What defines a helicopter parent?

[alum]

The first time I heard the phrase helicopter parent was on a news segment. They profiled a woman who came down once a week to her son's campus and did his laundry, cleaned his room and made dinners for a week so that he wouldn't starve until the next visit. That seems a bit excessive.

The mothers on GC who have come looking for support or even just answers haven't particularly struck me as overbearing. Now some of them did get hostile to our younger GCers when they thought they were being insulted and that was wrong of them for being rude. However, these mothers making an idle threat to drop alumna support to their GLO is not an unusual reaction. I know plenty parents of college applicants who will stop financially supporting their alma maters because their kiddos didn't get accepted.
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In terms of the majority of the mothers who are upset, most of them are from the south. You've read it from both male and female members that certain towns seem to go XYZ or AAA at certain schools. I personally can't relate going down for Bid Day but no one in my family attended college in the Deep South. The mothers visiting to share in the excitement or to present a consoling hug is hardly a new phenomenon at some of those big Southern schools. If that had been a tradition at my daughter's school, I would have been there in a heartbeat. For that matter even if it wasn't a tradition but she had had an unsuccessful recruitment for whatever reason and she wanted me there, I would have also visited.

The southern girls in my undergraduate chapter told us, but I really didn't understand how much Greek Life permeated certain segments of Southern life much more deeply than in the north until I actually lived in the South. From seeing the marriage notices including Greek affiliation to outright questions of what you pledged (the assumption being that you were a member of a NPC group if you went to college), it was an eye-awakening experience.

[Srmom1]

Posting under a different name at home...

I think the line is crossed like EE-BO said when the parent isn't just watching from the sidelines anymore. They're front and center - giving up the play by play of their stellar daughter/son's rush

So, in other words - Get off the forum? You're not welcome, we don't want you here? You're a moderator - ban us!

Sometimes the parents are here because they are nervous and want a place to vent, then WE encourge them to share (and then some relish attacking them for it). I admit that last year there were some unattractive parents who, for whatever reason, be it anger, spite, revenge, what have you, posted nasty things after their kids were cut or didn't have a good rush (in their opinion). But, do you really want all the parents (even when we are active Greek women or men alumni) to just go away?

I think if those young men & women really wanted their story posted on the internet, they should be perfectly capable to post it themselves. They should also be perfectly capable to ask the questions they have ON THEIR OWN.

My son wouldn't come on this site if his life depended upon it But, he didn't mind when I posted (post recruitment) his story, and neither did the people who enjoyed reading it and encouraged me to post - and perhaps, in some way, the story of his recruitment can help others who might be thinking of rushing a fraternity which is COMPLETELY different than rushing a sorority.

I came on the site when my son was a senior (hence Srmom) to get information because it had been MANY moons since both my husband and I were involved in the Greek system. My son had expressed an interest, was being "rushed", although he didn't realize it at the time because we did NOT make it a deal in our house, he just thought nice guys were inviting him to go to stuff. By getting information on this site (and from EE-BO for one) it helped with the process. I understood what was going on and felt better about what he was going through and where he ended up (special circumstances in that he pledged a fraternity that is not recognized by IFC - EE BO, in particular, shed light on that situation).

So, this is a great website - full of information, full of fun interaction, full of controvery and spirited debate - why do you have a problem with moms/dads who come here to be a part of it????

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by Srmom1

Posting under a different name at home...

Just so you know, it is possible to log into the same account from a different location

So, in other words - Get off the forum? You're not welcome, we don't want you here? You're a moderator - ban us!

That's not what I said. There are plenty of posters here who I know have kids, and yet they don't just talk about hovering.

And another FYI, unfortunately, mods can't just ban whoever they want. If that were the case, we'd have very few posters here

Sometimes the parents are here because they are nervous and want a place to vent, then WE encourge them to share (and then some relish attacking them for it). I admit that last year there were some unattractive parents who, for whatever reason, be it anger, spite, revenge, what have you, posted nasty things after their kids were cut or didn't have a good rush (in their opinion). But, do you really want all the parents (even when we are active Greek women or men alumni) to just go away?

If you want a place to vent, that's what PARENTING boards are for. Like I said before, I know plenty of posters here who are parents but they don't use GC as their place to talk about controlling and hovering over their kid's lives.

My son wouldn't come on this site if his life depended upon it But, he didn't mind when I posted (post recruitment) his story, and neither did the people who enjoyed reading it and encouraged me to post - and perhaps, in some way, the story of his recruitment can help others who might be thinking of rushing a fraternity which is COMPLETELY different than rushing a sorority.

I came on the site when my son was a senior (hence Srmom) to get information because it had been MANY moons since both my husband and I were involved in the Greek system. My son had expressed an interest, was being "rushed", although he didn't realize it at the time because we did NOT make it a deal in our house, he just thought nice guys were inviting him to go to stuff. By getting information on this site (and from EE-BO for one) it helped with the process. I understood what was going on and felt better about what he was going through and where he ended up (special circumstances in that he pledged a fraternity that is not recognized by IFC - EE BO, in particular, shed light on that situation).

