Phi Delta Phi Fraternity Indicted for Hazing Incidents

[GA-Beta]

Phi Delta Phi Fraternity Indicted for Hazing Incidents

By Knox Harrington ’08
Video Artist

Shock swept through the Law School on Tuesday when Phi Delta Phi Legal Fraternity, long thought to be a largely inactive résumé-padding organization here at UVA, was indicted by an Albemarle County grand jury on multiple misdemeanor and felony charges of hazing.

“After months of covert investigation in concert with University and Charlottesville police forces, we are proud that the citizens of Albemarle County have seen it fit to go forth in bringing the perpetrators of these perverse, heinous crimes to justice,” said county prosecutor Thomas Boyle. No active members of the UVA chapter of Phi Delta Phi have agreed to speak with the Law Weakly.

County officials first learned of the alleged hazing incidents when two mentally scarred, trembling first-year students approached the police late last November. What followed was a marathon disclosure of psychological and physical abuse so profound that by the end the interrogation room was awash in an ankle-deep sea of tears—or alternatively, in the case of the fat kid, cankle-deep. Several participants, dehydrated from hours of bawling, desperately tried to drink the salty fluid, threw up, and had to be briefly hospitalized.

The Law Weakly was able to track down other law students who claim to have been victimized at the sadistic hands of Phi Delta Phi. Speaking on condition of anonymity, they painted a grim picture of life as a pledge of a legal fraternity.

“When I heard that our first Sunday night fireside chat was called ‘Foreseeability from Vosburg to Palsgraf,’ I was a little apprehensive because I’ve never felt like I had a full grasp of Cardozo’s opinion,” recalled one unlucky soul. “What I sure as hell did not foresee was that instead of a scholarly discussion about tort law, they hold us down, call us sickly, disease-ridden genetic mistakes, and have the girls’ soccer team kick us in the shins for two hours.”

“It didn’t stop there,” chimed in another. “One of the brothers stated, ‘It’s time to discuss the Guantanamo torture cases.’ They then shackled us with handcuffs of ‘truth,’ smacked us with paddles of ‘justice,’ and finally gave us what they called the ‘American Way.’ Let’s just say this invasion truly left us shocked and awed.”

County police say the offenses took place in a vast, secret compound hidden in the hills about 30 minutes outside of Charlottesville. Authorities raided the premises on Sunday night to find a sprawling facility decorated with portraits of old faculty, like that guy conspicuously missing an arm, and the dude with the Magnum P.I. mustache; the carpet was also rather poorly laid. Little else was found besides an economy-size box of lambskin condoms, “which we determined, upon further inspection, to be just straight-up revolting,” said Albemarle County Sergeant Ronald Byron.

Despite the paucity of incriminating evidence on site, authorities remain confident that the case against Phi Delta Phi can be won on the sheer gripping nature of the victims’ testimony.

“The first night, I was so excited to have received a bid from Phi Delt,” said one former pledge, still visibly shaken. “Then after being blindfolded and driven around for a while, they made me strip and sit down on what must have been a block of ice, I think, and they told me to, uh…you know?” He blushed. “Which was pretty damn hard to do, sitting on a block of ice and all. Then they took the blindfold off all of a sudden, and Justice Ginsburg was there, pointing at me and stifling her laughter. It was just horrible. She’s my idol.” The young man’s voice went eerily hollow as he added, “And then I looked down, and the stuff they’d given me to use wasn’t K-Y or anything like that…it was Ben Gay. I think I’m sterile now.”

1 April 2007 • Volume 59, April Fools

[33girl]

Originally Posted by GA-Beta

The Law Weakly was able to track down other law students

1 April 2007 • Volume 59, April Fools

Dale, quit posting while you're watching HS soccer on public access. You obviously can't multitask.

[Tom Earp]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Dale, quit posting while you're watching HS soccer on public access. You obviously can't multitask.

Why do you not check yourself and really figure out who this poster is before you make accuasations?

You seem to be presumptious.


It is a post and let it go at that.

[macallan25]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

Why do you not check yourself and really figure out who this poster is before you make accuasations?

You seem to be presumptious.


It is a post and let it go at that.

I wish you would get bucked off a horse.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

Why do you not check yourself and really figure out who this poster is before you make accuasations?
(

I have figured out who this poster is. It's Mr Terry.

[Senusret I]

Yo son, he said you need to check yoself before you get wriggedy wrecked, fooooooooo!

and btw:

ZIPPY!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Senusret I

ZIPPY!

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by macallan25

I wish you would get bucked off a horse.

You just keep them coming.

I still like the bee one a smidge better, but this is pretty fine as well.

[GA-Beta]

The Boston Globe reports:

With a recent study showing that today's college students are the most narcissistic and self-centered in decades, a small chorus of professionals is offering a bold response: We have no one to blame but ourselves.

"Things went too far," says psychologist Jean Twenge, lead author of the study and a professor at San Diego State University.

What she means is that parents overcorrected for the harshness of a previous generation that preferred children to be "seen and not heard." She points to the soccer trophies that coaches hand out to all team members just for showing up rather than to a few for outstanding athleticism, and to a song taught in a colleague's daughter's preschool to the tune of "Frère Jacques": "I am special/I am special/Look at me."

"If you're that child, it's not surprising that pretty soon you start to believe it," says Twenge, whose new book, "Generation Me," examines feelings of entitlement among young Americans.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by GA-Beta

children

soccer

Reading btwn the lines.

[HoustonPhiMu]

I'm a Phi Delta Phi, and that is hilarious.