living together before marriage: opinions?

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by lilsunshine214

How many times has someone seemed amazingly wonderful on a first date and then the charm wears off? Same thing. I think that many times when you're spending time at someone's apartment it's like when your parents come to visit: the idea of "My place always sparkles like this" when you know that day was the first time you vacuumed in weeks and there's a certain closet that shouldn't be opened because of how much crap you shoved in there.

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship.

Again, I KNOW my boyfriend and certainly know how he keeps his apartment. I know he keeps every knicknack given to him and that he doesn't load his dishes into the dishwasher in a timely manner. And I don't need to live with him full time to know that stuff. I also don't need to live with him to know how he manages his finances, because we TALK about that kind of stuff. I know how much money he makes and how much his bills cost, and I even know how much he puts in his 401k...and we didn't have to move in together to learn that stuff.

My point is that before you move in with someone, you should already know all this stuff about them. If you're not at the point in your relationship where you feel comfortable being yourself around him/her, you're either not ready yet or that person isn't the right person for you.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

[33girl]

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

[ThetaDancer]

^^^
Ahhhh...got it.

That was well-worded and I agree with you.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

Originally Posted by 33girl

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

Yeah I get what you're saying now, and I think we agree. When I first read it, I thought you were essentially saying that by making an effort not to be sloppy, it indicated "obvious problems" with the relationship. My thinking was that, in the same way I want to always make an attempt to look my best, I want my place to always look its best. Of course I'm not going to freak out if my boyfriend sees me in sweatpants or my apartment isn't always clean, but if schedules/health/etc. permit, I'll always make an effort.

This thread has been really interesting to read so far and it has given me a lot to think about. In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

In a very extreme example of this topic...one of my best friends just announced two days ago that she is buying a house with her boyfriend, whom she just met in May. It's honestly hard for me to be happy for her because I can't stop thinking about the likely mess she's getting herself into.

I know this is an opinion thread, but I don't think unmarried couples should buy homes together. There is a one in a million chance that they will end up getting married and it will work, but odds are that it will not and things will get nasty.

I had a friend from HS who dated a guy for a yr and a half, and he covinced her to buy and fix up a house with him, with the rationale that they "were just going to end up getting married and moving anyway." So she did it, and both of their names were on the title, loan, etc. He had just graduated from college and gotten his first job, so he figured he was just going to stay in Akron.

Well a much better job pops up in Vegas. My friend had just started working her dream job here, so she figured he wasn't taking it. Wrong. They argued about it for weeks. Finally, he told her that he loved her but that starting his career was more important and she could either move to Vegas, or stay there by herself and pay the mortgage. She refused, and he pouted around for a couple of days. One weekend, she woke up and he was gone, and she was left to pay for this house (that she never really like but only got because it was with him).

She had no recourse whatsover. She couldn't sue him for alimony or anything to help pay for it. She ended up having to ask her parents to help her.

[AGDee]

Yeah, I got messed up by us buying a house together before marriage too. He put the down payment down for it and I lived there and paid all the bills for it until we got married (about 10 months). I did all the "home improvements" on it too. When we got divorced, I got less equity because he had done the down payment. I also got the credit card debt which included carpet and linoleum for the house he was keeping! Yeah, I needed a better lawyer.

And, this is a slight hijack and kind of funny story about my ex and the splitting of household chores. I asked him which rooms he wanted to clean on a regular basis.. to split things up between us. He identified one of the bathrooms and our bedroom. That bathroom became "his" bathroom and I never ever used it. About 4 years after we got married, he told me that bathroom needed a new toilet. I asked why. He said "The one in there is brown." I suggested that he CLEAN it. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

Again, I KNOW my boyfriend and certainly know how he keeps his apartment. I know he keeps every knicknack given to him and that he doesn't load his dishes into the dishwasher in a timely manner. And I don't need to live with him full time to know that stuff. I also don't need to live with him to know how he manages his finances, because we TALK about that kind of stuff. I know how much money he makes and how much his bills cost, and I even know how much he puts in his 401k...and we didn't have to move in together to learn that stuff.

My point is that before you move in with someone, you should already know all this stuff about them. If you're not at the point in your relationship where you feel comfortable being yourself around him/her, you're either not ready yet or that person isn't the right person for you.

I'm not even talking about that type of stuff - finances, etc... My parents have been married for 30 years and they still fight about how to fold the towels - it's little things like that. Maybe it's because we're in a LDR, but I had no idea that my boyfriend worked until 11 almost every night because I didn't ask him where he was when I called him - but I sure noticed he wasn't home all the nights I ate dinner by myself. I also didn't know he was incapable of putting dirty laundry in a hamper, because on the weekends when I'd come to visit it all magically made it in there.

It didn't make or break our relationship, but I'm glad we got a lot of the petty little fights out of the way now because I think it would make your first year of marriage a little more stressful to have them then.