Bridesmaid Situation

[tunatartare]

Do you know her fiance's contact info? If you do, I would suggest going through him to find out about the wedding and dinner dates.

[ThetaDancer]

What are the other bridesmaids doing? Has the bride communicated information to anyone?

[LPIDelta]

Hire an internet stalker to find their information....you'll get the info you need that way!

Seriously, don't pull your hair out *checks to make sure I used your properly* Its not meant to be this stressful. Set a deadline. If she doesn't responde, leave a polite message saying that you have to bow out of the wedding, but that you wish her best of luck and you look forward to seeing the pictures soon.

You're doing everything you can, and then some. I was so excited about my wedding I set up a website and mailed full itineraries to everyone that was coming well in advance of the date. I even had links to "Things to Do While You're in Annapolis" *checks spelling again* I know every person is different, but a wedding should be something you are so excited about that you cannot wait to share the details! Hopefully there isn't something wrong.

[adpiucf]

The other bridesmaids are in the dark, as well, and the MOH has tentative dates for the shower... I'm the only one from out of state. It is an inconvenience for everyone b/c they'll miss 1-2 days of work, too, but it's a 2-3 hour drive for everyone else so they're frustrated, too, but able to be a bit more flexible. Except for the sister, none of us has ordered a dress yet. The MOH may have; I am not sure.

I have her fiance's phone number, and if I can't get a hold of her, I may try calling him and using the, "I know dear bride is so very busy and I have just a couple quick questions that I was hoping you can help me with!"

I just want to know approx. start/end times so I can plan my flight and not have to spend the extra money (that I can't afford) on another evening in a hotel and missing more work!

At what point do I bow out? Flights are at around $300 right now... already more than I wanted to spend... when it gets to $400? At what point do I throw in the towel and give up? This is so silly; I agree-- every other wedding I have been a guest of/honor attendant to, there have updates upon updates until I'm sick of hearing about everything! I love my friend and I want only the best for her and to share in her happiness, but I'd love to know even more when I'm supposed to be there... and where the heck/if/when they have registered for gifts!

[valkyrie]

Dude, go have a beer or 12 and relax. You're driving yourself crazy because your friend is being an asshole -- you're making her problem (being an asshole) your problem (driving yourself crazy).

Until you hear otherwise, why not just assume that there's a good chance it's not even happening. Unless they're getting married at the Elvis Drive Through of Love, there's a very good chance they'd already have this stuff figured out and I can't imagine why they'd keep the information from you. If someday she gets her shit together and by then you can't get your dress or plane tickets are too expensive for you to attend, too bad so sad she shouldn't have been an asshole.

ETA: I would NOT call dude. I suspect there is some drama afoot with them.

[ZTAngel]

Originally Posted by valkyrie

Until you hear otherwise, why not just assume that there's a good chance it's not even happening. Unless they're getting married at the Elvis Drive Through of Love, there's a very good chance they'd already have this stuff figured out and I can't imagine why they'd keep the information from you. If someday she gets her shit together and by then you can't get your dress or plane tickets are too expensive for you to attend, too bad so sad she shouldn't have been an asshole.

I agree. With the amount of bridesmaids she has, it sounds like she's having a decent sized wedding. In other words, the details you're asking her for should have been figured out long before. A decent sized wedding usually takes more than 3 months to plan (usually...although I'm sure a very motivated bride could do it!) so she should've had this information months ago.

I'd let it go and assume that something has gone awry with the bride and groom and they're not ready to talk about it yet.

[adpiucf]

I can't wait to take you up on that idea, valkyrie. The workday is long.... You're right. If I don't hear back from her soon, then it is a moot point and I've done all I can over the last several months to be supportive, express my concerns regarding timely information so I can book my travel, etc. If I get the info so late that I can no longer afford to stand up beside her, it shouldn't reflect upon a lack of motivation or effort on my part.

[valkyrie]

Exactly. You've already done more than you should have to do, and it sucks that she's not being more considerate.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by adpiucf

I can't wait to take you up on that idea, valkyrie. The workday is long.... You're right. If I don't hear back from her soon, then it is a moot point and I've done all I can over the last several months to be supportive, express my concerns regarding timely information so I can book my travel, etc. If I get the info so late that I can no longer afford to stand up beside her, it shouldn't reflect upon a lack of motivation or effort on my part.

Valkyrie is absolutely right, and the bride is being terribly inconsiderate.

