Do you like his friends?/Do you like her friends?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

CG,
You've said a mouthful here,.

And I meant and strongly believe in everything I said.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

Every family has a mixture of good and bad apples, so I'm not thrown off by that. I try to observe my mate on this. I look to see how she handles "situations." How is her interaction with both the good and bad apples. Does she know how/when to handle them? Is she open to her own family members' strengths and faults. If so, then I think things can go well..

I totally agree that there is no such thing as a perfect family, because a family is made up of imperfect people. It depends on what is acceptable to you and what is not -what you can live with and what you cannot. I also agree that it's important to look at how that person handles family situations, but at the same time I also know that all links with the person in your life both negative and positive will affect your interaction with that person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues, no matter how the person in your life chooses to handle those family situations. I try to observe both my mate and where he came from, and what kind of relationship he has with his family. Is the relationship he has with his family similar to mine? Is mine similar to his? Are what we value similar? The bottom line Tony, is you have to decide if you like what you see. If you do, go for it. If not, connect with someone whose life is acceptable to you.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

I realize we are all, to some degree, the product of our environments, but I don't take that as some immutable rule. Everyone has the ability to individually change, to break cycles of all sorts. I'd never reject someone out of hand because of their family situation. I'd watch her both in/out of that situation and make my call from that.

I generally get along (with family members and friends) and take people as I find them, because I want that in return. But as long as the relationship's boudaries are respected--by parents, siblings, friends, etc... then most situations should be relatively easily handled by mature people.

I didn't say anything about it being a "rule" as if people can't change, but when you are in a relationship both romantic and non-romantic, most of the time, whatever is going on around you and the interactions you have with that person have very little to do with you. It has to do with the accumulation of the many experiences that particular person had before she/he even got to you. Whether those experiences are acceptable or not is entirely up to you.

To me, life is not about any one person but how we all connect and affect one another as a whole. Relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, family relationships, etc. affect every area of our well-being and how we respond to people and circumstances at large. Everyone, family and all come with baggage and that comes from the journey of life. But there are healthy amounts and amounts that are seriously unacceptable. I'm not saying that someone who comes from a rough family background can't make a marriage/relationship work, because they can. But I have to look at and accept the things that are important to me. What goals does he have? Do they match mine? What is his idea of living a good life? What does his idea of a good family relationship look like? etc. These kinds of questions are important to me, because I might be surprised to find that his idea of a good family life does not match mine.

Tony, I think you are a wonderful person (based on your posts) but you are marrying the person in your life because of the things (both positive and negative) she brings into your world, and the things that are acceptable to you. You have your standards and I have mine. We all do. It's important to me to be clear that I have specific standards for the man who gets to insert himself into my life, and I leave the choice open to him of where he wants to fit into my life. I refuse to accept the "accept me as I am" line, because we have to be on the same spiritual page in order to enjoy a future together. That includes both his family and his friends. I'm not going to settle for less. What might be of great importance to me, might not be to someone else, and that includes you. What's important is what you are willing to live with and what you are not. That's why I said, to each its own.

[I2K Beta Mu]

^^^Goddamn LOL! Cheerful, you are cool as fuck, but you are high-maintenance as hell. Dude's job gotta be tight, his family gotta be tight, his friends gotta be tight, damn, you leave no room for error. I feel what Tony was saying. Some of the shit you posted I'm cool with, but with some of it I'm not. You're one of those high-maintenance/high class females. No offense to you, but I hate females like that. Some of these females need to come off of that high-horse, for real. That's not directed to you Cheerful, it's just how I generally feel.

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Glad we're cool.


When you're just dating, that's one thing. But as soon as you start talking marriage or long-term then, to an extent, you are with them. Especially if you and your SO have children together.

I get along with my hubby's family, and my family all get along with my hubby. My brother's wife, OTOH, is a piece of work. It's sometimes difficult for my parents to feel like they're as involved as they'd like to be with their grandchildren because of the friction between them (my folks) and my sis-in-law. Christmas, for instance, often becomes less about having fun as a family and more about walking around on eggshells.

It may not be an issue for you now. And, depending on how things go for you and Brandi in particular, it may not be an issue in the future. But, you really do marry the family.

