living together before marriage: opinions?

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

Originally Posted by 33girl

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

Yeah I get what you're saying now, and I think we agree. When I first read it, I thought you were essentially saying that by making an effort not to be sloppy, it indicated "obvious problems" with the relationship. My thinking was that, in the same way I want to always make an attempt to look my best, I want my place to always look its best. Of course I'm not going to freak out if my boyfriend sees me in sweatpants or my apartment isn't always clean, but if schedules/health/etc. permit, I'll always make an effort.

This thread has been really interesting to read so far and it has given me a lot to think about. In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

I know this is an opinion thread, but I don't think unmarried couples should buy homes together. There is a one in a million chance that they will end up getting married and it will work, but odds are that it will not and things will get nasty.

I had a friend from HS who dated a guy for a yr and a half, and he covinced her to buy and fix up a house with him, with the rationale that they "were just going to end up getting married and moving anyway." So she did it, and both of their names were on the title, loan, etc. He had just graduated from college and gotten his first job, so he figured he was just going to stay in Akron.

Well a much better job pops up in Vegas. My friend had just started working her dream job here, so she figured he wasn't taking it. Wrong. They argued about it for weeks. Finally, he told her that he loved her but that starting his career was more important and she could either move to Vegas, or stay there by herself and pay the mortgage. She refused, and he pouted around for a couple of days. One weekend, she woke up and he was gone, and she was left to pay for this house (that she never really like but only got because it was with him).

She had no recourse whatsover. She couldn't sue him for alimony or anything to help pay for it. She ended up having to ask her parents to help her.

[AGDee]

Yeah, I got messed up by us buying a house together before marriage too. He put the down payment down for it and I lived there and paid all the bills for it until we got married (about 10 months). I did all the "home improvements" on it too. When we got divorced, I got less equity because he had done the down payment. I also got the credit card debt which included carpet and linoleum for the house he was keeping! Yeah, I needed a better lawyer.

And, this is a slight hijack and kind of funny story about my ex and the splitting of household chores. I asked him which rooms he wanted to clean on a regular basis.. to split things up between us. He identified one of the bathrooms and our bedroom. That bathroom became "his" bathroom and I never ever used it. About 4 years after we got married, he told me that bathroom needed a new toilet. I asked why. He said "The one in there is brown." I suggested that he CLEAN it. Ewwwwwwwwwww.