I Need Help!

[tld221]

i smell a recruitment thread in the making. well, more of a really prolonged, real-time COB-type recruitment thread.

[CougarGrad]

You've been given such good advice in this thread that I won't offer any more, but I wanted to say that, however this story ends, I wish you luck!

[JuliaNJ]

What a weird two/three days I've had.

On Wednesday night, I wasn't feeling well at all. But I still went out with the girls from the local sorority. We left about 9:30, went to this one bar that was pretty dead. So there was a lot of talking and it didn't go as well as the first time I talked to them. I felt a little out of place and the like. I was dressed how I normally dress but everyone else, naturally, looked at least a little different than I did. I just didn't click at all.

On Thursday afternoon, I ran into the one girl I kinda know who is in AST. She said that a few of them were going out that night (to this giant bar downtown that gets like hundreds of people that I've avoided like the plague) and asked if I wanted to go. I said that I did, figuring why not give it a try.

This time, I decided to try a little different strategy. I have a really easy schedule on Thursday so I went to the big mall outside of town. They have a Forever21 and an Urban Outfitters there. I've never bought a single item of clothing from either place before. I don't even know if I've ever stepped foot in any of those places before, actually.

But I decided that I wanted to dress a little differently than I usually do. I bought a bunch of tanks and dresses. I spent more on clothes yesterday than I think I ever have before in my entire life.

So, I was going to meet them at 10. I started getting ready a little earlier and wore this ruffled tank over jeans. Something I've never worn before in my life. My one roommate (we live in an apartment with two other girls) saw me and flinched. She never saw me in anything like that and asked me where I got that. So I told her and she kind was a little taken aback. Then she asked me what I was up to and I told her who I was hanging out with.

I've been good friends with her since like the first week of freshman year. I wouldn't say she's one of my best friends but we're still fairly close. We had tentative plans to go out last night to see her boyfriend's band but I told her that I was going to do something else. She was pretty upset when I told her where I was going. I told her that one of the girls I knew from class and she was really nice and everything. But she was still a little weird by it.

So I went out with the AST girls. We were at their apartment for a bit first, then we went downtown to the bar.

It was exactly what I'd thought it would be like. It was a little more frat than I'm used to. And the DJ was playing stuff like Lady Gaga and Chris Brown.

I really bit my tongue and made a concerted efford to just ignore the music and have fun. And I really did. I had a drink or two, danced, talked, etc. It was a really good time. I definitely felt like this is what I've been looking for.

I wore something like I did last night. I met a few of my friends for breakfast. My roommate was already there and told people who I went out last night. Her boyfriend (who I don't really like) was there and said something about it. No one else really cared but were joking about whether or not I was going to join a sorority. I just laughed it off.

But I really think I'm interested in rushing next semester.

[kddani]

That was kind of a jerk thing to do to your roommate/friend- you had tentative plans to go out with her then bailed to go hang out with people you barely know. I can see why she would feel alienated and upset. That's the absolute worst thing you can do is alienate and blow off your friends in favor of "new" friends.

Also, what on earth kind of music do you expect to be played in a mega-popular bar? Pop music is called that for a reason- it's popular. You can dance to Lady Gaga and Chris Brown.

It's good to hear that you're getting out of your comfort zone, but don't try to change into something or someone you're not. You'll never be happy, you won't keep the new friends and you'll lose the old friends. It's okay to make changes, but don't do a 180!

ETA: I don't mean to be so harsh, but I really felt for your roommate/friend when I read your post.

[JuliaNJ]

Originally Posted by kddani

That was kind of a jerk thing to do to your roommate/friend- you had tentative plans to go out with her then bailed to go hang out with people you barely know. I can see why she would feel alienated and upset. That's the absolute worst thing you can do is alienate and blow off your friends in favor of "new" friends.

Also, what on earth kind of music do you expect to be played in a mega-popular bar? Pop music is called that for a reason- it's popular. You can dance to Lady Gaga and Chris Brown.

It's good to hear that you're getting out of your comfort zone, but don't try to change into something or someone you're not. You'll never be happy, you won't keep the new friends and you'll lose the old friends. It's okay to make changes, but don't do a 180!

