be a cheer ("Sweet, fabulous girl! A loyal friend and compassionate leader!").
Who they extend a bid to is still up to them.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by VioletsAreBlue

Poundcake, Snowflake and Dumpling are much more capable than people give them credit for. College is the environment where they can try new things, make mistakes, fall on their butts, explore who they are, change who they are and spread those wings. And that includes sorority recruitment.

But part of the problem is, the majority of these large rushes occur before Snowflake is truly even a college student - she’s bound to a sorority before she’s even had one minute of class time. She hasn’t had a chance to try or change or explore. The first thing she is doing in college is trying to impress a thousand women and pray that she lands somewhere that makes her happy and that is socially acceptable. That’s a lot to expect an 18 year old to get through unassisted, especially one who may not be naturally fearless and gregarious.

[KSUViolet06]

The people coptering and plowing are not the ones you think.

Everyone thinks of a certain type of Southern mom coptering and plowing at places like Ole Miss, Bama, Texas.

The thing is, the well-to-do Southern kiddos, moms whose kids are legacies to the school and the chapter, the kids who went to camp and school with lots of sorority members, the ones whose moms are significant donors - those are not (usually) the moms in trees. Those are the kids who do not need a copter because they are generally going to get bids to wherever they want.

They don't need to be told how to dress. They already know. They do not need to be told they need recs. Their friends and mom's friends are already writing them. They don't have to jockey for connections, they already have them.

The guiltiest of coptering and plowing and going generally crazy over recruitment are those who are:

1. Social climbers. Parents who are not Greek and are interested in their kids having the social capital that they do not have. So they have to work hard to get prepared because they do not have the advantanges that the above kids have.

2. Greek moms from NON-SOUTHERN CHAPTERS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW competitive recruitment WORKS. This is the girl whose mom went to CORNFIELD STATE. She is a Confield State Kappa alumna. Child is rushing at Big Southern and parent assumes that daughter will get a bid to Big Southern Kappa. Not realizing that chapters prioritize their own legacies above those from other chapters.

3. Clueless moms. Clueless lady whose sister's cousin's daughter rushed at an entirely different school and they heard it was easy. Therefore it should be easy for Suzy. No.

[TXDG]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

The people coptering and plowing are not the ones you think.

Everyone thinks of a certain type of Southern mom coptering and plowing at places like Ole Miss, Bama, Texas.

The thing is, the well-to-do Southern kiddos, moms whose kids are legacies to the school and the chapter, the kids who went to camp and school with lots of sorority members, the ones whose moms are significant donors - those are not (usually) the moms in trees. Those are the kids who do not need a copter because they are generally going to get bids to wherever they want.

They don't need to be told how to dress. They already know. They do not need to be told they need recs. Their friends and mom's friends are already writing them. They don't have to jockey for connections, they already have them.

The guiltiest of coptering and plowing and going generally crazy over recruitment are those who are:

1. Social climbers. Parents who are not Greek and are interested in their kids having the social capital that they do not have. So they have to work hard to get prepared because they do not have the advantanges that the above kids have.

2. Greek moms from NON-SOUTHERN CHAPTERS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW competitive recruitment WORKS. This is the girl whose mom went to CORNFIELD STATE. She is a Confield State Kappa alumna. Child is rushing at Big Southern and parent assumes that daughter will get a bid to Big Southern Kappa. Not realizing that chapters prioritize their own legacies above those from other chapters.

3. Clueless moms. Clueless lady whose sister's cousin's daughter rushed at an entirely different school and they heard it was easy. Therefore it should be easy for Suzy. No.

Agree & disagree. Yes, totally moms 1/2/3 are the ones climbing trees and harassing alumnae/ chapter officers/ GL offices. 110%.

But I would argue that the girls who seem to effortlessly get into “those” houses at Texas, SMU, Ole Miss, Bama, etc are benefiting from a lifetime of “helicopter” parenting. Moms who made sure to get daughter into the right camps, help hone daughter’s sense of style and congeniality, help guide daughter towards friendships with the “right” girls in her class, help steer her towards the “right” summer jobs and volunteer work. Everything is done for the social resume. I grew up in one of “those” zip codes and it might have looked like those girls just floated right into the prestigious houses, but they had 18 years of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) parents choppering right alongside them and swoop it down to get her out of any jams that might derail her.

[APhi2KD]

Originally Posted by TXDG

Agree & disagree. Yes, totally moms 1/2/3 are the ones climbing trees and harassing alumnae/ chapter officers/ GL offices. 110%.

But I would argue that the girls who seem to effortlessly get into “those” houses at Texas, SMU, Ole Miss, Bama, etc are benefiting from a lifetime of “helicopter” parenting. Moms who made sure to get daughter into the right camps, help hone daughter’s sense of style and congeniality, help guide daughter towards friendships with the “right” girls in her class, help steer her towards the “right” summer jobs and volunteer work. Everything is done for the social resume. I grew up in one of “those” zip codes and it might have looked like those girls just floated right into the prestigious houses, but they had 18 years of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) parents choppering right alongside them and swoop it down to get her out of any jams that might derail her.

Yup.

[LXA SE285]

Originally Posted by TXDG

Agree & disagree. Yes, totally moms 1/2/3 are the ones climbing trees and harassing alumnae/ chapter officers/ GL offices. 110%.

But I would argue that the girls who seem to effortlessly get into “those” houses at Texas, SMU, Ole Miss, Bama, etc are benefiting from a lifetime of “helicopter” parenting. Moms who made sure to get daughter into the right camps, help hone daughter’s sense of style and congeniality, help guide daughter towards friendships with the “right” girls in her class, help steer her towards the “right” summer jobs and volunteer work. Everything is done for the social resume. I grew up in one of “those” zip codes and it might have looked like those girls just floated right into the prestigious houses, but they had 18 years of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) parents choppering right alongside them and swoop it down to get her out of any jams that might derail her.

And you can bet that if DD somehow got cut from the "right" chapter in spite of all that, Mom would be giving them an earful or venting about it online.

[TXDG]

Originally Posted by LXA SE285

And you can bet that if DD somehow got cut from the "right" chapter in spite of all that, Mom would be giving them an earful or venting about it online.

Or the ultimate - pulling whatever money Mom has pledged from her estate.

[AnchorAlumna]

I've done recs and our local alumnae panhellenic for many, many years, so I thought I was well prepared when daughter went through. In addition to the recs via the alum panhellenic, i also called friends in various sororities and asked them if they would write a rec for her.
I always thought the moms who'd stay the week were just creepy, so I didn't go, didn't even make plans for bid day.
But when she was dropped after pref, I devoutly wished I had been there to let her cry on my shoulder and to hug her and tell her it would all work out.
But...24 hours later she was fin;, I was the one still devastated!
It all did work out, she got a COB bid to her preferred group. But she was never as involved in her sorority as I was in mine. She never served as an officer, and the only little sister she got didn't show up after bid day. Her closest friends in the sorority resigned in their sophomore and junior years.
So...I don't think handling her recs was "helicopter parenting." It was something I had done for others for many years and that I could easily do. They were my friends, not hers.
It's great for the girls themselves to make the calls and requests, but I always encourage moms to lend a hand. It's a struggle enough when they're that age, so all the better if there's something mom and daughter can work on together.