I Don't Date Outside of My Race...

[AKA2D '91]

^^^ I see you picked that up!
OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[preciousjeni]

Everyone has insecurities and those insecurities are enhanced when you're with a person for the wrong reasons. In the situations y'all are citing, people second-guess themselves and feel the need to constantly defend their relationships.

My husband is a lot older than I am and he's black. When we first got married, the age difference caused me some stress, but the interracial aspect never did. I believe that, early on, my husband was somewhat uncomfortable/insecure being married to a white woman for the reasons that many of you have stated in this thread. I accept that some people are ok with it and some are not. I understand why people are uncomfortable with BM/WW pairings and I do not begrudge them their opinions. I don't bear any feelings of hostility nor do I flippantly brush off the reality of the situation.

When I got married, I believed (and still do) that I was doing what was right in the eyes of God and that was my primary motivation. In the short time we've been married, we've experienced racial incidents, mostly involving racism directed at my husband with me learning the best way to handle the situation. My instinct is to attack because I love him, but there are more effective ways of dealing with people.

At one point, I was put in a position that shamed me. My husband was driving in the south and got pulled over. But, I believe that because I was in the car with another white family member, the officer checked us out and let us go without a warning or anything. He just told us to leave. In a sense, the experience was positive in that my family member had his first personal glimpse into DWB and the continued systemic racism that exists today.

[AKA2D '91]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

At one point, I was put in a position that shamed me. My husband was driving in the south and got pulled over. But, I believe that because I was in the car with another white family member, the officer checked us out and let us go without a warning or anything. He just told us to leave. In a sense, the experience was positive in that my family member had his first personal glimpse into DWB and the continued systemic racism that exists today.

How did you initially respond to your hubby's DWB incident the first time you witnessed it? I'm sure he told you stories where he was victimized or his friends had been. Did you believe DWB or racism was real before you met your hubby? How did your family member respond? Has he or she gotten on the DWB or systemic racism soap box since the incident occurred? Or, is it something that was dealt with at the moment and never really addressed since?

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by AKA2D '91

How did you initially respond to your hubby's DWB incident the first time you witnessed it? I'm sure he told you stories where he was victimized or his friends had been. Did you believe DWB or racism was real before you met your hubby? How did your family member respond? Has he or she gotten on the DWB or systemic racism soap box since the incident occurred? Or, is it something that was dealt with at the moment and never really addressed since?

I honestly have my own serious race issues. If you're interested, I recently had an article published in Theta Nu Xi's national newsletter. I'm not going to post the link, but if you'd like to check it out, it's in the April 2008 issue starting on page 12.

To answer your questions, when it comes to police, I try to stay under the radar. Many years ago, I was involved in an incident with a now-ex-boyfriend (another interracial relationship) that resulted in him being face down on the ground with a cop pointing a gun at his head. I don't find that stamping my feet and demanding justice does much good with *certain* people. I've learned to show as much deference as necessary to get out of the situation.

And, I most definitely believed that DWB and racist was real before I met my husband. I've been fighting this fight within my own family since I was a child. My family member acknowledged that something fishy had happened during the DWB incident, but he won't go as far as admitting that racism is more prevalent than isolated instances. It's been a lifelong goal of mine to introduce my family to the truth and help them embrace it for what it is. Unfortunately, for many years, they didn't take me seriously and did ridiculous things like making inflammatory jokes in my presence to get a rise out of me. It was only when I stopped responding (after I had matured a bit more) that they realized I was serious.

ETA: A contributing factor to my ex-boyfriend being laid out on pavement was that I spoke up and angered the cops. I've been told that wasn't clear so I'm clarifying now.

[SKEEphistAKAte]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

To answer your questions, when it comes to police, I try to stay under the radar. Many years ago, I was involved in an incident with a now-ex-boyfriend (another interracial relationship) that resulted in him being face down on the ground with a cop pointing a gun at his head. I don't find that stamping my feet and demanding justice does much good with *certain* people. I've learned to show as much deference as necessary to get out of the situation.

So basically you think your dude should've shucked and jived his way out of it?

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by SKEEphistAKAte

So basically you think your dude should've shucked and jived his way out of it?

I think you gotta do what you gotta do to stay free and alive. There's no justice in this country.

[starang21]

i got pulled over with an ex one time.

the cop asked me if was ok.

[preciousjeni]

On a related note, in response to what some of y'all have said about the children of interracial parents (black/white specifically), I want children. But, one thing I'm concerned about is how to deal with issues that I haven't personally had to navigate. I can't turn to my parents because they have no idea.

