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I went to school in the nineties, and about 50% of the chapters at my school had at least one "out" butch woman. My chapter had a couple. The year I was a senior, I was not able to make our chapter's formal, but one of the younger members took a female date to formal, and I believe the member wore a tux, the date wore a dress, although maybe they both wore tuxes. Anyway, apparently (and I have this from a reliable source), nobody batted an eye UNTIL member pulled up a chair in the middle of the dance floor and gave her date a lap dance. That transcends sexual preference as a giant no-no, and people were as upset as if it had been a heterosexual couple. Grind if you want at mixers, but lap dances at formal is outrageous, no matter your sexual orientation. The big question, of course, was whether she did it because she felt like she'd never been accepted or whether it just was what she wanted to do at that moment (no idea how much alcohol, if any, had been consumed). Basically everyone felt uncomfortable, but our standards board didn't want to touch it with a ten-foot pole, lest she think it was because she was a lesbian. Honestly, unless something was going on that I was missing, I don't think that was the issue, since we had a couple of "out" butch members and a handful of bisexual members. So again, unless she was being snubbed, and I just didn't notice it, I think the issue was that everyone felt hurt that she pulled that stunt. The tux was fine, the date was fine, but the lap dance felt like an "in your face" move.
My sophomore year informal, my boyfriend was out of town, so I went solo, in a nice pants suit (I guess it was more feminine), and I had a blast. Also, we regularly wore black pants for ritual events, except for initiation, but initiation outfits can be so, um, different, that it doesn't matter at all. As for wearing a full-on suit for, say, a formal chapter meeting, you know, maybe a dozen eyebrows would have been raised, but the other 11 or 12 dozen would have thought, "huh, suit," and that would have been the end of it.
Back to your question - it was very obvious during our recruitment process that we were a diverse sorority, so that's one of the reasons she joined in the first place. Somewhere along the line, it seems that she became uncomfortable with whether or not she was truly accepted in our sisterhood. I wish I knew the whole story, but I don't, so I all I can suggest is going through recruitment, seeing if you can find a house that accepts you as you are (don't bring it up during recruitment, but just be yourself, and if there's a house cool with that, then they might offer you a bi). If you get a bid to a house you think is accepting, if you start to feel uncomfortable, please go address it in a non-confrontational way with the chapter's officers. It may just be paranoia on your part, or it may be that most of the chapter is accepting, but a few people have made you feel uncomfortable, and that needs to be nipped in the bud before it causes lasting damage. Likewise, if the chapter is trying to make you feel welcome, don't test them by pulling any "in your face" stunts, and just be yourself. You are looking for sisterhood, not sexual validation, so if you keep the focus on that, then an accepting chapter may welcome you with open arms.
Good luck with this - I hope there is an organization that is a good match for you!
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