Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[nikki1920]

I was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression in September of last year.
I didnt tell ANYONE until several co-workers confronted me about the change in my appearance. When I finally confessed that I wasn't myself, one of them broke down and told me her story. I could see myself in her story. I also shared my struggles with a Soror and darn it if she wasn't going through the same exact thing, at the same time. We agreed to not keep it quiet anymore. I've been blessed to have several people on this site serve as sounding boards or encouragers or a cyber shoulder to cyber cry on.

Funny aside: I was telling my therapist about this (a white male) and he said, "I thought Black women talked about everything." I told him, "We do. Just not about mental issues." And that is a truly sad statement. The more people I talk to, the more I find have or are dealing with the same issue. And true, you don't have to tell everyone ALL your business, but someone you know may have the key to help you get through it and sometimes it helps to know that you really AREN'T the only person who is going through something.

[Ideal08]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

I was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression in September of last year.
I didnt tell ANYONE until several co-workers confronted me about the change in my appearance. When I finally confessed that I wasn't myself, one of them broke down and told me her story. I could see myself in her story. I also shared my struggles with a Soror and darn it if she wasn't going through the same exact thing, at the same time. We agreed to not keep it quiet anymore. I've been blessed to have several people on this site serve as sounding boards or encouragers or a cyber shoulder to cyber cry on.

Funny aside: I was telling my therapist about this (a white male) and he said, "I thought Black women talked about everything." I told him, "We do. Just not about mental issues." And that is a truly sad statement. The more people I talk to, the more I find have or are dealing with the same issue. And true, you don't have to tell everyone ALL your business, but someone you know may have the key to help you get through it and sometimes it helps to know that you really AREN'T the only person who is going through something.

I suffer from Clinical Depression, too. I have since the mid-1990's. I was recently diagnosed with Agoraphobia (w/o panic attacks; I've only had one). Afterwards, I realized that what I thought was "normal" wasn't. I didn't know everyone didn't get nervous for no reason. I didn't know everyone didn't have an escape plan no matter where they were. I still think this should be removed from the list of symptoms as to me it's necessary to know how to get out of somewhere should something happen; it's a safety issue. Just like not going into places that only have one entrance/exit. To me that's a safety issue and if something happens (fire, gunshot, etc) getting out would be *sigh* I get nervous just thinking about it. So some stuff I never mentioned to anyone cuz I thought it was as normal as getting chill bumps.

I am not always homebound, but I do isolate often. I have lost friends due to this because people don't understand that some things are beyond my control. Which is annoying in itself because I'm a control-freak.

We definitely don't talk about everything. I can't say that I'm willing to make myself completely vulnerable in that way because of my relationships that have been damaged in the past. So sometimes I just pretend that none of that mental health stuff exists, pray that the Almighty gives me strength and courage, I put on my mask, and I KIM. When I'm unable to even wear the mask (read: I'm not up to it cuz it's exhausting playing the "I'm Ok" game), I isolate. I think it totally scares my manfriend, so when he thinks I'm isolating, he will make sure to take me out somewhere. I'll go out with him because I feel "safe" with him.

It's hard because a lot of people who think they know me, really only know the mask. So when they learn of my "issues," they don't believe it (cuz I'd really make it up ) because they've been fooled by my performances over the years. And I am a MASTER at the mask. Which is also on the list of descriptions of agoraphobics. I read books on the subject and it made me feel better to hear other people's experiences and healing. It's nice to know you're not alone in dealing with stuff. And it helps to finally understand the why behind your actions.

It's SO nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, though. I "talk" to a soror who totally understands and I am SO glad to have "met" her. Sorors truly are priceless. Because my blood sisters know about the depression, but they only know the surface. They worry too much to know the whole story.

I'm going to change the name of this thread...

[darling1]

as i read your post im reminded by some of our offline conversations. i am proud of you . you are a blessing to someone here. do not be afraid to tell your story. 10 years ago, i was properly diagnosed as bi-polar. i also deal with anxiety and clinical depression. it is through god's grace that i do not worry about what people think --that is what i strive for .

take one day at a time. and thank you for changing the name of this thread.

