Quitting school after an unsuccessful SEC recruitment

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by ellebud

One of my dearest friends said that her parents were ready to sit shiva for her (memorial services in the home after a funeral) because she was graduating without a husband. They said that they "wasted" all that money.

Christ on a crutch, they actually said that to her?!? That's saying "you didn't get married by X age, so as far as we're concerned, you're dead."

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth (as you so eloquently put it ) my mother-in-law was sent to college for an MRS degree. Specifically, she was to find and marry a doctor, or (more realistically) a man who was in the process of becoming a doctor. (She did get her MRS degree, but my father-in-law - let's just say he's not a doctor.) She was sent to a less expensive college, because her parents had limited financial resources and OF COURSE they had to put her brother through medical school - why? - he was male.

[ellebud]

Yes. Her parents said just that. After all, the reasoning went, after college your access to single men (especially as a teacher) was going to be limited. And, if you met and married a teacher....how could you make a living? She didn't marry a doctor btw.

I must say that during my time I was discouraged from doing anything other than become a secretary. Yes world...a secretary. Not that there is anything wrong with being a secretary, but that was a life's goal...other than getting married.

And sending the son to med school and not the daughter: One of my friends had exactly this: She went to a junior college (and got married for the first time young) while her brother (the anointed one) went to med school.

....Oh, and the age at which you had to marry or your life was over? Twenty-five. That's it...twenty five. I did well. I married younger than that. (yeah me!!)

[Tulip86]

Originally Posted by ellebud

....Oh, and the age at which you had to marry or your life was over? Twenty-five. That's it...twenty five. I did well. I married younger than that. (yeah me!!)

Wow, I'd better hurry, only 5 more months to tie the knot

[carnation]

Originally Posted by BadCat25

It is so easy for us who did not have a failed rush to criticize the actions of those who did so I guess it is up to me to defend girls who transfer after having one. We do go to college for the education but a failed rush is public in your face social rejection and can be a devastating experience for an 18 year old girl. A transfer from one big state university to another does not sacrifice your education because they are all about the same so that argument doesn’t hold. What do you accomplish by a transfer? You might have a successful rush at your new school but rushing as a sophomore is always tough no matter what college you go to. At a minimum you will never again have to deal on a day to day basis with the people who rejected you. Never again have to sit next to them in class. Never again walk by them on campus. Never again walk by their chapter houses. Never again read about them in the school newspaper. You can in some sense give the finger to those who gave you the finger. For some girls it can be the right decision.

Since the advent of RFM, I have seen many girls do this and it worked for them. Most of them left really big schools like UGa and had majors that easily transferred. None of them had particular ties to the big school and as they saw it, there was hardly any difference between, say, an EED major at UGa and one of the smaller state universities. Either way they would end up a teacher. In the last 10 years, I've hardly known any women who then went back to the big school and tried to affiliate; they were happy where they transferred to. Most of them had great rushes at the smaller schools despite what happened at the first school.

Furthermore, no one's hometown friends made fun of them for transferring and believe me, once "real" life starts, no one is going to say, "There's Sarah. Would you believe she transferred so she could be Greek?" Usually people forget that they were even at the first school....you know, life is so demanding that the last thing anyone cares about is if and why someone left their school.

A few of these girls have already become valued regional officers for their sororities!

[blessyourheart]

I come from a family of 6 children, and when I was in college, there was one point that several of us were enrolled at different universities at the same time. My dad told my mom that he couldn't see the sense in spending lots of money on his daughter's educations, since they would probably end up getting married anyway. I guess the implication is once you are married, you don't have a career? Anyway, my sisters and I were encouraged to go to in-state less expensive schools, while the boys had no such restrictions.

[Alumiyum]

My mom has always been very clear that she doesn't care if I get married at all and doesn't reccommend that I do it young (which isn't a problem since I feel strongly that I should not even consider it until I'm confident I know myself and I'm not even there yet at 24). I will say, though, that since I've recently decided my current plan is to teach high school and eventually college...and that's my current boyfriend's plan too...I'm getting the idea that my family might be a little happier if I were dating a future lawyer or doctor.

I don't get it, but I don't knock the women that really do want to get married and have children. And I don't knock trophy wives, either. That's a job. Not one I could handle.

As for transferring only because of an unsuccessful rush, though...to me that either indicates an extreme inability to handle rejection (which isn't healthy) or a massive amount of family/community pressure (which is unfortunate).

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by BadCat25

A transfer from one big state university to another does not sacrifice your education because they are all about the same so that argument doesn’t hold.

Not necessarily true at all -- it all depends on what you want to study.

Meanwhile, I agree that anyone who does this has her priorities all wrong.

[DubaiSis]

At first blush I thought this whole thread was terrible, but I am given to thinking about this more logically. A lot of students who start at BIG U end up dropping out or transferring to MEDIUM or SMALL U because they just aren't well suited to the style of the huge classes, huge dorms, massive anonymity, etc. I think the hugely competitive recruitment that doesn't work out well is possibly indicative of this personality style.

And I think most of us would agree that size of college is not indicative of future success. So if you're going to transfer, you're probably better off doing it right away instead of deciding you need the more personal touch after a year or two when you'd lose a bunch of hours and have to virtually start over.

