Deactivation - please help! :(

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I think that a lot of posters are being really harsh on the OP, and I really don't believe not one of you ever had a time when you were so frustrated that you seriously considered leaving.

I thought the same thing. This isn't a new member who just received a bid 2 weeks ago.. She's an involved sister who has serious doubts about sticking it out in a sorority that she's currently not completely happy being a part of.

That being said...

Originally Posted by wildcat601

Hey everyone,

I just finished my sophomore year so I’ve been in my sorority for about a year and a half (my school has deferred rush). I was hesitant as a PNM and pledge, loved the beginning of my sophomore year, and am now considering deactivating. During this time I lived in the house, held several positions, and made big improvements for the chapter, so I really did give it my all.

Why were you hesitant as a PNM and pledge?

What made you love the beginning of your sophomore year? What changed between then and now?

Cons:
- Advisers/Nationals
After working with advisers during my leadership positions, I have no respect for them. As a freshman I was being groomed for president or another big position, but after dealing with these people I just couldn’t apply for the executive board. I feel that these women often lack common sense and don’t have the chapter’s best interests in mind. This year we had some huge issues with Nationals kicking girls out of the house and threatening to take away memberships, which we had to fight because they were completely unreasonable. I find it hard to be in the chapter when these people micromanage and control everything we do. (It’s part of being in a sorority, I know, but it seems like the other chapters at my school don’t have this problem to the same degree.)

You need to be honest with yourself about why the national organization got involved and was threatening to kick members out of the sorority. And remember, you might not know the whole story. You were a new member as a freshman - did something happen with the chapter then, and the national staff dealt with it the following semester? Sisters tend to try and shelter the new members from trouble/difficult situations, and you might have been kept in the dark about these things.

In terms of advisors - what gives you the impression that they don't have the chapter's best interest in mind? Also, how old are they/how far removed from college are they? If they're fairly young, perhaps they're still trying to make decisions for the chapter based on what they would have done as an active, and they're not allowing the current active members to run the chapter? Or if they're much older, maybe they're under the impression that the the chapter members aren't old/mature enough to make rational decisions.

Or maybe they're not as knowledgeable about sorority policies as they should be?

Are you the only member who feels this way?

- I’m starting to think it’s not worth my time
I spend a lot of time on school, which means things like chapter meetings and formals aren’t my priority so I don’t really like paying for them. Let alone the time recruitment requires. There are also a lot of members I dislike, ranging from fake girls to drama queens to our power-tripping president. I'm involved in many other groups and have leadership positions, so I don't rely on my sorority for extracurriculars or resume building.

It sounds to me like youre able to manage your time (contrary to what other posters here have suggested), but you just don't want to attend some of these things.

I agree with those who have suggested stepping back a bit - don't take on any huge positions next semester, and do the minimum. Of course there are certain things you'll still have to go to, but don't throw yourself into everything that's thrown at you.

And I don't know if formal is mandatory for you, but if it isn't, and you truly don't want to go.. Don't.

Pros:
- Friends
Though I dislike a decent amount of the members, I have made some of my best friends through the sorority and I don’t want to lose those connections. I’m living with two of them next year, and these girls plan on staying in the sorority. I think I’ll be able to make the friendships last if I put in the effort. This especially applies to my "little" – I love her and feel guilty for ditching her, even though I would still be around and actively help with pledge mom week and stuff. In fact, I feel like I would have more time to spend with her and my other friends since I'm not wasting it at these other meetings. If you have experience with this, I’d appreciate your input.

You're living with two sisters next semester that you like.. This is a good thing, and I wouldnt suggest dropping out at the start of the school year. This could turn them off from living with you. And living with them might make you realize why you joined in the first place.

However, I have stayed friends with girls who have dropped. One of my pledge sisters dropped a few weeks after initiation, and she ended up being one of my best friends through college. So it's not impossible to keep some connections. It's all in how you carry yourself and handle the situation when you leave, should you choose to do so.

Just keep in mind that your little will still be going to these meetings that you're not going to, and she'll most likely be taking on more responsibility in the chapter as time goes on. So while you might have more time to hang out with her, she might have less time to hang out with you.

- Network
The sorority is really convenient for selling furniture, sharing apartments and cabs, finding people to hang out with over the summer, and more. People also talk about the benefits of an alumni network, but judging from our advisers I’m pretty sure I would want to get involved in that anyway. Again, any experiences would be greatly appreciated!

Don't bash the alumnae experience just because you aren't fond of a handful of sisters. It has many benefits, and you're not dealing with weekly chapter meetings, and recruitment, and homecoming, and mixers. It's a great way to stay active as an adult, meet new people in new cities, and attend social events with adults - an important thing to do occasionally when you have kids at home and spend most of your time at soccer games and PTA meetings.

Not everyone is involved as an alumna, which is fine, but don't judge it based on what little you've seen of it.

- And finally, I have a weird attachment to some of our tshirts that I can’t really describe or understand, so I’m not sure what that’s supposed to tell me. As I was unpacking from the school year there was a lot of stuff I want to donate to my grand-little, but there are some things I can’t part with and would probably still wear. I don’t really know what this means!

If you drop your letters, that means returning every t-shirt. If you want to stay friends with some of the sisters, the last thing you'd want to do is lose them all over a piece of clothing.


Good luck in making the best decision for you.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

And I don't know if formal is mandatory for you, but if it isn't, and you truly don't want to go...Don't.

The issue is that for some groups/chapters, the cost of the formal is included in your dues...so you pay for it whether you go or not. (I only learned about this through GC.)

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

The issue is that for some groups/chapters, the cost of the formal is included in your dues...so you pay for it whether you go or not. (I only learned about this through GC.)

Ah, I see. Yes, I learned something new, also.

