Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[PrettyInPink777]

I am reading this thread for the first time and a lot of what I am reading is shaking me up....especially a lot of Soror Ideal08's commentary about 'isolating'. I was diagnosed in '99 with severe clinical depression and acute panic disorder that became finally evident (after having several episodes of crying all the way to work and back home in my car, but putting on the lovely mask at work and at home for all to enjoy) when I woke up one morning and couldn't -physically couldn't- get dressed for work. I was off work for a year after that...meds and therapy and total, black hole, blinds-drawn, self-imposed isolation. ....couldn't (not wouldn't, contrary to popular belief!) answer the phone, couldn't answer the door, couldn't open mail, stopped seeing everybody, stopped going to church where I was a music leader, etc. Noone understood and I couldn't explain, so I was deemed as 'trippin', 'needing to pray more', 'selfish (??!!)', and 'needing to snap out of it'.

I moved out of state for several years about 2 years after the diagnosis to a place where I had no friends or family, just career ... brilliant career, but just career. (I am just now 'getting' that I was probably doing the supreme isolation act with that move) I have sinced returned 'home' after being gone 7 years (number of completion ) -- healthy, happy-ish, and eager to re-enter my life that's been on-hold lo' these past 7 years.... bought my house, cautiously re-connecting with friends/family, but feeling the need to isolate again a lot. Now that I'm back in the mix, so to speak, I am a bit overwhelmed with everyone's needs and expectations of me....which are probably 'normal', like to answer the phone, pick up my messages, call them back, come over, come over, come over and which should make me feel blessed that folk still wanna be bothered with me .... but it feels like so much I can't stand it.

One thing I have determined is that I am keeping it real henceforth. The mask is gone forever and I am living authentically, despite people's judgments, and hopefully they will understand..... like when my mom (who knows / didn't quite accept my earlier diagnosis, tho' she has a long history of depression -- undiagnosed, though) asked why I disappeared for three days recently and wouldn't call her back or answer my phone, I said 'I just couldn't bear to .... it was too much' ... she said 'you can't just pick up the phone .... was that too hard?...to which I answered 'Yes.' It was hard to be that straight, 'cuz I don't do *vulnerable*, but it sure felt good telling it like it was. For 2008, I'm keeping it real and KIM.

Sorry for my stream-of-consciousness rant, but this strikes a chord with me, especially now that I'm in a tricky transitional stage right now of re-connecting....and Lord knows, we strong black women don't discuss this kinda stuff much . I appreciate this forum.

Much love and peace to all --

[Ideal08]

Originally Posted by PrettyInPink777

Now that I'm back in the mix, so to speak, I am a bit overwhelmed with everyone's needs and expectations of me....which are probably 'normal', like to answer the phone, pick up my messages, call them back, come over, come over, come over and which should make me feel blessed that folk still wanna be bothered with me .... but it feels like so much I can't stand it.

Sorry for my stream-of-consciousness rant, but this strikes a chord with me, especially now that I'm in a tricky transitional stage right now of re-connecting....

I have so much to say, but I have to (1) take a nap and (2) get my thoughts together. But, Soror, we are >HERE<, believe me!!!! It's nice to hear from another 'isolator' b/c it is truly something folks don't (or can't?) understand.

(((((Soror PrettyInPink777)))))

BBL...

[OOhsoflyDELTA#9]

WOW....just wow to this thread...I'm on here like everyday so I don't know how I missed this......first I commend everyone here for their strength in sharing...you all have probably helped someone who hasn't gained the courage to share their stories yet...I've mentioned before that I work in mental health as a BAQP, MHQP, DDQP, and a whole bunch of other alphabet that all basically mean mental health case manager...I came into this field by accident but I fell in love with it because I realized how many people really have issues stemming from mental health...it was supposed to be just a filler job until I ready for medical school but now I have changed my entire career path in order to continue to serve in this field...BUT thats not the story...after a while of trying to figure out why I was so drawn to helping my consumers I realized that I saw myself in many of them...since I was a teenager I would go through bouts of defiance and anger....getting into trouble, fighting in school....then I would just want to be left alone and not deal with people for days at a time....I had been called mean, moody, and just bad for so long that I didn't know that there was a REAL reason for my behavior...although my diagnosis isn't severe, I found comfort in being able to place a name on something that had plagued me for years, and that had caused me to make many mistakes and bad decisions in the past...so now I'm focusing my studies on comprehensive mental health, my agency/practice will serve the total need of the consumer... physical and mental health....I want to focus on the African-American community and raise the awareness of the existence and frequency of mental heath disorders within it......

