another wedding thread...bridesmaids questions

[ADqtPiMel]

This is relevant to me right now -- I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding with three other bridesmaids. I'm hosting the bridal shower very soon, as I'm the only local bridesmaid. I've spent approximately $1k on the shower.

My dress was around $200, flight for the bachelorette party was $300 (our lodging is free), and will need to be in a hotel at the wedding venue for four nights at around $150/night, plus a rental car to the wedding. We can wear shoes we already own, but we will need to pay to get our hair done.

[IndianaSigKap]

This is all completely out of hand. I understand that the bride wants to have a special day, but at the expense of your friends, I don't get. The last wedding I was in was such a disaster that I am not sure I'd do it again. The wedding was on a Friday. I couldn't take off because it was our last day of school. Luckily, the principal got teachers to cover my last two classes so I could leave. When I got there, the bridesmaids were getting their make up done by Mary Kay consultant and they expected me to split the total price with them. I had told them I am allergic to Mary Kay early on and if they used MK I wouldn't be participating. Then when it was time to get the bride ready, I was the only one who helped. The other BMs ate and watched the grooms' toddler twins eat Cheetos then try to touch the bride's dress. Only one other BM did anything to help out.

Meanwhile the BM dress was BUTT ugly and couldn't be altered to fit right. It was completely uncomfortable. She insisted we get these ugly cheap shoes that caused blisters on my feet before the ceremony. Thank god my dress came in wrong twice and I got a refund each time, so I ended up getting it for $65. My cousin's daughters now wear it as a princess dress. :-)

This was both the bride's and groom's second marriage and luckily we got out of throwing a shower because the mother of the groom explained since they both had households a shower was tacky and NOT going to happen.

We did not speak for a good 6 months after the wedding. It was that bad.

[Xidelt]

A Mary Kay rep charging to do makeup? That's shady as hell. They aren't supposed to charge for that. I mean, you're just sitting in front of a tiny mirror putting cosmetic samples on your face with q-tips. Mary Kay ladies aren't supposed to put the make up on your face since they aren't licensed cosmetologists.

[IndianaSigKap]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

A Mary Kay rep charging to do makeup? That's shady as hell.

Exactly. She says she's also a make up artist, but those faces told another story.

[WCsweet<3]

I don't think I have spent more than $600 as a bridesmaid. The dress is usually $150-200. Shoes $100. $50 on the hair, but I refuse to allow others to do my make up as I have super sensitive skin. That leaves $150-250 for gifts. I've never been out of town from my bride though.

[KSUViolet06]

This is an interesting read especially since I posted it before I got into weddings as my "fun job" few years ago (more on the consulting and visuals side.)

With that said, there is no set amount for what a maid should spend.

However, I will say that it is imperative for the bride to consider her bridal party and their financial situations in her planning.

Example: I have clients who are 22. The vast majority of their maids are either in college or fresh out. So it makes no sense for her to plan on Amsale gowns, a Parisian bridal shower etc. when her party is not in a position to afford it.

In contrast, if you're 40, and your maids are all higher paid professionals, etc. the gifts, flights, more couture dresses are not as much of a strain.

So it just depends on your party and where they are in life. I shy away from "dear Lord, that is too much money" because what is expensive to some is not at all for others.
Just depends on the financial constraints of the party.

[southbymidwest]

Very good points KSUViolet.

Back in the dark ages when I got married, I paid for all of my bridesmaids' dresses because none of them were local (all over the US), and I knew plane fare to the closest airport, Toledo, OH was going to be eeeespensive. I also paid for them because bridesmaids dresses back then (80's bridesmaids dresses seemed to mainly fall into two categories: floor length puffy sleeve taffeta in an array of rainbow colors dontchaknow, or long quiana slinky kind of wrap things, also in a rainbow of colors...) could never, ever be worn for any other occasion, as they just screamed bridesmaid dress no matter what you did to them. No J Crew dresses back then! I just could not make my dear friends who were just a few years out of grad school or finally in a decent job pay-wise pony up for a one shot orchid colored dress. I also liked the idea of not really caring if they all liked the dresses or not, as I had paid for them. and really liked those dresses.

