Getting over a serious ex

[ThetaLove]

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

[AlexMack]

It gets easier, provided that it was an amicable breakup. Of course, I still wanted to be friends with my last ex but he chose to hate me and cut me out of his life for whatever reason. Apparently enjoying a new college is a crime?

Anyway-my advice is to cut all contact for awhile. It will hurt pretty badly (like it's not already) but it's the only way to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from the other person and remember that you can't use them as support anymore.
Also, go do anything you love and enjoy yourself. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby or sport you've been wanting to try, just throw yourself into something completely. I'd limit wallowing to about a week tops after the breakup.

[mystikchick]

It's true, it depends on what kind of breakup you had. My ex and I were together for three years, and when we split it was while we were both abroad and all the cracks that had slowly been appearing that I didn't want to acknowledge blew wide open. The thing is though, once I got over the initial hurt, I realized that a) I missed having him as a friend, and b) we really should have broken up way before we actually did.

It hurt like hell to break up, I don't think I've EVER cried that much in my life, not even when I found out we were moving to India my freshman year of HS. So I blocked him online and on Skype just to give myself some breathing space, and when I felt ready after about a week (I think), I started to write him emails, and a few weeks later (two, maybe three), I unblocked him online so we could start talking again.

The initial post-breakup period was rough, and it was a bit weird seeing him again in person over winter, but I dealt with it and moved on. I love the guy dearly and he's always going to have a place in my heart, but I'm not in love with him anymore. Still, there was residual sting for about a month or two afterwards that caught me offguard.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

So, it sounds like he is being told some things by some people... So, he believes he needs to cut the ties because he does not want to be hurt if you change your mind about your "commitment" to him. Really, I don't know how you get a military man to commit to the kind of relationship you desire.

But the reality is, the military owns him and will do as "they" please.

What do for yourself? Porkfriedrice has good ideas. Breathe easier like you want and think about what you want to do and your future.

Immediately, I would decide what kind of contact you want with him. Do not let him be the deciding factor on the kind of interaction you want. I would only keep in contact with him after you have forgiven yourself to showing someone else your vunerabilities. Relationships are baring your naked soul of yourself. That is why you must be careful who you show it to.

PM me if you would like. You can take what I say or leave it. Just trying to help. Take care of yourself.

[James]

Not to be cliche, but you can only truly be friends with an EX when you know longer want to be friends with them. Its a catch-22.

Thats why you'll hear stories from people like they stopped talking/seeing their EX for like a year or multiple years and accidentally ran into each other and slowly developed a new friendship . . . which usually doesn't invovle being "best friends" i.e. more or less constant contact . . if you talk to an ex several times a week . . . well that doesn't seem really heavy on the EX part.

When you keep talking early into the break up, someone is always forcing it, maybe both. Its understandable, there is definite emotional dependancy to any relationship and the strain is much like withdrawal, it hurts. It can hurt so much its like being sick. And people will do almost anything to avoid being sick. And every time you talk to an EX it alleviates that illness a little . . . its still bad but often not as bad.

But, if you establish a relationship right away and end up forcing something . . it creates a weird kind of cathexis that sustains the old relationship in some pale imitation of itself, and make it really hard to have a new and good relationship with someone new and worthy.

If we were writing it as a screenplay, you would establish a friendship with an EX that would influence all your future relationships negatively, all your friends would see it, but you would deny it. "Oh we are just friends."

Until finally you met someone really worthy and your relationship with your EX ruined it . . . and you would finally realize what was happening but it would be too late for your new relationship and your old one . . well you an never go back. Leaving you older, wiser and alone

Bad movie.

The variations are even worse. The new guy forgives you and takes you anyway. What a loser because you would have already ruined it. Or you go back to your ex . . another loser deal.

Sigh. Note: "You" in the above is not meant for anyone particular in this thread.

[VandalSquirrel]

Obviously it depends on the two people involved, but I'm friends with guys I was previously involved with, and not friends with others. One guy in particular I tried repeatedly to be friends with after the fact, I had no desire to be in a relationship, and it helped that we lived far from each other. However it didn't work because he is just a crappy friend. I saw that in general he wasn't a good friend to anyone, and even if we never had dated he'd still be a major flake and a waste of my time. Then there is another guy I dated, and we run in some of the same social circles so we're very lucky that we're mature enough to let it go, and even laugh about how mismatched we were as a couple, but are really better off as friends.

The key for me is to not want to date them anymore, to not harbor any anger about things that happened (or be looking for an apology, agreeing to not discuss anything that went on ever again was helpful), and to honor the qualities that make a good friend, if they have any. Know when to cut your losses and move on.

[ThetaLove]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So, it sounds like he is being told some things by some people... So, he believes he needs to cut the ties because he does not want to be hurt if you change your mind about your "commitment" to him. Really, I don't know how you get a military man to commit to the kind of relationship you desire.

But the reality is, the military owns him and will do as "they" please.

I really don't know where you are getting that. That isn't at all what happened.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by ThetaLove

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

I don't know if I read it right, sorry if I made an assumption. I just don't like to see people hurt from love heartache. I apologize for my presumption.

[ThetaLove]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I don't know if I read it right, sorry if I made an assumption. I just don't like to see people hurt from love heartache. I apologize for my presumption.

