Concerns for Boyfriend going through Recruitment

[33girl]

Yeah, I didn't really mean to call him out for dating a youngun - more that I thought he was dating someone his own age and pulling all this out of his butt. Just a word for the future, bro: if there's anything that people could jump on, it's wise to word things as to not leave any doubt. "A female friend of mine who is currently an active collegian" would have sufficed, as that's what she is, and you would have gotten zero shit for that facet of it. Put it on the street, people pick it up. Such is life.

As far as the young lady in question's pledge program - you get out of it what you put into it. If she didn't make an effort to get to know her pledge sisters and the rest of the sorority beyond what you described, didn't attend any events beyond what was required, didn't in effect GET HER MONEY'S WORTH, I'm sorry, but that's her own damn fault. Yes, a lot of these nationally mandated programs suck ass in some areas, but there's nothing the chapter can do about it. When you have 29 pledges who are busting their butts to get to know sisters, to get to know the rest of the Greek community, to attend all the events they can, and doing it without you twisting their arms, why on earth would you bother to twist the arm of #30 who does the bare minimum? If she felt her experience so subpar, she should not have initiated.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Yeah, I didn't really mean to call him out for dating a youngun -

You did call him really gross...

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

You did call him really gross...

My point was that my primary purpose in linking to that old post was to question the validity of his story, not call him out for his dating choices. I thought I was calling him out for making stuff up for story value, but was informed that was not so. If he would have straight up said he was 38 and dating a 19 year old, I would have expressed that I think that's ick.

[Regina.George]

Originally Posted by dnall

First the girl in question is still an active. (Far as the personal life goes... we didn't know each others ages till it was on, and then decided to take a chance. I've heard this shit from my friends and hers. It hurts and I'm tired of it. We recently broke up after a year and a half together over this issue, which still hurts. So, now that your curiosity is satisfied, I really do not want to talk about it. I appreciate your consideration.)

This is a thread about fraternity pledgeship, so is my damn lane.

Yes I'm going off what she told me, which may not be the entire story, but is pretty close. I'm repeating her story only. I'm not saying anything about any other sorority on her campus and certainly not everywhere else. I know for a fact other sororities on her campus made their girls know a lot of information. That's not the point.

I was trying to explain through a real world example that a joke of a NM program makes for a bad org, less than stellar members, weak brotherhood, and a poor greek experience. VERSUS a legit program.

This is one of those areas where things need to be very different for girls and guys. What it takes to teach and gain absolute devotion from a guy in a short period of time is very different from a girl. If I were an expert at methods to achieve that with girls, then my life would be a bit more entertaining than it is now. But, I am pretty damn good at getting those results from guys through military, fraternity, and business experiences.

When I pledged, which was well back in the day, I knew for sure I was getting hazed. I hung out with my soon to be pledge brothers the night before we took our bids & we made a pact that if we had to do certain things to a pizza & eat it or goats or any crap like that, that we'd all walk together, but otherwise we'd stay strong together to get through anything that comes.

Most of what we experienced was productive, some was not. Some was funny, some was moronic. A lot of it was fun to laugh about later. When pledge brothers wanted to quit, we had a conversation with them about hanging in so they could vote to help us change it. It took another year and getting busted for hazing, but we did change it to a great program that I was really proud to be part of creating. Most people would have said it was harder to do the new program than hazing, but it was legal & very productive.

Anyway, advice for the bf of the OP is don't stress about it. Focus on finding the right place to be & everything else will take care of itself.

Oh boo hoo. You're breaking my little QFPing heart.

[dnall]

I'm a couple years younger than that (I may have rounded up a couple years elsewhere) & she's a couple years older than you're giving her credit for, but you should still be ashamed of yourselves. I wouldn't come on here smacking someone else around over a fresh break up. That's just evil. Especially since it wasn't caused for a lack of love, friendship, or ability to relate, but because of people like yall giving each of us constant shit. If this was an interracial relationship between people of the same age you'd call people giving them crap bad people, but you try to insert yourself into our relationship without even knowing either one of us or how we felt about each other. That's fucked up. I don't care what you think it looks like on the surface. You don't think it bothered us when we figured out the age difference? It did, but love is bigger than that bullshit, or at least I thought it was. But that's it. I'm not commenting on it further, and if you want to keep talking about it then you're fucked up people.