[AKA_Monet]

((((((((((((((((sorors))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((sistagreeks))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((GC others!)))))))))))))))))

[pinkies up]

Do you all think that many AA women aren't diagnosed for depression because we are so used to doing it all anyway? Do you think we go to God, or other spiritual methods instead of seeing a physician?

BTW: I think I have suffered from depression for years but because of the fact that I have to keep it together for my family, it has manifested to other symptoms; ie. fatigue, weight gain, headaches...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

Do you all think that many AA women aren't diagnosed for depression because we are so used to doing it all anyway? Do you think we go to God, or other spiritual methods instead of seeing a physician?

BTW: I think I have suffered from depression for years but because of the fact that I have to keep it together for my family, it has manifested to other symptoms; ie. fatigue, weight gain, headaches...

Depression as a mental illness correlates with risk of type 2 diabetes. Since numerous AA generally suffer from type 2 when they get older, it does not seem inconceivable to me from my point of view.

The way mental health is treated is separate from environmental conditions vs. physical ones. Environment or nuture may play a HUGE role on mental health outcomes. But that does not necessarily translate into the acute physical outcomes, such as commiting a violent act, never leaving the house, isolating, crying spells for days in and out...

If left untreated, depression can and will cause secondary symptoms, like fatigue, weight gain and headaches...

Somewhere on GC, I posted the actual medical differentials of depression from MD Consult... Depression biologically is dysregulation of serotonin and norepinephrine release and reuptake in most cases.

[pinkies up]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Depression as a mental illness correlates with risk of type 2 diabetes. Since numerous AA generally suffer from type 2 when they get older, it does not seem inconceivable to me from my point of view.

The way mental health is treated is separate from environmental conditions vs. physical ones. Environment or nuture may play a HUGE role on mental health outcomes. But that does not necessarily translate into the acute physical outcomes, such as commiting a violent act, never leaving the house, isolating, crying spells for days in and out...

If left untreated, depression can and will cause secondary symptoms, like fatigue, weight gain and headaches...

Somewhere on GC, I posted the actual medical differentials of depression from MD Consult... Depression biologically is dysregulation of serotonin and norepinephrine release and reuptake in most cases.

Had no idea about the correlation between diabetes and depression.

[nikki1920]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

Do you all think that many AA women aren't diagnosed for depression because we are so used to doing it all anyway? Do you think we go to God, or other spiritual methods instead of seeing a physician?

BTW: I think I have suffered from depression for years but because of the fact that I have to keep it together for my family, it has manifested to other symptoms; ie. fatigue, weight gain, headaches...

YES!!! And truth be told, you can't be everything to everyone else while you are quietly going to pieces. And we DON'T have to be everything to everyone. It's not healthy.

[darling1]

((((((((((((((((((((((((prettyinpink)))))))))))))) )))))))))

Originally Posted by PrettyInPink777

I am reading this thread for the first time and a lot of what I am reading is shaking me up....especially a lot of Soror Ideal08's commentary about 'isolating'. I was diagnosed in '99 with severe clinical depression and acute panic disorder that became finally evident (after having several episodes of crying all the way to work and back home in my car, but putting on the lovely mask at work and at home for all to enjoy) when I woke up one morning and couldn't -physically couldn't- get dressed for work. I was off work for a year after that...meds and therapy and total, black hole, blinds-drawn, self-imposed isolation. ....couldn't (not wouldn't, contrary to popular belief!) answer the phone, couldn't answer the door, couldn't open mail, stopped seeing everybody, stopped going to church where I was a music leader, etc. Noone understood and I couldn't explain, so I was deemed as 'trippin', 'needing to pray more', 'selfish (??!!)', and 'needing to snap out of it'.

I moved out of state for several years about 2 years after the diagnosis to a place where I had no friends or family, just career ... brilliant career, but just career. (I am just now 'getting' that I was probably doing the supreme isolation act with that move) I have sinced returned 'home' after being gone 7 years (number of completion ) -- healthy, happy-ish, and eager to re-enter my life that's been on-hold lo' these past 7 years.... bought my house, cautiously re-connecting with friends/family, but feeling the need to isolate again a lot. Now that I'm back in the mix, so to speak, I am a bit overwhelmed with everyone's needs and expectations of me....which are probably 'normal', like to answer the phone, pick up my messages, call them back, come over, come over, come over and which should make me feel blessed that folk still wanna be bothered with me .... but it feels like so much I can't stand it.

