Recession Proof Dating? Is there such a thing?

[sceniczip]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

As much as I would love to have a husband one day, that sounds really appealing. I have always said that there would be "our" room and "my" room. It could be a study, a sunroom, a walk-in closet, whatever, but I need one enclosed space where I can have me-time. I have always been horrible at sharing and true love probably won't change that.


I love doing free things on dates, so the quality of my recent dates have been awesome. Walking on the beach, watching sunsets over the bay....priceless (literally). I don't think the economy's even really hit me that hard...I'm a student so I was poor before things went south.

lol that's why I like having my horses, I can always go to the barn to escape for some quiet time if I need it BF is allergic to horses so he only comes out for horse shows and during the summer when he can spend the time outside the barn.
On the flip side BF and I have had to compromise because he is a neat freak and I am not by any means so he's learned to live with everything a bit messier and I've learned to keep things cleaner (at least when he comes to visit).

As you so aptly said, we haven't noticed any change in our dating since both of us are poor students it's like the country song (I can't remember which one) "wall street fell but we were so poor that we couldn't tell"

[christiangirl]

^^^Mmmm....a loft full of soft, sweet-smelling hay....horsey noises in the background. I dig.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

As much as I would love to have a husband one day, that sounds really appealing. I have always said that there would be "our" room and "my" room. It could be a study, a sunroom, a walk-in closet, whatever, but I need one enclosed space where I can have me-time. I have always been horrible at sharing and true love probably won't change that.

This is why I insisted on two bedrooms for live-in and me when we were looking for our apartment. We share a bedroom, sure, but the second bedroom is pretty much all mine, I keep clothes in there, I go in there to read, I crash in there on nights where I end up pacing (or on GC) all night and don't want to come in and wake him up mere hours before he has to be up for work.

That might change once we get married and have kids, but I don't think it will. I was spoiled as one of two children. I always had my own room. I liked living in the dorms and then in on campus apartments but once I got the chance to have my own bedroom I took it, no matter how small the space (and seriously in the sorority house my bedroom fit a twin bed, me, and a tiny desk with a tiny computer - my clothes had to go in another room). I don't need it all the time but I do like that I have my own space.

I loved living by myself when I was in grad school.

[AGDee]

I think separate bathrooms is a very good idea too. I can't stand the mess in the bathroom. The whiskers in the sink, the bad "aim" issues, the amount of hair in the shower..ick! We tried to split household duties when we first got married and I asked him to choose which rooms he was going to clean. He picked one of the bathrooms and, since it was the only shower in the house, I had to use the shower, but I used the other bath to do my hair, makeup, and to use the commode most of the time. Several years later, he says to me "We need a new toilet upstairs". And I say "Why? Is it broken?" and he says "It's brown". I blinked, stared and said "Have you tried cleaning it?" I handed him a bottle of bleach and guess what? The toilet was like new again and he still has the same toilet now, 10 years later!

The first weekend that I had to work after we got married (I worked every third weekend then), he called me at work and asked "How do I turn the dryer on?" Yes, 30 years old and had never worked a dryer. He knew how to cook two things, eggs and toast. He called me once at work (again on a weekend) to ask me how to make macaroni and cheese.. Kraft, from a box, because my daughter wanted it for lunch. The whiskers in the sink, stuck to the shaving cream and solidified were so gross. He left doors and drawers open all the time. His dresser was on my side of the bed and he'd leave one drawer open, right at shin level. I went to bed after him so I'd sneak in, trying to be quiet and WHAM, right in the shin. Then he'd get mad cuz I woke him up! I'm a snooze alarm person and a very deep sleeper, but he is not. He would turn the alarm off before I even heard it and I'd wake up way late. I have to say, he has made great strides in the housework and cooking arenas. He had to, since he has the kids every other week. I taught him to cook before I left. He really liked this baked, breaded chicken that I used to make and he makes it regularly now. I never liked it that much, so I don't make it much. A couple years after we got divorced, my daughter said "You should ask daddy how to make his chicken, it's really good" and I said "Who do you think taught him how to make that chicken?" LOL

