Need Advice :)

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by srmom

Thanks for your posts. My son actually said something about a restraining order and I kind of laughed it off as being extreme - until I had my run in with her yesterday, now I see where he's coming from.

I am going to call her mom (GULP) this evening to see if we can set up a meeting. I'm sure they must be aware that things are not okay with her. I just have never had to have this type of conversation before and really don't relish it. But, it is in her, and my son's, best interest to get this to stop.

If your son is asking for a restraining order, take it seriously! Don't wait for the parent's too handle this one. Your son senses that this girl may be a little dangerous. I wouldn't blow off his instincts.

[srmom]

Thanks again. (plus had to post one to get my post number up to 667) I need all the luck I can get!!

[libramunoz]

Don't be afraid to speak with the parents. Talk with them the same way you would talk with a co-worker that was bugging you at work. Just be as professional as possible while beinging able to bring your point across about their daughters behavior and how uncomfortable/strange it is for your family.
Just remember that you don't have to be confrontational and inform them that you are concerned about their child and that you just want both families to be and feel safe and secure.
Keep it on a family level so that they don't feel "attacked" or feel as though you are saying that they are "bad parents."

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by srmom

My husband and I have stayed out of it, only counseling him to be kind, but firm in his wanting to end the relationship. My son has tried to handle it, but, it is getting totally out of control. She calls and texts his cell phone up to 30 times a day or more, and calls our house phone repeatedly. She now has started showing up at our house and walking in the open back door, univited and unannounced. It is very upsetting to my son who really doesn't know how to handle it. He has tried being nice, he has tried being mean, nothing works, and the behavior is becoming more and more obsessive.

Yesterday when I came home from work, she was at the house. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, and when I saw her last night, I was alarmed. It looks like she has lost a LOT of weight (like scary skinny). I know through the grapevine that she has had issues with anorexia in the past, and frankly, I am majorly concerned about her mental and physical health. She was crying and apologetic that I found her at the house. I told her that she needed to leave and that the constant phoning and showing up was not helping matters, that she needed to give my son space, and that maybe in time, they could be friends again. The whole scene was really kind of weird (hard to describe).

@Bolded...

First she's texting calling a bajillion times... Clue 1.
Second Very skinny... You don't know if she has Anorexia unless you have been trained to recognize it... But the key is, how was she dress--appropriate for your climate or "scantily clad" with inappropriate make-up and disheveled hair??? Clue 2.
Third, you chose to engage her. People like that always take it out of context--she rapidly turns stuff around to say, if I am quiet enough that he doesn't notice me, then we can be friends, leading to lovers, again... But, you don't know that... Clue 3

You don't have hardcore proof that she showed up at your house unannounced and uninvited... That takes pictures...

So, if you don't have the video security cams with recordings, then it's your word against hers... And she can lie to save her butt... And "they" always favor the damsel in distress...

You want to protect your family, especially your son, get your stuff in order...

I suggest you see the domestic violence counselors... They are suppose to help people with that, even those it is in the "reverse"--a man being harassed by a woman...

[nikki1920]

The fact that she walked into their house, uninvited, signals a problem to me. And some parents *are* clueless as to what goes on with their own kids. As a mom, she has to stand up for her own kid. My first thing would be to let the parents know that something is not right here without placing blame.

[VandalSquirrel]

Definitely talk to the parents, because a lot of kids (and people) are excellent at hiding behavior. If that doesn't work, does your son's school have a police officer assigned to it (assuming it is public) you could use as a resource? That officer may have some tips or resources at the girl's school.

Also, my phone has a block feature, you should investigate that as an option, and also document everything. Even if she isn't anorexic, she needs to get help/learn that this is not socially acceptable behavior. Perhaps you and other family members should always be with your son until this blows over. When I had a situation with my former future ex-husband, having someone around was a great relief, even though nothing ever happened again.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

My first thing would be to let the parents know that something is not right here without placing blame.

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

Definitely talk to the parents, because a lot of kids (and people) are excellent at hiding behavior. If that doesn't work, does your son's school have a police officer assigned to it (assuming it is public) you could use as a resource? That officer may have some tips or resources at the girl's school.

Also, my phone has a block feature, you should investigate that as an option, and also document everything.

How can one parent tell another parent about his/her child's inappropriate behavior without placing blame? IDK? But the general rule of thumb for school admins is that parents do not allow another adult parent to interact with the "offending child"--i.e. deal with your own child... That needs to ONLY be dealt with the "authority in charge"... In this case, the girl allegedly was "trespassing" on private property with intent...

And while, yes, teens can hide their behavior, texting does have a cost factor, and the parents cannot be that far gone to not think, "hmmmm, my child might have a problem, etc.?"

