living together before marriage: opinions?

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

For my money, good premarital counseling is more important that anything else.

Word.

*My future career*

[KSUViolet06]

This is pretty good discussion. I never knew there were so many perspectives on the issue.

Sidenote: I also think that good pre-marital counseling is a great idea for couples.

[GeekyPenguin]

I lived with two guys, but both times it was a short-term arrangement. The summer after my freshman year I lived with my boyfriend during the week because I was taking summer classes in the town he was living and it made the most sense to do rather than driving an hour each way from my mom and dad's house. It seemed fine but it was obviously for a short-term duration so I'm not sure what a good reflection of what us actually living together would have been like.

I lived with my current boyfriend this summer because I was working in his town and it was a weird experience. We've been dating a long time so I was pretty sure I knew all his annoying quirks - wrong! You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship. If we can't get married in the church because we shacked up, then so be it. My parents got married by a judge and they've been together thirty years.

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship. If we can't get married in the church because we shacked up, then so be it. My parents got married by a judge and they've been together thirty years.

I agree! Sleeping over on weekends wouldn't make me comfortable enough to fart in front of him, ya know? Gross, but true.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by lilsunshine214

How many times has someone seemed amazingly wonderful on a first date and then the charm wears off? Same thing. I think that many times when you're spending time at someone's apartment it's like when your parents come to visit: the idea of "My place always sparkles like this" when you know that day was the first time you vacuumed in weeks and there's a certain closet that shouldn't be opened because of how much crap you shoved in there.

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship.

Again, I KNOW my boyfriend and certainly know how he keeps his apartment. I know he keeps every knicknack given to him and that he doesn't load his dishes into the dishwasher in a timely manner. And I don't need to live with him full time to know that stuff. I also don't need to live with him to know how he manages his finances, because we TALK about that kind of stuff. I know how much money he makes and how much his bills cost, and I even know how much he puts in his 401k...and we didn't have to move in together to learn that stuff.

My point is that before you move in with someone, you should already know all this stuff about them. If you're not at the point in your relationship where you feel comfortable being yourself around him/her, you're either not ready yet or that person isn't the right person for you.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

[33girl]

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

[ThetaDancer]

^^^
Ahhhh...got it.

That was well-worded and I agree with you.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by ThetaDancer

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

Originally Posted by 33girl

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

I think you both got what I mean. I'm not suggesting you make no effort to keep the place tidy, I'm just saying that if you are afraid to have your serious boyfriend over because the place isn't tidy, yes, I think there's a problem there (assuming the place isn't scary). Some of you may have time to stay at home and clean a lot, and if you plan on being a stay-at-home wife/mom, maybe you won't ever have to have a messy house, but a significant other should be able to see your messy apartment every once in a while without judging you for it. Realistically, my place is probably never going to be spic-n-span every day, so I'd rather he see that when we're dating than hide it until we're married.

My place is always clean, but I have days where I don't have time to pick my shoes up off the floor or to fold the laundry. And I just can't imagine freaking out about that to the point where I'd tell my boyfriend he can't come over or shoving it all in a closet. That just wouldn't be me, and frankly, my boyfriend comes over so much that it's not exactly a special occasion the way it is when my married friends and family come over. He's the same way with his place.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

Again, I KNOW my boyfriend and certainly know how he keeps his apartment. I know he keeps every knicknack given to him and that he doesn't load his dishes into the dishwasher in a timely manner. And I don't need to live with him full time to know that stuff. I also don't need to live with him to know how he manages his finances, because we TALK about that kind of stuff. I know how much money he makes and how much his bills cost, and I even know how much he puts in his 401k...and we didn't have to move in together to learn that stuff.

My point is that before you move in with someone, you should already know all this stuff about them. If you're not at the point in your relationship where you feel comfortable being yourself around him/her, you're either not ready yet or that person isn't the right person for you.

I'm not even talking about that type of stuff - finances, etc... My parents have been married for 30 years and they still fight about how to fold the towels - it's little things like that. Maybe it's because we're in a LDR, but I had no idea that my boyfriend worked until 11 almost every night because I didn't ask him where he was when I called him - but I sure noticed he wasn't home all the nights I ate dinner by myself. I also didn't know he was incapable of putting dirty laundry in a hamper, because on the weekends when I'd come to visit it all magically made it in there.

It didn't make or break our relationship, but I'm glad we got a lot of the petty little fights out of the way now because I think it would make your first year of marriage a little more stressful to have them then.

[AGDee]

Some of the problem with pre-marital counseling and relying on discussing the issues is that sometimes one of the people involved may say one thing during these discussions but then do another. I'll give you one example.. money. My second husband appeared to be very responsible with his money. He had a lot of money invested for retirement when he was only 30. He had enough saved in the bank for a down payment on a house. He had a decent car, good suits and was pretty generous for birthdays, Christmas, etc. He agreed that if we both worked, we both made decisions about how the money was spent. So, what was the problem?? Well, he had been living at home his whole life and was working as an accountant for 5 years while living at home with NO living expenses the entire time. When we got married, had a mortgage and a baby within a year (diapers, formula, day care, new wardrobe for baby every few months as baby grew, etc), we had to live on a budget. Mr. Responsible with Money was a mess. He didn't know how to live on a budget.. he never had to before. He spent money like it was water, always using the ATM card and never putting the amounts in the checkbook. What a nightmare it became. Oh the fights about it! And, it was all my fault, because he didn't have money problems before.. so it must be my fault. I must be spending too much. To this day, he blames me for the debt he ended up incurring because I was buying groceries and clothes for the kids. Without sharing finances before, there was no way to foresee this.

Just an example...