Originally Posted by Ideal08

I suffer from Clinical Depression, too. I have since the mid-1990's. I was recently diagnosed with Agoraphobia (w/o panic attacks; I've only had one). Afterwards, I realized that what I thought was "normal" wasn't. I didn't know everyone didn't get nervous for no reason. I didn't know everyone didn't have an escape plan no matter where they were. I still think this should be removed from the list of symptoms as to me it's necessary to know how to get out of somewhere should something happen; it's a safety issue. Just like not going into places that only have one entrance/exit. To me that's a safety issue and if something happens (fire, gunshot, etc) getting out would be *sigh* I get nervous just thinking about it. So some stuff I never mentioned to anyone cuz I thought it was as normal as getting chill bumps.

I am not always homebound, but I do isolate often. I have lost friends due to this because people don't understand that some things are beyond my control. Which is annoying in itself because I'm a control-freak.

We definitely don't talk about everything. I can't say that I'm willing to make myself completely vulnerable in that way because of my relationships that have been damaged in the past. So sometimes I just pretend that none of that mental health stuff exists, pray that the Almighty gives me strength and courage, I put on my mask, and I KIM. When I'm unable to even wear the mask (read: I'm not up to it cuz it's exhausting playing the "I'm Ok" game), I isolate. I think it totally scares my manfriend, so when he thinks I'm isolating, he will make sure to take me out somewhere. I'll go out with him because I feel "safe" with him.

It's hard because a lot of people who think they know me, really only know the mask. So when they learn of my "issues," they don't believe it (cuz I'd really make it up ) because they've been fooled by my performances over the years. And I am a MASTER at the mask. Which is also on the list of descriptions of agoraphobics. I read books on the subject and it made me feel better to hear other people's experiences and healing. It's nice to know you're not alone in dealing with stuff. And it helps to finally understand the why behind your actions.

It's SO nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, though. I "talk" to a soror who totally understands and I am SO glad to have "met" her. Sorors truly are priceless. Because my blood sisters know about the depression, but they only know the surface. They worry too much to know the whole story.

I'm going to change the name of this thread...

[teena]

Originally Posted by Ideal08

I suffer from Clinical Depression, too. I have since the mid-1990's. I was recently diagnosed with Agoraphobia (w/o panic attacks; I've only had one). Afterwards, I realized that what I thought was "normal" wasn't. I didn't know everyone didn't get nervous for no reason. I didn't know everyone didn't have an escape plan no matter where they were. I still think this should be removed from the list of symptoms as to me it's necessary to know how to get out of somewhere should something happen; it's a safety issue. Just like not going into places that only have one entrance/exit. To me that's a safety issue and if something happens (fire, gunshot, etc) getting out would be *sigh* I get nervous just thinking about it. So some stuff I never mentioned to anyone cuz I thought it was as normal as getting chill bumps.
I am not always homebound, but I do isolate often. I have lost friends due to this because people don't understand that some things are beyond my control. Which is annoying in itself because I'm a control-freak.

We definitely don't talk about everything. I can't say that I'm willing to make myself completely vulnerable in that way because of my relationships that have been damaged in the past. So sometimes I just pretend that none of that mental health stuff exists, pray that the Almighty gives me strength and courage, I put on my mask, and I KIM. When I'm unable to even wear the mask (read: I'm not up to it cuz it's exhausting playing the "I'm Ok" game), I isolate. I think it totally scares my manfriend, so when he thinks I'm isolating, he will make sure to take me out somewhere. I'll go out with him because I feel "safe" with him.

It's hard because a lot of people who think they know me, really only know the mask. So when they learn of my "issues," they don't believe it (cuz I'd really make it up ) because they've been fooled by my performances over the years. And I am a MASTER at the mask. Which is also on the list of descriptions of agoraphobics. I read books on the subject and it made me feel better to hear other people's experiences and healing. It's nice to know you're not alone in dealing with stuff. And it helps to finally understand the why behind your actions.

It's SO nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, though. I "talk" to a soror who totally understands and I am SO glad to have "met" her. Sorors truly are priceless. Because my blood sisters know about the depression, but they only know the surface. They worry too much to know the whole story.

I'm going to change the name of this thread...

