Sorority pledge misbehavior

[musicmom]

My daughter pledged this year at one of the big SEC schools . Evidently the party girls in her pledge class are defying the actives, and partying (with alcohol) outside of organized swaps and have been caught several times. My daughter is tired of the group punishment and being yelled at every week by the president and pledge trainer. She and her friends are not part of this group. I've been able to talk her into staying so far, but may not in the long haul. Her chapter has a great reputation on campus, and I understand they want to keep it that way, but my daughter is unhappy with the mood in the house.
Her pledge social chair is intentionally antagonizing the chapter president. Are chapters not able to de-pledge girls that are risk management issues?

[kddani]

This is none of your business - it is the chapter (and national org's) business to deal with. You have no idea what is going on internally with the actives to handle this, nor does your daughter. A lot goes on beyond the scenes that new members never see or hear about.

Let them handle it.

And if your daughter is so unhappy, why are you encouraging her to stay in it?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by kddani

This is none of your business -

And if your daughter is so unhappy, why are you encouraging her to stay in it?

Truth.

Vicariousness.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by kddani

And if your daughter is so unhappy, why are you encouraging her to stay in it?

Splash, perhaps you missed this earlier comment of mine.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by musicmom

My daughter pledged this year at one of the big SEC schools . Evidently the party girls in her pledge class are defying the actives, and partying (with alcohol) outside of organized swaps and have been caught several times. My daughter is tired of the group punishment and being yelled at every week by the president and pledge trainer. She and her friends are not part of this group. I've been able to talk her into staying so far, but may not in the long haul. Her chapter has a great reputation on campus, and I understand they want to keep it that way, but my daughter is unhappy with the mood in the house.
Her pledge social chair is intentionally antagonizing the chapter president. Are chapters not able to de-pledge girls that are risk management issues?

Forgot to QFP

[DrPhil]

It is definitely none of musicmom's business.

[KSUViolet06]

Chapters have their own system for dealing with such issues.

However, it is for the chapter to handle. Not for parents to be concerned with.

If I knew that my mother were on a message board discussing what went on in my chapter, I'd be mortified to say the least.

[Splash]

It's her business if she's paying for it.

[AlphaFrog]

NO

Originally Posted by Splash

It's her business if she's paying for it.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by Splash

It's her business if she's paying for it.

Not really. Maybe it's her business between her and her daughter, but she has no privity with the chapter itself. The chapter doesn't answer to her.

Shame on the daughter for sharing this crap with her mom.

Though it also wouldn't be the first time where the daughter wasn't being entirely truthful to her mom, and the daughter was herself one of the troublemakers.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Splash

It's her business if she's paying for it.

My dad paid my dues and such and still didn't make what was going on in the chapter his business. So, no.

I also didn't make it a point to share everything going on in the chapter with him, either.

[33girl]

There are threads that make you laughsnort before you even open them, just from the title. This is such a thread.

Unless the sorority is attempting to enforce a dry pledgeship - which has been recognized as hazing since the 1970s - and unless the girls are wearing their letters and representing their getting together as a sorority event, the sorority really can't do squat. Just because you pledge a sorority does not mean they can control every minute of your day. I think the real issue here is that there's a division in the pledge class.

And yes, I realize these girls can be punished for drinking underage - but if that occurs, then every pledge AND sister that drinks underage needs to have the same punishment.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Splash

The fact of the matter is, since it's her money (if she is in fact paying), if she doesn't like what's going on, she can stop paying in 2 seconds.

Of course she can. But that doesn't equal the right to stick her own nose in chapter business, which is what people are criticizing here.

If mom stops paying, then daughter can decide if and how to pay for it herself.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by 33girl

There are threads that make you laughsnort before you even open them, just from the title. This is such a thread.

Unless the sorority is attempting to enforce a dry pledgeship - which has been recognized as hazing since the 1970s - and unless the girls are wearing their letters and representing their getting together as a sorority event, the sorority really can't do squat. Just because you pledge a sorority does not mean they can control every minute of your day. I think the real issue here is that there's a division in the pledge class.

And yes, I realize these girls can be punished for drinking underage - but if that occurs, then every pledge AND sister that drinks underage needs to have the same punishment.

First, to the OP, this truly is something your daughter needs to handle since there really isn't anything you as her mother can do about it. I would suggest that she and her group of friends request a meeting with the president or standards officer and take it from there.

As to paying for it=privy to it...my parents paid for my membership, but my mother never asked for information on internal affairs (probably because she is Greek and knows better). I believe they have a right to know what they're paying for and would have been glad to show my parents the breakdown of dues and where the money went. But that's it.

A dry pledgeship is hazing unless every sister, both new member and active, is held to those standards and somehow I doubt they are unless it is something required by nationals. However something my mother told me before I joined was that sororities do have some amount of control over your life. You can be sanctioned or expelled for bad/illegal behavior. If Active Amy is drinking underage at her apartment with one other sister who isn't going to tell on her and Nancy New Member is underage, dancing on stage at the bar with a beer in hand, it's going to be Nancy who finds herself in trouble. Fair or not. Discretion is key.

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

I think it's a matter of "my daughter shouldn't be punished for something that someone else did".

It happens all the time. In elementary school, someone throws a spitball, but the whole class gets in trouble. On sports teams, someone screws up a play, and the whole team has to do laps. In high school, three people steal a copy of the test and the entire class has to re-take it. You work in a restaurant where you pool tips (all tips are collected and divided), and one sucky worker who gets rotten tips ends up reducing each person's portion.

It happens everywhere. There's a reason and a purpose. Can you - Splash or OP - not see that?

That doesn't make it right. No one said life is fair, but I do not believe in treating an entire group badly for the mistakes of one or two members. I would have had a problem with it as a new member were I in this girl's situation. On the other hand, I would have gotten a few girls who agreed with me and gone to an officer to talk about my concerns.

[AOEforme]

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

That doesn't make it right. No one said life is fair, but I do not believe in treating an entire group badly for the mistakes of one or two members. I would have had a problem with it as a new member were I in this girl's situation. On the other hand, I would have gotten a few girls who agreed with me and gone to an officer to talk about my concerns.

I totally agree that it doesn't make it right, but that's how life is. Right now, I'm in medical school and when one student in our class screws up (not preparing for case studies, leaving the lab messy, etc.) our entire class pays for one person's mistake.

It isn't ideal nor is it "right" but it's how the "real world" is.

I do agree that musicmom's daughter has every reason to be irritated if she really is innocent. I am sure, however, she simply complained to her mom in passing and didn't expect her to actually attempt to DO anything about it.

After all, I have complained to my mother, just in conversation, about things both in my chapter and currently, in medical school. I would have been beyond mortified if my mother had decided to take those simple pieces of conversation and post them on a message board for all the world to see.