ETA: I don't mean to be so harsh, but I really felt for your roommate/friend when I read your post.

When I say "tentative" plans I mean that it's what we do every Thursday night and she just expected me to go like I always do. I think "tentative" is the wrong word actually. It's more "this is what we do every Thursday and will do every Thursday from now until we graduate." So I just told her I was going to do something else and she got upset. I don't think I was in the wrong at all (I think I have the right to go do something different) but I knew she was going to be upset. Oh well.

I knew that's what they were going to be playing at the bar. I expected it. I wasn't expecting to hear A Sunny Day in Glasgow. I put aside my own tastes just to have fun with these people. And I did.

I think if I go through with this... my friends who are my real friends are going to stick by my and understand. But my "friends" who are really superficial are going to be really nasty behind my back. So whatever, I'm going to do whatever I want.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

I put aside my own tastes just to have fun with these people.

Dude, if this is your mindset, you need to give this pursuit of Greek life up. Seriously. Martyrdom is so not attractive.

If your Greek system is really and truly so closed-minded that you feel like you had to go buy completely new clothes (to the point that your friends were when they saw you in the new duds) to hang out with its members, then honestly, I don't think it's a sytem that any of us on here would have wanted to be a part of. In the super insane big hair 80s, I occasionally went to the bar in a black turtleneck & jeans, straight hair, beatniked out. Because I could!! No one avoided me or didn't talk to me, they knew I was just having some fun with fashion. They knew that the next night, I might be there with my hair teased to high heavens, blue eyeshadow and a pink miniskirt. If you'd rather wear vintage clothes or all black or whatever, freaking WEAR THEM. Be yourself!!

"You are not your @#$%ing khakis." - Tyler Durden

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

I put aside my own tastes just to have fun with these people.

i have a HUGE problem with this statement. it just seems terrible. many of the ladies here have addressed it and i'd like to underscore what they've said; i am not in an NPC sorority and i want you to understand that regardless of that its really important that you pause and reconsider.

if you long to call a group of women your sisters, you should be able to be yourself and enjoy them. Now we can't even sit here and bash the orgs that you're interested in because you haven't shown them who you really are. is this a facade that you plan on keeping up? if you were to move into a house, would you trash all your clothes and hide your tastes? if you like what you're doing now that's all well and great but the problem with that is that you're doing it for other women and not for yourself. and by the very fact that you said you put aside your tastes means that you don't really enjoy it.

i'll stop here before I come off as too harsh. but i think you're doing yourself and the women a disservice by hiding your true self.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

It was exactly what I'd thought it would be like. It was a little more frat than I'm used to.

I'm interested in knowing what makes something "frat" by your standards.

[JuliaNJ]

Hey everyone. This is kind of getting out of hand.

I came on here because I express myself better when I write. It helps me thing. And by posting (relatively) anonymously on a message board to people I don't know who might know a little bit about what I might be going through, I thought that maybe it could lead to some good feedback.

It certainly has. I just want to go over some things real quick that are on my mind:

1) When I said I'm "putting my tastes aside" I mean that I'm not worrying about whether or not people will think I'm cool for not listening to Animal Collective. Because that's a rut I've been in that I want to climb out of.

2) I decided to add some things to my wardrobe and to wear them out. I wore them out the first night I went out with the girls from AST. I'm not throwing away my Ramones shirt or anything like that. But I'm not wearing those things like a badge of honor, either. That's another rut that I'm trying to get out of.

3) I'm really not as crazy as you all probably think. I'm really not depressed or have any other real issues. I'm just a little tired of the same old in my life and want to see what else is out there. I think we all, whether we care to admit or not, do put on a mask at some point to identify ourselves as part of a larger group. I'm trying to take mine off for a little bit. I've been too wrapped up in looking cool and worrying about whether or not the bands I liked were trendy enough. I'm trying to get passed that and by finding people who don't care about that stuff I think will help me evolve past that.

4) I really don't think that "all sorority girls are the same." Especially not after this week. Last night, I hung out with someone who wants to be a history teacher. Another girl wants to work in speech therapy. Another is an accounting major. All from different areas, really nice, etc.

