So why can't ex lovers remain friends?

[HeavenslilAngel]

So me and my ex met our freshman year in college. We knew each other like 2 years and were like brother and sister. So we decided to try dating. Well I saw him more as a brother than a boyfriend, I was HEAVILY involved with ASA and we had exceptionally different relgious backgrounds. So we ended up breaking up. He has since distanced himself from me consideribly and I moved 4 hours away. He now has a wife that he met on the internet that does not even have a GED, and after like 6-7 years he still is like a semester or 2 from graduating undergrad. I've had a Masters degree almost 2 years now and graduated 3 years ago from my undergrad. In reference to the physical appearances that are turn offs, he has a very pronounced unibrow and bad teeth. Oh and I saw him at a wedding like last year and he gained weight with his new chick. We are still civil but not as close as we were. I feel sorry for him because I know I and other other potential chicks could be better; but I have too much else to think about and do in my own life and it has been like 2-3 years so I don't obsess over it any longer. I'm just single and ready to mingle and stay busy in the process.

[CarolinaDG]

My ex situations:

Freshman year boyfriend-5 month relationship, he broke my heart-He's now married, but we do the "check in" e-mails every once in a while

Junior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, he broke up with me, but I wasn't exactly broken hearted-we are facebook friends, but that's the extent of it. For a long time, I would turn and walk the other way if I ever saw him, but now it's more just a matter of not caring

Senior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, very mutual breakup, we did the check-in thing several months ago, and that's about the extent

Last official boyfriend-8 month off and on relationship... He got engaged two weeks ago, and we talk once or twice a week. We were best friends for a while after we "officially" broke up (yes, it was complicated) but then it was a matter of both of us getting different priorities

I think you can be friends, but usually if you're really over the person, you don't really care to be friends with them, anyway

[justabeachbrat]

Noooo.
Tried it 1 time, he brought up the breakup, and issue of fault. It wasn't a traffic accident, like a no-fault one.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by CarolinaDG

My ex situations:

Freshman year boyfriend-5 month relationship, he broke my heart-He's now married, but we do the "check in" e-mails every once in a while

Junior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, he broke up with me, but I wasn't exactly broken hearted-we are facebook friends, but that's the extent of it. For a long time, I would turn and walk the other way if I ever saw him, but now it's more just a matter of not caring

Senior Year boyfriend-3 month relationship, very mutual breakup, we did the check-in thing several months ago, and that's about the extent

Last official boyfriend-8 month off and on relationship... He got engaged two weeks ago, and we talk once or twice a week. We were best friends for a while after we "officially" broke up (yes, it was complicated) but then it was a matter of both of us getting different priorities

I think you can be friends, but usually if you're really over the person, you don't really care to be friends with them, anyway

Trust me - if you every have a breakup from a relationship that's YEARS long, instead of months - these others won't seem like ANYTHING anymore. Most likely, you won't even feel awkward around them.

I used to feel awkward around the guys I dated for a few months, and then I dated the EX for 3 1/2 years, and all those other relationships don't even seem to count. I think I would still feel weird around him today, even though I'm married and he's engaged.

[CarolinaDG]

Well, that's why I put the length of the relationships. I didn't want someone thinking that I was like, 'Oh, YEAH, it's possible to have great friendships with boyfriends" when in all actuality, I wasn't exactly talking marriage with any of them.

My point is more that if you're really over someone, you don't care enough to have a friendship with them. I think that there are some cases where you run into them on a regular basis and it might be natural to have a friendship, but if not, then you probably won't remain friends, even if you could.

[Blacksocialite]

I think it depends on how the relationship started and how you operationally define "friend."

If you mean, remaining friendly and on good terms after the romantic relationship is over then perhaps that is possible if the relationship wasn't horrible.

It would also depend on whether or not you were good friends before becoming romantically involved. And whether or not, one or both of you are harboring feelings.

I attempted to remain "friends" with a man that I was friends with for years before we became romantically involved. He was the one who pushed the whole "let's be friends" scenario. We would talk periodically on the phone and I think we may have hung out once or twice after our romantic relationship was over.

But, what I discovered later is that he was using friendship as a means to kinda keep me around. And, he would not share details about his romantic/dating life with me - although I would tell him about my dating life. He also attempted to rekindle a relationship with me although he was involved with another woman.

So, I ended it completely. I am convinced that it is very hard to remain friendly with someone you have shared your most intimate self with.

I think it's best to wish the person well and go your separate ways.

[MellySK]

yes and no. I'm really good friends with my high school sweetheart, but i think that's because it never got super serious. I've attempted to maintain a friendship with a serious ex from college, and well, it's been too much trouble.