Do you like his friends?/Do you like her friends?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

CG,
You've said a mouthful here,.

And I meant and strongly believe in everything I said.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

Every family has a mixture of good and bad apples, so I'm not thrown off by that. I try to observe my mate on this. I look to see how she handles "situations." How is her interaction with both the good and bad apples. Does she know how/when to handle them? Is she open to her own family members' strengths and faults. If so, then I think things can go well..

I totally agree that there is no such thing as a perfect family, because a family is made up of imperfect people. It depends on what is acceptable to you and what is not -what you can live with and what you cannot. I also agree that it's important to look at how that person handles family situations, but at the same time I also know that all links with the person in your life both negative and positive will affect your interaction with that person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues, no matter how the person in your life chooses to handle those family situations. I try to observe both my mate and where he came from, and what kind of relationship he has with his family. Is the relationship he has with his family similar to mine? Is mine similar to his? Are what we value similar? The bottom line Tony, is you have to decide if you like what you see. If you do, go for it. If not, connect with someone whose life is acceptable to you.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

I realize we are all, to some degree, the product of our environments, but I don't take that as some immutable rule. Everyone has the ability to individually change, to break cycles of all sorts. I'd never reject someone out of hand because of their family situation. I'd watch her both in/out of that situation and make my call from that.

I generally get along (with family members and friends) and take people as I find them, because I want that in return. But as long as the relationship's boudaries are respected--by parents, siblings, friends, etc... then most situations should be relatively easily handled by mature people.

I didn't say anything about it being a "rule" as if people can't change, but when you are in a relationship both romantic and non-romantic, most of the time, whatever is going on around you and the interactions you have with that person have very little to do with you. It has to do with the accumulation of the many experiences that particular person had before she/he even got to you. Whether those experiences are acceptable or not is entirely up to you.

To me, life is not about any one person but how we all connect and affect one another as a whole. Relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, family relationships, etc. affect every area of our well-being and how we respond to people and circumstances at large. Everyone, family and all come with baggage and that comes from the journey of life. But there are healthy amounts and amounts that are seriously unacceptable. I'm not saying that someone who comes from a rough family background can't make a marriage/relationship work, because they can. But I have to look at and accept the things that are important to me. What goals does he have? Do they match mine? What is his idea of living a good life? What does his idea of a good family relationship look like? etc. These kinds of questions are important to me, because I might be surprised to find that his idea of a good family life does not match mine.

Tony, I think you are a wonderful person (based on your posts) but you are marrying the person in your life because of the things (both positive and negative) she brings into your world, and the things that are acceptable to you. You have your standards and I have mine. We all do. It's important to me to be clear that I have specific standards for the man who gets to insert himself into my life, and I leave the choice open to him of where he wants to fit into my life. I refuse to accept the "accept me as I am" line, because we have to be on the same spiritual page in order to enjoy a future together. That includes both his family and his friends. I'm not going to settle for less. What might be of great importance to me, might not be to someone else, and that includes you. What's important is what you are willing to live with and what you are not. That's why I said, to each its own.