"The Dreaded Phone Call"

[ThetaPrincess24]

if/when my daughter goes through recruitment and the chapte3r decides to release her, I hope to hell they would call me before my daughter finds out about it so I can be prepared when she calls me upset.....I see both sides of the issue, but I think it's courteous to notify the alumnae family member if a legacy is cut.

I also agree with the previous statement that a PNM would not be alone if devasted about being cut from a legacy house (or any other) because they have their Rho Chi for support and guidance during recruitment. That is the job of the Rho Chi (or whatever they call them anymore).

[ZTA72]

I would have appreciated a call if my daughters had been released by my sorority. I read some experiences on the Zeta website of how recruitment may not turn out postively for the PNMs and I was basically prepared for anything to happen. My daughters went through recruitment last year at a very large southern university. I, also, went to a very large southern university but not this one. I really tried to keep an open mind and not influence their decision at all. They called me after each round and described the process to me which has really changed since my " rush" in the dark ages. Their ZTA pref party really was quite beautiful and brought back some really sweet memories went they were recounting it over the phone. I did get my hopes up after the pref round that maybe one of them would pledge ZTA. They were fortunate enough not to be released by any groups during the recruitment process and although they preffed ZTA, another group was their first choice. Was I sad? A little bit...although they are thrilled with their choice and for that reason so am I. Some of their high school friends did go ZTA at other schools which made me very happy.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by ThetaPrincess24

if/when my daughter goes through recruitment and the chapter decides to release her, I hope to hell they would call me before my daughter finds out about it so I can be prepared when she calls me upset.....I see both sides of the issue, but I think it's courteous to notify the alumnae family member if a legacy is cut.

I agree...I'm just kinda REAL glad my chapter was no longer there when daughter went through and I didn't have to face rejection...on her part or theirs...

[kathyc]

I can say from experience that it is gut wrenching to get the hysterical phone call from your daughter after your sorority has cut her. My daughter was cut after third round (something we NEVER did when I was in school. Always by second round) I was not notified and was completely blindsided by it. So much so that I had to regain my own composure before I could help my darling daughter who was in so much pain. She ended up pledging another group and is completely happy. I was so ticked at my sorority for not having the courtesy to let me break it to my own child. Fast forward to this year-my roomate's daughter was also cut from our own chapter after third round. (what is it with this third round business?) She did in fact get a call and instead of a post card her daughter was able to hear her mother say "I'm so sorry, baby but...". Trust me, the disappointment was much easier to manage. I know that they are busy and there ar so many girls but I believe a phone call could be managed.

[WregleXO]

My sister is the chapter advisor at Auburn and she told me that all XO alumni that have a child going through rush at are sent a communication before rush asking them how they wanted to be contacted if their legacy was cut - either phone call or email (I think that she preferred the email method so she didn't have to talk to angry moms).

[NutBrnHair]

Please let's be cautious about posting private membership selection information. Statements might not be 100% accurate for the current time and also, it's private information.

Thanks.

[Aphigal]

I think this is a hard situation. I understand the pain of Mom's not being notified in a manner they expect, yet at the sametime as a International Recruitment Volunteer am frustrated that our EO burns more time on dealing with released legacies for weeks, months, and oh yes years after recruitment instead of focusing on best servicing the needs of the chapters.

Many NPC groups are changing thier policies in light of release figures, more legacies than Q and modified forms of recruitment (what if your first invite party is pref - some require a legacy be invited to the first invitational round- quite a problem there). Expect more changes and more unahppy alums unfortunately.

[bejazd]

Well, we've done this to ourselves and it stinks. When we all as NPC sisters realize and start singing "we're all in this together, once we know that we are ...we can all believe we are stars!" then we'll stop cannibalizing support for our individual groups from all those alums who have loved and supported their sisterhoods for years...only to be left with a nasty taste in their mouth after their daughters go through recruitment.

I've said it here before and I'll say it forever. Every PNM with an NPC connection should be considered an NPC legacy and thumbs up to her...but let each PNM and each chapter stand on her own merit and be free to make their own choices and be supported by all.

[lyrelyre]

Originally Posted by ThetaPrincess24

if/when my daughter goes through recruitment and the chapte3r decides to release her, I hope to hell they would call me before my daughter finds out about it so I can be prepared when she calls me upset.....I see both sides of the issue, but I think it's courteous to notify the alumnae family member if a legacy is cut.

I also agree with the previous statement that a PNM would not be alone if devasted about being cut from a legacy house (or any other) because they have their Rho Chi for support and guidance during recruitment. That is the job of the Rho Chi (or whatever they call them anymore).

I must not have articulated it clearly enough. The coordinator was concerned that the member (mother, sister, grandmother, etc...) would call the PNM and tell her she was released before the recruitment counselor. In that case, she could be alone when she was informed.

I believe this has been mentioned on the other thread: I, as recruitment advisor, strongly encourage the actives to give the release of a legacy a great deal of thought. I ask them to think about how they would feel if this was their younger sister or daughter. Releasing a legacy can make a member cut ties with the chapter (and sometimes the entire organization). Likewise, I remind them that bidding a legacy can really encourage an alumna to become much more active.

Conversely, I know that it can be frustrating to the members when a woman has never participated in a single alumnae event that we have held, yet expects us to automatically bid her legacy.