But, I had forgotten, that most high schools have a code of ethics, and she has violated them. So, the girl would be done a favor by the son speaking to the school police. Then, the question will be asked if charges wants to be made and an investigation sought, which immediately involves the school, the school psychologist, and the admin who legally has to report the incident to various agencies...

@Srmom, my point to this is, do not attempt to handle this by yourself (or your family by yourself)... Once you choose to speak to the parents independently, it is just not worth that melee that can ensue with your family...

Your son attempted to end his relationship in good faith, but he just did not choose a girl who can take the break-up. Since they are students at the local HS, they have to treat each other respectfully, she has violated that. And your son has rights, too...

[AGDee]

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go." That's a very different thing than going to the parent and saying "Your daughter is a whackjob. She's calling my son 30 times and trespassing in our house. Do something about her crazy ass."

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go."

But we ain't talking about a girl and her parents operating on all cylindars...

While what you wrote is EXTREMELY civil, what if I was this girl's parent, and I went off on you and cursed you out for accusing my daughter after your son promised the "moon and stars" to my daughter...

See, to me the issue is, the parents must be wacky because the behavior the girl manifested did not just suddenly developed, it was honed in over time for her to irrationally think that way... Basically, an enabling an inappropriate behavior when now this girl's personal interactions and relationships are poor, at best...

Unless someone is trained and licensed to handle both the parents and the girl, then, you are just asking for unnecessary ignorance and pain...

The reality is, while Srmom does know her son the best, we all don't know what he "REALLY" said to this girl for her to fabricate a Fantasyland in her mind, thinking that it's copacetic rolling up in her house like that...

Maybe I stopped dealing with the source, anymore... EFF that... You do some illegal chit to me these days, I report folks... EFF pride, parity and equity are more important to me. I'm too old for that kinna BS... I'd rather my child, go to the HS po-po, press charges, have an investigation, and I don't care what my happens to my "rep" after that... At least the child will have somekind of help, then the boy will have to have better "recruitment skills" when he dates...

[Senusret I]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go." That's a very different thing than going to the parent and saying "Your daughter is a whackjob. She's calling my son 30 times and trespassing in our house. Do something about her crazy ass."

Best advice.

[epchick]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

How can one parent tell another parent about his/her child's inappropriate behavior without placing blame? IDK? But the general rule of thumb for school admins is that parents do not allow another adult parent to interact with the "offending child"--i.e. deal with your own child... That needs to ONLY be dealt with the "authority in charge"... In this case, the girl allegedly was "trespassing" on private property with intent...

And while, yes, teens can hide their behavior, texting does have a cost factor, and the parents cannot be that far gone to not think, "hmmmm, my child might have a problem, etc.?"

But, I had forgotten, that most high schools have a code of ethics, and she has violated them. So, the girl would be done a favor by the son speaking to the school police. Then, the question will be asked if charges wants to be made and an investigation sought, which immediately involves the school, the school psychologist, and the admin who legally has to report the incident to various agencies...

There are ways to speak to parents without making it seem like you are placing the blame on them. Srmom SHOULD speak to this girl's parents. I agree with how AGDee suggests handling the situation.

The school police will not do anything because none of these things happen on campus, it is happening at srmom's house.

I don't think the parents will think anything is wrong based on her text messages. They could still be under the impression that their daughter and srmom's son are still dating, which is why she is texting him so much. I text a lot, and my parents wouldn't think anything was wrong based on the # of texts, especially since most people have that "unlimited" text messaging plan.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by epchick

There are ways to speak to parents without making it seem like you are placing the blame on them. Srmom SHOULD speak to this girl's parents. I agree with how AGDee suggests handling the situation.

No matter how it is said, there are too many variable to NOT know what the outcome will be. First you don't know if that girl's parents are just a sick and twisted or worse... So how it going to look to speak to the parents about anything?

Originally Posted by epchick

The school police will not do anything because none of these things happen on campus, it is happening at srmom's house.

Actually, there is precendent in various school districts, in regards to school violence. These kinds of things can escalate. That is why the police and admins have been trained and have licenses and certificates...

Originally Posted by epchick

I don't think the parents will think anything is wrong based on her text messages. They could still be under the impression that their daughter and srmom's son are still dating, which is why she is texting him so much. I text a lot, and my parents wouldn't think anything was wrong based on the # of texts, especially since most people have that "unlimited" text messaging plan.

It is the sheer number of them that most people will look at and the timing. When my child is asleep at my house, WTF are there 30 odd texts at 2-3 AM, saying "where R U", "Call me", "I miss U", "I H8 U"--Bizzarro texts?

I don't care how much the other family thinks they are dating, the fact is, you don't text endlessly at 2-3 AM even if you are married... There is a limit to that being loving vs. overwhelming. The other issue, is the boy could have led her on for her to live in make believe. We are only hearing one side of the story, so who knows? I am in no way condoning or rationalizing her behavior, but you just don't mess around with someone like that and think you, your property, and your animals are safe...

