Daughter had unhappy High School experience, should she not mention this during Rush?

[im5am]

Her school is under the list "Up for Debate" on recs. It is one of the Pac10 schools with a great recruitment website. It states that recs are welcomed but not required. We know a lot of greek alumni, and she is even a legacy but aside from the 6 she already has, they would all be duplicates!!! She doesn't want to go through recruitment bombarding these same sororities with too many recs for the same house!! We are out of state so when I called to get info on other specifics, I asked about the recs and they said that they really are not a big deal at this school so not to worry about having one for every house. I do thank you for the advice on putting her experience in a positive light. That is exactly what I was trying to tell her but she kept saying she doesn't want to lie about her feelings. I told her it was the same as if she were going through a job interview, even if she absolutely hated her prior workplace, she wouldn't exactly tell that to her possible new employer. I guess its all about growing up and learning how to play the game of life but she looks at it like being phony!! Hard to argue with a 17 year old!

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by im5am

It is one of the Pac10 schools with a great recruitment website. It states that recs are welcomed but not required.

Again:

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Co-sign on the recs - the University is required to tell you that they are not mandatory...even when they are. If she's read GC like you say she has, she should know that. It comes up in about every other rush thread.

ETA: Don't mean to come off sassy, just stressing the importance of understanding this.

[ISUKappa]

Originally Posted by im5am

Her school is under the list "Up for Debate" on recs. It is one of the Pac10 schools with a great recruitment website. It states that recs are welcomed but not required. We know a lot of greek alumni, and she is even a legacy but aside from the 6 she already has, they would all be duplicates!!! She doesn't want to go through recruitment bombarding these same sororities with too many recs for the same house!! We are out of state so when I called to get info on other specifics, I asked about the recs and they said that they really are not a big deal at this school so not to worry about having one for every house. I do thank you for the advice on putting her experience in a positive light. That is exactly what I was trying to tell her but she kept saying she doesn't want to lie about her feelings. I told her it was the same as if she were going through a job interview, even if she absolutely hated her prior workplace, she wouldn't exactly tell that to her possible new employer. I guess its all about growing up and learning how to play the game of life but she looks at it like being phony!! Hard to argue with a 17 year old!

Tell her it's not lying, it's called being tactful. Big difference. (Though I know it's hard to tell a 17yo that, especially when you're her parent.)

I think even having two, and possibly three, recs for a chapter isn't necessarily a bad thing. But when chapters are getting 7,8,9 recs on one girl then it seems overkill (at some schools anyway). Think of having two people lined up to write a rec for a chapter as insurance - if one doesn't get it sent off then you still have the other as a backup.

[DTD Alum]

Although I'm a fraternity member so technically this is a lane swerve, the larger theme behind this thread is essentially "first impressions" which we are all familiar with. I wouldn't talk about a bad high school experience. I think that the question is unlikely to come up in the first place, and I definitely wouldn't bring it into the question.

First impressions should be about positivity. I'm not saying she should lie, but I think stating that you had a bad time in high school a) would sound negative and b) might invite the thought that: "Oh, this PNM was shy and boring in high school by her own admission, and that means she's going to be shy and boring in Delta Delta Fabulous. On to the next one." Obviously that's not what your daughter will be trying to say, but it could be interpreted as that. Back when I was in college (which wasn't that long ago), that's pretty much how I would have interpreted a rushee saying that to me.

[MaggieXi]

I'll reiterate what everyone else has says: The Greek Life office HAS to tell you that recs aren't necessary.
If you want to give your daughter a little more of an edge, especially because she is shy, you may want to reconsider and get more recs.

Now slight thread derail: If all the Panhellenics and Greek Life offices say "Recs aren't necessary", and then girls are released from recruitment from houses they don't have recs to - how many irate phone calls do those offices receive from angry moms?

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

I'll reiterate what everyone else has says: The Greek Life office HAS to tell you that recs aren't necessary.
If you want to give your daughter a little more of an edge, especially because she is shy, you may want to reconsider and get more recs.

Now slight thread derail: If all the Panhellenics and Greek Life offices say "Recs aren't necessary", and then girls are released from recruitment from houses they don't have recs to - how many irate phone calls do those offices receive from angry moms?

There's no way to know WHY they were released. And if the number of students w/o recs ever actually hit a majority, then the chapters would end up adjusting their invite lists accordingly.

[ASTalumna06]

I would agree that she should NOT speak negatively about her high school experience.

I think it's completely inappropriate to talk about negative/sad/disappointing/over-bearing/pushy/inappropriate/frustrating experiences and/or wants and needs when you first meet someone.

There was a guy who used to work at my company and the second he met someone he would start talking about how his wife is battling cancer. Not necessary at this stage in the game. I would always listen over my cubicle to these conversations (it was kind of hard not to!) and I could just tell how uncomfortable the other person was.

When you start to get to know someone, the conversation should be light and fun. Compare it to a first date. Would you start talking about your ex, and how awful he was to you? How you didn't get along, and how miserable you were? Would you talk about how much you really want to get married, and how many children you want to have someday? Would you talk about your crazy uncle, and how he almost shot your dog one day because he was so drunk?

I sure hope not.

We all have personal baggage, but you don't want to dump it on someone the first time you meet them (or the second.. or third... or tenth time, in some cases).