mistreated by my sorority?

APhiAnna · #1 02-07-2009, 10:20 PM

I would also second all the people who have said it's a two way street. Quite honestly, maybe the actives are saying "We loved her during recruitment, but she just sits there during chapter and never makes an effort". They may be obsessing over the new "babies" that come to all the events and make an effort to meet all the new sisters. It could also be true that the girls in your chapter are rude, but I would try calling your temporary bigs and older sisters and planning something yourself. If they were so-so on you because they thought you were uninterested, you could easily become one of the most loved new members.

KSUViolet06 · #2 02-07-2009, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

Quite honestly, maybe the actives are saying "We loved her during recruitment, but she just sits there during chapter and never makes an effort". They may be obsessing over the new "babies" that come to all the events and make an effort to meet all the new sisters.

I TOTALLY AGREE.

If a new member is sitting back, and not really talking to anyone. Most girls will assume she just doesn't want to be bothered.

Active sisters are going to gravitate toward the new members who are making the MOST effort to hang out and be part of the group.

Jimmy Choo · #3 02-07-2009, 10:36 PM

Just my two cents....depending on how big your chapter is they may have no clue who you are. Take the time to re-introduce yourself. Don't take everything as a slight b/c chances are it isn't.

DoctorD · #4 02-07-2009, 10:53 PM

Responding to your post by talking about my own experience:

a turning point for me was when I started making the effort to get to know the sisters. I tend to sit back and absorb what is happening around me rather than jump right in. I remember when I was a "pledge" that I was hanging out with a guy who was pledging a fraternity and I wondered out loud what I should do that evening and he said, "Why don't you go to the sorority house?" And I did - I started going over there whenever I had free time and just hanging out in different girls' rooms. And since I was there, people started asking me to do things - help with homecoming, go get dessert, etc.

My taking the initiative led to officer positions, including chapter president.

When I became a sister-mother, I treated my sister-daughter the way that I wanted to be treated. Don't get me wrong - I am still friends with my sister-mother to this day, but the match was not perfect.

All of this to say - your sorority experience is what YOU make out of it - not the presents that people buy, but the relationships that you forge. Not everyone is super outgoing, many are insecure themselves, and just don't know how to make that first step.

So my advice, fwiw, is to really make an effort to become involved, and then work to treat others in the manner that you would have preferred. You could change the sorority experience for a number of women just by doing so.

Maybe that's not what you thought you were getting into when you joined the sorority, but wow - what a golden opportunity you have right now.

ggforever · #5 02-07-2009, 11:44 PM

It is time to stop being a victim and put forth some effort. If you have a house, there will be some television program that most of the girls will gather to watch on a regular basis. Go over to the house on that night and introduce yourself; then relax and enjoy the show. Stay afterward when the program ends and mingle. If your school has a basketball team, try to join/gather a group of sisters and new members for the game. There are many ways for you to start forging a bond.

There were obviously enough women who wanted you as a sister to extend a bid. However, unless it is a really small chapter, you have met only a small number of sisters. You need to take responsibility here and make sure you go to events, dinners, socials and just casual get-togethers to get to know others in the chapter.

Stop waiting for members to come to you. You have to be approachable. If the recruitment is as competitive as you say, waiting a year may not be an option for you. Your decision will be whether you want to be part of a sisterhood or not.

APhiAnna · #6 02-08-2009, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ggforever

It is time to stop being a victim and put forth some effort. If you have a house, there will be some television program that most of the girls will gather to watch on a regular basis. Go over to the house on that night and introduce yourself; then relax and enjoy the show. Stay afterward when the program ends and mingle.

SO TRUE. Really. For my chapter, Gossip Girl and Lost are HUGE, to the point where it would be impossible for a sister to stop by and have people be like, "What is she doing here?". When I was a pledge, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were THE things to watch, and any pledge that watched them at the house made so many friends just because they had so many members to talk obsessively about those shows with! Get a feel for what those programs are (and believe me, I think it's Gossip Girl for 95% of the chapters of ANY sorority in America right now) and just show up! I promise it won't be awkward and there will be a bunch of sisters watching.

#7 02-08-2009, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

SO TRUE. Really. For my chapter, Gossip Girl and Lost are HUGE, to the point where it would be impossible for a sister to stop by and have people be like, "What is she doing here?". When I was a pledge, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were THE things to watch, and any pledge that watched them at the house made so many friends just because they had so many members to talk obsessively about those shows with! Get a feel for what those programs are (and believe me, I think it's Gossip Girl for 95% of the chapters of ANY sorority in America right now) and just show up! I promise it won't be awkward and there will be a bunch of sisters watching.

When I was in chapter, it was all about Friends and Will and Grace. Those were our bonding TV shows.

ASTalumna06 · #8 02-08-2009, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy Choo

Just my two cents....depending on how big your chapter is they may have no clue who you are. Take the time to re-introduce yourself. Don't take everything as a slight b/c chances are it isn't.

Exactly what I was thinking.

One semester, for personal reasons, I wasn't able to make it to two recruitment events, and one of our new members had only gone to those two events. I went to the first new member ceremony, but I had to leave immediately afterward.