One thing I have determined is that I am keeping it real henceforth. The mask is gone forever and I am living authentically, despite people's judgments, and hopefully they will understand..... like when my mom (who knows / didn't quite accept my earlier diagnosis, tho' she has a long history of depression -- undiagnosed, though) asked why I disappeared for three days recently and wouldn't call her back or answer my phone, I said 'I just couldn't bear to .... it was too much' ... she said 'you can't just pick up the phone .... was that too hard?...to which I answered 'Yes.' It was hard to be that straight, 'cuz I don't do *vulnerable*, but it sure felt good telling it like it was. For 2008, I'm keeping it real and KIM.

Sorry for my stream-of-consciousness rant, but this strikes a chord with me, especially now that I'm in a tricky transitional stage right now of re-connecting....and Lord knows, we strong black women don't discuss this kinda stuff much . I appreciate this forum.

Much love and peace to all --

[Ideal08]

Oh, to meet another isolator!!! SOROR, I have had the instances when I couldn't get dressed for work, couldn't even get out of bed. Once a soror that I worked with had to come to my apartment to help me. At work that week she had to take me outside to walk around the parking lot because I got angry and WENT OFF on the phone at work. I could not control stuff I normally had control over. I don't know what I would have done without her at that point in my life. But she understood cuz she had been there and knew she had to get me out of bed and out of the house.

Giiiiiiirrrrrrrrl, the blinds drawn--that hit a nerve. I used to wish I had hotel curtains in my apartment b/c they are so good at keeping the room dark! I didn't even realize how dark I kept my apartment until someone pointed it out. Now I make it a habit to open the blinds every day (even when I don't want to). People would be surprised what a little sunlight will do. First, it's hard to stay in bed and sleep if the room is bright (even though I have a little eye mask, lol). In my last housebound episode, I stopped going to work, didn't go to bible class on the Sabbath, stopped checking my mail, didn't answer the phone, didn't check voicemail, nothing. One of the apartment managers came to my door to check on me because my job called concerned. I hadn't gone in or called or anything. It was my rock bottom. I didn't even call my therapist (which I got ripped a new one for when I finally went in). She helped me figure out it was cyclic and how often it happened. I don't EVER want it to get that bad again. I pay attention to the signs, at least I try to.

Oh, the expectations are WAY overwhelming. I'm joining the land of the living again, and it's hard. First folks want to know WHY I haven't been in touch, and I haven't yet figured out what to say. I kinda just brush over it and never really answer the question. Like you, I'm shocked and blessed that they even still want to deal with me, let along be my friend. My sister gets mad when I don't answer her calls. I've started answering them because she called one day and was like, "DO I NEED TO COME DOWN THERE? ARE YOU BACK ON MEDICATION? WTF IS GOIN' ON??????" I realized she was scared and worried and I can't have that (she has high blood pressure), so even when she is the last person I want to be bothered with (she's also an alcoholic and often drunk dials), I take her calls. Girl, family...

It's hard especially because I don't have a reason to why I don't feel like talking or being bothered. Sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I'm just tired, and it takes energy to be around people and to talk to people and to be my regular self. And if I'm not my regular self, then people ask what's wrong and I don't have an answer to all that, so to avoid all that, I just don't answer the phone. But I will email cuz people can't tell by email if I'm down or not. So I can stay in touch and not have to be 'human,' if that makes any sense.

My manfriend has no idea how much he helps me when he makes me do stuff by myself, like run errands. Sometimes, I'm just scared to leave the house alone and I want him to go with me and he is NOT on it. But I don't want to become one of the people I read about who can only leave the house with her husband. I don't want to be her, as much as I don't want to go out by myself. It's a constant struggle, me fighting me. Makes me feel crazy and unbalanced. But I realize I'm not fighting me, I'm fighting the depression/anxiety that is trying to control me. So I have to force myself to take control, one day at a time.

That being said, sometimes I want nothing more than to be by myself and do things that don't require other people. Like going to the library and the bookstore or going for walks, activities where I'm out of the house, but still kinda isolated and don't have to socialize.

