Yet another recruitment disappointment...

[bookworm84]

Originally Posted by sadpnm

Okay, so I'm going through recruitment right now... just finished the second night.

Like at most schools, mine has a struggling, not as popular chapter. I decided (because I stalked GC all summer) to give them a shot and not listen to all of the not so good things that people were saying about them and, surprise of all surprises, I LOVED my time there. I met four girls who were all so cute and sweet and we had amazing conversations and I really felt like I belonged. So I ranked them first.

I got my schedule tonight and was happy to find that I had a full schedule and had only been dropped by one sorority... until I realized that the one that had dropped me had been my favorite. From what I could tell (and I talked to a LOT of girls) I was the only one that had not been invited back.

I'm so upset about it. I actually think it hurts more than if I had been dropped by a top group, because with a really popular sorority there could have been a lot of reasons, like I may have fallen through the cracks or just not ranked high enough. With this sorority, I know it's something personal and I can't figure out what I did wrong... I really thought they liked me

I guess I'm not really looking for advice because I know none of you can tell me what went wrong, but I need to vent and have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my mom because she doesn't understand because she's not greek. I tried to talk to my friend in my rho gamma group, but all she said was that I'm lucky I didn't have to go back there. And yes, she was invited back and not happy at all about it.

I went to my parties and had a good time, but I just feel so hurt and want to know what I did. Why they didn't like me as much as I liked them

Thanks for giving me a space to complain... have you ever heard of this happening to a girl?

I had a similar experience at the college I go to and it is tearing me up inside.After the first day,my rho gamma called me to say that no chapter invited me back.It REALLY hurt me.I was depressed for days and I still am in some ways.I don't why some sororities pick some girls and some don't and I'm starting to think there are some inconsistencies in the whole formal recruitment process.It's ironic the one thing girls want to get into so badly,they can't get into.I still want to get into a sorority somehow but it still hurts all the same not really knowing why none of the chapters I visited called me back.I hope you find what you're looking for.Good luck with whatever you choose to do!!

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

I had a similar experience at the college I go to and it is tearing me up inside.After the first day,my rho gamma called me to say that no chapter invited me back.It REALLY hurt me.I was depressed for days and I still am in some ways.I don't why some sororities pick some girls and some don't and I'm starting to think there are some inconsistencies in the whole formal recruitment process.It's ironic the one thing girls want to get into so badly,they can't get into.I still want to get into a sorority somehow but it still hurts all the same not really knowing why none of the chapters I visited called me back.I hope you find what you're looking for.Good luck with whatever you choose to do!!

Some ideas:

Is your GPA low?
Are you not involved with anything on campus?
Was your appearance not polished?
Are you a non-freshman?
Are you a transfer?
Are you shy/were your conversational skills poor? Did your conversations not reveal much about yourself?
Do you have any enemies in any chapters?
Did you not have recs (if you are at a school where recs are important)?

[bookworm84]

[QUOTE=violetpretty;1859594]Some ideas:

Is your GPA low? yes,but I plan on bringing it up
Are you not involved with anything on campus?not yet
Was your appearance not polished?no
Are you a non-freshman?no
Are you a transfer?yes
Are you shy/were your conversational skills poor?a little bit Did your conversations not reveal much about yourself?no
Do you have any enemies in any chapters?no
Did you not have recs (if you are at a school where recs are important)? no
I'm not trying to sound mean about this whole process,but nobody really told me why I got cut after my first day.I'm just saying that the sorority chapters need to look at their guidelines and see if anything needs to be changed.I have Asperger's Syndrome,a high functioning form of autism and I was hoping to get into a sorority to improve my social skills.I just thought these sororities would be a little more open minded about having someone like me in their chapter.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

Some ideas:


I'm not trying to sound mean about this whole process,but nobody really told me why I got cut after my first day.I'm just saying that the sorority chapters need to look at their guidelines and see if anything needs to be changed.I have Asperger's Syndrome,a high functioning form of autism and I was hoping to get into a sorority to improve my social skills.I just thought these sororities would be a little more open minded about having someone like me in their chapter.

I'm sorry that you're upset.

However, the reason no one told you why you were cut is because the selection process and criteria of each sorority is private. So, those who know why you were cut are unable to tell you why.