About a week later, I was walking to class and this girl was waving, and I thought she was waving at me, but I wasn't sure. I waved back, but I probably had a look on my face that said "who the hell is this girl?" She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. An hour or so later, I realized she was a new member, and I felt terrible about it. And I come from a very small chapter.

It sounds like you're from a larger chapter. Maybe these girls don't know who you are. Or maybe they were distracted. I know that whenever I walked around campus, I was basically in a daze.. especially if I had a test or presentation to do. Some of my best friends would walk by me and have to yell my name for me to pay attention.

And agreeing with everyone else here... get to know the older sisters, and don't just expect them to come to you. Remember, these girls were friends long before you came along. Not to say that you should all be friends according to new member classes, but randomly inviting new people out doesn't always happen automatically.

You said that the sisters seemed more friendly during recruitment. This seems obvious to me (not that they're not friendly now, but they're not in that, "Oh my god, it's so great to meet you! What's your major? That's awesome!" kind of phase). People say that conversation is hard to come by during recruitment, but a lot of times, I found it more difficult to talk to girls once they became new members. You can't really fall back on those easy questions anymore. Find out what an older sister likes, and try starting a conversation with her from that.

And you like the other new members. Hang out with them! And remember that the next class that comes in will be partially chosen by you. Make friends with them.

And another suggestion: I know of a chapter that has a "welcoming committee" so to speak. It's their responsibility to make the new members feel welcome, to invite them places, and to get them involved and acclimated to the sorority. Maybe next semester you could suggest forming one of these committees within your chapter.

Jimmy Choo · #9 02-08-2009, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

It's hard though because I see sisters and they don't introduce themselves to me or say hi, so it put me in that awkward position of being creepy and knowing them or being the bitch who forgot someones name after 10 introductions.

You have to keep putting yourself out there. It's just the way it is. I advise 200 girls. I've told them I hope to learn all their names but i may not. I still say hi to them every week at chapter and make an effort to get to know them. Heck, I've got over 30 officers and I'm still trying to remember all of them. You have to be confident and just put yourself out there.

sailboatgirl · #10 02-08-2009, 03:23 PM

It sounds as if you've been paired with an older mentor sister who is either not the best fit for you or who is a bit of a flake (that's not the exact word that I'm searching for, but I can't think of anything else). Have you considered talking to your New Member Educator about this?

icelandelf · #11 02-08-2009, 03:32 PM

Your question

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailboatgirl

It sounds as if you've been paired with an older mentor sister who is either not the best fit for you or who is a bit of a flake (that's not the exact word that I'm searching for, but I can't think of anything else). Have you considered talking to your New Member Educator about this?

Her answer, first post

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

.... I have spoken with our new member educator who seemed concerned but was not too helpful. I don;t want to drop because my pledge class is amazing for the most part but I feel like I have not gotten a real sorority experience, and that the grass might not be greener if I rush again (Or i might not even get a bid!)
Any advice/experience with this?

(bold and italicized mine)

lilzetakitten · #12 02-08-2009, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

It's hard though because I see sisters and they don't introduce themselves to me or say hi, so it put me in that awkward position of being creepy and knowing them or being the bitch who forgot someones name after 10 introductions.

Just addressing the sister side of this: don't worry about it. I knew especially during the early stages of the new member period there was a good chance the new members wouldn't remember my name. After all, I had to remember about 15 of them, but they had to remember about 50 of us. Don't be afraid of telling them that you need to be re-introduced, they understand. They've been there too.

Jimmy Choo · #13 02-08-2009, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

Just addressing the sister side of this: don't worry about it. I knew especially during the early stages of the new member period there was a good chance the new members wouldn't remember my name. After all, I had to remember about 15 of them, but they had to remember about 50 of us. Don't be afraid of telling them that you need to be re-introduced, they understand. They've been there too.

And on that note.....if the OP is in a pretty big chapter she may have 30-40 pledge sisters at least! Add onto that maybe a 100+ actives! (just a guess) That's a ton of people to learn!! The sisters will understand if you forget someone.

KSUViolet06 · #14 02-08-2009, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

Just addressing the sister side of this: don't worry about it. I knew especially during the early stages of the new member period there was a good chance the new members wouldn't remember my name. After all, I had to remember about 15 of them, but they had to remember about 50 of us. Don't be afraid of telling them that you need to be re-introduced, they understand. They've been there too.

True. New Members are usually meeting SO MANY people within a few weeks, so not remembering a sister's name is not creepy or bitchy at all. Heck, there were new girls in my chapter who called me Jackie or Jessica for like 3 weeks.

preciousjeni · #15 02-08-2009, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

I feel like for the position I'm in, I've put myself out there and dealt with a lot of rejection from within the chapter.

So, you haven't bonded with everyone after a few weeks together? I find that incredibly surprising.

Quote:

bland girls in my pledge class (overall, based on how they act in other aspects of life) are the ones having the best experience.

Based on this comment alone, I do not want to be your friend. Bitchtastic!