My brothers wedding

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

If I weren't pregnant, I'd be drinking. She called and left me a message today. She's still so upset and she wants to express to me how upset she is.

I broke down and called my brother. Basically, she's so pissed because the other girl she WOULD have asked will now likely say no, because she'll feel second tier. And she doesn't want her friend to feel second tier (she asked all her other bridesmaids in some special way, me not included).

But it's cool for her to make her pregnant future sister-in-law pressured into buying a dress about 5-6 months before it needs to be done.

I am going to reach through this phone and throttle her.

It sounds like you did all you could do; you offered a resolution in a timely manner. Isn't her second-tier friend already going to know that she's ...wait for it ....second-tier? I mean she's not a bridesmaid today, so she knows she's 2nd string. Whatever.

I'd chalk some of this up to "pre-bride bizarreness," shake it off, and go ahead and be happy for your brother and his bride.

[AOEforme]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

It sounds like you did all you could do; you offered a resolution in a timely manner. Isn't her second-tier friend already going to know that she's ...wait for it ....second-tier? I mean she's not a bridesmaid today, so she knows she's 2nd string. Whatever.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid by one of my sorority sisters after everyone else (in the party) had been asked. I really didn't mind and it didn't make me feel second-tier.... because she didn't ask me in a way that made me feel second tier.

That's the important thing. If she goes to one of her friends and was like "I was hoping to ask you to be in our wedding, but my future husband insisted that I ask his sister. Luckily, she declined and I am so fortunate because I'm now able to ask you", the friend will not feel second tier. (Sorry for the world's longest run-on sentence).

However, if she says, "Hey, one of my bridesmaids dropped and I need a new one. Do you wanna?", I'm assuming it will not go down well.

Thank you for this thread. Sometimes, I feel like bridezilla because I'm looking at fabric swatches and place settings for a June 2013 wedding. This thread makes me feel sane.

[pbear19]

So, I'm going to disagree a bit with others, I think. I keep re-reading your OP, and there seems like a lot of underlying issues here. I would be amazingly upset if any future IL of my aired all this dirty laundry online, including copying and pasting an entire email. You've made snarky comments about the length of time she and your brother have been dating, about her mental health, and from the very beginning seemed unwilling/unhappy about being a bridesmaid.

I don't blame her for being disappointed that you backed out now, instead of just declining in the beginning. She's probably upset and doesn't understand in general why you would say yes if you didn't want to do it. I do think you did the right thing to back out, because it seems like it would have just gotten worse. It's not your wedding, it's hers and your bother's, and if you can't be there for them fully, then it's best not to try to do something halfway. You and the rest of your family may not agree with everything they are planning to do, but that doesn't mean that they don't have the right to plan their wedding the way they want to. Regardless of who is paying. (I feel very strongly that if you give the gift of paying for a wedding, it is a gift, not a right to control. If I give someone a birthday present I don't then have the right to tell them how to use it.)

I just think there is way more going on here than the dress issue, or the no-kids issue, or anything that relates to a detail in the wedding itself.

I'm sorry if this is overly harsh, but for some reason this whole thread really struck a chord with me. Maybe because I'm sensitive to the whole "they haven't been dating long enough" sentiment. My husband and I got engaged 5 months after we met, and that was 12 years ago. Maybe it's because I'm 12 weeks pregnant, with no end yet in sight of morning sickness and generally feeling like a disgusting, nasty blob, yet would gladly order and alter the bejeezus out of any dress if my brother's fiance were planning a frills wedding and wanted bridesmaids, no matter how fugly the dress may or may not be on me.

Or maybe it's just the whole pregnant/blobby/grouchy/hormonal bit in me coming out. If that's the case, I apologize. But I feel sorry for your FSIL, for the fact that you are sharing all this online, and for the fact that you seem to think very poorly of her. I do understand the need to vent. I guess this just seems like too much information in too public of a place, that it feels meaner than a normal vent to me. But, I'm hormonal, so do take all this with a grain of salt.