I dont know if this information is useful or relevant to you but it may help someone. About 3 years ago i was dianose with depression. I would cry for no reason and couldnt stop. My doctor prescribed paxcil. I was on it for about 6 months total. And when I saw no difference, she increased the dosage. Still no change, increased the dosage. Still no change so she referred me to some other doctor who prescribed different medicine in addition to the one she was giving me. What wound up happening was where I would have crying spells and had difficulty getting out of bed that grew to full blown anxiety attacks until i passed out along with general anxiety. One of the side effects of the medicine was increased anxiety. the side effect of the medicine was much much much worse than my initial problem.

I implore people to do research and trust their 'first mind' persuing medical remedies.


This thread has been quite painful to read but i am determined to finish it. Still not ready...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

I dont know if this information is useful or relevant to you but it may help someone. About 3 years ago i was dianose with depression. I would cry for no reason and couldnt stop. My doctor prescribed paxcil. I was on it for about 6 months total. And when I saw no difference, she increased the dosage. Still no change, increased the dosage. Still no change so she referred me to some other doctor who prescribed different medicine in addition to the one she was giving me. What wound up happening was where I would have crying spells and had difficulty getting out of bed that grew to full blown anxiety attacks until i passed out along with general anxiety. One of the side effects of the medicine was increased anxiety. the side effect of the medicine was much much much worse than my initial problem.

I implore people to do research and trust their 'first mind' persuing medical remedies.


This thread has been quite painful to read but i am determined to finish it. Still not ready...

Lemme help you a bit: When did you have crying spells? Did it follow your menstrural cycle? What about the periods you did not have spells? How was your moods then?

Draw out your issues for a month (meanwhile see your people) so that your healthcare providers can "track" it. The reason why that works is frequency and fluctuation. When you are in crisis, they stabilize the problem, then send you on your way to go figure... I KNOW--BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!

To have optimal care, you need to either fire your therapist and get one you can work with. In fact you need to interview them to see what their qualifications are and how to help you... I know my current therapist's education, clinical experiences and I pretty much asked her directly what my current issues are. For the times I have seen her, she has already assisted me tremendously... The one before her, I fired... And my insurance is a co-op HMO...

[teena]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Lemme help you a bit: When did you have crying spells? Did it follow your menstrural cycle? What about the periods you did not have spells? How was your moods then?

Draw out your issues for a month (meanwhile see your people) so that your healthcare providers can "track" it. The reason why that works is frequency and fluctuation. When you are in crisis, they stabilize the problem, then send you on your way to go figure... I KNOW--BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!

To have optimal care, you need to either fire your therapist and get one you can work with. In fact you need to interview them to see what their qualifications are and how to help you... I know my current therapist's education, clinical experiences and I pretty much asked her directly what my current issues are. For the times I have seen her, she has already assisted me tremendously... The one before her, I fired... And my insurance is a co-op HMO...

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

[teena]

This is hard

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

This is hard

First (((((((((((((((((teena))))))))))))))))))

Second: I am worried about you... But that's me. So PM me when you get a chance.

Third: I forgot I should give you websites:

Hayhouse. A healing site for folks who have suffered tremendously. Louise Hay has been to Hayle and back and says she has. She has just published a book with all her "new friends". I read a story about a dyslexic boy (now a man) and what he endured in school: Dr. Demartini. I think this book is a good start, too.

And if you can only read one sentence, do so and try every day until you get to a paragraph.

Lastly, I do have to give my LS props, she does this kind of thing also: Dr. Cherry Collier

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me

Yes... Since I moved to my current location. It made me not want to work with them. Then I got a therapist who I started having to tell them my agenda of what I wanted to work on for an hour...

This is just my suggestion and not my professional opinion: You need to read more about your conditions and "group" may be a viable option for you. A nice 12 step program or there is another one. 1-on-1 might not work well for you because you might have some inhibitions about sharing your issues with close quarters...

The other issue is "mindfulness seminars" or meditation practice. More HMO's are "dallying" with giving these courses--they do cost, but might be worth it for you.

I would start with Dr. David Burns' books. There are good Christian books, like "Purpose Filled Life" and Dr. Gary Chapman. If you don't like those, I would then try Hayhouse books - that woman, Louise Hay--WOW!!!

Originally Posted by teena

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

Do you have it written down somewhere that a trained psychiatrist can easily review to assist you... Make them make copies of your complaints and your monthly tracker and ask them how are they going to address this for you. They pretty much give you compliance to your wishes...

