Single ladies, how do you respond to "why aren't you married yet?"

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I figure I can wait if my grandmother did it way back in the day, and anyone who thinks there is something wrong with my choice to do other things before a family and kids is showing their own insecurity and perhaps jealousy since my single life has afforded me a lot of amazing experiences.

This is the way I feel. Although my maternal grandparents got married when they were 20, they didn't start having kids until about 10 years later which was INSANE for the 1940s! They got to go to amazing places all over the world and within the US because they spent their youth childless, and encouraged their children to do the same. All of the grandkids have graduated from college, and most have gone on to graduate school. I have never received any marriage or baby pressure from my mother's side of the family.

My father's side, however, is another story. Although my grandmothers are exactly the same age, my dad's mom started having kids in her early 20s and didn't stop until her mid 40s. Of my fathers' 13 siblings, I believe 3--including my father--went to college. Of the 60 or so grandchildren, 15 of us went to college and I believe 5 have advanced degrees. 50, however, have children. So, when I go visit them, they're like, "why don't you have kids?" What the EFF?!

Also, the idea of having a child right now scares the hell out of me. In my inner circle (friends/co-workers I see on a weekly basis), there's been one stillbirth, one nuchal cord that necessitated a week-long NICU stage, and one micropreemie. If you stretch it out to acquaintances and friends who aren't nearby, there are even more complications and a few miscarriages. I know this stuff happens all the time, but for it to all happen at once is making me very cautious.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

This is the way I feel. Although my maternal grandparents got married when they were 20, they didn't start having kids until about 10 years later which was INSANE for the 1940s! They got to go to amazing places all over the world and within the US because they spent their youth childless, and encouraged their children to do the same. All of the grandkids have graduated from college, and most have gone on to graduate school. I have never received any marriage or baby pressure from my mother's side of the family.

My father's side, however, is another story. Although my grandmothers are exactly the same age, my dad's mom started having kids in her early 20s and didn't stop until her mid 40s. Of my fathers' 13 siblings, I believe 3--including my father--went to college. Of the 60 or so grandchildren, 15 of us went to college and I believe 5 have advanced degrees. 50, however, have children. So, when I go visit them, they're like, "why don't you have kids?" What the EFF?!

Also, the idea of having a child right now scares the hell out of me. In my inner circle (friends/co-workers I see on a weekly basis), there's been one stillbirth, one nuchal cord that necessitated a week-long NICU stage, and one micropreemie. If you stretch it out to acquaintances and friends who aren't nearby, there are even more complications and a few miscarriages. I know this stuff happens all the time, but for it to all happen at once is making me very cautious.

The thing is though, I get from what you've shared about yourself, that if we were single women who had babies with special needs, our families have the resources to assist us (though we're capable on our own) and that we'd still have careers and achieve our goals. Sometimes when I am with my family I feel as if I'm the exception, and not the rule. I do joke though that my sister has been married three times, so between the two of us we're covered.

As much as I would like to be married and a mother, there are times that the thought frightens me.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

I had the opposite problem. I got married when I was 23, and more than one person (including my MIL, who herself got married at age 20 ) told me they thought I was getting married too young.

I realize this is a thread for "single ladies," but just wanted to jump in and say that my wife and I heard the same thing. We got married when I was 24 (she was 23), and we hear "Oh my gosh, you guys were too young!" quite a bit.

[ADqtPiMel]

Originally Posted by KSigkid

I realize this is a thread for "single ladies," but just wanted to jump in and say that my wife and I heard the same thing. We got married when I was 24 (she was 23), and we hear "Oh my gosh, you guys were too young!" quite a bit.

Same here -- we were both 23 when we married. I get a lot of people asking me why we got married so young. I'm like, "Uh...because we felt like it?"

[Jimmy Choo]

Even though I finally decided to take the plunge with my other half and get engaged I still get annoyed for others who are pestered with this question. I have HS school classmates who have been married/had children/gotten divorced/gotten remarried FOUR TIMES since we graduated....15 years ago. Gee, wonder why I waited to pull the trigger??

