American Torry-Ann Hansen SENDS BACK Adopted Russian Son Artem

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Dang...this is sad and worse yet starting to sound like a "Don't Adopt from Russia" case.

Which brings up the question: Why aren't we adopting kids in the US?

Because people want their kids to be at least one or preferably both of these things:
1. White
2. Babies

Not to mention if the kid's mom is from somewhere in Russia there's not a whole heck of a big chance that she'll show up somewhere down the line. I think with the new era of open adoptions this is a bigger worry for adoptive parents than it used to be. I am NOT against open adoption at all, and I think all adoptees should be able to see their records at least for medical purposes, but I can totally see where if you've been through all the IVFs and other disappointments, you don't want to worry about birth mom from 2 states over showing up. Even if you do an old-fashioned closed adoption, I think some of the uneasiness still applies.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Because people want their kids to be at least one or preferably both of these things:
1. White
2. Babies

Not to mention if the kid's mom is from somewhere in Russia there's not a whole heck of a big chance that she'll show up somewhere down the line. I think with the new era of open adoptions this is a bigger worry for adoptive parents than it used to be. I am NOT against open adoption at all, and I think all adoptees should be able to see their records at least for medical purposes, but I can totally see where if you've been through all the IVFs and other disappointments, you don't want to worry about birth mom from 2 states over showing up. Even if you do an old-fashioned closed adoption, I think some of the uneasiness still applies.

One of my best friends adopted a child from Romania, after being told that in California, the definition of a healthy white baby was one who was "only" addicted to crack.

They signed the papers to adopt two sisters, born 11 months apart. They had all of the US paperwork done when they landed in Romania - where they discovered that four other American couples had also adopted these sisters! But not to worry, none of them could adopt the sisters anyhow, as they had found their mother. Can we say bait and switch? So, each couple adopted another Romanian baby. None of these babies had ever had anything to eat but orange juice or cold milk, and lived in cribs with gated tops - even the one my friends adopted, who was two and a half.

Fast forward eight years, when I was visiting. This absolutely beautiful child was found to be so developmentally challenged that she will never be capable of living alone. Those first few years are so important, and they were basically thrown away. She now bags groceries.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Because people want their kids to be at least one or preferably both of these things:
1. White
2. Babies

So sad...so true. Adopitng a child from the U.S. has been on my heart a long time. When I'm in the position the do so it will be one of the first things I look into to see if it is realistic for me. I wish others would look into stepping up to the challenge as well. White babies aren't the only type of children that need love. Everyone does!

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by BabyPiNK_FL

So sad...so true. Adopitng a child from the U.S. has been on my heart a long time. When I'm in the position the do so it will be one of the first things I look into to see if it is realistic for me. I wish others would look into stepping up to the challenge as well. White babies aren't the only type of children that need love. Everyone does!

While I totally agree with what 33girl said, there is also an ugly other side. There is also a big backlash against white couples adopting black children. Many AA feel that white parents will rob them of their black heritage, of course, I see their point, but at what cost will preserving their heritage rob them of a family?

[BabyPiNK_FL]

^^ Whomever will give them loving homes regardless of race is fine with me personally. Race can become a big issue for the children as they grow, but not enough of a problem that I would be opposed to black-interracial adoptions. I just think that the parents should be understanding and willing to do what is necessary to help the child remain aware of issues it will face as a minority in the U.S. because unfortunately to be black is to be "other" at least some of the time. Also, if you adopt a black daughter, you simply must get schooled on the hair situation, it can get really sensitive. There is a wonderful article/video about a white man who learned to comb his daughter's hair (she is from Africa), he's better at it than my MOM! He can do zig zag corn rows, everything! And her hair is done regularly!

I often wonder about all of the children adopted from Asia and how this may be an issue for them. I only see articles regarding black children so I don't know anything other than the glimpses I may get from Carnation on here from time to time. From what I can guess it doesn't appear to be as much of an issue, but that's just a hunch since I don't experience anything addressing it. I also get a glimpse of interracial adoption from a friend who was adopted into a white family from Latin America, but she deals with it very well in my opinion, although she deals with it rather frequently.

