My brothers wedding

[southbymidwest]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

I know! I know! (jumping up and down doing the ridiculous happy dance).

You can do the (wait for it...) COOKIE TABLE!

COOKIE TABLE! COOKIE TABLE! COOKIE TABLE!

[DubaiSis]

Oh, and the whole "your brother wants you in his wedding" thing? Not necessarily. Guys so often don't care and she very well could be trying to be even-steven about including his side of the family, and not doing anybody any favors in the process. I'd pick your "least likely to cause a family kurfuffle" excuse and go with it as soon as possible. And any of those helpy things christiangirl mentioned can be sooo much more valuable. When I got married I only had one of my sisters stand up with me - I wasn't going to be the 35 year old with 4 bridesmaids which is what it would have been if I'd included more sisters because I'd have to have had all mine and his. Anyway, my SIL who I hadn't gotten along with to that point followed me around all day and held my dress up (outside wedding on golf course) while my sisters were worthless. She was definitely more help to me than she'd have been in a matchy dress that she'd undoubtedly have hated.

Advise her about how much more help you can be as an assistant who's not in a matchy dress and maybe you can successfully cushion the blow.

[FSUZeta]

when my brother got married, i was invited to be a bridesmaid and the kids were invited to be the ring bearer(4 or5 years old) and flower girl(6 or 7 years old). As the wedding was being held in a big church that my children were not familiar with, i was able to use the excuse that it would probably be better if i was not a bridemaid, so that i would stay in the church foyer until time for the kids to walk down the aisle, and so they would have someone to sit with if they got overwhelmed. the kids behaved beautifully-i wasn't that worried about them, to be honest, but the excuse was plausible and worked.

i still felt a part of my brothers big day, and as others have suggested, i was able to assist in behind the scene ways.

i say better to back out now than remain in the wedding, only to feel resentment and incur a lot of expenses(dress, tux, kids clothing, baby sitter, etc.). Feel free to use my excuse, if you want!

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

when my brother got married, i was invited to be a bridesmaid and the kids were invited to be the ring bearer(4 or5 years old) and flower girl(6 or 7 years old). As the wedding was being held in a big church that my children were not familiar with, i was able to use the excuse that it would probably be better if i was not a bridemaid, so that i would stay in the church foyer until time for the kids to walk down the aisle, and so they would have someone to sit with if they got overwhelmed. the kids behaved beautifully-i wasn't that worried about them, to be honest, but the excuse was plausible and worked.

i still felt a part of my brothers big day, and as others have suggested, i was able to assist in behind the scene ways.

i say better to back out now than remain in the wedding, only to feel resentment and incur a lot of expenses(dress, tux, kids clothing, baby sitter, etc.). Feel free to use my excuse, if you want!

In or out, you need to tell the bride NOW. As far as I can see, you have some of the best excuses in the world. AND, there will be far less drama if you do it now instead of later.

[DrPhil]

IrishLake, with all due admiration and respect, I know that you are going through some ups and downs regarding this. You are ranting and still thinking about what you are going to do. Once the dust settles, I just hope you haven't typed something that was perhaps best left untyped in this public forum.

Originally Posted by IrishLake

THEN, this is a big kick in the nuts for my family, they have decided to have an adult only reception (besides my 2 kids and my aunts kids, who will be distributing programs at the church).

Woohoo! They are wise and I wish more people did this. Families with a lot of kids have plenty of time to get childsitters. That detail should be of no concern to the bride, groom, and wedding planner. Make it happen, people.

All but 2 of the weddings I was a bridesmaid for or attended over the years were adult only. The 2 that were not did not have open bar or any alcohol at all; or they knew their family and friends had children who were old enough that they wouldn't get on everyone else's nerves. Yes, children in a certain age range get on my nerves and that includes the ones who I love dearly but can't wait until they go home. I would hate to be at a reception (and even a wedding) with them, not because they aren't well-raised and well-behaved but because they are still...children...and children can be unpredictable and taxing when adults want adult time. I don't want to hear crying, screaming, running around with parents chasing after them, parents who can't mingle with adults and have adult conversation because this has now become "kid time." Spare me.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Woohoo! They are wise and I wish more people did this.

I don't think wisdom has anything to do with this. They are (rightfully) exercising their personal preference. Personal preference and wisdom aren't the same thing.

I know we talked about this in another thread. I like seeing kids at wedding receptions, and they rarely bother me in the least. Shoot, I'd often rather sit with the kids than with the adults. But many others don't like have kids at weddings. The bride and groom should do things how they prefer to do things.

And because I'm guessing IrishLake could use a bit of humor, and because even though Dr. Phil will think this proves her point, I just love this clip, I offer these children at a wedding from the BritCom "Outnumbered."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

They are (rightfully) exercising their personal preference.

And this is wise especially when the decision is neither unfounded nor unrealistic.

LOL @ that link

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

And this is wise especially when the decision is neither unfounded nor unrealistic.

Eh. Doesn't get to the level of wise for me -- I'd classify it as common sense, not wisdom.

LOL @ that link

I absolutely love that show.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Eh. Doesn't get to the level of wise for me -- I'd classify it as common sense, not wisdom.

How could it be common sense when it isn't common? People tend not to solely exercise their personal preference. They tend to go with pressures of conformity. That is particularly the case with weddings. Such pressure in weddings is why couples tend not to have the wedding of their dreams because their families' opinions and preferences matter more.