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by ADqtPiMel

Same here -- we were both 23 when we married. I get a lot of people asking me why we got married so young. I'm like, "Uh...because we felt like it?"

The majority of my friends got married at 23/24/25ish. I think they felt it was a good age because they were done with college, and starting jobs or grad school (and some who are continuing with school don't want to wait until after med/grad/law school to get married, esp. if they've been dating for a long time).

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by ADqtPiMel

Same here -- we were both 23 when we married. I get a lot of people asking me why we got married so young. I'm like, "Uh...because we felt like it?"

Do you think it's regional? Where I grew up, most people do get married at that age. I think it's coastal California and the Bos-Wash corridor where younger marriages are looked askance--the assumption is that either you did it because you were pregnant, or your parents didn't want you to live together before marriage. Not that I think either of those are valid reasons to get married, but it seems to make more sense to people here than the usual reason--that you get married because you love someone and you want to.

[lilzetakitten]

Originally Posted by ADqtPiMel

Same here -- we were both 23 when we married. I get a lot of people asking me why we got married so young. I'm like, "Uh...because we felt like it?"

We're both 23 and we get that a lot, too. The stunned "Oh my Gaaaaaaaaaaaawd... you're so young!" The thing is, the ONLY person who said this and really knows us is FIL, who also felt that DH should never get married or have kids. Luckily, he also felt that if DH had to get married, I was the person he should marry. Apparently, I'm awesome like that.

[groovypq]

I've been dating my boyfriend for four months, and already I'm getting the "where's the ring?" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??? Why would anyone want us to rush into anything? (especially with my track record, but that's not something everyone knows about)

[christiangirl]

I had a lull then started getting that question again. About 3 times in the last week and a half. I guess my birthday triggered something--my getting older renewed their curiosity.

[IlovemyAKA]

I get the "will you ever have kids?" question most often. I'm only 26 & my fam is trying to get me to skip steps.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by IlovemyAKA

I get the "will you ever have kids?" question most often. I'm only 26 & my fam is trying to get me to skip steps.

I know, right? I was talking to an older lady in my program and mentioned that I was graduating. She asked me how old I was and I told her. Her next question, "Any babies in your future?"

Ma'am, I have been dating a guy for all of 2 weeks, have an apt with no roommates, and still thoroughly enjoy sleeping in (and not having "baby weight"). I'm going to go with no.

I don't hate kids or anything. I have a nephew that I adore. They're just not for me at this point.

She mentioned that she had had all 3 of her kids by 22 (which was probably the norm where she is from), so perhaps that's why she was so surprised to learn that I don't have any.

There needs to be a "responding to 'when are you going to have kids?'" thread, lol.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

There needs to be a "responding to 'when are you going to have kids?'" thread, lol.

I say go for it and start one.

1. It would be a great place to trade witty comebacks
2. It would be a great place to find comardarie with others who are choosing to put off having children (including forever putting them off)

and most importantly:
3. It would be a great place for that oh-so-important PSA that this question is NEVER acceptable. EVER. There are too many people that have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, etc., and I have literally seen women brought to tears over the question.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I say go for it and start one.

1. It would be a great place to trade witty comebacks
2. It would be a great place to find comardarie with others who are choosing to put off having children (including forever putting them off)

and most importantly:
3. It would be a great place for that oh-so-important PSA that this question is NEVER acceptable. EVER. There are too many people that have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, etc., and I have literally seen women brought to tears over the question.

Ask and you shall receive. Well, you didn't really ask, lol.

[chickenoodle]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 3 years and we both constantly hear, "When are you moving in together?"

We both value our space and enjoy having our separate pursuits. I like coming home to my roommates and cats whereas he enjoys his peace and quiet. Why do we have to live together because we are dating? We have forever to look forward to, why rush things now?

I just roll my eyes whenever I get that question. It's not even their business. Grr..