[AlphaFrog]

You know, I keep thinking about this...and I know my daughter won't be rushing for another 15 years, so I might feel differently then, but I still don't get why women get so upset over that phonecall. When they make that phone call, you are both sisters, discussing private membership selection information. We don't share closed/private information with our legacies about the meaning of our letters, symbols, ritual info, etc...why do we end up sharing private membership selection info with them.

If you read threads over in the D9 forums, you'll see that most of those ladies take a "If my daughter is good enough to get into MY sorority attitude". One AKA even mentioned that her daughter asked when she would get to be an AKA, and the mother replied "IF you get to be an AKA, just cause Momma made it, doesn't mean you will...". Now, I'm not jaded enough to think those mothers wouldn't be upset if their daughter doesn't make it...but they set their daughters up to KNOW that it's not an automatic thing, and they still have to work for it...which I think does them a huge favor in the end.

[AGDee]

After dedicating as many years of my life to my sorority in numerous (somewhat high profile) positions, I certainly would hope that I would be notified if my daughter was released from an Alpha Gam chapter. I would want to work through my own disappointment before having to help her deal with hers. If the kid continues on the path she's on now (4.0 GPA, marching band, Girl Scout, National Junior Honor Society and active in her church youth group and gets along with just about everybody she meets), she'd be an asset to any chapter. Granted, she'll probably go to a northern school where there are NOT more legacies going through recruitment than quota, so that wouldn't be an issue. As of right now, she very much wants to be an Alpha Gam, but she is also considering schools that don't have Alpha Gam chapters. It's entirely possible that she would choose a different group herself, but it would be nice if it was her choice!

As far as the school's argument that they wouldn't want her to be alone when she found out, in most of the recruitment stories we see on here, people sit at home waiting to see if they get "the phone call" that they have been released or didn't get a bid. Most of those women are alone when they find out, so I don't see how this is different. Additionally, if the mother/grandma/etc. is notified ahead of time, they could potentially be there to help the woman with the situation.

In my experience, the phone call that is made doesn't tell the person specifics about why the legacy was released so you're not really sharing private membership selection information. You're simply letting the initiated member know before the PNM finds out. It's a courtesy.

ETA: I'm only talking about legacies, not every woman recommended. If I wrote a rec for someone, I would not expect a phone call. For my daughter though? You bet I would expect one!

[alrphimu]

As an active, I'm sure I don't really see the full spectrum of this. Yes, when and if I have a daughter and when and if she decides to rush, I would be upset if Phi Mu cut her. However, just because a PNM is a legacy doesn't mean she has the correct personality for the respective chapter. I've seen legacies come through and their older sister/mother/aunt was a WONDERFUL attribute to the chapter, however the PNM really would be better suited in a different chapter on our campus. That being said, we may not release these girls, but if a legacy does get cut, it's silly for her mother to cut ties completely or be upset with the chapter...it's looking out for the best interest of her daughter.

As one of my Pi Chis (that's what we call Rho Chis) said, "Who really knows which chapter is best suited for you? Your mother, your best friend, or the chapter?"

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by alrphimu

As an active, I'm sure I don't really see the full spectrum of this. Yes, when and if I have a daughter and when and if she decides to rush, I would be upset if Phi Mu cut her. However, just because a PNM is a legacy doesn't mean she has the correct personality for the respective chapter. I've seen legacies come through and their older sister/mother/aunt was a WONDERFUL attribute to the chapter, however the PNM really would be better suited in a different chapter on our campus. That being said, we may not release these girls, but if a legacy does get cut, it's silly for her mother to cut ties completely or be upset with the chapter...it's looking out for the best interest of her daughter.

As one of my Pi Chis (that's what we call Rho Chis) said, "Who really knows which chapter is best suited for you? Your mother, your best friend, or the chapter?"

I think that, with time as an alumna, you get a slightly different perspective too though. I was part of my collegiate chapter for 4 years but I've been part of Alpha Gamma Delta for 23 years now. Most of the sisters that I am friends with now are NOT from my chapter of initiation. I have become quite fond of sisters from all over the country and see the Fraternity as a whole in a different light.

[annabella]

I'm going to agree with most of what's been said. And the phone calls cannot be pleasant to make- our advisor handles them.

But I think what everyone's forgetting is a practicality issue- often, there just isn't enough TIME. Think about it, in a large recruitment (one large enough where legacy cuts become an issue) making invite lists is a task that will run well into the latenight, even the morning, depending on the chapter and how they do things. It's impossible to know whether or not that alumnae will want to receive a phone call at 2 am. And at my school, girls go meet with their Pi Chis and accept/decline their invites fairly early in the morning, then have a couple hours before the parties start.

When we have to make "the call," we usually make it the next morning. But in that scenario, it's problematic because the PNM has already received her invites, and the alumna may or may not have gotten "the call," from her legacy.

[carnation]

I agree with AGDee; I would hope to get one. Based on what I've seen with competitive recruitments, that rarely happens, though.

I never even thought about the pain of a legacy being cut until my daughters were almost college age; I was too busy raising them. Then as I watched all these local legacies being cut, it came home. Some moms even left their sororities. They knew that it was a possibility, they knew that a lot of legacies were rushing but when someone rejects your child you take it personally.