There are many avenues for developing your social skills other than sororities. I am sure that there are plenty of student organizations on campus for you to get involved in. I have a professor whose daughter has Aspberger's. She participates in Model UN and a few other groups at her college.

[Blue Skies]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

Is your GPA low? yes,but I plan on bringing it up

Well, none of us can tell you for sure, but this particular issue raises the biggest red flag to me. Sororities place a high premium on scholarship. There are many times when individual chapters set a higher bar for GPA than the minimum set for PNM's to enter recruitment.

Don't worry about feeling deficient in social skills. I was very shy in high school, and one of my goals in college was to improve my own social skills. I think this happens more often than you would think. You learn by doing, so start getting involved with college clubs and going to parties. At parties, practice walking up to friendly-looking students (male and female.) Smile, look that person in the eye and say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so, what's your name?" Then ask them conventional questions about their hometowns, major, interests, etc. to get the ball rolling. If you are at a party at someone's house, ask, "How do you know our host/hostess?"

Work hard on improving your grades, get involved, have fun, and by all means give recruitment another try if you feel up to it. Remember that some girls shine better during informal recruitment, if your school offers that option. Good luck to you!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

I'm not trying to sound mean about this whole process,but nobody really told me why I got cut after my first day.I'm just saying that the sorority chapters need to look at their guidelines and see if anything needs to be changed.I have Asperger's Syndrome,a high functioning form of autism and I was hoping to get into a sorority to improve my social skills.I just thought these sororities would be a little more open minded about having someone like me in their chapter.

Sororities are NOT looking for someone who wants to get something from them - i.e. a tool to help them improve their social skills - they are looking for someone who will GIVE to the group. Your Asperger's syndrome is irrelevant as far as that's concerned - anyone else who said "I want to join a sorority because I suck at interacting with men" or something of the like would receive a similar response from me. If you want to improve your social skills, try a Dale Carnegie course or something else where you can get more concrete instruction on what you're doing wrong.

Saying that the sororities need to change to suit you does not win you any points, and if you're carrying that attitude into rush you will not receive a bid.

Also, as BC mentioned, if your GPA fell below what the sororities require locally and/or nationally, they may have been REQUIRED to cut you and it has zero to do with any interactions you had. Even if you met the GPA requirement that Panhellenic had for women to rush, it may have fallen below what the chapters required. (Yes this is a stupid concept, but that's another thread.)

[kddani]

If you go to a campus with more than say 3 or 4 chapters, and you were cut from every single house on the first day - it was 95% likely that it was solely because of your grades.

[Zillini]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

Is your GPA low? yes,but I plan on bringing it up

Everybody plans on bringing up their GPA. Not everybody does.

Originally Posted by kddani

If you go to a campus with more than say 3 or 4 chapters, and you were cut from every single house on the first day - it was 95% likely that it was solely because of your grades.

This.

[bookworm84]

[QUOTE=Zillini;1859881]Everybody plans on bringing up their GPA. Not everybody does.


I will bring my GPA and I making sure I work extra hard to get that GPA up so I can go through formal recruitment for the winter quarter.I don't need assumptions from people who know nothing about me and my low GPA.If people on this forum want to throw "mud" at me,then that will get you nowhere and you will end up making yourself look bad.Let's see how you feel then.

[bookworm84]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Sororities are NOT looking for someone who wants to get something from them - i.e. a tool to help them improve their social skills - they are looking for someone who will GIVE to the group. Your Asperger's syndrome is irrelevant as far as that's concerned - anyone else who said "I want to join a sorority because I suck at interacting with men" or something of the like would receive a similar response from me. If you want to improve your social skills, try a Dale Carnegie course or something else where you can get more concrete instruction on what you're doing wrong.

Saying that the sororities need to change to suit you does not win you any points, and if you're carrying that attitude into rush you will not receive a bid.

Also, as BC mentioned, if your GPA fell below what the sororities require locally and/or nationally, they may have been REQUIRED to cut you and it has zero to do with any interactions you had. Even if you met the GPA requirement that Panhellenic had for women to rush, it may have fallen below what the chapters required. (Yes this is a stupid concept, but that's another thread.)