ETA: Thank you for sharing Carnation. I believe what you have experienced to be true for most. Most children in interractial adoptions for lack of a better word "assimilate" very well into their families and communities.

[carnation]

When we knew we'd be adopting Asian children, we threw ourselves into preparing. We got adult and children's books about the countries, got to know even more people from their countries...we were the poster children for preparing for intercountry adoption. The children came to us as infants.

Once they got to be about 4 years old, all that preparation went down the toilet. They did not want to go to Atlanta for Japan-America Society picnics. They didn't care for the Filipino food at Phil-Am picnics here. Carrying the flags of their countries in parades was not going to happen. In many ways they let us know they were all-American!

We have dozens of friends who adopted from overseas and every one of them got the same reaction from their kids that we did- more or less, "okayourculturesaregreat, now can we have a hamburger?" Baby Berry and Baby Berry Cousin are so funny..you just don't expect those drawls to come from those beautiful faces, plus they're major country music fans.

One of our teenagers is from Central America, although she was born here in town. There are lots of kids from her birthparents' country at her school and she said that they can't seem to understand that she can't converse in Spanish, only say a few phrases, and they keep trying as though the language will spring to her lips!

I don't regret all the prep work we did. Maybe someday they'll be interested in their heritages but so far, they've been too busy "living life" to care much.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Because people want their kids to be at least one or preferably both of these things:
1. White
2. Babies

Not to mention if the kid's mom is from somewhere in Russia there's not a whole heck of a big chance that she'll show up somewhere down the line. I think with the new era of open adoptions this is a bigger worry for adoptive parents than it used to be. I am NOT against open adoption at all, and I think all adoptees should be able to see their records at least for medical purposes, but I can totally see where if you've been through all the IVFs and other disappointments, you don't want to worry about birth mom from 2 states over showing up. Even if you do an old-fashioned closed adoption, I think some of the uneasiness still applies.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

While I totally agree with what 33girl said, there is also an ugly other side. There is also a big backlash against white couples adopting black children. Many AA feel that white parents will rob them of their black heritage, of course, I see their point, but at what cost will preserving their heritage rob them of a family?

My best friend and her husband, and my future sister in law and her husband, have been trying to adopt in the U.S. for more than two years. Both couples went through all of the classes mandated by their adoption agencies, home visits and everything. And they have waited, and waited, and waited and waited for their profile to be chosen by some mom giving up her baby or young child. They have NOT limited their search to only white children or only babies. They both even went through the steps to be certified as foster homes because they're open to adopting kids that way. Nevertheless, they have not been selected by any mothers, and only one of them has even fostered a couple of kids, and that was only for a few days.

What AOII Angel said is true. My friends and future sister/brother in law have not been chosen, according to the adoption agencies, probably because they are white couples and the childen so frequently being given up for adoption or who are new to foster care are minorities. Both couples have wonderful families, are college educated, employed and would offer a very stable home, so it's not like they're ill-fit to adopt. The prejudice that they're facing is that they aren't the same race as the child and they speculate that it is even possible that they are being discriminated against because they are too...successful. So for couples who DO want to adopt in this country, it is much harder than what media, government and nonprofits would have you believe.

[carnation]

PeppyGPhiB, you are so right. For years we've sought to adopt just once more since so many of ours have graduated and gone on to college. We got a study and decided to ask for a sib group. Month after month we would make it to the 'finals' of the adoption selection meetings for various groups but then not get chosen.

I finally called a worker I'd gotten to know and asked what it was about us that was causing us not to be chosen. He said, and I still can't believe this: "Some of the workers are concerned that your kids have been too successful in academics and activities and they wonder if you'd resent adoptive children who might not be able to match that."

So there you are, folks. We see signs everywhere begging people (especially bilingual ones like us) to adopt or foster but we're being punished for our kids' success! I asked the worker if we should start tearing up our children's homework or refusing to let them try out for any more teams and then reapply (jk) but he's on our side and he encouraged us to keep applying.

We should know in 3 days if we were successful this time. Please pray for us, everybody.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

Originally Posted by carnation

I finally called a worker I'd gotten to know and asked what it was about us that was causing us not to be chosen. He said, and I still can't believe this: "Some of the workers are concerned that your kids have been too successful in academics and activities and they wonder if you'd resent adoptive children who might not be able to match that."