Not sure what we will do if/when the daughters marry (assuming that they do not elope or marry in their 30's and foot the majority of the bill themselves) as there really are dresses now that can be used again for other functions, but we will probably pay for something-either dresses or hair/makeup-we shall see, as neither one of them is engaged at this point. No sense putting the cart before the horse. Or so I tell myself as I look at the lovely wedding dress thread ...

[littleowl33]

I'm getting married in a little under 2 months(!!) and I'm also a bridesmaid for my Big's wedding in the fall.

My four bridesmaids (my biological/Kappa sister, my Big, one of my Littles, and another close friend/Kappa sister) are all young professionals and grad students with very little money to burn. We also all live in different parts of the country. So, I'm doing everything I can to make it as affordable as possible. We ordered dresses on Etsy for $125 apiece, and I'm giving them their jewelry and paying for their updos. They can pick their shoes and do their own makeup if they wish. Since the wedding is at a family property I have arranged for them (and their dates) to stay in guest rooms and we will take care of transportation to and from the airport.

The shower is being thrown by my family in another state and it's optional for them to attend. Because of the cost for all of us to do a destination bachelorette we are all coming out a few days early for the wedding weekend and doing a low-key girls night a few days before the wedding because that's what worked best for everyone.

Would I have liked to have a big bachelorette weekend somewhere? Sure! But I would have felt awful feeling like I was putting all of them out for cash they don't have, and what we have planned now will be tons of fun. Honestly, I wish I could have covered more of their expenses but I can't swing it.

For the wedding I'm a bridesmaid in the situation is similar: geographically spread out young professionals and college students with not much to spend. We'll all be traveling for both the wedding and a bachelorette weekend a few months prior, but the bride and MOH have been very sensitive to issues of cost. One of the bridesmaids straight up told everyone she doesn't have the cash to cover the bride's expenses for the bachelorette so the rest of the 'maids are working on covering her portion. It was awkward, but at least it's an open conversation among reasonable adults. No one is demanding that people spend beyond their means.

Those are my most recent experiences. ASTalumna, I can't fathom why a bride would demand that her closest friends spend themselves into a hole... I would be mortified to put the friends I care about most in a situation like that. Is she aware that this is a stretch for you? If not, would you feel comfortable talking to her or the MOH about it?

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by littleowl33

Those are my most recent experiences. ASTalumna, I can't fathom why a bride would demand that her closest friends spend themselves into a hole... I would be mortified to put the friends I care about most in a situation like that. Is she aware that this is a stretch for you? If not, would you feel comfortable talking to her or the MOH about it?

I agree. I've been on a few different wedding message board like weddingwire and theknot. It always surprises me when people bit... I mean complain, about their maids not following every little command. Perhaps it's because I'm not type A?

[honeychile]

I got married 2 years ago, and my bridesmaids were all from different states, and the wedding wasn't even in my home town! I sent a swatch of the color of the tulle swag we were using, and asked them to find a dress that they liked, knee to tea length, and silver shoes. I took care of their jewelry. I was able to get a block of rooms at a very reasonable hotel, and we all agreed that a simple girls night dinner was better than an extravaganza. As we chatted, we discovered that none of the bridesmaids spent more than $400 total, and I was thrilled to hear it!

I've been a bridesmaid several times, and trust me, I didn't have to travel to any of them and STILL spent well over $500 each time! An inconsiderate bride doesn't make for lasting friendships.

[ColdInCanada11]

Littleowl, you are awesome!! The bride of the wedding I was in had the attitude, "well, you agreed to be a bridesmaid, you pay for everything, you knew this when you said yes". Nevermind that she and her fiance were the only people in our group to have finished school completely, with everyone else paying for grad school. You are thoughtful and wonderful brides, ladies!

[Low D Flat]

I always wonder why more grooms don't re-think their choices when they see their fiancees treating friends/family like trash. Marry a Bridezilla at your (and your children's) peril.