I'm not looking for sympathy on this forum.I am new to my college campus and I really haven't had a chance to see what other organizations are on the campus besides sororities.This is the kind of reaction that I was afraid that would happen.If you walked in my shoes,you would not be saying those mean,hurtful things to me.My disability is difficult enough trying to navigate my everyday life but if there are girls in sororities that act like this,then I don't want to be part of a system that will not accept people like myself because we are "different". I am slower in learning and my GPA is low because the college I transferred from,I didn't finish a class and that lowered my grade quite a bit.Before anyone goes judging people who are different like myself,trying being in my shoes for a day and you'll see how difficult it is to be social and find friends.I have had this problem my entire life and I am getting sick and tired of people telling to take a different avenue to improve my social skills.If you have a problem with me being "different",then that attitude needs to change.I will not be bullied by people who think that they have the right to tell me what else I can do to improve my social skills.That is what my parents are for and they are a lot less judgmental than you are.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

I'm not looking for sympathy on this forum.I am new to my college campus and I really haven't had a chance to see what other organizations are on the campus besides sororities.This is the kind of reaction that I was afraid that would happen.If you walked in my shoes,you would not be saying those mean,hurtful things to me.My disability is difficult enough trying to navigate my everyday life but if there are girls in sororities that act like this,then I don't want to be part of a system that will not accept people like myself because we are "different". I am slower in learning and my GPA is low because the college I transferred from,I didn't finish a class and that lowered my grade quite a bit.Before anyone goes judging people who are different like myself,trying being in my shoes for a day and you'll see how difficult it is to be social and find friends.I have had this problem my entire life and I am getting sick and tired of people telling to take a different avenue to improve my social skills.If you have a problem with me being "different",then that attitude needs to change.I will not be bullied by people who think that they have the right to tell me what else I can do to improve my social skills.That is what my parents are for and they are a lot less judgmental than you are.

No one here is saying that they have a "problem" with you.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by bookworm84

I'm not looking for sympathy on this forum.I am new to my college campus and I really haven't had a chance to see what other organizations are on the campus besides sororities.This is the kind of reaction that I was afraid that would happen.If you walked in my shoes,you would not be saying those mean,hurtful things to me.My disability is difficult enough trying to navigate my everyday life but if there are girls in sororities that act like this,then I don't want to be part of a system that will not accept people like myself because we are "different". I am slower in learning and my GPA is low because the college I transferred from,I didn't finish a class and that lowered my grade quite a bit.Before anyone goes judging people who are different like myself,trying being in my shoes for a day and you'll see how difficult it is to be social and find friends.I have had this problem my entire life and I am getting sick and tired of people telling to take a different avenue to improve my social skills.If you have a problem with me being "different",then that attitude needs to change.I will not be bullied by people who think that they have the right to tell me what else I can do to improve my social skills.That is what my parents are for and they are a lot less judgmental than you are.

I have no problem with you being different. I have a huge problem with you saying that the sorority rush system needs to change because of it, and with you saying you want to use a sorority as a tool to improve your social skills (although I'm hoping you don't mean it quite like that, that is how it came out).

As another poster stated, for better or worse, much of formal sorority rush is based on first impressions formed very quickly. That's just the way it is. If you don't do well in that sort of environment, you are going to have problems in sorority rush - and there are lots of people who don't have Asperger's who also aren't great at first impressions that go through the same thing.

Like many posters said, the GPA thing is something sororities just aren't allowed to budge on. Even if the most perfect person in the world goes through rush, if the minimum required is 2.9 and she only has a 2.4, she won't receive a bid. Those rules can't be changed for you just because you have a disability.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

If you want to improve your social skills, try a Dale Carnegie course or something else where you can get more concrete instruction on what you're doing wrong.

Originally Posted by Blue Skies

At parties, practice walking up to friendly-looking students (male and female.) Smile, look that person in the eye and say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so, what's your name?" Then ask them conventional questions about their hometowns, major, interests, etc. to get the ball rolling. If you are at a party at someone's house, ask, "How do you know our host/hostess?"

I know I'm lane swerving here, but, oh well . . .

As the father of a kid with Asperger's, I can tell you that these kinds of suggestion are great for someone who is shy or simply socially uncomfortable or inept. For someone with Asperger's, not so much at all.