4) But just because I'm getting past that doesn't mean that I'm stopping what I was into. I just got back from seeing Dinosaur Jr.

5) I'm glad a few of you used your detective skills to find out where I went to school. But posting photos of people to mock them isn't cool, I don't think. What does that person have to do with anything, other than the fact that she went to the same school that I do? I'm sure you wouldn't like it if people posted your picture on a message board without you knowing about it.

Thanks for everyone who has really tried helping me out here. This time last week, I was pretty down in the dumps. But I haven't been this excited or happy in a while. I'm starting to see the world a little bit differently and myself as well.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

Hey everyone. This is kind of getting out of hand.

I came on here because I express myself better when I write. It helps me thing. And by posting (relatively) anonymously on a message board to people I don't know who might know a little bit about what I might be going through, I thought that maybe it could lead to some good feedback.

It certainly has. I just want to go over some things real quick that are on my mind:

1) When I said I'm "putting my tastes aside" I mean that I'm not worrying about whether or not people will think I'm cool for not listening to Animal Collective. Because that's a rut I've been in that I want to climb out of.

2) I decided to add some things to my wardrobe and to wear them out. I wore them out the first night I went out with the girls from AST. I'm not throwing away my Ramones shirt or anything like that. But I'm not wearing those things like a badge of honor, either. That's another rut that I'm trying to get out of.

3) I'm really not as crazy as you all probably think. I'm really not depressed or have any other real issues. I'm just a little tired of the same old in my life and want to see what else is out there. I think we all, whether we care to admit or not, do put on a mask at some point to identify ourselves as part of a larger group. I'm trying to take mine off for a little bit. I've been too wrapped up in looking cool and worrying about whether or not the bands I liked were trendy enough. I'm trying to get passed that and by finding people who don't care about that stuff I think will help me evolve past that.

4) I really don't think that "all sorority girls are the same." Especially not after this week. Last night, I hung out with someone who wants to be a history teacher. Another girl wants to work in speech therapy. Another is an accounting major. All from different areas, really nice, etc.

4) But just because I'm getting past that doesn't mean that I'm stopping what I was into. I just got back from seeing Dinosaur Jr.

5) I'm glad a few of you used your detective skills to find out where I went to school. But posting photos of people to mock them isn't cool, I don't think. What does that person have to do with anything, other than the fact that she went to the same school that I do? I'm sure you wouldn't like it if people posted your picture on a message board without you knowing about it.

Thanks for everyone who has really tried helping me out here. This time last week, I was pretty down in the dumps. But I haven't been this excited or happy in a while. I'm starting to see the world a little bit differently and myself as well.

Everyone has given some great advice and it looks like you are trying to "get over yourself" as I was about to suggest. This was a long time ago, but in high school I was an intellectual snob, art snob, music snob, etc. I was better than you because I didn't listen to WSP, DMB, Phish, etc., didn't own 7 jeans, and didn't wear Chacos (all stereotypically "popular" at my high school). I made fun of "popular" kids because I thought they'd make fun of me, so I went on the defense. I am getting some of that from you. In college I decided to "get over myself" and discovered that I enjoyed some of those bands, really enjoyed dressing up occasionally, and even bought the damn Chacos which I now live in. Because the only real reason I steered clear of any of that was because I was 2 kool 4 scool. You might never like DMB, but you're still so very focused on your music and clothing choices as well as the music and clothing choices of others that you won't be able to focus on new friends and activities, even though you say you want to. I joined a sorority freshman year and found out that, like I said, I enjoyed some of the things I made fun of. I also found out that I still liked parts of my old wardrobe and music and remained an art kid (art major). Which means four years later I'm a lot more well rounded than I would ever have been had I not gotten over the notion that my music choices made me "different" and therefore superior. You're as unique as a snowflake-just like everyone else.

