Domestic Violence

[Kevin]

Anecdotally speaking, with regard to same-sex DV, I've seen plenty of it while waiting my turn on the VPO docket (in OKC, we have a judge who only hears cases where people are claiming there is domestic violence which entitles them to a restraining order).

Of course, when I say "same sex," it occurs to me that I've never once seen a male-male DV situation. Of course, due to the state of marriage laws in my state, the same sex community doesn't really have the same access to the legal system as everyone else.

[Cen1aur 1963]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Man-on-woman violence tends to be perceived differently than woman-on-man, man-on-man, and woman-on-woman violence. If a GC man shared the lesson that he and his wife learned after a violent altercation in which he punched her, he was arrested, and his wife felt bad seeing him in court--that would receive a different response from GCers. If a GC man said everything that IrishLake said but reversed the genders, it would receive a different response from GCers.

I appreciate IrishLake's honesty so my posts are not about her. It is simply the case that the responses to her post are extremely common. It is extremely common for people to respond to women in a manner that they tend not to respond to men. That includes the fact that women are more likely to share their experiences as the abusee or the abuser than men are. Men would not share if they were abused and they would not share if they abused someone else (even if they learned a huge lesson from it and it strengthened the relationship).

I agree with all of this. I read this entire thread before work this morning, but I didn't have time to respond. That's the bad thing about this board, you almost have to keep checking it for good chatting sessions, otherwise you miss out LOL. This is one that I missed. Dr. Phil, I feel you on this. I've never been abused in a relationship and I've never hit a woman, but I have seen my pops beat on my mom several times. I was just a kid then, and I wasn't much older than 7 or 8 when they finally divorced. It was one of those things that she eventually got tired of. I think sometimes we live in a bad situation for so long that it becomes normal when in reality it isn't. When you mentioned the chuckling if it was a female beating on a dude, I'll admit, I'd probably laugh at that too. It's almost a normal response from a lot of dudes, but at the same time a wrong response. But, yeah, I agree with this all the way.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Anecdotally speaking, with regard to same-sex DV, I've seen plenty of it while waiting my turn on the VPO docket (in OKC, we have a judge who only hears cases where people are claiming there is domestic violence which entitles them to a restraining order).

Of course, when I say "same sex," it occurs to me that I've never once seen a male-male DV situation. Of course, due to the state of marriage laws in my state, the same sex community doesn't really have the same access to the legal system as everyone else.

Is it possible that it was presented as a garden variety male-male fight when it was actually domestic violence? i.e. the officers just refused to book it that way?

[GammaPhi88]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

If you ever want to chat about it send me a PM. I'm happy to help a sister out!

Thank you for that, I will once I get a moment free from the law library!

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by ElieM

There aren't many campaigns that focus on all aspects of DV

SPEAK THAT. I've been saying this for some time (IRL, I don't it's come up here). There are many situations that fall into the category of DV that are never even touched. People are not taught how to deal with them and professionals aren't even taught how to offer help with them, which is a shame.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Is it possible that it was presented as a garden variety male-male fight when it was actually domestic violence? i.e. the officers just refused to book it that way?

Dunno. I don't handle the criminal side of that stuff. Or at least I haven't yet. I do quite a bit of civil restraining order stuff, which is quasi-criminal in nature, because if a victim's protection order is violated in Oklahoma, it's a felony charge.

With an Oklahoma VPO, the party seeking it has to go to the courthouse and file a petition (it's a fill-in-the-blanks form) and give a valid address for service. There's then a court date and a hearing. At the hearing, the judge will listen to the evidence (imagine a daytime judge tv show and it's about like that) and then decides whether or not a VPO can be entered based on the evidence.

[preciousjeni]

I thought of this thread when I read this:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_ne...e=home_oneline

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I thought of this thread when I read this:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_ne...e=home_oneline

I'm not familiar with Cafemom, so I'm not sure if this is just the writing style for the site, but I found this interesting:

And 17 men have come forward to positively identify the three women as having raped them, so it's not just like one or two guys are telling some cockamamie story.

It seems like there must be more than one accuser in order for a "woman raping a man" claim to be legit. I doubt that we would wait for more women to come forward before a "man raping a woman" claim would be seen as legit. I think it would help solidify a case, but the woman's story would not be a "cockamamie" one until others came forward.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

I'm not familiar with Cafemom, so I'm not sure if this is just the writing style for the site, but I found this interesting:



It seems like there must be more than one accuser in order for a "woman raping a man" claim to be legit. I doubt that we would wait for more women to come forward before a "man raping a woman" claim would be seen as legit. I think it would help solidify a case, but the woman's story would not be a "cockamamie" one until others came forward.

The original article is at http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/15/world/...imbabwe-sperm/. I referenced the Cafe Mom blog post, because I thought the author's take and reader comments were interesting in light of the topic of this thread, but the comments on the original article are interesting as well.

There are several comments about why Americans would think the concept of women raping men is humorous as opposed to being sick.

[knight_shadow]

I read through a few of the comments and saw this:

I just don't believe a man can get raped by a woman period!! Forced to have sex maybe but raped hell no!

*facepalm*

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

I read threw a few of the comments and saw this:



*facepalm*

I can't believe people can be that stupid.

[ElieM]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

A lot of people would laugh if they saw similar ads for woman-on-man, man-on-man, and woman-on-woman violence.

Yes, a lot of people would laugh. But wasn't this thread started because many people are unfamiliar with different types of DV and found female on male DV humorous.

If there were more public awareness campaigns about all kinds of DV, then people would be more used to the idea that it can happen to anyone, and find it less humorous. Chicken or the egg kind of thing.

[ASUADPi]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

There is a reason why there are not more public awareness campaigns. Domestic violence organizations need to see a need for the campaigns.

I think personally that it's not that they (the organizations) don't see there is a need (because there is), it think it's because people still consider it such a "taboo" topic.

Like the mentality that the women was "asking" to be raped because she dressed "slutty". I think some people think "what did they do to not keep the spouse/partner happy".

It's a total load of crap. Abusers are on power trips and control freaks and no matter what the victim does they aren't going to make the abuser happy. The problem is the victims tend to have extremely low self esteem and the abusers make them think that they aren't "good enough" for anyone else. It's really sad and I wish there was more out there to get these people out of these relationships and get them the psychological help they need.

I thankfully have never been in that type of relationship so I cannot speak from any personal experience. Knowing who I am though, I'm 100% sure that if my husband/boyfriend laid a hand on me in anger I'd be out that door so fast his head would spin.

[christiangirl]

That article was ridiculous. I cannot believe those women...that's just sick. On all counts. I'm not sure which was worse, the crime they committed or those inane comments.

[southernbelle14]

I just read this thread and love the discussion that's gone on.
I do have something that I'm having trouble with...
In no circumstance do I condone violence, whether it is male on female or reversed. But I'm just not sure that realistically woman on man domestic violence should be viewed the same as man on woman. I mean, generally men are significantly stronger than women. If a girl tries to compete with guy physically they pretty much always lose. When a girl playfully hits a guy, even if it's pretty hard in her opinion, the guy will laugh most of the time about how pathetic it was. But I, as well as many other women I know and I'm sure many I don't know, have been joking around with a guy where they will hold me down to tickle me or something equally innocent and end up actually causing pain. They certainly do not intend to do so, but it still happens. Men are, in general, more capable of causing real damage to a woman than a woman is of causing real damage to a man. At least this is how it seems to me. If I am completely off here, please let me know and help me to better understand.