It's not just a matter of "concrete instruction what you're doing wrong," or "getting the ball rolling"; it's about learning a completely new way to communicate. The best description I have heard is that it's like being dropped into a foreign country where you don't speak the language, even though everyone assumes you do and talks around you as if you do. You have to learn what facial expressions and body language mean, what social cues mean, how to interpret non-literal language (sarcasm, irony, figures of speech) or voice inflections. And saying "look that person in the eye" is so much easier said than done. For some people with Asperger's that is incredibly uncomfortable and difficult; it's one of the most common traits of Asperger's.

bookworm84, I'm sorry your recuitment experience didn't turn out they way you hoped. For what it's worth, I didn't read your posts as expecting the system to change for you, as showing any kind of chip on your shoulder or entitlement-queen approach, or as using Asperger's as a crutch. I read your posts as trying to understand what happened and as experiencing recruitment as just the latest instance of trying to find a place you fit in and grow, only to be rejected because you're not what others consider "normal." I understand that even if that's not the actual reason things didn't work out, it probably has happened enough times before that it can be hard to see things any other way. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to try to help my son understand that others were not making fun of him but rather that he was misinterpreting what they were saying.)

As others have said, no one here can tell you why you were cut after the first day for two reasons: (1) No one here was there and (2) membership selection is private. But as others have also said, it very could well be grades. Even if you're planning to bring them up, sororities have a minimum, and they cannot pledge someone whose grades fall below that minimum. It's the rule.

Good luck. I hope you find places at college -- maybe including a sorority, if that works out later on -- where you feel comfortable and at home.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I know I'm lane swerving here, but, oh well . . .

As the father of a kid with Asperger's, I can tell you that these kinds of suggestion are great for someone who is shy or simply socially uncomfortable or inept. For someone with Asperger's, not so much at all.

It's not just a matter of "concrete instruction what you're doing wrong," or "getting the ball rolling"; it's about learning a completely new way to communicate. The best description I have heard is that it's like being dropped into a foreign country where you don't speak the language, even though everyone assumes you do and talks around you as if you do. You have to learn what facial expressions and body language mean, what social cues mean, how to interpret non-literal language (sarcasm, irony, figures of speech) or voice inflections. And saying "look that person in the eye" is so much easier said than done. For some people with Asperger's that is incredibly uncomfortable and difficult; it's one of the most common traits of Asperger's.

bookworm84, I'm sorry your recuitment experience didn't turn out they way you hoped. For what it's worth, I didn't read your posts as expecting the system to change for you, as showing any kind of chip on your shoulder or entitlement-queen approach, or as using Asperger's as a crutch. I read your posts as trying to understand what happened and as experiencing recruitment as just the latest instance of trying to find a place you fit in and grow, only to be rejected because you're not what others consider "normal." I understand that even if that's not the actual reason things didn't work out, it probably has happened enough times before that it can be hard to see things any other way. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to try to help my son understand that others were not making fun of him but rather that he was misinterpreting what they were saying.)

As others have said, no one here can tell you why you were cut after the first day for two reasons: (1) No one here was there and (2) membership selection is private. But as others have also said, it very could well be grades. Even if you're planning to bring them up, sororities have a minimum, and they cannot pledge someone whose grades fall below that minimum. It's the rule.

Good luck. I hope you find places at college -- maybe including a sorority, if that works out later on -- where you feel comfortable and at home.

MysticCat...Thanks for the lane swerve. I think you have some invaluable experience from the Asperger's point of view. Of course we don't know what happened, but we can infer that the issue was multifaceted.

Bookworm, formal recruitment can be difficult for people with a good understanding of social cues. It's that much more difficult when your grades are not up to par. I encourage you to work on your grades. If you really want to make greek life part of yours, meet some sisters. Get to know them one on one. There may be other ways to join a sorority on your campus that don't require you to make such quick impressions that would put you at a disadvantage. Unfortunately, sorority recruitment can be heartless when you aren't known except as the sorta strange girl. Because you have Asperger's, you may be at a disadvantage going in if you don't have a prior relationship to show them who you are underneath the first impression. Good luck getting your grades up and trying again if that's what you want to do.