First signs of a bad first date - Page 10

TonyB06 · #**136** 06-08-2011, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

During a first date last week, at the end of dinner and before the check comes, he asks,

"Hey, you wanna split this?"

I replied, "Sure!"

I feel like it is the man's responsibility to pay for dinner during the first date. After a few more then it can be split evenly; I don't even mind taking the bill if it's a place that I recommend. This wasn't an expensive dinner, either--it was Mexican. If you can't afford to do that, then just limit the first date to drinks or coffee.

Needless to say, I deleted his contact information from my phone the next day.

I agree with you. At the very least, if he wanted to split the check you should have known that before going out.

I think it's easier, particularly after you're an established "couple," to mix it up in terms of paying for stuff. But at the outset, it's got to be me. I always say 'hey, I gotta know that you know that I got this.' (my girlfriend knows this is my tortured explanation of "man law" to her).

33girl · #**137** 06-08-2011, 02:02 PM

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

Munchkin03 · #**138** 06-08-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

It was through "traditional" means. I always offer to pay, regardless of how we met, and this is the first time someone actually brought it up first. It was definitely off-putting. The fact that he brought it up even before the bill came was a red flag to me more than anything else.

TonyB06 · #**139** 06-08-2011, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

Fair enough, but don't you feel just a teeny bit warmer toward the guy if, after offering to pay for the first date (even if you asked him out), he overrides and insists that he pay? ..call it a spasm of chivalry or something.

Why does online vs. traditional meeting makes such a difference to you?

I'm sure I'm probalby missing the subtext of your "entitlement" point. You're not saying you're more entitled to refuse him a BJ becuase you paid, are you? I mean, he's not "entitled" to services no matter who paid, right?

Alumiyum · #**140** 06-08-2011, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

During a first date last week, at the end of dinner and before the check comes, he asks,

"Hey, you wanna split this?"

I replied, "Sure!"

I feel like it is the man's responsibility to pay for dinner during the first date. After a few more then it can be split evenly; I don't even mind taking the bill if it's a place that I recommend. This wasn't an expensive dinner, either--it was Mexican. If you can't afford to do that, then just limit the first date to drinks or coffee.

Needless to say, I deleted his contact information from my phone the next day.

I feel like whoever initiates the date should pay. I've never asked a guy out, but if I did I'd offer to cover the check. Would he get bonus points if he said, "No let me?" Yes. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he didn't. But if he asks you out on a first date then he should at least OFFER to pay. Like you said, if you can't afford to find a cheaper place to have a date in the first place.

I will say that when I've started regularly seeing a guy I've insisted on splitting. I have two brothers and I wouldn't be thrilled for either of them to date a girl that insisted they pay her way for everything after they had been dating a while. At all. I've got sympathy for the dudes. (Or if I'm dating a guy that always wants to do dinner and a movie it's acceptable for me to get the bill one date and him the next.)

Munchkin03 · #**141** 06-08-2011, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

I feel like whoever initiates the date should pay. I've never asked a guy out, but if I did I'd offer to cover the check. Would he get bonus points if he said, "No let me?" Yes. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he didn't. But if he asks you out on a first date then he should at least OFFER to pay. Like you said, if you can't afford to find a cheaper place to have a date in the first place.

I will say that when I've started regularly seeing a guy I've insisted on splitting. I have two brothers and I wouldn't be thrilled for either of them to date a girl that insisted they pay her way for everything after they had been dating a while. At all. I've got sympathy for the dudes. (Or if I'm dating a guy that always wants to do dinner and a movie it's acceptable for me to get the bill one date and him the next.)

I think I mentioned above that after a few dates, I'd feel uncomfortable NOT chipping in or at least offering to do so. But, this was a first date where he invited me and selected the location. The least he could have done was paid. But, it's no mind, as I was not into him for other reasons--this was just the last nail in the coffin.

33girl · #**142** 06-08-2011, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TonyB06

Fair enough, but don't you feel just a teeny bit warmer toward the guy if, after offering to pay for the first date (even if you asked him out), he overrides and insists that he pay? ..call it a spasm of chivalry or something.

Why does online vs. traditional meeting makes such a difference to you?

I'm sure I'm probalby missing the subtext of your "entitlement" point. You're not saying you're more entitled to refuse him a BJ becuase you paid, are you? I mean, he's not "entitled" to services no matter who paid, right?

Yeah, it's nice, but I really don't care one way or the other. Personal baggage: my first boyfriend had ISSUES with money and the management thereof. He would do stuff like buying me a dozen roses, a stuffed animal and a card, and then 10 minutes later be like "honey, can I borrow $10? I need to get a haircut." I wish he would have skipped the stupid roses and used his money wisely. (When I met his family eventually, I COMPLETELY understood where this came from.) Needless to say I learned NOT to rely on a man for everything.

