Daughter had unhappy High School experience, should she not mention this during Rush?
 

So my daughter & I have been lurking around here and find all the posts, comments and stickies very informative. She will be an incoming freshman at a fairly competitive school (according to your lists) and we were discussing what to say/not to say during Rush. She didn't have the most ideallic High School experience, to say the least. She got great grades, 3.7u/w 4.0 weighted, NHS, CSF, 4 years community service club, 3 years volleyball and over 400 hours Hospital volunteer. She also worked last year and is working this year as a camp counselor at our country club. The problem is that she is very shy so she didn't do a lot of dating or going to parties, proms etc... Was never asked out on a date, even though she is very pretty, tall and thin. Came to find out that some guys thought she was a little stuck up, mistaking her shyness. So our discussion comes from this dilemma..If asked she wants to be honest about how miserable she thought High School was and I think she might come across as being a negative person. She says she doesn't want to "sugar coat" her experiences but that the reason she is going through Rush is to start over and meet new and exciting people who have more in common with her. Sorry, so long, just trying to word it so it comes out right. She has about 6 recs from very good alumni's out of the 16 houses. (Her University claims that recs are not necessary so she is not pursuing anymore). The question I guess we are asking, is how honest should she be if the subject of High School comes up? What would be a tactful yet truthful way to answer any questions regarding her experiences?

I'll let the ladies answer the rest, but if the school is listed on here as competitive, she NEEDS recs, regardless of what the school might say.

Personally, if asked, I would take her negative experience and try to spin it in a positive light! Something like, "I felt as if I didn't take enough risks with expanding beyond my social circle in high school, but over the summer I have tried to connect more with other incoming freshmen and come out of my shell. I am really excited for the opportunity to meet and learn from other amazing women in my future sorority."

In any situation in life, you always make a better impression when your comments are positive rather than negative. Her message ought to be that she is excited to start fresh and meet new people who have lots in common with her. No other back story is necessary until she becomes good friends with someone. Projecting that message will serve her well no matter who she's meeting at school (dorm mates, professors, employers).

I rushed as a sophomore, but I don't remember high school social status coming up in conversation. Activities and interests, but I was never asked (nor did I as a rusher ask) how the PNM liked high school.


Co-sign on the recs - the University is required to tell you that they are not mandatory...even when they are. If she's read GC like you say she has, she should know that. It comes up in about every other rush thread.

Her school is under the list "Up for Debate" on recs. It is one of the Pac10 schools with a great recruitment website. It states that recs are welcomed but not required. We know a lot of greek alumni, and she is even a legacy but aside from the 6 she already has, they would all be duplicates!!! She doesn't want to go through recruitment bombarding these same sororities with too many recs for the same house!! We are out of state so when I called to get info on other specifics, I asked about the recs and they said that they really are not a big deal at this school so not to worry about having one for every house. I do thank you for the advice on putting her experience in a positive light. That is exactly what I was trying to tell her but she kept saying she doesn't want to lie about her feelings. I told her it was the same as if she were going through a job interview, even if she absolutely hated her prior workplace, she wouldn't exactly tell that to her possible new employer. I guess its all about growing up and learning how to play the game of life but she looks at it like being phony!! Hard to argue with a 17 year old!

Again:

ETA: Don't mean to come off sassy, just stressing the importance of understanding this.

Tell her it's not lying, it's called being tactful. Big difference. :D (Though I know it's hard to tell a 17yo that, especially when you're her parent.)

I think even having two, and possibly three, recs for a chapter isn't necessarily a bad thing. But when chapters are getting 7,8,9 recs on one girl then it seems overkill (at some schools anyway). Think of having two people lined up to write a rec for a chapter as insurance - if one doesn't get it sent off then you still have the other as a backup.

Although I'm a fraternity member so technically this is a lane swerve, the larger theme behind this thread is essentially "first impressions" which we are all familiar with. I wouldn't talk about a bad high school experience. I think that the question is unlikely to come up in the first place, and I definitely wouldn't bring it into the question.

First impressions should be about positivity. I'm not saying she should lie, but I think stating that you had a bad time in high school a) would sound negative and b) might invite the thought that: "Oh, this PNM was shy and boring in high school by her own admission, and that means she's going to be shy and boring in Delta Delta Fabulous. On to the next one." Obviously that's not what your daughter will be trying to say, but it could be interpreted as that. Back when I was in college (which wasn't that long ago), that's pretty much how I would have interpreted a rushee saying that to me.

I'll reiterate what everyone else has says: The Greek Life office HAS to tell you that recs aren't necessary.
If you want to give your daughter a little more of an edge, especially because she is shy, you may want to reconsider and get more recs.

Now slight thread derail: If all the Panhellenics and Greek Life offices say "Recs aren't necessary", and then girls are released from recruitment from houses they don't have recs to - how many irate phone calls do those offices receive from angry moms?

I would agree that she should NOT speak negatively about her high school experience.

I think it's completely inappropriate to talk about negative/sad/disappointing/over-bearing/pushy/inappropriate/frustrating experiences and/or wants and needs when you first meet someone.

There was a guy who used to work at my company and the second he met someone he would start talking about how his wife is battling cancer. Not necessary at this stage in the game. I would always listen over my cubicle to these conversations (it was kind of hard not to!) and I could just tell how uncomfortable the other person was.

When you start to get to know someone, the conversation should be light and fun. Compare it to a first date. Would you start talking about your ex, and how awful he was to you? How you didn't get along, and how miserable you were? Would you talk about how much you really want to get married, and how many children you want to have someday? Would you talk about your crazy uncle, and how he almost shot your dog one day because he was so drunk?

I sure hope not.

We all have personal baggage, but you don't want to dump it on someone the first time you meet them (or the second.. or third... or tenth time, in some cases).

FWIW, it has been my experience that conversations in rush often focus on things like HS activities and goals in college (e.g. "I'm planning on majoring in ____ or participating in ____") instead of whether someone's HS experience was "miserable." And she (ideally) shouldn't really have to address questions about whether she went on a lot of dates or was asked to a lot of dances; most sorority women know to stay away from the topic of boys during rush.

That said, if she is asked about her high school experience, I would agree with others who said to emphasize the positive aspects and focus on how excited she is for college. I don't think there's much value to be added by being negative.

And...I agree with what others have said about recs.

Sorority members aren't supposed to bring up the three B's: boys, booze, and Bible. I doubt that dating and partying are even going to come up. Honestly, I can't remember a single recruitment conversation that focused on a past experience. It's more about finding a connection in this new chapter of your life. Of course, she can bring in stories from the activities she enjoyed and her volunteer work, but I say don't stress about it! Just look forward to what the next four years will bring!

If this is such an important issue for you and you have both been lurking here, I don't get why it's mommy asking the question here. I think you should let her be herself and do what she wants in recruitment. That's the only way she's going to end up in the right house for her. If she's painfully shy, she's going to have a tough time in a chapter full if extroverts.