That's ok. I was really curious where that assumption came from because it was off the wall. Thank you for the apology.

It's ok I understand you don't like to see people hurt.... I'm hurt because the relationship is over of course. But I truly know it is for the best.

[PrettyBoy]

I don't know Thetalove's reason for the break up, but what I can't figure out is when a man and a woman break it off, and say it's for the best. Well, I can see if the relationship is jacked, then it's for the best, but if everything is going good, why break up? See, that's why I cut off all ties. Why do people think you have to be friends with your X?

This is just me, but if I were you, I would tell your X it's over period. I would say don't call me, don't look me up, and don't ask to see me. Let's just have no contact whatsoever, so have a nice life. Then I would move on to someone else.

[AlwaysSAI]

ThetaLove,

It's tough right now, but it will get better.

My most recent ex who was also my most serious relationship have been broken up for about 10 months now. It was really tough in the beginning. I spent about six months just putting myself and my life back together without him.

I'm not completely over him, but I know that I'll never go back. [He (who is 22) left me to be with a 16 yr old girl and now after that stupidity passed, he realizes what a mistake he made and wants me back.]

The biggest mistake I made was making my entire life around him. I never did anything or spent time with anyone without running it by him first. I thought that if I gave him everything I had to give he would always love me.

Just, be strong. You have your sisters and your family and your GC family here around you. It won't be easy, but it will get better.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

ThetaLove,

It's tough right now, but it will get better.

My most recent ex who was also my most serious relationship have been broken up for about 10 months now. It was really tough in the beginning. I spent about six months just putting myself and my life back together without him.

I'm not completely over him, but I know that I'll never go back. [He (who is 22) left me to be with a 16 yr old girl and now after that stupidity passed, he realizes what a mistake he made and wants me back.]

The biggest mistake I made was making my entire life around him. I never did anything or spent time with anyone without running it by him first. I thought that if I gave him everything I had to give he would always love me.

Just, be strong. You have your sisters and your family and your GC family here around you. It won't be easy, but it will get better.

AlwaysSAI said it well. I know with me, I dated but no one seriously until I met my ex. He was two years younger than me and we were together for over a year, and we were soooo in loooovvveeee lol. We lived together last summer, and he went back to school and I had graduated, we broke up in October. It was a mutual breakup, just realizing that things couldn't be the same, long distance was too hard. long story short, my best friend started sleeping with him while he and i were still sleeping togehter even though we broke up. i found out a month later. i hate him. lol and i don't care for her either.
even through all of that, I still appreciate the time we spent together, b/c it made me a better person (though he isn't... i'm not bitter! ) I'm still picking up the pieces, but not really because of him, but because of me, I have to get my own life together. but i digress.

my point is, things will get better, one step at a time, one day at time. There is no set period of time to get over an ex, it's different for everyone. I recommend using your family, friends and GC and getting involved in other activities. that's one thing that I should have done and plan on doing, is taking classes or doing something that I love... instead of sitting home, moping and eating...

[ZTA_Lover]

OP,

I am really sorry to hear about your breakup-- I know exactly how you feel, I was with my boyfriend for 8 months (doesn't seem like long but we were attached at the hip and i was in LOVE!) and then we suddenly broke up. He goes to school 6 hours away and that was mostly the reason- long distance is really tough! He was very cold about it though, and basically cut off all ties to me, wrote me off, and started completely ignoring me. and when you go from being completely in love and planning your life together to absolutely nothing, it freaking blows.

I was absolutely devastated and kinda went into a little depression period- I slowly got over it, with the help of my friends and trying to take my mind off of it... each day little by little until I hardly thought about him anymore. But I guess I never really got fully over it.

Plot Twist- He has since come to his senses ( he apologized immensely and is still in the process of winning back my love and trust..) so now we are back together...

is there any way ya'll will ever get back together? How long did yall date?

some people think ex's cant ever be friends because of too many emotions involved, but i guess it just depends on a lot of things- how long/serious the relationship was, and how both people feel about the possibility of being friends.

sorry to ramble on about my life story- but PM me if you want to talk about anything!!

[justabeachbrat]

I was with ex for nearly a year, it was a very chilly mutual breakup. Things he initially found attractive, enduring, became issues. I am impulsive, a tad too direct, but have been working on it, and am a wash-and-wear girl, not really into makeup, clothes (I am not sloppy, just casual), and tend to wing it.

He is/was very organized, and was the first professional (an attorney) I'd dated in quite awhile, making my mother happy.

I hadn't seen him for almost a year, and he is with the new girl, very polished (my aunt's description).

My ex's mom and mine, and an aunt are in the same local ladies social club. There is an event they are holding this weekend, and a few months ago, my mom asked me to attend and "represent" the family. She and my aunt are on a cruise.

And joy, for joy, I have learned the ex and his current lady are attending. A buddy from college is my date, I need his sense of humor. This all occurs while I am moving. I will stop, haul to the salon, change and then off to the party.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I don't know Thetalove's reason for the break up, but what I can't figure out is when a man and a woman break it off, and say it's for the best. Well, I can see if the relationship is jacked, then it's for the best, but if everything is going good, why break up? See, that's why I cut off all ties. Why do people think you have to be friends with your X?

i tend to agree, i only have tried to "remain friends" if the relationship was still pretty much brand new and we mutually agree that friendship is as far as it should go.