He does have deep seated issues that prevent him from being capable of the type of emotional intimacy that marriage requires. This came out during marriage counseling. I understand where his issues are, but I can't live with them. Had he made any real effort to work through them, we may have been able to make it. Every time the marriage counselor tried to address them though, he stopped going. A few months later, I'd tell him I was going to file for divorce and he'd beg me to stay, promise to go to counseling again and we'd go again. Then the same thing would happen. He's still searching for something that has to come from within him, but he seeks it externally. He still hasn't worked through those issues. I feel sorry for him because he cannot find his inner peace but at the same time, he's not willing to face the painful things he has to face to find it. Because of his childhood experiences, he never learned the basics of a family being a cooperative unit. In his experience, it is "each man for himself". That simply doesn't work in a marriage and is very hard to see while you're dating because it just doesn't come up in the same ways. In a private session, the counselor explained to me that he is only capable of a certain level of emotional intimacy. When I tried to move in closer, he would back off. When I backed off, he moved in closer, but that same distance was always maintained. When dating, it was an acceptable distance. For marriage, it was not.

We get along surprisingly well for ex-es. He told me months ago that "much to his chagrin", I am probably his best friend. Until money issues related to the kids or his selfishness impacts me or the kids, we can get along fine. Our occasional fights are always about money or his selfishness. I work hard to coach both him and the kids so that their relationships with each other remain good.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by AGDee

The first weekend that I had to work after we got married (I worked every third weekend then), he called me at work and asked "How do I turn the dryer on?" Yes, 30 years old and had never worked a dryer. He knew how to cook two things, eggs and toast. He called me once at work (again on a weekend) to ask me how to make macaroni and cheese.. Kraft, from a box, because my daughter wanted it for lunch. The whiskers in the sink, stuck to the shaving cream and solidified were so gross. He left doors and drawers open all the time. His dresser was on my side of the bed and he'd leave one drawer open, right at shin level. I went to bed after him so I'd sneak in, trying to be quiet and WHAM, right in the shin.

You said he lived at home until he was 30, right? It's not that surprising that he was used to being taken care of, was used to being enabled and didn't know how (or cared) to do things himself.

Seriously, younger ladies, learn this lesson -- if you meet a man who still lives with his momma well into (or past) his 20s, either run or expect to take care of him hand and foot. And moms with boys, please train them to be independent or at least do him (and the future women in his life) the favor of kicking his lazy behind out when he's grown and can take care of himself.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

As much as I would love to have a husband one day, that sounds really appealing. I have always said that there would be "our" room and "my" room. It could be a study, a sunroom, a walk-in closet, whatever, but I need one enclosed space where I can have me-time. I have always been horrible at sharing and true love probably won't change that.

The irony!!! At first my husband's snorting--yeah, snort--kept me up, but now I am so use to it, that if it is not there, I cannot sleep...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I feel sorry for him because he cannot find his inner peace but at the same time, he's not willing to face the painful things he has to face to find it. Because of his childhood experiences, he never learned the basics of a family being a cooperative unit. In his experience, it is "each man for himself". That simply doesn't work in a marriage and is very hard to see while you're dating because it just doesn't come up in the same ways. ...

Our occasional fights are always about money or his selfishness. I work hard to coach both him and the kids so that their relationships with each other remain good.

So, based on your thoughts, what good things is he getting out of staying emotionally distant?

The other question, is coach the right word in this case? Just asking?

As far as the bolded, I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. And guess what, pre-marital counseling is not going have this fleshed out either. It is our characters, values, etc. that we have internally that seems to make the difference. And if 2 personalities clash, collaborative work is not going to happen. Moreover, according to John Gottman, it is also how couples workout their differences and the willingness to find alternatives...

Chit, my husband and I fight, kick and scream. How we solve our problems took my relaxing my hardcore values... This doesn't say anything about your situation. All I am noting is what I chose to do. IMHO, that is what I was willing to negotiate.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

And! These will be the same people who talk about their kids all the time.

I think a lot of it comes down to not having much of a life outside of the relationship. You don't have a lot of other things to talk about; ergo, you talk about the relationship all the time. I have a few friends--single and married--who are guilty of this.

True...if there's nothing else going on in their lives, and they have nothing else to talk about, they'll just focus on talking about each other and the marriage.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So, based on your thoughts, what good things is he getting out of staying emotionally distant?

The other question, is coach the right word in this case? Just asking?

It's supposed to be preventing him from being abandoned but it definitely backfires on him.