It's your son's perogative to go to whatever sites he wants to. If he decided he wanted more info about fraternities, he has 2 arms, and 2 working hands (at least I hope so, otherwise this is a moot point). He is physically capable of doing research himself whether it be here or somewhere else.

There is no reason why he should need your or anyone else to spoon feed him with information. If it's something HE wants HE should be old enough and capable enough to do it himself.

[lawgal]

If it is something the parent is paying for, would that give them an interest in finding out what they are paying for? As an example, if my kid wants a car and needs help paying for it, I want some information about the car before I do it. I do want some information about sororities and sorority life at my daughter's proposed campus. Hopefully that is different from helicoptering.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by lawgal

Hopefully that is different from helicoptering.

Absolutely. But the difference is: if you check out the sorority websites, ask anyone you know personally that has personal connections, and/or ask generic questions on GC - to me, that's being an informed parent. When you call the Greek Life office, visit the chapters yourself, and make demands (ahem, strongly worded questions) on GC that anyone who knows anything about the spesific chapters to give you all their info, as well as help you secure recs, etc. that's crossed the line.

I guess what I'm trying to say that the line (TO ME) is when you start doing things that are FOR your children that they can do themselves. Gathering your own (GENERIC) info for the purposes of having a basic knowledge of what you're paying for doesn't cross the line for me.

[Srmom1]

But when it turns into a public spewfest about why Patty Precious got dropped and how meanie everybody has to be to do that to her poor self and some of those girls were not as cute as my little wonder pup and she's SO devastated I need to get answers for her so I'm calling the school because HOW DARE THEY!!! ... I mean, really. What do they expect when they come here expecting people to CONDONE that kind of behaviour from a grown adult?

Like I said, there were a few parents last year who went over the bounds of - shall I say - decorum, in terms of their reactions to their kiddos rushes. But, it hasn't denegrated to that at this point yet this year, so no broad strokes of generalization. Not all folks of the parental sort are a bad sort.

I enjoy the recruitment stories. I would hate to see them disappear because of fear of posting.

[AlwaysSAI]

Didn't we have this discussion or one very similar to it last summer? I shall attempt to find the thread.

ETA: Found it!

[pbear19]

I'm not sure I've heard anyone say they want to get rid of all parents on GC. Sure, some people have less tolerance for parents sharing their kid's stories than others, but such is message board life. I have little tolerance for a lot of stuff. I'm sure there are people who have little tolerance for my relatively dispassionate posts. I sincerely doubt everyone will ever come to a consensus, but what I'm reading above is that the majority of posters who have replied have little problem with parents who are merely talking about their kids, but not trying to control their kids. Seems like the effort to control and smother are the more defining characteristics. And yes, people on GC have a real distaste for parents venting here. For good or ill, coming on this site and complaining about your kid's rush results is a recipe for disaster.

Would I be absolutely mortified if my parents were talking about my personal life on a message board? Yes. Do I cringe every time I see a parent doing such? A little. But, if their kids know they are sharing online and don't have a problem with it, then neither do it. I don't think it's right for a parent to be dishing about their kids when the kids are unaware of it, but that doesn't mean my opinion should dictate others' actions.

If we all left the site when someone didn't care for us, or if being disliked was a bannable offense, this would be a pretty dead board.

[SWTXBelle]

I believe the GC is very supportive of both pnms and their parents for the most part. It may well be that a few rotten apples have spoiled the whole bunch for some; however, it seems to me that we are very supportive of those going through the process but 1.) obviously when GLOs and their members are insulted by these same posters they react negatively and 2.) there is a belief that recruitment should be driven by the pnm, not the parent.
I think you can see some great examples of support of parents in many current threads. I know that I really enjoy it when I feel I can offer some information or advice that might really help a pnm. I am overjoyed to hear of a successful recruitment.
As I said in my original post, it's a tough row to hoe. I am always having to step back and ask myself if an action I am contemplating doing would be better done by my daughter. I think that it may be that heliparents aren't that introspective - they never question whether it would be better for their child to do it his/herself.
I saw many examples of heliparents while teaching at a private high school, although there the goal was to get into a competitive, high status college. One reason I home schooled my daughter after 5 years in this atmosphere (at which she excelled, btw) was because I did not want her to become a sullen grade-grubber, looking on learning as a means to an end instead of something of value just in and of itself. I would dearly love for her to join a sorority - but it's her life. It kills me sometimes to bite my tongue, but bite it I do.
It's very painful to see your child in pain at any age. I remember standing outside the ER door as my eldest had a spinal tap at the age of 6 months - and last year questioning what I had been thinking in allowing her to have her jaw surgery as they pushed her out of the or, hooked up to a morphine drip, swollen and unable to speak. But, you do what you have to do. When she ( or her sister, or brothers) is sad, or upset, I would give anything to keep that pain away from her, but I know she has to learn to deal with the negative emotions as well as the positive.
This summer my 18 year old went with her best friend to Oklahoma, a rock festival in Oklahoma. I didn't call her once, although she was kind enough to let me know when they arrived, and check in periodically. I had to slap my hand from making that call! But I've had 18 years to help her prepare for her life - so next Thursday it's off to college. I'll get her stuff in the dorm room, make the 3 hour trip home, and probably cry. A lot. And when I get a call from her about some boy who broke her heart, or a professor who seems to be picking on her, I will resist the urge to say "Where does he live? Can I kill him for you?" I'm not saying the thought won't cross my mind, but I know not to articulate it or act on it.
I really do sympathize with parents who are struggling to let go - but it's important that they do it.