Just because you are an abuse survivor does not necessarily say you have depression... There are roughly 10 symptoms and 6 of them must be fulfilled. It is generally the case for abuse survivors, which makes the group options probably very good for you, now. But, only you and your healthcare providers can assist you through this problem...

I would "visit" as many groups as I was willing to do so and find one that makes you feel comfortable. You are not required to say anything other than your name (which you can make up) and "I am just here learning about XYZ".

But the way to combat those "negative voices" or "bad tapes" is through talk therapy. Not sure why it works, but it does...

The last thing I suggest when you feel up to it, take a yoga class... You must find your center and balance...

[darling1]

look into post traumatic stress disorder. for years, i used to have nightmares related to the abuse i suffered. it wasnt until the second mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that ptsd was considered. it made sense and changed my entire outlook and approach to my recovery.

Originally Posted by teena

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

[teena]

Originally Posted by darling1

look into post traumatic stress disorder. for years, i used to have nightmares related to the abuse i suffered. it wasnt until the second mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that ptsd was considered. it made sense and changed my entire outlook and approach to my recovery.

I swear, I am not kidding. About two weeks ago, I told someone that i think that I suffer PTSD. For real. I was acting wiggy about something, crying and carrying on, about somethign I shouldnt have been that upset about.

Ok. Here is the the question, what if you start digging and trying to get to the root of your issue, and you wind up worse off than you were initially. Thats my fear.

[teena]

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me

[darling1]

trust your gut. looking at your first post, i think i had the same issue with paxil. i was lucky because my therapist at the time was a physician. very smart and ver concerned about my health and welfare.

therapy should be a place of trust and safety. if you dont feel that way, then its time to start looking at other options.

it is not you.

Originally Posted by teena

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me

[darling1]

you are definitely a blessing to me and to those that you see and dont 'see'. walk in your faith and know you arent alone.

Originally Posted by nikki1920

I was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression in September of last year.
I didnt tell ANYONE until several co-workers confronted me about the change in my appearance. When I finally confessed that I wasn't myself, one of them broke down and told me her story. I could see myself in her story. I also shared my struggles with a Soror and darn it if she wasn't going through the same exact thing, at the same time. We agreed to not keep it quiet anymore. I've been blessed to have several people on this site serve as sounding boards or encouragers or a cyber shoulder to cyber cry on.

Funny aside: I was telling my therapist about this (a white male) and he said, "I thought Black women talked about everything." I told him, "We do. Just not about mental issues." And that is a truly sad statement. The more people I talk to, the more I find have or are dealing with the same issue. And true, you don't have to tell everyone ALL your business, but someone you know may have the key to help you get through it and sometimes it helps to know that you really AREN'T the only person who is going through something.

[AKA_Monet]

{{{{{{{{{hugs for Nikki1920}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{hugs for Soror Ideal08}}}}}}}}}}}}

Well, I have gotten teased here for being vocal about what happens to me more on a constant basis than before. I am encountering drug failure - when the meds fail to work like prescribed. That happens with a few people. Guess I am one of them.

When I was 14, my mom and I had "yelling contests". See who can yell the loudest. I was wound up, ready to crack, gung ho about something I wanted to, run around in the cold and rain with shorts and T-shirt. I'd do my homework and it was "gobbly gook". Kids I thought were my friends, really weren't. They did drugs, and yes, it was easy to experiment...

Then, one day, I just felt tired of the yelling and the fighting and the arguing and the bitterness and the crying and the accusing and the hatred and the ignorance and the inability to express how I felt and what what going on that I came to the conclusion that if I just did not wake up in the morning, everyone would be better off...

So, my freshman year in college, I took 60 pills with the intent to not wake up...

God had other plans for me...

It took close to 10 years to get a correct diagnosis. Bipolar II: hypomania. Runs in my family, most people substance abuse. Most people are manic that deeply depressed.

If anything, I can maneuver the "system". I know how to get where I need to go and how to get there when it comes to my health.

Now, I do feel that the waters were muddy when I was younger, but I've learned to wade. It is not perfect and I would be lying if I did not think about the "bad tapes" that get played. I hate being seen as less than sincere by others - that personal foible I have... I mean, why should I care? However, that is how I am.

However, I would not wish this on my worst enemy... This issue, does not dictate my character as a person. I have to tell myself this to K.I.M. and LIVE!!!