If I'm emancipated enough to ask a guy out, he should be emancipated enough to not think I'm cutting his balls off if I pay.

As far as traditional vs online meeting: if a guy I know in real life asks me out on a date, either I've known him long enough or he's been vetted enough by friends that I know he's probably not going to pull any passive aggressive dick moves, like making me feel "obligated" if he pays. Meeting someone for the first time from match.com or whatever - I have NO idea if this guy's going to be all he said he was. A guy who's seemed like a nice, sweet guy can pull PADMs like it's going out of style or be a straight up psycho. I would rather be on an even footing in the smallest things - like paying for a drink - than take the risk of having someone I don't know think I "owe" him in any way, shape or form.

33girl · #**143** 06-08-2011, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

But, this was a first date where he invited me and selected the location.

Yeah, that's mega lame. Buh-bye.

Alumiyum · #**144** 06-08-2011, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I think I mentioned above that after a few dates, I'd feel uncomfortable NOT chipping in or at least offering to do so. But, this was a first date where he invited me and selected the location. The least he could have done was paid. But, it's no mind, as I was not into him for other reasons--this was just the last nail in the coffin.

I feel like that's an indication that he isn't very socially aware. Or polite. Neeeeexxxtttt.

psy · #**145** 06-19-2011, 04:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by agzg

I would imagine that some of the guys who wear the software company logo shirts are trying to imply that they're wealthy (and work for an uber successful tech company like Microsoft, Google, or Apple). Tech guys love to show that shit off.

A couple of years ago, my mom (married, in her 50's) went to a bar with her (then recently divorced) friend. This bar happened to be filled with men in their 40's and 50's seemingly trying to hook-up with women a few decades younger, which sort of creeped her out to begin with. Anyway, she saw a man wearing a shirt with the logo of the large company my dad had worked for for many years. She mentioned that her husband had worked for the company and asked what the man did there. His response? "Oh, I don't work there. I just wear the shirt." She was even more creeped out after that.

ThetaPrincess24 · #**146** 06-19-2011, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

"So when are we gonna have sex?"

I actually did have someone ask me that on a first date. That question combined with a few other topics of conversation, creeped me out to the point I called my cousin (who is a cab driver here in town) to pick me up and take me home.

AGDee · #**147** 06-19-2011, 01:19 PM

I'm glad The Talker and I are at a phase now where he felt comfortable saying "I have to warn you, I am penniless this weekend". We've both had quite a few unexpected expenses come up in the past couple weeks so we are both broke. I told him that was fine, we can go hang out at a park and use a gift card I have for Red Robin for dinner. Then we can watch a movie on Netflix or On Demand or something. I'm cool with that. We're grown ups and I'm glad he's not embarrassed to say "I'm broke today".

DrPhil · #**148** 06-19-2011, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

I'm glad The Talker and I are at a phase now where he felt comfortable saying "I have to warn you, I am penniless this weekend". We've both had quite a few unexpected expenses come up in the past couple weeks so we are both broke. I told him that was fine, we can go hang out at a park and use a gift card I have for Red Robin for dinner. Then we can watch a movie on Netflix or On Demand or something. I'm cool with that. We're grown ups and I'm glad he's not embarrassed to say "I'm broke today".

I love that level of comfort, honesty, and respect. Friends (and lovers) need to be able to say their money is funny without feeling lesser than or judged.

That sounds like a fun date to me even if the money wasn't funny.

Less is more.

psy · #**149** 06-19-2011, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I love that level of comfort, honesty, and respect. Friends (and lovers) need to be able to say their money is funny without feeling lesser than or judged.

That sounds like a fun date to me even if the money wasn't funny.

Less is more.

I agree; that sounds awesome (not that you are pennliness but in the sweet, resourceful way you both handled it)!

cheerfulgreek · #**150** 06-20-2011, 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThetaPrincess24

I actually did have someone ask me that on a first date. That question combined with a few other topics of conversation, creeped me out to the point I called my cousin (who is a cab driver here in town) to pick me up and take me home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

I'm glad The Talker and I are at a phase now where he felt comfortable saying "I have to warn you, I am penniless this weekend". We've both had quite a few unexpected expenses come up in the past couple weeks so we are both broke. I told him that was fine, we can go hang out at a park and use a gift card I have for Red Robin for dinner. Then we can watch a movie on Netflix or On Demand or something. I'm cool with that. We're grown ups and I'm glad he's not embarrassed to say "I'm broke today".

Awww.