But I can tell I'm getting better because I don't pray for death anymore. I never wanted to actually kill myself, I just wanted to cease to exist somehow. Or I wanted some freak accident to happen so I could die and not deal with the stigma of suicide. Or I wanted some fairy godmother to send me someone who could go out and live my life while I stayed in the bed. I don't feel that way anymore and what's more, I'm not ashamed that I ever felt that way at all. I want to actually LIVE now. I don't want to just survive; I want to get to a point where I am LIVING joyfully. I'm not there yet, but that's what I pray for now. And it's what I wish for you, Soror PIP777, and the rest of you in this thread. I wish LIFE for us.

((((((((((all y'all))))))))))

[OhSoVeryLadylike]

I've been seeing a therapist as part of the whole transplant experience. They believe I may have DEVELOPED HYPOMANIA as a result of inactivity. Basically I have sooo much free time on my hand that I spend alot of time analyzing myself and when you think too much about your life, actions, inactions, what you have, what you don't have, who wants you, who doesn't want you, it can be bad on your self-esteem and ambitious or it can make you feel too ambitious.

Like I live at home, because I shouldn't be alone in case anything happens. I have no friends in a two hour distance, I am single (yes people PREACH that people don't need significant other, but it's different when you CAN'T have one because of issues - like not ever being able to have more children, not being where there are people to meet, being the background person, etc and that takes a blow to your confidence also). I've never been prone to depression because I believe that life is what you make of it and that all things turn out in God's fashion. But, these issues I have all rolled together put me in a place of panic.
I am glad I have been able to deal with it. Cause I used to joke to my best friend that I REALLY thought I was losing my mind, cause I was HAPPY but I'd be so despondent about the HAPPINESS that it felt wrong. If that makes any sense.

[AKA_Monet]

Gentle GCers--

Don't forget that depression is also anger turned inward, toward yourself...

So, anger has WAAAYS to be dealt with. Often in our interactions, we are told not to get angry, especially women, hold in your anger because it is unladylike... What that does is send the anger stressor into various parts of your body that just take the abuse as buffer, but as you get older, it because diseased and pathological that the organ cannot handle it anymore... Or worse, causes growths like cancer...

One way to deal with anger is seek resolution to disappate it. Anger, in and of itself is a "flight or fight" response... Strong-willed people fight... That's not always a good thing... It is viewed as weak if one takes flight... But, as humans, we can disarm our opponents... What that does is calm angry people down, it adds paradox, a defray... And guess what, we have to practice it like an physical exercise. Now, hindsight is always 20/20, but start with those is you do anger suppression. Then eventually, bring clarity to your feelings: i.e. "I am angry because __________________"

Like today, I am angry because a deadline is coming up and I feel it is unfulfilled. I am angry about it because I feel alienated by people I trust...

Follow that format. Avoid "You" statements. And the onus is on your feelings and your anger...

[AKA_Monet]

Mint teas... Eases stress fast!!! Safe... Anything mint, except candy...

Yoga, kundalini and hatha breaths... Deep meditative breathing...

Drink water. Only 8 oz. per day with exercise.

These practices are to be used inconjuction with your healthcare providers directions.

[darling1]

when i discovered the anger piece, it was a lightbulb moment. im going to read this again because its a constant struggle.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Gentle GCers--

Don't forget that depression is also anger turned inward, toward yourself...

So, anger has WAAAYS to be dealt with. Often in our interactions, we are told not to get angry, especially women, hold in your anger because it is unladylike... What that does is send the anger stressor into various parts of your body that just take the abuse as buffer, but as you get older, it because diseased and pathological that the organ cannot handle it anymore... Or worse, causes growths like cancer...

One way to deal with anger is seek resolution to disappate it. Anger, in and of itself is a "flight or fight" response... Strong-willed people fight... That's not always a good thing... It is viewed as weak if one takes flight... But, as humans, we can disarm our opponents... What that does is calm angry people down, it adds paradox, a defray... And guess what, we have to practice it like an physical exercise. Now, hindsight is always 20/20, but start with those is you do anger suppression. Then eventually, bring clarity to your feelings: i.e. "I am angry because __________________"

Like today, I am angry because a deadline is coming up and I feel it is unfulfilled. I am angry about it because I feel alienated by people I trust...

Follow that format. Avoid "You" statements. And the onus is on your feelings and your anger...

[pinkies up]

OMG, this thread is better than Oprah. ((((hugs to all of my sisters)))) I have seen bits and pieces of myself all up and through this thread. It helps to know I'm not alone.