Getting Married Young- Why?

[DrPhil]

<<After adding the necessary "in the old days" and "in other cultures" disclaimers>>

I exist in a subculture where the "right" time is after you've graduated from college and typically after you also have a graduate degree (or two). This has race, socioeconomic status, and gender correlates. How we were socialized and the timing is based on the process of what WE consider to becoming a more complete person. For us, being a more complete person includes having CHOICES. You can CHOOSE to be a stay-at-home parent/housewife/househusband but you don't NEED to be one due to dependency. In general, I don't believe in having to say "I wish I had" or "I wish I/we could." That's also why threads like "what do you WISH you did for a living" are very interesting to me but particularly if people had to put their dreams on hold for relationship or family. My family, friends, and I believe in accomplishing your goals and dreams before getting married and continuing to accomplish. If not, you could end up pissed as hell and resentful.

As you said, it's ultimately based on a person's own timing and the couple's specific dynamics. I only have one friend who got married early 20s. The rest of us, late 20s and 30s.

[Munchkin03]

I was convinced I was going to marry the guy I was seeing during my sophomore year in college. Most of us thought that we were going to marry our college sweethearts; ALL of us have moved on to the guy after that and the guy after that one. While it clearly happens, it's not as common as everyone thinks. Of the weddings I've attended in the past 3 years, only one was a couple who started dating while one of them was in college (they met the end of her senior year; he was a few years older). Even then, she went to graduate school and worked for while before they got married. The only other really successful college sweetheart marriages I know of, the couple knew each other in high school.

Some circles promote earlier marriage more than others. Frankly speaking, I think NPC/NIC Greek Life may put "pressure" on people to talk about seriously pairing up younger than the GDI population. There are mixers and candlelightings--who wants to be left out of that? Add to that regional correlates and stigmas about co-habitation, and you have the clear fact that a sorority girl from the South is much more likely to be married at 24 than an independent or NPHC woman who went to college on the East or West coasts.

The right age? Honestly, I think it's when you have an education and are somewhat established in your career. That could be 25 (probably not younger). That could be 35. I don't agree with getting married and starting a family before you can support yourself. Husbands can beat, cheat, and die--you never know when you might be on your own.

Personally, I don't intend on working after I have kids, but I know that I HAVE to work, I can pull a damned good salary and can take care of a family if it comes down to that. A 23 year old with an art history degree who married the first guy she dated in college doesn't have that same insurance. I hope I don't sound bitter--I'm just old enough now to see people my age getting divorced! Maybe those divorces could have been prevented if they had just waited a minute.

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

How we were socialized and the timing is based on the process of what WE consider to becoming a more complete person. For us, being a more complete person includes having CHOICES.

Different strokes for different folks..

In my little "world" people don't get married until after college and landing a career, or at least a steady job. I can only think of a few people in my social circle back home who got married in the 21-24 age range, for most it was/is between the ages of 25-30. I considered the latter normal. When I moved to TX I noticed a lot of young married couples (same as when I was in the military) as well as the funny glance my way when people found out that I was 27 and had never married with no children. They thought it was weird I was 27 and unmarried, and I thought it weird that someone in this day and age would want to get married at 19. Even now at 29, only half of my peers from high school or college are married (thx facebook).

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

You can CHOOSE to be a stay-at-home parent/housewife/househusband but you don't NEED to be one due to dependency. In general, I don't believe in having to say "I wish I had" or "I wish I/we could." That's also why threads like "what do you WISH you did for a living" are very interesting to me but particularly if people had to put their dreams on hold for relationship or family. My family, friends, and I believe in accomplishing your goals and dreams before getting married and continuing to accomplish. If not, you could end up pissed as hell and resentful.

I tend to agree with this.

Back when I was dating a military guy, I hung out with a few of the other guy's girlfriends. They were all married by 22/23 (some of them had been married since HS graduation). They got married early and had kids early. Since their military spouse was making all the money (not a whole lot though), they were mostly Stay At Home Moms who work part-time at Target/CVS/etc. to help hubby pay bills. Not all of them were happy/ok with that, either.

Sometimes, when we talked, they'd open up a little about their lives. One of the main things they said was "You're so lucky that you're going to college and probably going to grad school. If I had it to do all over again, I would have waited to get married and pursued my dreams. Now I have to wait for my kids to get older."

I always thought it was bizarre that one would have all these dreams and pitch them so early in life for a guy (especially when some of them had only been dating the guy for like a year tops). Then turn around and complain about it.

You may as well do what you want/need to do/accomplish before marriage, then you won't have to worry about it. For some, that's graduating from college, others want to to finish Med school, etc. Whatever it is for you.