All that said your article on a small campus might be a problem. Making friends with sorority members and eventually bringing it up and letting them know you have changed your mind now that you've gotten to know some of them (if that's the case...don't lie if it's not, but don't join a sorority either unless you're truly able to drop the attitude) might help. They're probably just as offended by your assumptions and stereotypes about them as you are about theirs towards you and your friends. And no one likes a hypocrite.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by JuliaNJ

I'm not throwing away my Ramones shirt or anything like that. But I'm not wearing those things like a badge of honor, either. That's another rut that I'm trying to get out of.

I think you think that people think WAY more about that Ramones shirt than you think they do. (I think.) You're so obsessed with yourself at this point, there's no way you're going to be able to reach out to or bond with the women in a sorority.

If you want to wear more girly clothes or change your looks because YOU want to do it, fine. But it seems like you don't have the balls to do it on your own - like you're using interest in Greek life as an excuse.

This is probably TMI, but my first serious boyfriend pressured me to wear sexy underwear and things like that before I was comfortable doing it. I really resented him for it. Later, I had no problem with it, but the fact of the matter was I wasn't ready for that at the time.

Don't do things before you and you alone are ready.

(I was going to say are Dinosaur Jr really still together, but since one of my sisters just got back from a Psychedelic Furs show I guess that is possible.)

[JuliaNJ]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I'm interested in knowing what makes something "frat" by your standards.

By "frat" I mean that a lot of the people were in fraternities. And I knew this because they wore letters and things like that. And at the parties or shows I go to, there usually aren't too many fraternity members. That's all I meant by it.

Some cute guys, tho.

[violetpretty]

You remind me of my high school self, at least in attitude. My friends and I dressed like rockstars. I'd regularly wear vinyl pants to school. We were so into Orgy, Videodrone, Margret Heater, Dropkick Murphys, Jepetto, Korn, Coal Chamber, Tool, etc. and we made fun of people who wore polo shirts and khakis from Abercrombie and Fitch and listened to NSYNC, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. It was just SO AWESOME when Limp Bizkit beat out BSB and NSYNC on TRL.

By junior and senior year, I made friends with people "who wore polo shirts and khakis and listened to Britney Spears and NSYNC" and realized I actually had lots in common with them, as in, the people we are on the inside.

I still swore up and down that I wasn't going to join a sorority as a first semester freshman (still had the stereotypes in my head), but I ended up having a class with several sorority women and was sold on going through recruitment when I got to know them as people instead of just labeling them.

I'm not embarassed of who I was in high school. I still love the music I liked in high school, probably because it brings back fun memories. I still love the clothes that I wore, though they packed away in a box because I can't exactly wear vinyl to work and my ass is a little bigger than it was in high school. (And I can't believe how short my shirts were back then!) I realized that the core of my personality is the same, no matter what clothes I wear or what music I listen to.

But there comes a point where you have to realize that people are more than the clothes they wear and the music they listen to. You have to find out who you are, and that shouldn't be a process of "trying on" different stereotypical personas. Just wear what you want and listen to what you want to listen to without worrying about if other people will think you're cool. When you do that, your personality will shine through.

And I don't like DMB either.

One of my friends has this funny facebook bumper sticker that reads: "I'm so indie that I saw a band by myself in an underground room and afterwards I killed them so I would be the only one who knew of their existence."

[33girl]

This all reminds me...as some of you know my longtime boyfriend was a local musician. Hanging out with the people in the music scene, may I add that I LOLED MY HEAD OFF when I realized how much it was like...the Greek scene at my college. There were "tiers," there was guy drama, girl drama, drama between groups, everyone knew everyone else, varying relationship & breakup issues...it cracked me up. And considering the usual response I got when I said I was Greek ("YOU were in a sorority??? You don't seem the type, you're so...cool") I'm sure they would all shit twice and die if they realized how similar it all was.

[Shellfish]

I still detect the scent of troll. It sounds like OP is just waiting for sorority members on GC to chime in on how great it is that she's embracing these types of clothes and social situations, when actually we all have our own preferences. And I never knew of anyone who wanted to change their style who made a big public crisis over it. They just started dressing differently or, usually, created a look that combined various aspects they liked. You can do that, you know.

Seriously, life is not like a Venn diagram where the circles never intersect.