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Why share this story now? And why are you sharing it with us?
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To be honest, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea. But it was sparked by my own recent reflection on the last 10 years of my life and things that have happened and what I've learned. And having recognized and remembered this had happened, I recognized how far I've come in a lot of personal struggles. I have nothing to lose or gain in telling you all about those details that are more personal. However, I've never had a hard time sharing things like that with anyone, as I've always been an incredibly honest person.
It was a reflection on, I don't know if I'd call them mistakes, but choices I made where the outcome wasn't quite what I had expected. I'm a completely different person now, and having remembered my experience, I remembered how much I admired those girls that had such a commitment to and organization and each other. I was a little disappointed that I would never understand what truly brings them together as that is the experience I neglected to have.
Given all that happened, if it happened the same exact way I would likely make the same choices. In this silly reflection, I began just in boredom searching desperately to try to understand the concept of what they all had together that even though I was close with them, I wouldn't share that common experience. In my travels I stubbled upon the forum and began reading all these stories of the recruitment of other girls and the PNM's and I just felt like, I kind of owe it to the girls I was friendly with and other girls who may become part of any of these organizations, to share an honest, very personal and bittersweet account of what I experienced.
Although I recognize that some of you may or may not have been offended by my candor. I believe I stated up front, but I'll repeat it again, it was never the intent to insult, belittle, or defame any individual or organization. However, I know there are those people who respect and value honesty the way I do, and I'm sure you all know that just because you don't particularly see eye to eye with someone doesn't mean you don't respect them.
I doubt the girls I knew well or were even acquainted with will ever know, nor may they ever fully appreciate how much I respect all of those women, even the ones I didn't warm to, for their commitment to an organization and each other, one which I will never come to understand quite like they do.
I made my point with myself, call it a "peace" with myself and I'm proud of that.
I think the funny thing is...I thought, perhaps naively, this would go over much differently than it did. Based on all your reactions, which honestly I really didn't expect, it now brings up questions which I really want to ask. I would never do that. I didn't think I was really crossing any boundaries or lines by being honest. And so I won't cross those lines either, mostly for respect for my friends and for the continued respect of your organizations.
I guess I didn't suppose what I was saying was as sensitive as it seems. Some of the suspicion seems a little strange to me to be frank, because I mean, what to I have to gain other than "closure". But maybe the supsicion is rooted in part from the unspoken shared understanding that I'll never come to fully get to experience or understand myself.
Much love and good wishes to all of you girls and I still have nothing but respect and admiration.
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