However, in your interest, just keep in mind that bowing out of the wedding could very well result in the end of the friendship between you and the bride. I know that she hasn't been a very good friend to you recently and it would be totally unfair for her to get mad at you/break up your friendship based on her lack of conscientiousness, but it's the truth. Human relationships can be notoriously irrational.

If she's been a good friend to you before the wedding dramarama and this wedding bs is a relatively isolated incident of her being a bad friend, you might decide that paying the extra cost for an airline ticket is worth it to avoid hurting your relationship with the bride. If she's been a so-so friend all along, or she has a history of being flakey, or whatever, you might decide that you're just better off without the hassle of her being in your life.

No matter what you decide, I don't think anyone would blame you for saying "screw it" and bowing out of the wedding, even if Bride had been a good friend before. I'd say a pretty strong argument could be made that a true friend would never put you through this kind of hassle, or at the very least wouldn't ignore your concerns.

[adpiucf]

Finally... We have contact! At this point they have booked their hall, but still haven't signed with the caterer, no location for the rehearsal dinner (not sure if they will have a rehearsal), and haven't yet found a hotel to reserve a block of rooms for guests. She is doing the invitations at home and they're almost ready to go out... I couldn't eek out any more details than that... I've decided to stay in the wedding, but I told her with the shower date still up in the air I could not attend, coming from so far away. She was really sweet about everything-- nothing is wrong on their end; just lack of communication. I booked my flight this week for the wedding and I'll buy my dress in a few weeks-- they're not custom-made, so it takes about 2-3 weeks to receive the dress (which I can then take to my seamstress to have it hemmed, etc.). I still think this whole event is seriously disorganized, but that's not my problem. I'll be there for the weekend to do whatever they need me for (setting up the hall, etc.), and keep my mouth shut.

Thanks to all during a very frustrating week. I love my friend very much, but this whole epsiode of hunting her down to get some questions answered drove my Type A-self practically insane!

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by adpiucf

Finally... We have contact! At this point they have booked their hall, but still haven't signed with the caterer, no location for the rehearsal dinner (not sure if they will have a rehearsal), and haven't yet found a hotel to reserve a block of rooms for guests. She is doing the invitations at home and they're almost ready to go out... I couldn't eek out any more details than that... I've decided to stay in the wedding, but I told her with the shower date still up in the air I could not attend, coming from so far away. She was really sweet about everything-- nothing is wrong on their end; just lack of communication. I booked my flight this week for the wedding and I'll buy my dress in a few weeks-- they're not custom-made, so it takes about 2-3 weeks to receive the dress (which I can then take to my seamstress to have it hemmed, etc.). I still think this whole event is seriously disorganized, but that's not my problem. I'll be there for the weekend to do whatever they need me for (setting up the hall, etc.), and keep my mouth shut.

Thanks to all during a very frustrating week. I love my friend very much, but this whole epsiode of hunting her down to get some questions answered drove my Type A-self practically insane!

Three months until the wedding and they don't have the rehearsal dinner space yet? Or the hotels? Or the CATERER? WHAT???

(I come from an area where you can't plan a graduation party any later than six months in advance -- weddings need to be finalized about 8-12mos beforehand! Unless it's a casual affair, this seems insane to me!)

I expect some headaches for you regarding this wedding -- hopefully nothing major but if this is really as disorganized as it seems, you might be in for a few surprises. I hope you can zen any annoyances that pop up and feel free to post back here if you need to vent!

[AXO Alum]

Originally Posted by AChiOhSnap

Three months until the wedding and they don't have the rehearsal dinner space yet? Or the hotels? Or the CATERER? WHAT???

(I come from an area where you can't plan a graduation party any later than six months in advance -- weddings need to be finalized about 8-12mos beforehand! Unless it's a casual affair, this seems insane to me!)

I expect some headaches for you regarding this wedding -- hopefully nothing major but if this is really as disorganized as it seems, you might be in for a few surprises. I hope you can zen any annoyances that pop up and feel free to post back here if you need to vent!

Agreed - this is going to be more than you showing up to help decorate or something. Sounds like you guys may end up serving food from KFC at this event!

I know things are "busy" in the wedding planning process, but geez, that's why you have a MoH (if not a wedding consultant) - and sorry, but its beyond being "busy" to have ignored your repeated calls & emails. She was being just plain rude.

Good luck with everything - I won't be surprised if you aren't back on here with another problem she is having (or creating!) because it sounds like she isn't at all ready for this type of event.