Are there ever situations where, let me pick 2 schools as examples where this could theoretically work, girl goes through recruitment at Florida State but it doesn't work out, so she drops out and immediately transfers to Florida International, which has recruitment nearly a month later. Could she theoretically transfer, start school and go through recruitment 1 month later? Please don't read this as me thinking it's a good idea; I'm just wondering if it ever does happen, and if there are rules precluding it.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by carnation

Since the advent of RFM, I have seen many girls do this and it worked for them. Most of them left really big schools like UGa and had majors that easily transferred. None of them had particular ties to the big school and as they saw it, there was hardly any difference between, say, an EED major at UGa and one of the smaller state universities. Either way they would end up a teacher. In the last 10 years, I've hardly known any women who then went back to the big school and tried to affiliate; they were happy where they transferred to. Most of them had great rushes at the smaller schools despite what happened at the first school.

Furthermore, no one's hometown friends made fun of them for transferring and believe me, once "real" life starts, no one is going to say, "There's Sarah. Would you believe she transferred so she could be Greek?" Usually people forget that they were even at the first school....you know, life is so demanding that the last thing anyone cares about is if and why someone left their school.

A few of these girls have already become valued regional officers for their sororities!

"Sarah's" friends and associates may forget that she transferred but "Sarah" will always remember how much of a "loser" she is regardless of how well she's adjusted to "loserville." And if ever asked (since social networks are strong regardless of how bad people's memories are) "Sarah" will most likely not divulge that she transferred because she had an unsuccessful rush at her first school.

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I know NPHCers who transferred because they were "rejected" and did not want to risk another "rejection" (and they didn't want to go alumni/alumnae/graduate chapter). Unless the aspirant was a complete psycho, the members didn't care enough to get them "blackballed" at their new college or university. After they crossed, some of them come back to their first school for events and others never come back to visit. NONE of them would be honest and tell people why they transferred. They'll say things like "I had a difficult time adjusting at this college" or "they didn't have my major." Sure.

[carnation]

In my years as a professor, I saw that happen several times, DubaiSis, although it was almost always for homesickness. People who transferred for other reasons--like Greek life--usually waited until the next semester or year. I've got to say, though, that I have seen far worse reasons to transfer than wanting to be Greek. Such as, and these are all real:

1. Wanting to be near a beach with good waves.
2. Missing the hometown Y's volleyball team.
3. A guy's family not having the status in the new state that they had in his home state.
4. Thinking that the university's terrain was too flat and ugly.
5. Missing the family pet.

I could think of more if I had the time but there are so many reasons that people transfer and if it works for them, fine by me.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

At first blush I thought this whole thread was terrible, but I am given to thinking about this more logically. A lot of students who start at BIG U end up dropping out or transferring to MEDIUM or SMALL U because they just aren't well suited to the style of the huge classes, huge dorms, massive anonymity, etc. I think the hugely competitive recruitment that doesn't work out well is possibly indicative of this personality style.

LOL. This excuse is exactly what I was talking about in my last post. Now it's possibly being reduced to a "personality style" and being compared to people who don't like more substantive things like huge classes, huge dorms, and large campuses.

[starang21]

spineless parents lead to spineless children.

[Low C Sharp]

sending the son to med school and not the daughter

That's the attitude my mother grew up around. She decided when she was ten that SHE was going to be a doctor. She graduated high school at 15, married a law student at 19, and by the time she was 25, she had the husband, two kids, AND the M.D. She had four daughters, and believe me, nobody ever told us that education was for the men.

Oh, and she transferred to a private school after freshman year because the big state school wasn't academically serious enough. Now that's giving the finger to everybody with the old sexist attitude!
________
EllyDee cam

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. This excuse is exactly what I was talking about in my last post. Now it's possibly being reduced to a "personality style" and being compared to people who don't like more substantive things like huge classes, huge dorms, and large campuses.

I see the connection she's making...that someone who doesn't handle that sort of recruitment might also not be able to handle the huge school as well. I didn't apply to any large schools because I knew from the start I would feel overwhelmed but I do have friends that tried it, hated it, and left.

But again, if the only reason is an inability to face rejection (or intense pressure from family and hometown social structure...I grew up around this but not in it thankfully), I think that's indicative of some deeper issues that need to be worked out rather than ignored.

Adding to the marriage discussion, my mom said my grandmother was plagued with "Honey, you need to find a good man before it's too late" comments. She married at (I think) 25, was truly gorgeous, outgoing, smart, etc. A good catch. She just wasn't interested in settling. But she had to constantly listen to these comments which is why she made sure not to pressure my mom or aunt into marriage, though both did happen to get married right after college. And it's why my mom has always told me that if I find someone fine, if I don't, fine. I do appreciate not getting that pressure from my immediate family...though it comes from just about everywhere else. (Like asking me when I'm getting married to my SO of a year...we haven't talked about it once and I don't intend to any time soon. I'm not interested and don't get why that's a problem.)

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

That's the attitude my mother grew up around. She decided when she was ten that SHE was going to be a doctor. She graduated high school at 15, married a law student at 19, and by the time she was 25, she had the husband, two kids, AND the M.D. She had four daughters, and believe me, nobody ever told us that education was for the men.

Oh, and she transferred to a private school after freshman year because the big state school wasn't academically serious enough. Now that's giving the finger to everybody with the old sexist attitude!

That is an awesome story.

A lot of people don't understand that it IS possible for a woman to do both, to have a successful career AND a husband and children. The Life Script of "go to college, join the right sorority, meet your future husband, get married, have children, and be a SAHM" got jammed down many women's throats in my parents' generation. It's a perfectly valid life path, but it's not the ONLY path. My MIL followed the Life Script, minus the joining a sorority and marrying a doctor parts. My mother, like Low C Sharp's mother, got married and had children (just the one in my mom's case) and also pursued a difficult and challenging career as a doctor. Some women decide not to get married at all, or to get married and not have children. All valid choices.