Exes and Friends

Little32 · #1 05-26-2010, 10:03 PM

I searched, but I didn't see a thread like this so...

I am watching an episode of SATC where Miranda dates one of Carrie's exes, and I started to wonder how different folks handle that. Miranda asks Carrie's permission before she goes out with the guy.

Among my close friends, it has always been an unwritten rule that exes are off limits. Of course, in the face of undeniable and unending love, I would be ok with it--as long as I got a heads up.

So the question is, how do you and your friends deal with the issue of exes? Are they off limits? Is permission required? Do you care at all?

DrPhil · #2 05-26-2010, 10:09 PM

"Ex" denotes relationship.

Past relationships were off limits.

Casual dating situations that were not actual relationships (that means whatever people want it to mean) were not off limits unless someone "calls dibs" because they don't want double dipping.

KSUViolet06 · #3 05-26-2010, 10:12 PM

If you were exclusive and had a title, I'll leave him alone.

However, I refuse to avoid the the nice gentleman who showed interest in me because (example) he drunkenly kissed you once freshman year.

Little32 · #4 05-26-2010, 10:13 PM

Yes, in my circles that means someone that one of group has had a relationship with, not just "casual dating."

KSUViolet06 · #5 05-26-2010, 10:22 PM

To add to my above point, I think some women pull the "he's off limits" thing far too often for guys that they weren't ever actually seeing exclusively.

Example: He is not off limits because you guys hooked up (whatever you want that to mean) last year after a party once.

He's not off limits because you went on 2 dates.

He's not off limits because he TALKED to you once at a bar.

You get the idea.

Kappamd · #6 05-26-2010, 10:39 PM

I just had an ex-boyfriend (from a legitimate 2-year relationship, lol) marry one of my dear friends from HS.

No, they didn't ask permission when they started dating, and yes, it pissed me off initially (still does a little) because they went about it behind my back for a long time. I probably wouldn't have been nearly as annoyed if I had just gotten a little heads up from the beginning.

Anyways, they're happy, I'm happy in my relationship; I eventually decided it just wasn't worth the energy to hold a grudge and got over it. Unfortunately, I was still friends with the both of them when they started dating, and our friendships haven't been the same since.

Pirouette · #7 05-26-2010, 10:49 PM

My friends and my rule of thumb is if he is a real ex (from a relationship that had a title and lasted months/years) then he is off limits. Even if you've moved on and your over him. It's not worth bringing-up old memories or making things awkward.

I'm getting married in a month, but if one of my friends started dating an ex-boyfriend of mine, things still would be pretty awkward whenever we would run into each other or talk. I'd be happy they're happy, but it still would be awkward.

ASTalumna06 · #8 05-26-2010, 11:43 PM

If one of my friends was in a serious relationship with someone, I assume they're off limits and don't even try.

However, I don't really care if anyone dates my exes. If you're happy, I'm happy for you. Who am I to tell someone that they can't go out with a guy if they truly like him?

One of my (sorority) sisters started dating one of my exes (no she didn't ask permission.. and I don't care), and I'm not even sure how I heard about the whole thing, actually. Maybe she told me, maybe someone else did. It obviously isn't important to me. They've been together for 3 years now. I would feel horrible if, knowing what I do now, I had become upset with her and demanded that she not date him.

I'm happy right now, and I know she is, too. I see them on occasion, and it's never weird or awkward. But I don't get weird/awkward about many things, and I'm friends with most of my exes.

And if any of my other friends date one of my exes, I hope they're happier with them than I was.

christiangirl · #9 05-27-2010, 12:00 AM

It depends on the circle.

I been in circles of friends where people sort of "rotated" among each other. We were all so close that, if it didn't work out with one friend, it was perfectly acceptable to end up with another. I can think of 3 circles/cliques that did this and am in one now. However, I've been in circles where this was absolutely forbidden. It honestly depended on what was mutually acceptable within that particular group. I never dated friends' exes--I usually date men I meet outside of my friends.

jennyj87 · #10 05-27-2010, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

It depends on the circle.

I been in circles of friends where people sort of "rotated" among each other. We were all so close that, if it didn't work out with one friend, it was perfectly acceptable to end up with another. I can think of 3 circles/cliques that did this and am in one now. However, I've been in circles where this was absolutely forbidden. It honestly depended on what was mutually acceptable within that particular group. I never dated friends' exes--I usually date men I meet outside of my friends.

It honestly freaks me out a little when this happens. There was a group of about 8 people who I knew in HS who did this. Doesn't it get wicked awkward??

Little32 · #11 05-27-2010, 12:38 PM

^^To me, it seems incestuous. Like on those shows where the group of friends has basically all slept with each other. >P

VandalSquirrel · #12 05-27-2010, 03:58 PM

I can't imagine any of my friends wanting to date anyone I've dated since our tastes, both of my friends and my guys, are all so different. Now that isn't to say I haven't had a skanky friend and a guy hook up, but neither wanted a relationship. The few guys I've been serious with have had some issues that make a healthy relationship with anyone impossible, but I'm still friends with most of the guys, so my girlfriends aren't interested in a relationship doomed to fail.

purpleparrot · #13 05-27-2010, 04:29 PM

In all my relationships, my best friends have heard every detail of what goes on, good and bad. As for the ones that have ended, I could never ever date the guys my best friends have dated. My best friend's ex treated her like shit and still does, and my best friends have heard all the obnoxious things my ex did, so there is no desire for any of of them to ever date my ex or me to date their exes. If we had dated casually it would have been different (my ex is a boy that my best friend "talked to" for maybe a month in high school then decided she didn't like him), but when you spend a year or two with someone, they become like a brother to your best friends, someone they could never dream of dating, and they just hear way too much about them to ever want to date them.

As far as acquaintances and sorority sisters I'm not that close with, I would probably stay away from guys that were in serious relationships with an acquaintance. If they casually dated (not exclusively) or hooked up once, I don't see a problem there. It drives me nuts when girls think that every single girl they know should stay away from a certain guy because they hooked up at a party one night. One girl in my sorority flipped on another girl for making out with a guy that "she saw first and thought was cute", which the other girl hadn't even known....That's just ridiculous.

KSigkid · #14 05-29-2010, 10:34 PM

They were off-limits in college. I haven't really seen the issue with my work friends or law school friends.

Alumiyum · #15 06-08-2010, 03:36 PM

I went to a really small school, and the Greek community was even smaller. It would've been just about impossible for anyone to avoid dating a sister's/brother's ex, but the only times scandals arose were when the new contender didn't give a heads up to the ex. I can think of many, many cases where that caused ill feelings.

My rule in general, because of the small school I went to, was that "real" ex's (an actual boyfriend of a friend/sister in an actual relationship lasting more than a couple of weeks) were off limits, period. But because we were mostly sticking with a small dating pool both I and sisters/friends "dated" boys that had "dated" one of us previously.

I've genuinely never gotten my feelings hurt when a guy I was "talking to" or very casually dating moved on to a friend of mine, or if a sister set her sights on a guy in that category. But with two guys that I seriously dated (a year and a half each) I had friends/sisters get involved with them later, with no warning (and in most cases, very rigorous attempts to hide it)...this always either pissed me off BADLY or hurt my feelings.

Ask before exes, I say. It avoids so much trouble.