It's like y'all missed that movie "Fatal Attraction"...

This girl apparently does not understand the point of restraint and composure. Why? Who knows? But unless you are a trained and licensed professional, then why do you need to ascertain that fact?

[nikki1920]

Once the girl enters my house, it becomes my issue. As a parent, THAT is what bothers me the most: why are you coming INTO MY house, little girl?! (That part creeped me out!) If this had just been phone calls/texts or only occurred at school, that's something different, and I would involve the school and let them handle it. If the girl's parents go off on me, well then, that's different. But the first step would be to talk to the parents and that can be done civilly. It's all about HOW things are said.

Now, if homegirl's mom wants to take it there, I would end the conversation, again, civilly, and do what I needed to do to keep my child safe. Yes, the kids are just 16, but walking in uninvited to someone's house is not cool.

srmom, please keep us posted.

[srmom]

Okay, I didn't read the posts last evening, so missed all the advice of the last two pages. I did call her mom last night and the conversation went very well, in fact, she was very glad I called, they had been contemplating calling us as well.

Apparently, she and her husband are well aware of the fact that my son has broken up with her and that her daughter is having a really hard time accepting it. They have forbidden her from calling/texting/coming over to the house, but are having a tough time policing her. She asked respectfully for our help by telling our son to not accept phone calls or respond to texts and to call them if she shows up at the house. She went into the state of her daughters mental health, and as I suspected, there are issues and they are dealing with them professionally. The rumors I had heard about her weight issues (anorexia) were true, so she has been treated psychologically in the past, and they are having her treated now.

I think it was a relief to her mom that we spoke, and that we got everything out on the table. She was very complimentary of my son and his behavior throughout this and totally felt that it was her daughter who was "at fault". Although I hate to use that term because I truly feel that she is not 100% in control of herself at this point.

Honestly, my heart breaks, not only for the girl, but for her parents too. This time of their lives is so important, so many things happening, and to be dealing with this must be excrutiating. Probably the worst thing for her was to get romantically involved with someone, and if I had known about her issues in the past, I would have tried to steer my son away from that kind of involvement. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all I can do now is wish her and her parents the best in a terrible situation...

I am going to look into the call blocking, and if not that, changing his number. I am also having son lock the door after himself when he gets home.

But, I wanted to let y'all know that it wasn't breaking and entering, or considered that. Where we live (believe it or not in this day and age) open doors are the norm in the daytime, and all my son's friends have always just come in the back door. It is sad that we have to start locking the door and expecting knocks or bells, but the situation warrants it.

Anyway, I really appreciate your advice, although I'm glad I didn't read the scary ones or I might have had a harder time picking up the telephone, which did end up being the right way to go.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by srmom

Okay, I didn't read the posts last evening, so missed all the advice of the last two pages. I did call her mom last night and the conversation went very well, in fact, she was very glad I called, they had been contemplating calling us as well.

Apparently, she and her husband are well aware of the fact that my son has broken up with her and that her daughter is having a really hard time accepting it. They have forbidden her from calling/texting/coming over to the house, but are having a tough time policing her. She asked respectfully for our help by telling our son to not accept phone calls or respond to texts and to call them if she shows up at the house. She went into the state of her daughters mental health, and as I suspected, there are issues and they are dealing with them professionally. The rumors I had heard about her weight issues (anorexia) were true, so she has been treated psychologically in the past, and they are having her treated now.

I think it was a relief to her mom that we spoke, and that we got everything out on the table. She was very complimentary of my son and his behavior throughout this and totally felt that it was her daughter who was "at fault". Although I hate to use that term because I truly feel that she is not 100% in control of herself at this point.

Honestly, my heart breaks, not only for the girl, but for her parents too. This time of their lives is so important, so many things happening, and to be dealing with this must be excrutiating. Probably the worst thing for her was to get romantically involved with someone, and if I had known about her issues in the past, I would have tried to steer my son away from that kind of involvement. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all I can do now is wish her and her parents the best in a terrible situation...

I am going to look into the call blocking, and if not that, changing his number. I am also having son lock the door after himself when he gets home.

But, I wanted to let y'all know that it wasn't breaking and entering, or considered that. Where we live (believe it or not in this day and age) open doors are the norm in the daytime, and all my son's friends have always just come in the back door. It is sad that we have to start locking the door and expecting knocks or bells, but the situation warrants it.

Anyway, I really appreciate your advice, although I'm glad I didn't read the scary ones or I might have had a harder time picking up the telephone, which did end up being the right way to go.

Glad to hear that it went well...just as a CYA, document the highlights of what you all talked about.

Next, you really should get his number changed if it continues...I am guessing however, that possibly her parents may take her phone as it stands.

Also warn your son, again since he is a male, if somehow he finds her in his space not to be caught alone with her...

Better safe than sorry.