[srmom]

Are you doing stuff for your kid because you have no life and accomplishment of your own at present? At the point you are doing stuff for your kid because you live through your kid, you've got a problem

Funny that you said that - here's a story, back when my oldest was playing little league football (12 years ago, he was 10) he was on this awesome team. I was so involved, living, breathing this football thing. They went undefeated through the whole regular season and made it to the "big" championship bowl game, anyway, the team ended up losing in a really tight game. I was sick, literally sick to my stomach, after that game (meanwhile my son was more interested in the pizza party somebody was organizing). I was depressed for days, when I suddently had an epiphany, I was actually letting the performance of 10 year olds and my expectations of them effect my mental health!! How pathetic is that?!?

So, with my husband's encouragement and blessing (in terms of really helping out), I went back to competitive sailing. Suddenly, when I had something to look forward to that was MY OWN, not my kids, I was able to let go - this was a major step in getting away from the helicoptering. My kids have had to deal with Mommy being gone periodically when I go to events. They do fine without me and I think it has helped them gain independence (plus they are proud that their mom is doing something kind of cool).

As for the "parent portal" where you can look up grades. I never signed up for it. I knew, that as neurotic as I can be, I would be looking at it 20 times a day (look how much I'm on this silly site), so I have just trusted the kids to be honest about grades, knowing that at some point the report card would be coming home, so they'd be busted if they didn't let me know if they were struggling. When they have struggled and asked for help, I've found tutors for them (cuz I sure as heck can't do that stuff anymore - calculus - forget about it!!!). I also am the terrible mom who no longer does "curriculum night", once elementary school was over - I figured if a teacher really needs me, they know how to find me, I don't need face time with them (and hope I never need to meet them).

Now that 2 out of 3 of my kids are in college, I don't know what or how they're doing unless they tell me. Sometimes I wish I knew more, more often I want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalalala I'm not hearing you" because my kids feel they can share any and all with us and some things are just TMI for a mom!!

Thinking about it, I don't think I'm a helicopter

[AOII_LB93]

I'm also wondering if our society doesn't encourage helicoptering in a way...granted I'm a HS teacher, but at all of the local elementary schools there are "class parents" and it's expected that the parents of all the kids show up and help out in some form or another. There's a message board and yahoo groups for the parents of the community where I live and for the particular schools. I don't have children yet, but I find this odd. Am I out of the ordinary?

Not that my parents didn't care for me, but that didn't happen at my elementary school. Ever. Maybe it was just the school I went to? Anyhow, I've experienced the helicoptering at the HS where I work and one of my good friends who works for USC (the real one-Southern Cal, not South Carolina) with all the super bright kids(Rhodes scholars, Fulbright, etc..) has had to deal a lot with parents in the last couple of years. She got chewed out by a parent on the phone because this woman's son wasn't named the Valedictorian and someone else got it. I mean come on, wouldn't this young man be embarrassed at 22 that his mommy is calling about Valedictorian to his university?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I'm also wondering if our society doesn't encourage helicoptering in a way...granted I'm a HS teacher, but at all of the local elementary schools there are "class parents" and it's expected that the parents of all the kids show up and help out in some form or another. There's a message board and yahoo groups for the parents of the community where I live and for the particular schools. I don't have children yet, but I find this odd. Am I out of the ordinary?

I think this is pretty regular procedure to involve the parents in their child's school, and MBs and yahoogroups are just a facet added with the technology available.

As with everything, it's the people who use it. Some parents probably just use it to check when rehearsals for the spring play are, but some heliimoms & helidads are probably on it every day suggesting what the class should do.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I'm also wondering if our society doesn't encourage helicoptering in a way...granted I'm a HS teacher, but at all of the local elementary schools there are "class parents" and it's expected that the parents of all the kids show up and help out in some form or another.

It's very possible to help out at school (the teachers need the extra hands) without helicoptering.

[AOII_LB93]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

It's very possible to help out at school (the teachers need the extra hands) without helicoptering.

I wasn't disputing that, I'm a teacher...I can always use help, but sometimes having a parent in the classroom can undermine the teacher's authority because the child is more inclined to look to the parent than the teacher if they do something wrong. I've also seen(as I've had numerous conferences with both parent and student) that some of the time the parents are making excuses for their children, or denying the fact that their child could ever do something wrong (i.e. cheating, copying, smacking some other kid).

Not saying that parental help is bad, I was just wondering if we aren't sort of enabling helicopterish behavior for some parents.

[33girl]

My elementary school had teachers' aides - who were usually moms of kids in the school. However, if mom was an aide in 4th grade classroom A, kid was assigned to 4th grade classroom B, except in special circumstances.

Then again our classrooms weren't grouped according to ability - if you do it that way it might be a problem.