Originally Posted by 33girl

As far as the young lady in question's pledge program - you get out of it what you put into it. If she didn't make an effort to get to know her pledge sisters and the rest of the sorority beyond what you described, didn't attend any events beyond what was required, didn't in effect GET HER MONEY'S WORTH, I'm sorry, but that's her own damn fault. Yes, a lot of these nationally mandated programs suck ass in some areas, but there's nothing the chapter can do about it. When you have 29 pledges who are busting their butts to get to know sisters, to get to know the rest of the Greek community, to attend all the events they can, and doing it without you twisting their arms, why on earth would you bother to twist the arm of #30 who does the bare minimum? If she felt her experience so subpar, she should not have initiated.

It's like 200 in her chapter, pledge class I think close to 60. They had Wed night pledge class socials that she had late class and an 8am so didn't go to about half of those, but did try very very hard to get to know her pledge sisters. She was a couple years older then them, having transferred, and had trouble relating to a bunch of snooty 18yo girls versus some of the older actives (maybe that sounds ironic given the above info, or maybe it doesn't I don't know).

I get that her new member educator epically sucked by that chapter's standards, and that the chapter in question is weak in that area compared to presumably every other sorority on campus. But that's how it worked out. Now she's back & forth between wanting to drop and loving it.

I don't know. I don't care anymore. None of this was the point. Only that a shitty pledge program makes for a horrible greek experience. For guys at least it needs to be hard. Some chapters achieve that through hazing. Others use a range of different methods very far away from being showered with gifts. Whatever it is going to be for this guy, it's no joke & he needs to be prepared with some serious backbone to face whatever that challenge might be. That's something that actives will be looking for in the rush process, and excessive questions about hazing MAY put that in question. It would for me.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by dnall

I'm going to refuse to comment on the personal stuff, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Like I said...if you don't want people to pick it up...don't put it on the street. (ETA: LOL at the fact that I quoted the relatively benign quote, and you went back and dug your hole some more.)

Originally Posted by dnall

It's like 200 in her chapter, pledge class I think close to 60. They had Wed night pledge class socials that she had late class and an 8am so didn't go to about half of those, but did try very very hard to get to know her pledge sisters. She was a couple years older then them, having transferred, and had trouble relating to a bunch of snooty 18yo girls versus some of the older actives (maybe that sounds ironic given the above info, or maybe it doesn't I don't know).

I get that her new member educator epically sucked by that chapter's standards, and that the chapter in question is weak in that area compared to presumably every other sorority on campus. But that's how it worked out. Now she's back & forth between wanting to drop and loving it.

I'm betting that if a guy pledging your fraternity said these things, you would say "stop with the excuses. If you're not committed to this fraternity, the door is that way." But because it's a girl, she should get a pass? No.

Originally Posted by dnall

I don't know. I don't care anymore. None of this was the point. Only that a shitty pledge program makes for a horrible greek experience.

Again, excuses. Your Greek experience is what you make of it. If you want to keep blaming it on "my pledge mom didn't make sure everyone knew me" or "my pledge mom was lazy" or "my pledge mom was a bitch" - well, why not go further. Say your Greek experience is horrible because the shirt you got on bid day didn't fit, or the cheesecake you got at pref didn't have a strawberry on it and everyone else's did.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Say your Greek experience is horrible because the shirt you got on bid day didn't fit, or the cheesecake you got at pref didn't have a strawberry on it and everyone else's did.

I let out a guffaw.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by dnall

I'm a couple years younger than that (I may have rounded up a couple years elsewhere) & she's a couple years older than you're giving her credit for, but you should still be ashamed of yourselves. I wouldn't come on here smacking someone else around over a fresh break up. That's just evil. Especially since it wasn't caused for a lack of love, friendship, or ability to relate, but because of people like yall giving each of us constant shit. If this was an interracial relationship between people of the same age you'd call people giving them crap bad people, but you try to insert yourself into our relationship without even knowing either one of us or how we felt about each other. That's fucked up. I don't care what you think it looks like on the surface. You don't think it bothered us when we figured out the age difference? It did, but love is bigger than that bullshit, or at least I thought it was. But that's it. I'm not commenting on it further, and if you want to keep talking about it then you're fucked up people.

As someone in an interracial age gap (more than 15 years) marriage, let me be the first to tell you that anything that happened between you and your lovely is completely on y'all. Nothing anyone outside of the relationship says has any bearing, whatsoever, on the success of the relationship.

You didn't end the relationship because of "constant shit." You ended it, because it wasn't a good relationship.

[DrPhil]

What the shit are you all typing about?

