living together before marriage: opinions?

[AGDee]

I think it's a huge decision, but I would never marry again without living with him first. I disagree that it's not a good test. I don't think I would have married either (two) of my ex-husbands had I lived with them first. The things that made me end up hating them would have come out if we'd lived together first, but there was no way for me to see the issues before actually living with them. I don't think you can know a person until you've lived with them. I know many people who lived with their best friend from high school when they went to college and ended up hating each other after living together. I realize a friendship is different in some ways to a marriage, but again, there are just some things you can't know until you've lived together, especially if one of you is living at home until you marry.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I disagree that it's not a good test.

I agree with her disagreement. I take cars for a test drive before I buy them, too.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

I agree with her disagreement. I take cars for a test drive before I buy them, too.

Professionally the problems I've learned about co-habitation seem to outweigh the benefits. Not necessarily for everyone but in many cases.

Off the top of my head the biggest is that there's a sense that it is sort of a "test" and not a commitment can lead to a couple simply breaking up instead of working on any problems. And that breaking up isn't as "simple" because you're sharing a space. Though this occurs in marriages as well, the sense of commitment tends to lead more people to work through problems and if they do divorce there's usually legal help involved.

YMMV of course.

[chitownxo]

My husband and I moved in together right after we got engaged. We looked at it as more of a money-saving thing than a test. After all, we were paying two rents, had two grocery, cable, electric, etc. bills, we thought it made more financial sense to combine all of that. It was a good thing for us -- even though we were practically living together before I officially moved to his place (we spent weeknights at my place, weekends at his), I didn't know all of his quirks, nor he mine. If we were to divorce, and I found Mr. Right Version 2.0, I'd do the same thing.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Off the top of my head the biggest is that there's a sense that it is sort of a "test" and not a commitment can lead to a couple simply breaking up instead of working on any problems. And that breaking up isn't as "simple" because you're sharing a space. Though this occurs in marriages as well, the sense of commitment tends to lead more people to work through problems and if they do divorce there's usually legal help involved.

^--This is definitely the most common argument you hear about not moving in with someone. I won't dispute it because everyone deals with conflict differently. But as someone said previously, I would rather break up with a boyfriend/fiance than get divorced. (but I do totally respect those that make a decision based on personal values, that's a whole 'nother set of factors that can't -- or shouldn't -- be argued with)

The "we know we're getting married why are we paying 2 rents and cable bills" is one of the more common arguments for those that do move in. And I think it often comes down to where you are in your relationship. That's where hubby & I were, and honestly, I did want to "kick the tires" a bit to see how our living styles/money styles, etc., all would blend. Thus I am of the mindset of the post below:

Originally Posted by chitownxo

My husband and I moved in together right after we got engaged. We looked at it as more of a money-saving thing than a test. After all, we were paying two rents, had two grocery, cable, electric, etc. bills, we thought it made more financial sense to combine all of that. It was a good thing for us -- even though we were practically living together before I officially moved to his place (we spent weeknights at my place, weekends at his), I didn't know all of his quirks, nor he mine. If we were to divorce, and I found Mr. Right Version 2.0, I'd do the same thing.

[33girl]

There's a big difference between before you're engaged, and after you're engaged.

A friend of mine sold her car - gave up her apartment - bought expensive furniture - bought pets - because she was under the impression that she and the guy would be together forever (they were not engaged). To make a long story short, he turned out to be the most worthless sack of shit in the history of worthless sacks of shit and dumped her. She ended up HAVING to buy a house and getting way in over her head monetarily because she couldn't find an apartment that would accomodate her dogs. I know he could have still done the same thing had they been engaged, but maybe at least then she'd have had a ring she could sell.

With my ex, we went on vacation together and stayed over at each others' houses enough that I think we knew how the other liked to live. I know he stays up till 4, he knows I leave my shoes all over the house. We both knew and understood the importance of having alone time (this is something some guys/girls just do not get) and being respectful of the other person you live with, even if you ARE exchanging bodily fluids w/ them. It's all a moot point now, of course, but it taught me a lot.

I don't think saving money is a good enough excuse to do it. You can know how someone handles his/her money without living with them.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

^--This is definitely the most common argument you hear about not moving in with someone. I won't dispute it because everyone deals with conflict differently. But as someone said previously, I would rather break up with a boyfriend/fiance than get divorced. (but I do totally respect those that make a decision based on personal values, that's a whole 'nother set of factors that can't -- or shouldn't -- be argued with)

The "we know we're getting married why are we paying 2 rents and cable bills" is one of the more common arguments for those that do move in. And I think it often comes down to where you are in your relationship. That's where hubby & I were, and honestly, I did want to "kick the tires" a bit to see how our living styles/money styles, etc., all would blend. Thus I am of the mindset of the post below:

Indeed, as I said I've toyed with it myself, and even though it's not right for me right now, I'm not sure where I'll be in a year or two when I'm done with my degree.