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

In reality, who do I turn to when things like that happen? Not my parents. My husbands parents have passed. This is real, y'all. You know?

[MsFoxyLoxy77]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

In reality, who do I turn to when things like that happen? Not my parents. My husbands parents have passed. This is real, y'all. You know?

So in other words you're worried your future children will be discriminated against. You're afraid they'll be treated like African Americans or people of color. Well they will be people of color and they will be African American.

Who does anyone turn to...Al Sharpton? It doesn't matter how many family members you have or how well connected you are. Anyone...celebrity or not, rich or poor, can be subjected to racism. Any steps that would ever be taken to assist you or your children would most likely come after the fact not before.

I can appreciate that you've thought about the what but I'm not sure you've fully contemplated the who. Who will they be? Though interracial, they will be viewed as black and for better or worse they will be treated as such.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by MsFoxyLoxy77

I can appreciate that you've thought about the what but I'm not sure you've fully contemplated the who. Who will they be? Though interracial, they will be viewed as black and for better or worse they will be treated as such.

I know they'll be black which is why I'm concerned. I, as a white woman, am on the outside of what they'll experience, so my advice for them can only go so far. At this point, I'm just sharing with y'all my experiences and concerns as a white woman in an ongoing interracial relationship.

[AKA2D '91]

I read the article. What kind of response have you received? What did your family members think of it?

You came up in the time when little girls should be seen and not heard. Boy, my sister and I KNEW when adults were around, you didn't have anything to contribute.

[teena]

Originally Posted by MsFoxyLoxy77

So in other words you're worried your future children will be discriminated against. You're afraid they'll be treated like African Americans or people of color. Well they will be people of color and they will be African American.

Who does anyone turn to...Al Sharpton? It doesn't matter how many family members you have or how well connected you are. Anyone...celebrity or not, rich or poor, can be subjected to racism. Any steps that would ever be taken to assist you or your children would most likely come after the fact not before.

I can appreciate that you've thought about the what but I'm not sure you've fully contemplated the who. Who will they be? Though interracial, they will be viewed as black and for better or worse they will be treated as such.

I think what she is saying is how can she prepare her future children for an experience that she has no real first hand knowledge. How can she gauge is her feelings are on the mark or if she is over reacting if her parents have no experience and her husbands parents arent alive. I think what she is asking about is a support system that will be able to address her issues.

I think she poses very good questions that i have often wondered about myself especially with Brangelina and Tom Cruise. How can you teach your children about about a system that is against you when you dont really understand yourself.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

On a related note, in response to what some of y'all have said about the children of interracial parents (black/white specifically), I want children. But, one thing I'm concerned about is how to deal with issues that I haven't personally had to navigate. I can't turn to my parents because they have no idea.

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

In reality, who do I turn to when things like that happen? Not my parents. My husbands parents have passed. This is real, y'all. You know?

You just love your kids with more love that you thought you ever had before. And since you seemed to be already involved in a church setting, then you take them there. They will get the "REAL LOVE" that all children sorely need.

Not every little thing is bigoted when you view it with kids, but sometimes you have to pull adults to the side and let them know. My nephew just encountered some craziness. I am unsure if my brother set the "responsible adult" straight or not, but nonetheless, it was disturbing. However, there are other issues at play in my situation...

And start learning curricula education EARLY--like letters and numbers and have your kids walking in kindergarten knowing how to read 2 grade levels above...

My little nephew is a lefty... So he does not know how to write his name yet. It is going to be very hard to get him to know. But, he can be taught numbers, counting and reading in general. Appropriate for his age.

You should see him play concentration. It's a whole 'nother concept to a 3 1/2 year old... LOL

[AKA2D '91]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

My little nephew is a lefty... So he does not know how to write his name yet. , counting and reading in general.
It is going to be very hard to get him to know.

Say what? It's hard for him because it's a challenge for him. Don't say it's because he's one of us.

It didn't take me long to learn to write my name. It was difficult for my teachers to not allow me to turn my writst all the way around to right. That was a directive that came down from my father, their boss.
Whatever they did...it worked!

[southernelle25]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I think you gotta do what you gotta do to stay free and alive. There's no justice in this country.

Such might keep you alive, sure, free... not so much. And then the question becomes, is such life worth living? This is an issue blacks in America have had to struggle with for centuries and so will your children, should you have any.

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

So, don't let your "boys" be out at night. In my family, all children had to be in the house by a certain time. Once they are grown, well, there is nothing more you can do. If you don't believe in your ability to raise black boys into responsible black men who won't be arrested (or at least convicted), then maybe you shouldn't have any.