[wildcat601]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

I thought the same thing. This isn't a new member who just received a bid 2 weeks ago.. She's an involved sister who has serious doubts about sticking it out in a sorority that she's currently not completely happy being a part of.

Thank you!

As a PNM my sentiments were similar to a lot of posters on GC -- I didn't know a lot of the girls, I felt like I was being rushed into sisterhood and it didn't feel as automatic as I thought it should have, if that makes sense. I became philanthropy chair and it was frustrating to be pressured by advisors to raise more money, yet they rejected all of the committee's ideas. To be fair, I can see why some of them were rejected. However, there were some ideas we had borrowed from the national sorority's facebook page, which other advisors accepted but ours still rejected. In the end, I couldn't make any changes as philanthropy chair besides increasing donations.

Living in the house sophomore year helped me find my best friends, and I thought I had the "sisterhood thing" figured out. I signed up to be a recruitment assistant of sorts, which meant designing and creating the decorations for one of the days of recruitment. My co-chair and I had a committee of volunteers, and no one came to help us for the several months we worked on the project, so we were both very frustrated with our sisters and the idea that we were supposed to be there for each other. We had to spend something like 300 hours doing the work on our own.

There are also frustrations with things like attendance. Of course attending chapter meetings and such is important, but my excuses (submitted 24 hrs in advance and all of that) were rejected multiple times and no one notified me until I was a member in bad standing. I had to be excused because I have a fellowship, which is like a job, and had to argue to get my 'good standing' back. I don't mean to undervalue the benefits of a sorority, but things like my fellowship are really important for my career path, and I wonder if I should direct my time else where.

So, there have been some highs and lows. Through it all I've had my handful of best friends in the chapter. I've talked to them about quitting the sorority, and whether or not I'm a member won't affect our friendship. This makes me wonder why I'm going through the motions when I only do it for these friends. (Again -- I don't mean to knock sororities because I do think they can be fun and productive, I'm just not sure it's helping me get to where I want to go in life. Other poster's comments about the alumnae network have been helpful, though.)

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

You need to be honest with yourself about why the national organization got involved and was threatening to kick members out of the sorority. And remember, you might not know the whole story.

This issue happened at the end of my sophomore year, to one of my best friends and future roommates. At the time my roommate in the sorority house was on Exec. so I got to hear most of the details regarding the issue from Nationals's perspective. It's likely I don't know the whole story, but from what I discussed with the members of Exec and my friend, there were just flaws in the system that we couldn't clear up without risking more punishment. There was another incident where a girl was kicked out of the house, and that was reasonable. I'm trying to be fair, though I'm not sure if that comes off in these posts!

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Are you the only member who feels this way?

No. The majority of the members strongly dislike our advisors (I don't mean to knock all advisors or make them feel unappreciated -- just ours haha). Dinner conversations often mention how we love the other members but hate XYZ sorority. A lot of us wish we could just quit and then spend time with one another.
Granted not everyone feels that way. Our president doesn't have a problem with Nationals, which has caused a whole load of other issues haha.

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

It sounds to me like youre able to manage your time (contrary to what other posters here have suggested), but you just don't want to attend some of these things.

Thanks. Yes I can manage my time, it's just an issue of choosing my battles and getting enough sleep.

I appreciate your advice. Last semester, I stepped back considerably, and thankfully I have two more months to decide if I want to drop before the school year. Your insight about the alumnae network was really helpful -- that's not something that's discussed often so it's good to know that information. Thank you again for your time and thoughtful response, and I'm sorry mine is so long!

[AOII Angel]

Wow...I can really read the resentment for your national organization in your posts. You also sound very frustrated by the experiences you had trying to make changes. Realize that that is the nature of the beast in large organizations. Advisers and members may be set in their ways OR may know that a program wouldn't work on your campus. Not all campuses are the same, and a program touted on the national FB page may be wildly successful at State U and fall completely flat at U of State. Who knows...we don't know the situation. The thing that you should think about is that this is a learning experience. Navigating these situations successfully sets you up to handle similar situations in your job and adult life. You will NEVER get yOur way just because you have a great idea and it worked somewhere else. There will always be a boss who thinks they know better or is an ass. You will always have to know how to deal with people who are difficult to work with. Life is not a bed of roses. The fact that you hate XYZ is very short sighted. XYZ is not just the national officials who came in to fix a problem that you are not looking at critically (trust me when I say that we all know that they turn a blind eye to lot of things until they are pushed) because you like most people who are punished put on blinders and refuse to see the issues for what they really were. XYZ isn't just a group of pushy alums who volunteer their time to make sure your chapter stays strong...chapters without alum support tend to die off. XYZ is your sisterhood, and you made an oath to her and your sisters. It would serve you all well to wake up from your funk and just move on with the business of being members and making your chapter a great chapter.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by wildcat601

There are also frustrations with things like attendance. Of course attending chapter meetings and such is important, but my excuses (submitted 24 hrs in advance and all of that) were rejected multiple times and no one notified me until I was a member in bad standing. I had to be excused because I have a fellowship, which is like a job, and had to argue to get my 'good standing' back. I don't mean to undervalue the benefits of a sorority, but things like my fellowship are really important for my career path, and I wonder if I should direct my time else where.

This is one of those things where you have to sit down with the advisors (who I assume are the ones approving or disapproving your absences) and make them understand what a fellowship IS. Lots of schools don't offer it, and lots of people don't understand it. A letter from the professor you're working with briefly outlining the requirements you have to meet would go a long way.

If it was other members denying the requests, I wouldn't be too hard on them - they were probably just following the policy in your member manual or whatever. Even if you've cleared this problem up for yourself, it would be great to set a precedent so if anyone else has the issue in years to come, it's not such a cluster@#$%.