[knight_shadow]

About dnall, in all his long-windedness

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

What the shit are you all typing about?

Me? Or did someone delete a post?

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

Me? Or did someone delete a post?

Everyone. LOL. The thread became about dnall.

[LadyLonghorn]

Originally Posted by dnall

I'm a couple years younger than that (I may have rounded up a couple years elsewhere) & she's a couple years older than you're giving her credit for, but you should still be ashamed of yourselves. I wouldn't come on here smacking someone else around over a fresh break up. That's just evil. Especially since it wasn't caused for a lack of love, friendship, or ability to relate, but because of people like yall giving each of us constant shit. If this was an interracial relationship between people of the same age you'd call people giving them crap bad people, but you try to insert yourself into our relationship without even knowing either one of us or how we felt about each other. That's fucked up. I don't care what you think it looks like on the surface. You don't think it bothered us when we figured out the age difference? It did, but love is bigger than that bullshit, or at least I thought it was. But that's it. I'm not commenting on it further, and if you want to keep talking about it then you're fucked up people.


It's like 200 in her chapter, pledge class I think close to 60. They had Wed night pledge class socials that she had late class and an 8am so didn't go to about half of those, but did try very very hard to get to know her pledge sisters. She was a couple years older then them, having transferred, and had trouble relating to a bunch of snooty 18yo girls versus some of the older actives (maybe that sounds ironic given the above info, or maybe it doesn't I don't know).

I get that her new member educator epically sucked by that chapter's standards, and that the chapter in question is weak in that area compared to presumably every other sorority on campus. But that's how it worked out. Now she's back & forth between wanting to drop and loving it.

I don't know. I don't care anymore. None of this was the point. Only that a shitty pledge program makes for a horrible greek experience. For guys at least it needs to be hard. Some chapters achieve that through hazing. Others use a range of different methods very far away from being showered with gifts. Whatever it is going to be for this guy, it's no joke & he needs to be prepared with some serious backbone to face whatever that challenge might be. That's something that actives will be looking for in the rush process, and excessive questions about hazing MAY put that in question. It would for me.

You're blaming everyone else for your breakup? Of course. You and your ex were just like some kind of modern Capulet and Montegue. Those big meanies outside your relationships dis-troyed yew! Or maybe she just was done having some old dude gossiping on the internet about the chapters at her school.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by LadyLonghorn

You're blaming everyone else for your breakup? Of course. You and your ex were just like some kind of modern Capulet and Montegue. Those big meanies outside your relationships dis-troyed yew! Or maybe she just was done having some old dude gossiping on the internet about the chapters at her school.

I'm still playing Angela Lansbury over here and trying to figure out the whole story. This is happening in Austin at UT, and she joined when she was older and transferred, or transferred in? She's older than we think? She's still thinking about dropping?

It all blows my mind that this 200 person chapter is too big, and she can't get to know her sisters, but in other posts the SEC is worshiped as the ideal. Aren't the chapters just as large or larger in the SEC?

This mystery brought me back to GC. I had been entertained by a 25 year old guy on an online poker forum choosing to move into his van and signing up for online dating sites, using 24 fitness to shower and working at a Borders, but this has picked up more than Uncle Rico acting out a Kenny Rogers song in a rapist van around Seattle.

[dnall]

I like the SEC in terms of history & also a lot of fraternity chapters but that's not restricted to SEC, not so much sororities, which are large also.

Honestly 70-115ish is solid for any greek org. You have enough money to operate at a high level, but you also have few enough people to be close to them & avoid too much cliqueiness as long as you really stay on top of it.

Disclaimer: Seriously, no offense to chapters bigger or smaller than that, I'm just stating an opinion.

Disclaimer2: why are disclaimers necessary?

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

As someone in an interracial age gap (more than 15 years) marriage, let me be the first to tell you that anything that happened between you and your lovely is completely on y'all. Nothing anyone outside of the relationship says has any bearing, whatsoever, on the success of the relationship.

You didn't end the relationship because of "constant shit." You ended it, because it wasn't a good relationship.

Of course there's more to it then that. I'm far from imperfect, but she had some issues about the age thing beyond just the age thing between us & beyond the constant shit from outside, that compounded with some family stressors to put it beyond dealing with anymore. It's a painful situation for both of us, and ultimately about a huge laundry list of things, the vast majority of which were less about our direct one-on-one relationship than... well just other outside things.

In any case, I appreciate the understanding. I'm quite confident though that GC is not the place to go for therapy.