The Single's Bucket List

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

When you're single, you can crash on a friend's couch when you go visit them. A group of friends can kip in on one hotel room.

This can also happen when you're married and it can also NOT happen if you're single, depending on your circumstances.

I think a lot of this has to do with what people have going on in their lives and is not about being single versus married.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

I, personally, think it's easier to just pack up your stuff and leave one day for an indefinite amount of time in Europe, Asia, Canada, where ever you want to go-as a single person.

Provided (1) you can afford it and (2) you have a job where they don't care if you just all of a sudden pack up your stuff and leave the country indefinitely. Good luck with that.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I think a lot of this has to do with what people have going on in their lives and is not about being single versus married.

Exactly. As a married father reading through this, I keep wondering why would being married in and of itself (or even being a parent, in and of itself) keep you from doing the things you really want to do?

You make choices in life, and if there's something you want to do that matters, you figure out how to make it happen. "But I can't because I'm married" sounds like an excuse to me. (Well, except for the obvious "can't/won't do that because I'm married" things. )

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Exactly. As a married father reading through this, I keep wondering why would being married in and of itself (or even being a parent, in and of itself) keep you from doing the things you really want to do?

As for me and my "before kids" list, there are a couple things hubby and I want(ed) to do that are dangerous enough that we don't feel like it's fair to our kids for us to do them. For instance, we've always wanted to go skydiving. While that's probably technically safe enough (after all, there are numerous safety measures in place), we're just afraid of the risk. We wouldn't have that fear if it were just the two of us.

[VandalSquirrel]

I don't even have a "bucket list" perhaps because I hate the term, but sure there are things I want to do, but having a ceremony and a marriage license doesn't change that. Even having a spouse, kids, house, if I wanted to do something I'd make it happen, and I doubt I'd get into a relationship where I felt limited in doing things I wanted to do (or get out of one if it became an issue).

I've already done a lot of crazy stuff, which I guess is the positive of not getting married in, or right after college.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I can't speak to the "being married" part anymore, but I can speak to the parent part. I'm very limited as to what I can do because of my kids, but it is still my choice for right now. What I want to do right now is be around so that my teens know I'm keeping tabs on them. With kids, I have to own a home big enough for them to live in, even if I'd prefer a one bedroom condo with no lawn mowing and snow blowing required. With kids, I have to live within 100 miles of my ex-husband AND be able to get them to school every day that they are in my custody because the court says so. With a 50-50 custody arrangement, you're pretty limited and restricted to remaining in a certain geographic area. I choose to be limited as to how much I can date/be in a relationship because I choose to keep that part of my life completely and totally separate from my kids. I'm looking for a partner for me, not a dad for them and I'm not comfortable with them going through relationship ups and downs along with me, so I won't involve them. I also am much more limited financially while supporting two kids than I would be if it was "just me".

But, once that youngest is in college, I'm moving to Atlanta to be with the man who I have wanted to be with for the last 9 years. That's the bucket list, post-parenthood

I'm counting the days for you! Good luck!

But just to play devil's advocate, is this really a bucket list of what to do before kids? Is this something you wish you'd done before you had kids or is this dealing with what came along after you had kids?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I'm counting the days for you! Good luck!

But just to play devil's advocate, is this really a bucket list of what to do before kids? Is this something you wish you'd done before you had kids or is this dealing with what came along after you had kids?

Only time will tell if that dream will ever become a reality! I've left it in God's hands. If he's truly my soulmate and we're meant to be together, we will be, eventually.

No, it's not a bucket list of things to do before kids. It's just an example of how being a parent can limit you. That definitely came along after I had kids and was divorced.

I did not finish grad school the first time around because I got pregnant though. I did want to get my Masters in Clinical Psychology before kids but didn't because I was simply not capable of working full time, maintaining a household, caring for an infant AND going to grad school. But then, had my ex-husband been more supportive/capable at the time, I may have been able to pull it off. Since I no longer work in that field, I think, ultimately, things work out the way they're supposed to. At the time though, I was pretty upset at the realization that the Masters wasn't going to happen.

But, ultimately, I think you're right. It's not marriage or parenthood specifically that limits you... although who you choose to marry can limit you a lot... and if it does, then you probably married the wrong person! Partners should be able to encourage and support each other in following their dreams, not be a limiting factor. And, I think, family support is a big determining factor in how limited you are as a parent. I have friends who've been able to travel sans kids because the grandparents are able to take the kids for a week here and there. Others don't have that luxury.

Parenthood involves a lot of sacrifices. But, since they are done out of the most intense love you'll ever feel, it doesn't feel bad to make those sacrifices.

