living together before marriage: opinions?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

But every study I have ever seen says that couples who live together prior to marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than those who do not. For what that's worth. (And I don't know that I've seen any statistics for couples that move in together while engages vs. those who move in together with no specific marriage plans.)

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

I'm just trying to make sure I'm reading your post right - we're pretty much saying the same thing here, right?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I'm sure you realize this, but I have a feeling that the statistics have less to do with the actual act of moving in together, and more to do with the values, expectations, and attitudes of those who move in together.

Without question. I haven't seen a study that really examines "why" -- just that the bald statistic is that marriages where the couple lived together prior to marriage or more likely to end in divorce than those where the couple did not live together. Personally, I have a suspicion that KSig is right:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

There are myriad problems with these studies, mostly because the correlation is about as far from the causation as you can get - and ironically, everything I've read is about the opposite of Drole's point, in that those who don't live together are also those philosophically opposed to divorce, or determined to "fight through" when others might feel a split is the best option.

As to this:

I also can't think of one good reason why couples that live together first would divorce any more than those who do not other than personal issues, at least not at the rate studies suggest . . . .

the one other hypothesis I have heard is that couples who live together before marriage may carry over from the cohabitation into the marriage a feeling of "well, one of us can just move out if it gets to that." Granted, that may be very close if not connected to the personal issues you mention.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I'm just trying to make sure I'm reading your post right - we're pretty much saying the same thing here, right?

We're definitely on the same path, yep.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

the one other hypothesis I have heard is that couples who live together before marriage may carry over from the cohabitation into the marriage a feeling of "well, one of us can just move out if it gets to that." Granted, that may be very close if not connected to the personal issues you mention.

That's definitely a possibility, and it does pass the 'smell test' on some level. I'm not sure that this attitude should "outweigh," say, religious indoctrination or family pressures, though - that's why I worded mine in the way I did. While those feelings might be present, it is really hard for me to take it any further.

Besides this, there's a pretty good chance that the current divorce rate is closer to the "true" rate - that is, people aren't as likely to stay in shitty marriages, and we're actually better off for it - which makes this whole thing kind of a non-issue, as those who meet the 'profile' for staying together/living apart can do what they wish, while everyone else does what they think is right, too . . . that's actually much more interesting to me, anyway.

[Munchkin03]

Even after my experience, I'm still pretty torn.

I moved in with my boyfriend after 5 years of dating, after we were both out of school and were ready to take the "next step." In preparing for engagement and wedding, I realized that I just didn't want to do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to get married--I just didn't want to get married to him. Long story short, we ended up breaking up and going our separate ways. We're still great friends, it's just that although he was a good partner for me as an 18-24 year old student, he wasn't any good for me as a young urban professional. My relationship wasn't growing with me. If we had gotten married instead of living together, I'd probably be divorced or headed there.

I'm not against living together--I don't believe it's what caused me to break up with my ex--but I wouldn't do it again.