We should know in 3 days if we were successful this time. Please pray for us, everybody.

FAIL on the first portion. I can't believe some of the excuses people try to get by on. Perhaps they should commend you for the standard of excellence you maintain in your home and the encouragement you provide for your children instead? No?

Second portion: GOOD LUCK! FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

And they have waited, and waited, and waited and waited for their profile to be chosen by some mom giving up her baby or young child.

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

[RaggedyAnn]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

One of the reasons we decided to wait on trying to adopt is that open adoptions are very popular right now...right down to the fact that some mothers want to have the ability to call the house if they are having a bad day. When Andy and I heard that, we decided that we may not be ready for the adoption route yet. Adoption through fostering may still be an option for us, but we haven't decided yet because that brings a whole set of risks with it.

[carnation]

They do exist; it depends on the agency and some of them give the birthparents a choice of open, semi-open, or closed. I've seen prospective adoptive parent profiles that omit their names and other identifying information. Also, not all agencies allow the birthparents to look through profiles.

We've known 2 of our birthmothers. The one here in town knew of us ahead of time and she and her kids moved away when the baby was a year old. We've been in touch with one of our overseas birthmothers since our daughter was born, exchanging yearly letters, and this year a couple of her children friended us on Facebook.

Originally Posted by 33girl

Say what now?

Do completely closed (i.e., parent surrenders baby to adoption agency and that's the last they know of it) adoptions not exist anymore? Or did they just not want to do it that way?

Thank you, BabyPink; we do appreciate your support! I also suggested to the worker that we could have our kids run out and knock over a few banks and then might we be able to adopt again?

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

While I totally agree with what 33girl said, there is also an ugly other side. There is also a big backlash against white couples adopting black children. Many AA feel that white parents will rob them of their black heritage, of course, I see their point, but at what cost will preserving their heritage rob them of a family?

I don't understand this because it seems to me, especially for minority children adopted from another country, the adoptive parents have spent so much time and money researching and preparing that I find it unlikely they'd ignore their child's cultural heritage.

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

While I totally agree with what 33girl said, there is also an ugly other side. There is also a big backlash against white couples adopting black children. Many AA feel that white parents will rob them of their black heritage, of course, I see their point, but at what cost will preserving their heritage rob them of a family?

The thing is people seem to forget that there are many Black families out there that wish to adopt.

And also, while agencies will often let white couples adopt Black children, it is rare that they allow Black families to adopt White children.
I personally don't much care for white couples adopting Black children because I do feel that there are culture issues. But I feel that way in general. Prime example was one of my former students who was Navajo. She was adopted by a white woman when she was 3. She is now 19 and she knows absolutely NOTHING about Navajo traditions and culture. NOTHING. It broke my heart to see that because I felt that while she got a good home, she was still being robbed of the opportunity to explore her heritage. Her mother's excuse was that she didn't know anything about the Navajo culture and so she figured that the child would just be okay without knowing it.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

I personally don't much care for white couples adopting Black children because I do feel that there are culture issues. But I feel that way in general. Prime example was one of my former students who was Navajo. She was adopted by a white woman when she was 3. She is now 19 and she knows absolutely NOTHING about Navajo traditions and culture. NOTHING. It broke my heart to see that because I felt that while she got a good home, she was still being robbed of the opportunity to explore her heritage. Her mother's excuse was that she didn't know anything about the Navajo culture and so she figured that the child would just be okay without knowing it.

I would think a 19 year old could investigate the Navajo (or any other) culture on her own, if she so wanted to. So could a 12 year old with a computer, for that matter. She was hardly "robbed" of something she can go out and get. It's not the same as growing up with it, but growing up with it through books isn't the same either. What was the mother supposed to do? Send her to a reservation for the summer?

Like carnation said, sometimes the kids just flat out do not care. I was tested and found to be "gifted" and my mother often said that she worried that she hadn't exposed me to classical music, opera, "higher" culture, etc...the fact of the matter was, the few times they dragged the gifted class to things like that, we would have rather gone shopping or something.

Should you try to teach the kids about it? Yes, but there also comes a time where you need to stop blaming your parents (bio or adopted) and do what you need to do on your own.