[Little32]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I did not finish grad school the first time around because I got pregnant though. I did want to get my Masters in Clinical Psychology before kids but didn't because I was simply not capable of working full time, maintaining a household, caring for an infant AND going to grad school. But then, had my ex-husband been more supportive/capable at the time, I may have been able to pull it off. Since I no longer work in that field, I think, ultimately, things work out the way they're supposed to. At the time though, I was pretty upset at the realization that the Masters wasn't going to happen.

This would be why I wanted to finish the degree first. As it was, the writing process caused some difficulty in many of my relationships, romantic and otherwise.

Not that I would expect that the man that I would marry would not be supportive of me, but I just wanted to have the time to focus completely and selfishly on finishing, so that I wouldn't still be in my program after 7 or 8 years.

Someone else mentioned having her own place. That wasn't so big for me, (though I have done it) but I really strongly urged one of my friends to live by herself before she got married. I really thought that she needed that experience. I am happy that she was able to do that.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Only time will tell if that dream will ever become a reality! I've left it in God's hands. If he's truly my soulmate and we're meant to be together, we will be, eventually. . . .

I meant to respond to this earlier. I agree pretty much with all you said, and I'm pulling for you!

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Exactly. As a married father reading through this, I keep wondering why would being married in and of itself (or even being a parent, in and of itself) keep you from doing the things you really want to do?

You make choices in life, and if there's something you want to do that matters, you figure out how to make it happen. "But I can't because I'm married" sounds like an excuse to me. (Well, except for the obvious "can't/won't do that because I'm married" things. )

I can't speak to the "being married" part anymore, but I can speak to the parent part. I'm very limited as to what I can do because of my kids, but it is still my choice for right now. What I want to do right now is be around so that my teens know I'm keeping tabs on them. With kids, I have to own a home big enough for them to live in, even if I'd prefer a one bedroom condo with no lawn mowing and snow blowing required. With kids, I have to live within 100 miles of my ex-husband AND be able to get them to school every day that they are in my custody because the court says so. With a 50-50 custody arrangement, you're pretty limited and restricted to remaining in a certain geographic area. I choose to be limited as to how much I can date/be in a relationship because I choose to keep that part of my life completely and totally separate from my kids. I'm looking for a partner for me, not a dad for them and I'm not comfortable with them going through relationship ups and downs along with me, so I won't involve them. I also am much more limited financially while supporting two kids than I would be if it was "just me".

But, once that youngest is in college, I'm moving to Atlanta to be with the man who I have wanted to be with for the last 9 years. That's the bucket list, post-parenthood

[AlwaysSAI]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Provided (1) you can afford it and (2) you have a job where they don't care if you just all of a sudden pack up your stuff and leave the country indefinitely. Good luck with that.

As a public school teacher who is awesome at saving money--I don't think I'll really have a problem with that.

As long as I leave after school ends and get back by the first workday, that is....

I did the whole "Europe tour" thing in high school. Hopefully, I'll save for a few more years and have the money to spend a few weeks relaxing in Switzerland.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This can also happen when you're married and it can also NOT happen if you're single, depending on your circumstances.

I think a lot of this has to do with what people have going on in their lives and is not about being single versus married.

Yeah, I guess I was just thinking about the things that were easier for me to do when I was single, compared to when I was living with ex-boy; I was also thinking about where my friends and I are in our lives. No one has room for more than one couch-crashing guest.

I have noticed that now that the kids are gone and retirement is the reality, my parents do all sorts of crazy stuff that's not too dissimilar from what I was doing a few years ago! Money + no obligations = party time, apparently.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Yeah, I guess I was just thinking about the things that were easier for me to do when I was single, compared to when I was living with ex-boy; I was also thinking about where my friends and I are in our lives. No one has room for more than one couch-crashing guest.

Ahhh...therein lies the rub. Almost all of our friends have houses with guest bedrooms. No need to literally crash a couch. You figuratively crash it.

On roadtrips where we stay in hotels without significant others, everyone stays in the same room. Queen beds, pull-out couches, cots, etc.

This won't be a weekly thing nor will people always have the time, energy, and interest in doing these things. But, they aren't impossible to do when you're not single. They are just reserved for homecomings, holiday gatherings, and annual chapter reunions.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This won't be a weekly thing nor will people always have the time, energy, and interest in doing these things. But, they aren't impossible to do when you're not single. They are just reserved for homecomings, holiday gatherings, and annual chapter reunions.

Yeah, my mother does this with "the gals" from time to time. So cute!

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Yeah, my mother does this with "the gals" from time to time. So cute!

The Weekly or Monthly (it depends) Marriage Commandments:

Couples shalt do childless dates.

Couples shalt do childless gatherings with other couples.

Couples shalt do childless and spouseless gatherings with childless and spouseless friends.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

The Weekly or Monthly (it depends) Marriage Commandments:

Couples shalt do childless dates.

Couples shalt do childless gatherings with other couples.

Couples shalt do childless and spouseless gatherings with childless and spouseless friends.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

Amen and Amen.