My brothers wedding

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

these children at a wedding from the BritCom "Outnumbered."

Hahahahaha why does that first little boy talk like a Potter Puppet Pal?

iVote for the cookie table

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

That depends on who you ask.

I totally get being grateful for having someone share all/some of the costs of a wedding, but I can't stand when people use money to try and get their way. After seeing what my sister went through with her wedding, I can safely say should I ever get married most (if not all) folks will get a big fat "F-off" if they tried to pull something like this.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Ch2tf

I totally get being grateful for having someone share all/some of the costs of a wedding, but I can't stand when people use money to try and get their way. After seeing what my sister went through with her wedding, I can safely say should I ever get married most (if not all) folks will get a big fat "F-off" if they tried to pull something like this.

Say it again!

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Well, if you ask this "troublemaker" (), I'd say, yes, they are within their rights, sort off. (Technically, the "rights" belong to the hosts -- whomever the invitation says is inviting people to the wedding, though to ignore the bride and groom's wishes on something like this is, I think, over the top.) But I hate to see this turn into a question of rights. Paying for the wedding is a gift, and as such it should be given graciously, not with a sense of control or entitlement.

Somehow, I think this is going to start me off on the wedding industry and the amount of money spent on weddings, so I'm going to be quiet now.

I like your response because we have now come full circle. This stuff isn't "common sense," afterall. I WON. *running before MysticCat reads this*

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I like your response because we have now come full circle. This stuff isn't "common sense," afterall. I WON. *running before MysticCat reads this*

Matters of considerations for the feelings of others and of a spririt of gracious giving are almost always common sense.

So. You. Lose.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

That depends on who you ask.

Well, if you ask this "troublemaker" (), I'd say, yes, they are within their rights, sort off. (Technically, the "rights" belong to the hosts -- whomever the invitation says is inviting people to the wedding, though to ignore the bride and groom's wishes on something like this is, I think, over the top.) But I hate to see this turn into a question of rights. Paying for the wedding is a gift, and as such it should be given graciously, not with a sense of control or entitlement.

Somehow, I think this is going to start me off on the wedding industry and the amount of money spent on weddings, so I'm going to be quiet now.

[AZTheta]

Oh BOY!!!!! runs to sofa, popcorn and soda in hand!!!

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

Oh BOY!!!!! runs to sofa, popcorn and soda in hand!!!

Originally Posted by IrishLake

lmao. I think I might try to sneak-send an invite to MC and DrPhil... they would really liven the party up!

[IrishLake]

lmao. I think I might try to sneak-send an invite to MC and DrPhil... they would really liven the party up!

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

lmao. I think I might try to sneak-send an invite to MC and DrPhil... they would really liven the party up!

Only if you have a separate camcorder for those two!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

lmao. I think I might try to sneak-send an invite to MC and DrPhil... they would really liven the party up!

I'm so there!!

[IrishLake]

gt;lijregoiwemoirt(*& ;lkndfo *&^^&%^ kjsdnf kslk j;l %$$#$@# ksjdnf $@#$j b23656 %$@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's how I now feel.

It took FSiL over a week to respond to my email where I made some suggestions regarding my role as a bridesmaid. She shut me down, suggested I just order a dress a few sizes bigger than what I was before I got pregnant. So, um, no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to order the largest size possible, and then just have them alter the shit out of it when the time comes, because it'll look like ass if it gets over-altered. So, I tried to call her last night, no luck. Called my brother this morning and gave him the heads up. He was disappointed, I can tell, which makes me feel terrible because I love my brother dearly. I told him I'd still love to be involved in some way. He was defending her decision because of what DB is feeding FSiL, that dresses should be ordered by mid-October and no later, or else risk the dress getting discontinued. Ok, I can understand that concern, maybe a little.

Anyway, I finally talked to her tonight. I was apologetic, said I'd be honored to still be involved in some way, things would be different if I weren't pregnant right this second, but considering my size now, and what I was before I got preggo, and what I'll be after because I always lose a ton of weight in the months right after having a baby.... it's like 3 sizes difference. The last bridesmaid dress I got from DB was 2 sizes bigger than normal just to fit my boobs and I had to have it altered in the waist. She again suggested I just order a dress a few sizes bigger, and then just have them alter the hell out of it when the time comes. I told her that just wasn't a practical idea, not with this style of dress. Throw in the fact I'll be toting around a 5 month old baby... it's just not meant to be, it's not practical. I told her my kids are still excited to be involved, and that my husband still wanted to be a groomsman, provided she finds another bridesmaid. If they don't, no big deal, he has no problem stepping aside. Her response?

"Well, I wish you had told me sooner. I have other girls I could ask to be bridesmaids, but now that it's coming down to be the time to order the dresses, I don't know if I feel right asking them now and telling them it would have to be ordered in like 4 weeks."
Um. WTF? YOU JUST ASKED ME 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!! Then it was:
"Well, I'm disappointed, but, it is what it is I guess. I was afraid this was going to happen."