So, based on what wise means, I consider a couple going with their own preferences to be wise considering that it is probably at no detriment to anyone else. And they have probably weighed the costs and benefits of it and understand the decision. Now if I disagreed with their decision, as you seem to, or IrishLake said they only made that decision to piss the family off my assessment of the wisdom of the decision may change if I believed it was rooted in ignorance and poor planning on their part.

[DubaiSis]

I just think it's weird to have kids in a wedding that is otherwise adults only. The kids won't want to be there if there are no other kids and the possibility that they become the children everyone wants to avoid is made even greater because they won't have anyone to play with. There is, after all, only so much you can expect from a 4 year old (or so... isn't that the typical age of flower girls and ring bearers?).

[AOEforme]

A suggestion you could make to your future SIL: hire babysitters for the evening.

We're doing this for our wedding, because my family has a good amount of young kids and we're having flower girls. We have two family friends who are in high school but not quite close enough to us to be invited to the wedding. They are excellent baby sitters so we're paying them $75 each (big money for a 15 year old) and for their hotel room.

We're letting our family know that we're providing sitting services for the duration of the reception, so they can bring the kids to the wedding (if they so choose) and drop them off in the room after dinner. This way the kids get to play with all their friends, swim in the pool (both girls are lifeguards), and everyone gets to enjoy the wedding. Also, we get an "adult only" feel without having to exclude family members.

---------------------

Also, I would honestly give her all the reasons you listed (politely) and then volunteer to help with other things, especially the cookie table. (I always feel bad asking people to help with mine, because it's asking someone to bake for 300 people).

In addition, she may actually have another girl (not to be rude) that she would rather have in your place, but bumped per your brother's request.

Finally, you can always tell if someone doesn't want to be in a wedding party. You wouldn't be able to do it with the excitement every bride wants in her bridesmaids and it would end up sucking for both of you. I know I might be mildly resentful of a sister-in-law who was less than thrilled to stand next to me on my big day.

Tell her you appreciate the gesture but just can't do it and give her a different task you would be more than willing to do. Everyone wins!

[DubaiSis]

Originally Posted by AOEforme

A suggestion you could make to your future SIL: hire babysitters for the evening.

We're doing this for our wedding, because my family has a good amount of young kids and we're having flower girls. We have two family friends who are in high school but not quite close enough to us to be invited to the wedding. They are excellent baby sitters so we're paying them $75 each (big money for a 15 year old) and for their hotel room.

We're letting our family know that we're providing sitting services for the duration of the reception, so they can bring the kids to the wedding (if they so choose) and drop them off in the room after dinner. This way the kids get to play with all their friends, swim in the pool (both girls are lifeguards), and everyone gets to enjoy the wedding. Also, we get an "adult only" feel without having to exclude family members.

This is an excellent compromise.

[agzg]

This is neither here nor there but I actually really like the dress, and yes, it's David's, but they do discontinue colors. For the wedding I was in last weekend, they did discontinue the color the dress was in, and because of that we had to order the dresses last fall (mine came into the store right before Christmas so I must have ordered it in October) for a Labor Day weekend wedding. I also had to call and make sure my SIL could still get it - they had like four left in her size in that color (they had already discontinued it) and she had to order it right quick in January.

It's a pain in the tush, but I get it.

I think you should tell her you can't do it. You've had a lot going on this year.

[IrishLake]

Ya'll are awesome, I'll just say that. But ya'll knew that anyway, you didn't need me to tell you.

For my extended family, both sides, weddings are a huge deal. They are large Irish-German drunk fests with lots of fun times had by all, including kids. And especially for us, weddings are a reason to get together and see everyone, including kids. First cousins and aunts and uncles are now scattered all over the state/country, and they have kids. Who knows when there will be another wedding (no other cousins are in serious relationships).

What AOEforme said has already been suggested by my saintly grandmother (showing early signs of dementia). My grandmother badly wants to see all of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren at this wedding. She doesn't get to see some of them very often, due to distance (usually just Christmas time), but a wedding (kids included) means everyone will come. The good thing about their reception venue is that it has a "children's room" on the lower level of the building. A room full of toys and a tv and DVD player. Another cousin had her reception at this very same place 5 years ago and they utilized the children's room to the fullest extent (a very nice, very pricey place). The only reason FSiL and my brother don't want kids is because my brothers best friend just got married in our hometown and the reception was at a local American Legion hall, and the kids were out of control. It really turned FSiL off to having kids at her wedding. However, my brother suggested they hire babysitters for all the kids.

My mother, who can be known as a bitch, is sharing the expense of the wedding with FSiLs parents. She is on the verge of throwing around "well if I'm paying for it..." I've told her to hold off, that's too much. If Brother and FSiL were paying for it themselves... well, I don't know. Is it within their rights to say "NO KIDS" if the people paying for everything say "we want kids?"

If it ends up being "no kids," then my kids won't be staying for the whole reception. Maybe dinner, and then maybe I can find a babysitter to take them to. I've not yet heard back from FSiL regarding my email suggestion (waiting for a fitting until the end of winter, calling DB every few weeks to see if the dress or color is being discontinued). Now I'm debating whether or not to wait until she gets back to me, or go ahead and call her now. OR.... just call my brother and get his opinion. He says he wants me in it, but if I suggest something else (doing a church reading, cookie table, etc).... he would probably be ok.

Now to go look at MCs link...

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

Is it within their rights to say "NO KIDS" if the people paying for everything say "we want kids?"

That depends on who you ask.

That's also an example of when people may have to get over their preferences to make their families happy.

Originally Posted by IrishLake

Now to go look at MCs link...

He's a troublemaker.