Chuck Norris's Recruitment Story

[Chuck Norris]

Last night it was late when Chuck filled out his bid card. Chuck filled out his own name three times because “Chuck Norris” is never wrong.

Chuck was up all night making plans for a quintuple-bladed extinction crown, a saber-toothed death kite, and venom-infused, blow-dart arrows.

Chuck was starting to question the infinite wisdom that inspired his creative bid day card at 7 a.m. when … the phone rang. Chuck had heard about the phone calls on bid day and his bicepts started to swell in the purest fury he had ever known. The seams of his favorite Bratz pajamas began to rip open thread by thread.

Chuck played it cool, though, and answered as he usually does: “You have ten seconds to identify yourself or die.”

A lady’s voice answered. “This is Julie Burkhard, your Rho Chi. We’ve had a bid matching issue we’d like to talk to you about before we can give any of the other PNMs bids. Would you come down, please?”

Chuck was there in less than 60 seconds, not because he was in a hurry. In fact, Chuck could have been there earlier if he hadn’t been accessorizing. Chuck can be anywhere in the world in less than 60 seconds.

When Chuck arrived, Ms. Burkhard looked very relieved to see him. She said, “Chuck, we really need your help. We entered your information into our bid matching software and I don’t know how to tell you this, but our system crashed. I guess we just weren’t prepared for Chuck Norris to be placed in the mutual selection process. It was likely our fault for assuming the software could handle you. Well, I am sorry to say that the software did not match your bid before it began to inexplicably ooze bullets and blood from the back of the computer. So, I talked to all the groups, and it turns out that they all would like Chuck as a sister. Here are your bid cards.”

Chuck started to flip through the cards, and then became confused. Why was there a squirrel on one of Chuck’s bids? A turtle, too? Was this a joke? Chuck likes jokes about as much as he likes the stepford-posts on HPRL. Chuck counted the cards – there were 26. Chuck asked Ms. Burkhard about it, she replied, “Oh I forgot to tell you. Something else rather unprecedented happen. Your entire PNM group refused to name organizations on their bid card. If there were just a few, we’d just refuse to put them in the system, but each of them wrote “I want what Chuck wants.” The whole situation is rather unheard of, so I started making some calls to find out what to do. Once it got out to the other NPC organizations that Chuck Norris was going through recruitment, suddenly everyone wanted to colonize here if it meant Chuck Norris would be their first new member. While I personally do not think this is the best solution, anything else would risk a complete revolution by the unrepresented sororities. I’m afraid that telling them no would have been the end of NPC! So, I hope you choose wisely, Chuck.

Chuck was blown away. Sure Chuck had something special with kung fu Theta, but what more did he have in common with the other thetas besides politics? Didn’t he want something more out of sisterhood? And sure the Zetas were nice, but Chuck isn’t so sure the members he met were worldly enough. And while the Pi Phis were thoughtful, did Chuck really want to make a lifetime commitment over a gun-cookie? Chuck had made forum-friends on GC with sisters from all of the groups, and Chuck really didn’t want to limit himself to the sororities on campus. In fact, it started to seem more Chuck-like to bring his entire PNM group with him and start a new chapter on campus with all new Chucktastic traditions.

Chuck didn’t know how he felt as he flipped through the cards. Then… one of the bid cards, in cerulean blue, stood out. It said:

“Chuck, we’d like to invite you to join our Delta Force.”

It went on: “Since 1888, we think our founders were building up for Chuck to take us into the 21st century in style.”

Chuck was touched. Chuck is now proud to become a colonizing new member…





of…













Delta








Delta







Delta!



Chuck thanks everyone for encouraging in the process and hopes that all of Chuck’s GC fans will be happy for him. Chuck looks forward to being a Panhellenic sister to all of his NPC friends. Chuck pledges to protect the entire NPC from the Axis of Evil!