Yes, I think coach is the right word. When the kids complain to me (especially about his selfishness), I coach them on what to say to him to let him know that his actions are affecting them. Likewise, I coach him on what to say, especially to our teenage daughter, and how to act with her, reminding him that their relationship could likely define all of her future relationships with men.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

This is why I insisted on two bedrooms for live-in and me when we were looking for our apartment. We share a bedroom, sure, but the second bedroom is pretty much all mine, I keep clothes in there, I go in there to read, I crash in there on nights where I end up pacing (or on GC) all night and don't want to come in and wake him up mere hours before he has to be up for work.

That might change once we get married and have kids, but I don't think it will. I was spoiled as one of two children. I always had my own room. I liked living in the dorms and then in on campus apartments but once I got the chance to have my own bedroom I took it, no matter how small the space (and seriously in the sorority house my bedroom fit a twin bed, me, and a tiny desk with a tiny computer - my clothes had to go in another room). i don't need it all the time but I do like that I have my own space.

I loved living by myself when I was in grad school.

I officially want to be AGZG when I grow up. I might as well since you've lived the story of my life. I absolutely break myself paying for this apartment by myself and it's little more than a cubicle (one-room studio) but it's worth to have this place good and empty when I get here!

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

This is why I insisted on two bedrooms for live-in and me when we were looking for our apartment. We share a bedroom, sure, but the second bedroom is pretty much all mine, I keep clothes in there, I go in there to read, I crash in there on nights where I end up pacing (or on GC) all night and don't want to come in and wake him up mere hours before he has to be up for work.

That might change once we get married and have kids, but I don't think it will. I was spoiled as one of two children. I always had my own room. I liked living in the dorms and then in on campus apartments but once I got the chance to have my own bedroom I took it, no matter how small the space (and seriously in the sorority house my bedroom fit a twin bed, me, and a tiny desk with a tiny computer - my clothes had to go in another room). I don't need it all the time but I do like that I have my own space.

I loved living by myself when I was in grad school.

You and I REALLY might be the same person.

The only time I ever lived with another person was in the sorority house (in a double). Don't get me wrong, I ended up really liking living there, but at times the lack of "my space" was a challenge.

I live in a one bedroom apt right now and I love it (even if paying for all the bills is annoying).

As much as I want to get married and have that kind of relationship with someone, I want to keep my own space.

It's cool that you and your bf have separate areas. It's good that you were smart enough to realize that you need a "personal space" as opposed to being like "OMG we're going to be live-ins so we need to have EVERYTHING together."

[agzg]

SRSLY I love live-in to pieces but that doesn't mean I want to be with him *all* the time. Lately I've been sleeping in the second bedroom because he's been sick. It's not so much so I won't get sick, but more so he can get a few good night's rests without me waking him up so that he rolls over (he only snores when he sleeps on his back).

I really miss my apartment in Pittsburgh. I had three closets, all for me, and one was big enough to fit a twin sized bed in! And my own bedroom and I could pee with the bathroom door open! I know that seems weird but it was just so exciting to be able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. It was a really tiny apartment (the one huge closet was just a fluke) but it was perfect for one person and the only real drawback was the tiny kitchen.

My kitchen is big now, I made sure of that. I like our apartment here too but my apartment in Pgh let in a lot more light - here we're right next to the building next door and most of our windows are on the side.

[MTSUGURL]

My best friends are a married couple that I just got to be friends with right before their wedding. We've known each other for almost 10 years now, and they've been right there with me through every awful relationship and absolutely love the current guy. I've been with them through problems in their marriage and the births of their three boys. They've been invaluable to me in so many ways, although there are times I do have to be with my single friends. There are times that being with the married friends is a little much, and yes, lots of our activities revolve around or at least include the boys, but they've known me as "Aunt Crystal" since they were born and I absolutely love them. We were friends in college and all of our families live in different towns, so we've basically been an extended family to each other. The boyfriend and I see them at least once a week and even kick the friends out for a night alone while we take care of the boys.

Now, I also have another married couple that we're fairly close to that drive me insane because they can't be apart for more than 15 minutes without calling each other constantly. I mean really - do you have to call him or text him every five minutes when we're hanging out?

[AGDee]

I had a heart to heart discussion with a man I've been seeing on and off for the last 9 years (different states, difficult situation) and we are pretty much in agreement on what our ideal relationship would be like (living in but with separate spaces). I may be moving to Atlanta in 5 years