Trying to feel comfortable in new sorority

PhilTau · #1 08-25-2017, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyMom2

* * * In the end, she did not get her first choice and doesn't feel comfortable in her new sorority. * * * She is still talking to the girls in that sorority, texting, etc. She just wasn't high enough on their bid list apparently. Anyway, she wants to love her new sorority, but doesn't. * * *

The hard reality is that first-choice sorority had a chance to invite your daughter to join, but they did not. As with life, things don't always go as wanted or as planned. Like everyone else, after graduation, this experience will likely be repeated again and again when she starts a career. What is important is that she got her bid invitation on her own merit. She has been given a great opportunity with her new sorority and should be encouraged to make the most of it.

I do caution her not to pine about or hold out hopes for the sorority that passed her over. My wife had a roommate who kept going through rush in an attempt to get a bid from this one sorority. The roommate had "friends" in the sorority who kept encouraging her. This girl went through rush three times, never got a bid and never did join a sorority.

DGTess · #2 08-25-2017, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhilTau

The hard reality is that first-choice sorority had a chance to invite your daughter to join, but they did not. As with life, things don't always go as wanted or as planned. Like everyone else, after graduation, this experience will likely be repeated again and again when she starts a career. What is important is that she got her bid invitation on her own merit. She has been given a great opportunity with her new sorority and should be encouraged to make the most of it.

I do caution her not to pine about or hold out hopes for the sorority that passed her over. My wife had a roommate who kept going through rush in an attempt to get a bid from this one sorority. The roommate had "friends" in the sorority who kept encouraging her. This girl went through rush three times, never got a bid and never did join a sorority.

Almost.

If they invited her to pref, she was *somewhere* on their bid list(s), just not high enough to match.

No need for her to stop keeping in touch with the friends in the first-choice group, but she needs to see them as "friends" and not as a symbol of something she does not have.

HappyMom2 · #3 08-25-2017, 02:22 PM

Thank you! I appreciate everything you all have said. I am trying to get her to focus on the one she got. I don't think it's true that her 1st choice just passed her over. With bids being guaranteed to both legacies (who put it down as 1st choice) and those who only had that one party to go to, it doesn't leave as many spots for everyone else. They did invite her to preference, so they did see something in her that they liked. I think she is wishing that she had let her 2nd and 3rd choice know during the 3rd round that her heart was somewhere else. Then, maybe they wouldn't have invited her back for preference and she would have gotten her 1st choice. But, we didn't know how it all works and she was open to everyone. Plus, I don't think she could have done that. Now, it is what it is and she needs to keep an open mind about the one she has.

I have done some research on it and it is very strong nationally. Maybe if she gets more involved, she can help contribute to making it a stronger sorority at her school All of the girls I met were so sweet and seemed truly happy to have her there. She is not ungrateful for what she has. Just sad for what she didn't get. I want her to love her sorority. Otherwise, it's not worth the time and the money. My husband and I have stressed to her that sorority membership is for a lifetime, so to look at the whole picture and not make a decision to drop without some serious thought.

33girl · #4 08-25-2017, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyMom2

Thank you! I appreciate everything you all have said. I am trying to get her to focus on the one she got. I don't think it's true that her 1st choice just passed her over. With bids being guaranteed to both legacies (who put it down as 1st choice) and those who only had that one party to go to, it doesn't leave as many spots for everyone else. They did invite her to preference, so they did see something in her that they liked. I think she is wishing that she had let her 2nd and 3rd choice know during the 3rd round that her heart was somewhere else. Then, maybe they wouldn't have invited her back for preference and she would have gotten her 1st choice. But, we didn't know how it all works and she was open to everyone. Plus, I don't think she could have done that. Now, it is what it is and she needs to keep an open mind about the one she has.

First off, not all groups have a legacy guaranteed bid policy - even if they are at pref - so unless you saw that written on a website or policy handbook, I wouldn't assume that was a factor.

As far as girls with only that sorority left "edging out" your daughter because of guaranteed bids, that doesn't sound right either. Someone on here more versed in dealing with guaranteed bids and QAs will be able to explain that far better than I can.

HappyMom2 · #5 08-25-2017, 03:04 PM

At her school, if you go to preference and rank all of the sororities you have at preference, you are guaranteed a bid. If that is the only party you have, you are guaranteed a bid to that sorority.

33girl · #6 08-25-2017, 03:20 PM

As I said, someone better versed in QAs than me will explain that. Suffice it to say it's not like a rollercoaster that can only hold x amount of people.

HappyMom2 · #7 08-25-2017, 03:25 PM

I understand that. But if she had only had that one sorority at preference, she would have been guaranteed a bid. Either way, she didn't get it, but she did get a bid to a sorority that had her higher on their list. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that she feels like she fits in with them soon!

TXDG · #8 08-25-2017, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyMom2

I understand that. But if she had only had that one sorority at preference, she would have been guaranteed a bid. Either way, she didn't get it, but she did get a bid to a sorority that had her higher on their list. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that she feels like she fits in with them soon!

HappyMom2 is correct in her understanding that if her daughter had only only invitation to Pref she would have been guaranteed a bid to that house - either as part of primary Quota or as a Quota Addition.

The flaw in the daughter's thinking is that she could have controlled having house 2 & 3 release her. Unless she was planning on being downright rude about her desire to be elsewhere, hinting that she had found her home elsewhere would not get a pnm released from most chapters. Especially when those chapters saw something in her that made them think she was perfect for their sisterhood.

A lot of new members don't get their first choice and grow to love the sorority that chose them. The year I was President of my collegiate chapter, two of my VP's were girls who were in TEARS on our freshman Bid Day because DG was not their first choice. I vividly remember them on Bid Day. They got over it & bloomed where they were planted

Mom, I would encourage your daughter to put all her effort into immersing herself in the chapter that choose her. If there are not enough sisterhood events going in her opinion, she should round up all the new members who live in her dorm and go to dinner or coffee or whatever together. She is a member of a BIG group now and will need to understand that the sorority's purpose is not to entertain her and fawn all over her...she has to take responsibility for getting involved and putting herself out there to meet people.

If she still isn't feeling it, remind her she has two options: continue with this chapter or not be Greek at all. A bid to any other house - especially the one she didn't get - is not even a remote "guarantee" and may not even be a possibility.

tcsparky · #9 08-25-2017, 08:09 PM

Let's say that there were girls there that only had daughter's top choice as their only choice. OK, them being guaranteed a bid to their ONLY pref chapter would not necessarily have edged her out. If they were ahead of her on the bid list, they would have been placed ahead of her regardless of whether or not they only had the one chapter. (The bid list isn't built by the chapter based on the chapter knowing the PNMs only had the one Pref.) The single-Pref girls would not have edged our daughter if they were lower on the bid list, but would possibly have ended up being quota additions themselves.

Bottom line- if quota was 60, and daughter was not in the top 60, then she didn't get a bid (of course, depending on how many of their "first bid list" the chapter took). Other women only having one Pref didn't affect daughter's bid.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

First off, not all groups have a legacy guaranteed bid policy - even if they are at pref - so unless you saw that written on a website or policy handbook, I wouldn't assume that was a factor.

As far as girls with only that sorority left "edging out" your daughter because of guaranteed bids, that doesn't sound right either. Someone on here more versed in dealing with guaranteed bids and QAs will be able to explain that far better than I can.