Fraternity Big/Little Brother Concern

RCM2020 · #1 10-14-2013, 11:12 PM

I am in charge of doing big brother and little brother matching in my fraternity. I take this pretty seriously, as I value mentorship and the relationship that a big and little can have on each other. We also have an application so big brother candidates can reflect and show why they would be a good big.

I'm stuck in a dilemma where one of the new members really wants an upperclassman as his big who is frankly a not-so-great role model. This upperclassman misses all deadlines, he never follows-through, really lazy and lacks pro-activeness (needs people to hold his hand a lot); he values party life, the quality of mixers, and winning Greek Week more than our values; etc. This upperclassmen was recruited because of parties and alcohol my freshman year, and he has not really risen to the full expectations of a brother. The thought of him being a big worries me because I just don't want him to corrupt a new member. Our chapter has tried so hard to recruit the best of the best, and this new member class is phenomenal. I don't want this chapter in any way to take any steps back to the way it used to be before I joined (Fall 2011), which was all about parities and social life. I'm aware I may be contradicting myself with the upperclassman member we still have, but holding standards and accountability is another topic...

For those who oversee big little matching, what happens when you see a match that is one to one (they both want each other), but you feel that it will be toxic for the chapter.

RCM2020 · #2 10-14-2013, 11:12 PM

EDIT: The upperclassman has applied and meets the logistical requirements, did the app correctly, but I worry about him as a person.

Psi U MC Vito · #3 10-14-2013, 11:18 PM

You know your Brothers better then we do obviously. That being said, it's possible that being a big would inspire this guy to actually try to be a good Brother and role model.

Kevin · #4 10-14-2013, 11:27 PM

If you were a brother in the chapter I advise, I'd tell you to trust your gut on this. You don't owe an explanation to anyone as to how this comes out. You were put in this position and it sounds like you've made a good decision for the right reasons. It is very true that a rotten apple can spoil the barrel. The chapter's trust in you was well placed. Again, if you were a member of my chapter, I'd be very proud you did this. In fact, if you need confirmation that you're right and great at what you do, call your relevant alumni adviser.

33girl · #5 10-14-2013, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

it's possible that being a big would inspire this guy to actually try to be a good Brother and role model.

I completely agree with this. If you keep casting this guy in the role of Lazy Ass Drunk, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It might also be that this NM has never had a friend like this (i.e. he's a little uptight/shy) and thinks this brother will help him become more well-rounded.

If they both want each other and the brother fulfills the requirements, go ahead with it. Not doing so will just prompt 1) angry brother since he does fulfill the requirements 2) angry pledge since he's being denied his first choice and none of his pledge brothers are 3) possible trickle-down with both guys' friends in the fraternity. Keep an eye on things, but not matching them will probably result in a LOT more drama than matching them would.

If you don't want this sort of thing to happen in the future, then you need to change your big/little process so that only the pledgemaster has a say in it.

Psi U MC Vito · #6 10-14-2013, 11:31 PM

And I was speaking from experience. We had a couple of times when somebody wanted a little that wasn't a great Brother, and once they got the little shaped up really well because they wanted the other guy to be able to look up to them. But you are the best judge of the character of your Brothers. I am just suggesting maybe you talk to the upperclassman about it.

Kevin · #7 10-14-2013, 11:33 PM

^I disagree with all of what 33girl said..

I was just coming back to add that y'all might also look at having a wider committee finally deliberate in secret over big/little selection so that you alone don't shoulder the blame and you can just sort of keep what happened a secret and say "oh well, that's what the committee decided...." Lots less hurt feelings that way.

Your pledge and that particular member will have plenty of opportunity to be friends. The big/little pairing is (for me) more about membership retention and culture building. Potential big could be a great guy, but if he sucks at follow-through and needs hand holding, he's likely to make a terrible big.

33girl · #8 10-14-2013, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin

I was just coming back to add that y'all might also look at having a wider committee finally deliberate in secret over big/little selection so that you alone don't shoulder the blame and you can just sort of keep what happened a secret and say "oh well, that's what the committee decided...." Lots less hurt feelings that way.

Um, yeah, this. I will agree with this. I can't imagine wanting to put yourself in a position where you don't have at least an assistant to make decisions on things like this.

So I'm guessing that you disagree with all the posts where we tell girls not to drop out/be sad/feel like freaks if they don't have the perfect relationship with their big? According to what you're saying, if a guy isn't a perfect big, the pledge will drop and Chaos And Mayhem Will Result.

We also have to remember this is one guy's opinion of one other guy. If the rest of the brotherhood is super on board with this new improved version of their chapter and thinks the upperclassman in question embodies everything that they currently detest, why haven't they kicked him out?

greekdee · #9 10-14-2013, 11:45 PM

Before making your final decision, you could talk to the upperclassman about it. While he might meet the requirements, ask him if he really understands what his responsibilities are, what the chapter's expectations are and what the hopes and goals are for this new pledge class. He'll probably want to know why you're asking, so tell him the truth about why you're concerned. Good luck!

Kevin · #10 10-14-2013, 11:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

So I'm guessing that you disagree with all the posts where we tell girls not to drop out/be sad/feel like freaks if they don't have the perfect relationship with their big? According to what you're saying, if a guy isn't a perfect big, the pledge will drop and Chaos And Mayhem Will Result.

He didn't say what that the 2nd choice big was dog **** either. Just that choice #1 isn't a unicorn pissing rainbows.

Quote:

We also have to remember this is one guy's opinion of one other guy. If the rest of the brotherhood is super on board with this new improved version of their chapter and thinks the upperclassman in question embodies everything that they currently detest, why haven't they kicked him out?

The brotherhood apparently gave this responsibility to one man. Horrible idea. That's what he's working with though. He's asking for advice based on the facts as he tells them. I'm assuming those facts are true. And if they're not? Again, the chapter has entrusted this to just one person. Terrible idea, but that's what they did.

DeltaBetaBaby · #11 10-15-2013, 12:06 AM

What did this guy put on his application? You say he filled it out, but was it, like, perfunctory, or did he come to the table with something like "I know I've been a bit flaky in the past, but I really want this opportunity"? Because for me, that would make a difference.