/my two cents

I feel you, but I think it's also my choice if I want to fuck with her family. You feel me? I can just stay at home if I don't want to be around her family or if they don't want to be around me. I feel what you're saying and agree, but if her family is trippin on me, that's cool. As long as she's cool with me and the two of us are getting along, I'm good with that. I don't have to see her family every day. You feel me?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

^^^Goddamn LOL! Cheerful, you are cool as fuck, but you are high-maintenance as hell. Dude's job gotta be tight, his family gotta be tight, his friends gotta be tight, damn, you leave no room for error. I feel what Tony was saying. Some of the shit you posted I'm cool with, but with some of it I'm not. You're one of those high-maintenance/high class females. No offense to you, but I hate females like that. Some of these females need to come off of that high-horse, for real. That's not directed to you Cheerful, it's just how I generally feel.

No, I'm not "high-maintenance" at all, but I do feel that I am a together woman, therefore the person I choose to build a future with needs to be a together man. With the "high-class" comment, what might be "high-class" to you, might be everyday, normal living to me.

There's always room for "error" because we all make mistakes which comes with relationships. I've never been married, so I don't know what being married is like, yet. However, I do know that the important things to help me through most of the trials and tribulations that come with it are Biblical teaching, a man who also follows the Word of God, the things I was taught and raised with, and understanding that my relationship with my mate is only as good as my relationship with God.

Whether both you and Tony choose to accept/agree with "some" of what I've said, all of what I've said, or whether you choose to dismiss it entirely is up to you. Either way, my convictions on this topic will remain the same.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

With the "high-class" comment, what might be "high-class" to you, might be everyday, normal living to me.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

And I meant and strongly believe in everything I said.

LOL

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

No, I'm not "high-maintenance" at all, but I do feel that I am a together woman, therefore the person I choose to build a future with needs to be a together man.

CTFU! okay I feel you. That's good shit, though. I guess you wouldn't fuck with me then. If I went on a date with you, you would run me off LOL. I'm spiritual too because I read my bible from time to time and I do go to church, just not as often as I would like to. My girl gets all into that, so I'm trying to break the cycle. She's been going to church every Sunday lately. She wants me to go too, and I have been sometimes, but her pastor is boring as hell. Dude wants everybody to get up and dance down the isle n shit. I can't fuck with that. For real though Cheerful, you're deep as hell.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I guess you wouldn't fuck with me then. If I went on a date with you, you would run me off LOL.

**awkward**

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

For real though Cheerful, you're deep as hell.

What she is saying is actually quite basic for those who believe as she does. You simply are not one of those people.

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

**awkward**

CTFU! It's not like that. I was just fuckin with her. Plus, I don't even know what she looks like.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

CTFU! okay I feel you. That's good shit, though. I guess you wouldn't fuck with me then. If I went on a date with you, you would run me off LOL. I'm spiritual too because I read my bible from time to time and I do go to church, just not as often as I would like to. My girl gets all into that, so I'm trying to break the cycle. She's been going to church every Sunday lately. She wants me to go too, and I have been sometimes, but her pastor is boring as hell. Dude wants everybody to get up and dance down the isle n shit. I can't fuck with that. For real though Cheerful, you're deep as hell.

Nah, you're just a funny, entertaining username to me.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with God. The relationship you have with God is between you and Him.

For me, yes, I have gone out on many dates before I connected with Mr. and most of those men got rid of themselves. The others, I told them that it wasn't working out, and that I just wanted to keep it on an associate/classmate level. I mean, I wasn't judging them or anything, it's just that it's a lot more than just being "spiritual" for me. The connection should be something a lot deeper than a man "knowing" about Jesus or simply being "spiritual". When I said that he has to be on the same spiritual page as me, I was a referring to my page, and not someone else's. Someone else's "spiritual page" might look a lot different from mine.

When I was in the so called "dating scene", the men who I was considering had to be more than just "spiritual". For me, the man that I chose to connect with needed to be involved with and accountable to God, not just claiming to be "spiritual" and knowing about the Bible. Psalms 1 clearly talks about a godly man, and I wasn't settling for anything less than that. It's just that I believe the accountability factor is huge, because if he won't break the heart of God, then I know he won't break mine, either. I didn't see that in the men I was dating, not until I met Mr. I just think that it's all about being able to meet and connect with the right person, not just with that person alone, but that person's entire life.

You should read Psalms 1 when you get some time. Any man who isn't that, isn't for me.

eta: thank you for the compliment.