THEN, I suggested the cookie table, I'd be more than willing to handle all of that.
"No, we aren't having anything like that."

No kids.

No cookie table.

I will be drinking heavily come June.

Smile still plastered on, in my nicest voice, I said "Well, my daughter is still really looking forward to being a flowergirl, so just let me know when you want to look at dresses for that."
"Oh, yeah I don't know when that's going to be, I'm really busy right now."

I'm refraining from talking to my brother for a wile, because I don't want to say something I'll regret. So help me if she punishes me by removing my kids from everything. I will kick my brothers ass from here to kingdom come.

[IrishLake]

If I weren't pregnant, I'd be drinking. She called and left me a message today. She's still so upset and she wants to express to me how upset she is.

I broke down and called my brother. Basically, she's so pissed because the other girl she WOULD have asked will now likely say no, because she'll feel second tier. And she doesn't want her friend to feel second tier (she asked all her other bridesmaids in some special way, me not included).

But it's cool for her to make her pregnant future sister-in-law pressured into buying a dress about 5-6 months before it needs to be done.

I am going to reach through this phone and throttle her.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

If I weren't pregnant, I'd be drinking. She called and left me a message today. She's still so upset and she wants to express to me how upset she is.

I broke down and called my brother. Basically, she's so pissed because the other girl she WOULD have asked will now likely say no, because she'll feel second tier. And she doesn't want her friend to feel second tier (she asked all her other bridesmaids in some special way, me not included).

But it's cool for her to make her pregnant future sister-in-law pressured into buying a dress about 5-6 months before it needs to be done.

I am going to reach through this phone and throttle her.

It sounds like you did all you could do; you offered a resolution in a timely manner. Isn't her second-tier friend already going to know that she's ...wait for it ....second-tier? I mean she's not a bridesmaid today, so she knows she's 2nd string. Whatever.

I'd chalk some of this up to "pre-bride bizarreness," shake it off, and go ahead and be happy for your brother and his bride.

[AOEforme]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

It sounds like you did all you could do; you offered a resolution in a timely manner. Isn't her second-tier friend already going to know that she's ...wait for it ....second-tier? I mean she's not a bridesmaid today, so she knows she's 2nd string. Whatever.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid by one of my sorority sisters after everyone else (in the party) had been asked. I really didn't mind and it didn't make me feel second-tier.... because she didn't ask me in a way that made me feel second tier.

That's the important thing. If she goes to one of her friends and was like "I was hoping to ask you to be in our wedding, but my future husband insisted that I ask his sister. Luckily, she declined and I am so fortunate because I'm now able to ask you", the friend will not feel second tier. (Sorry for the world's longest run-on sentence).

However, if she says, "Hey, one of my bridesmaids dropped and I need a new one. Do you wanna?", I'm assuming it will not go down well.

Thank you for this thread. Sometimes, I feel like bridezilla because I'm looking at fabric swatches and place settings for a June 2013 wedding. This thread makes me feel sane.

[pbear19]

So, I'm going to disagree a bit with others, I think. I keep re-reading your OP, and there seems like a lot of underlying issues here. I would be amazingly upset if any future IL of my aired all this dirty laundry online, including copying and pasting an entire email. You've made snarky comments about the length of time she and your brother have been dating, about her mental health, and from the very beginning seemed unwilling/unhappy about being a bridesmaid.

I don't blame her for being disappointed that you backed out now, instead of just declining in the beginning. She's probably upset and doesn't understand in general why you would say yes if you didn't want to do it. I do think you did the right thing to back out, because it seems like it would have just gotten worse. It's not your wedding, it's hers and your bother's, and if you can't be there for them fully, then it's best not to try to do something halfway. You and the rest of your family may not agree with everything they are planning to do, but that doesn't mean that they don't have the right to plan their wedding the way they want to. Regardless of who is paying. (I feel very strongly that if you give the gift of paying for a wedding, it is a gift, not a right to control. If I give someone a birthday present I don't then have the right to tell them how to use it.)

I just think there is way more going on here than the dress issue, or the no-kids issue, or anything that relates to a detail in the wedding itself.

I'm sorry if this is overly harsh, but for some reason this whole thread really struck a chord with me. Maybe because I'm sensitive to the whole "they haven't been dating long enough" sentiment. My husband and I got engaged 5 months after we met, and that was 12 years ago. Maybe it's because I'm 12 weeks pregnant, with no end yet in sight of morning sickness and generally feeling like a disgusting, nasty blob, yet would gladly order and alter the bejeezus out of any dress if my brother's fiance were planning a frills wedding and wanted bridesmaids, no matter how fugly the dress may or may not be on me.

Or maybe it's just the whole pregnant/blobby/grouchy/hormonal bit in me coming out. If that's the case, I apologize. But I feel sorry for your FSIL, for the fact that you are sharing all this online, and for the fact that you seem to think very poorly of her. I do understand the need to vent. I guess this just seems like too much information in too public of a place, that it feels meaner than a normal vent to me. But, I'm hormonal, so do take all this with a grain of salt.