Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Of course what her boss is doing is not the norm, but I think I'm agreeing with VandalSquirrel here. If she changes her phone number, then she'll just have to give the new number to people at work and boss will call the new number.

It seems to me that what she needs is CallerID, which her cellphone should already have. Use CallerID to screen the calls and don't answer it when it's creepy boss -- make him leave a message. And if he leaves inappropriate messages, document them and find a way to keep a recording of them. Also, use the cellphone caller memory to keep a log of all calls from him, with date and time, whether he leaves a message or not.

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

Originally Posted by 33girl

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

MC, I agree with this part, but I still would change my number and no I wouldn't give it to anyone else at work, especially to a company that won't lift a finger to do anything about a disgusting boss. Period.


Thank you.

33girl, I agree with you 110%.

Depending on one's position they may not have a choice in being "unreachable" and in fact doing that may tip the boss off and as she deleted previous evidence she'd have none. At my job I have to provide a home and emergency number, and fortunately if this was going on at my job it would have been handled better due to our structure. I'm a supervisor and there is no way I'd be able to function in my position by not letting my underlings and my overlords have my number. As much as we'd like to prevent people from bothering us, it just isn't always practical or possible. Depending on the company and the position being reached by phone is important for a lot of reasons, and in this case actually will provide evidence that was previously lost.

As someone who was a victim of harassment and stalking (not at work) changing my phone number may have stopped the person from calling or texting me, but if I didn't have those voice mails, missed calls, and texts it would have been a lot harder to prove my case (he was showing up at my home, work, classes, filing false police reports, talking to my friends, family, and coworkers). At least in my state harassment by phone is a crime and that law wouldn't have been enforceable by changing my phone number. This is why going to a lawyer is key, it may be a way to prove a crime is occurring. Plus for me, changing my number would have given in and let him know he had power over me, and I refused to let him screw up my life anymore than he already had. I considered getting a prepaid phone to use in the interim, but my sense of pride (and finances) made me change my mind.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

At my job I have to provide a home and emergency number, and fortunately if this was going on at my job it would have been handled better due to our structure. I'm a supervisor and there is no way I'd be able to function in my position by not letting my underlings and my overlords have my number.

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls. At this point, she is possibly missing calls that she might want to take because he blocks his number and she's too scared to answer the phone. Also, I don't know if the lawyers will agree with me on this, but if she does end up changing her number because of his repeated harassment, she can feasibly recoup the $$ it costs to do it.

I am dumb as a post about saving texts and vms from phone to phone, and she should definitely do that, but my point was that for the majority of people in office positions, which I'm guessing is what she has, work is 8 hours a day. Period. When you walk out the door people leave you the eff alone unless you invite them in.

The waiting outside the restroom door is unbelievable. I'm sorry you are dealing with such an obvious psychopath.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls. At this point, she is possibly missing calls that she might want to take because he blocks his number and she's too scared to answer the phone. Also, I don't know if the lawyers will agree with me on this, but if she does end up changing her number because of his repeated harassment, she can feasibly recoup the $$ it costs to do it.

I am dumb as a post about saving texts and vms from phone to phone, and she should definitely do that, but my point was that for the majority of people in office positions, which I'm guessing is what she has, work is 8 hours a day. Period. When you walk out the door people leave you the eff alone unless you invite them in.

The waiting outside the restroom door is unbelievable. I'm sorry you are dealing with such an obvious psychopath.

Changing your number is a huge hassle, and anyone who wants to harass you will find out your new number, guaranteed. In fact being unreachable can cause the abuser/stalker to escalate their behavior, and tipping them off may cause more issues. If this guy is as scary as we think, don't you think he's going to realize her number has changed and all of a sudden he can't reach her, and then ask her for her number? What then?

As I said before, as I was the victim of stalking and harassment, I was told to get a second phone line and keep the first one to document the abusers behavior as all the phone calls, texts, and voice mails are concrete proof to use for prosecution. I could have added a line to my account, or just get a prepaid phone, but I chose not to. In my case, and for many other women (and men) this is the only way you can prove there is harassment or any crime at all. The OP doesn't have to read the texts or listen to the voice mails, someone else can as changing the number is not an absolute protective measure and is a huge hassle, and doesn't always work with a persistent stalker and harasser. I especially think that if no one in her office, including HR is taking this seriously she needs every piece of evidence possible. The OP needs every shred of evidence possible as Sexual Harassment is not always easy to prove (and the company doesn't seem to care) and even if this man is removed from work she still may have to deal with him and get a restraining order. Honestly, until one is in one of these situations what seems obvious and the right thing to do, often isn't. When you're dealing with people who find nothing wrong with harassing and stalking someone, and what works on the average person (STOP, leave me alone, this is inappropriate) doesn't make them blink, the way one handles it changes completely.

Maybe her state doesn't care about the phone or texts, but since the previous ones have been deleted she is starting at 0, it is not bad evidence to have, hence why we continually say SEE A LAWYER.

Even when I wasn't a supervisor I always had a number where I could be reached either land line or cell as I needed to be called when I was off in the event someone didn't show up, called in sick, or something else happened. I think it is standard to be able to be contacted reasonably, and we're all in agreement that the boss of the OP is not reasonable in any manner.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls.

I'm not in a management role, and I have to provide a cell phone--not just a landline, or the company will provide one for me. I think it depends on the type of work. If the OP has a job that requires any off-site travel or dealing with things that may happen in off-hours, then it's completely different from someone who's in the cube farm for 8 hours a day.

I was harassed by a friend's boyfriend, and when I finally got my number changed because of harassment, campus security asked why I hadn't kept the voicemails from the months he had been harassing me. It was second nature for me to just delete them like all other voicemails.

[33girl]

I said in one of my earlier posts that she should definitely keep the old texts, etc for legal purposes - I also said I'm dumb as a post and don't know how to do that.

I also got the impression that she's in a cube farm. My point is that for many jobs all you have to provide is ONE emergency number where you can be reached, whether or not it is a phone under your name. You do NOT have to give your cell, pager, private email, etc etc. We give up WAY too much of our private lives to work and have only ourselves to blame when shitty people take advantage. This has nothing to do with the OP - this is in general. Private life is private life and work is work.

IMO it sounds like this is part of the overall company culture and she's going to get zero satisfaction from anyone in HR or elsewhere, no matter how high up.

[Boro]

IMO it sounds like this is part of the overall company culture and she's going to get zero satisfaction from anyone in HR or elsewhere, no matter how high up.

I'll bet the HR toad goes back and reports the conversation to her boss.

Gucci Model, I know the economy is bad, but no job is worth this. Are you looking for a new job?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

! I mean, really, !

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

Fantastic!!

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

Changing your number is a huge hassle, and anyone who wants to harass you will find out your new number, guaranteed. In fact being unreachable can cause the abuser/stalker to escalate their behavior, and tipping them off may cause more issues. If this guy is as scary as we think, don't you think he's going to realize her number has changed and all of a sudden he can't reach her, and then ask her for her number? What then?

On this aspect of it, I'm pretty much in agreement with you, and this is a major reason why. I think it has the potential to make things worse, not better.

But again, the OP's lawyer will be in the best position to advise her about it.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

! I mean, really, !

Fantastic!!

On this aspect of it, I'm pretty much in agreement with you, and this is a major reason why. I think it has the potential to make things worse, not better.

But again, the OP's lawyer will be in the best position to advise her about it.

Thanks. Sadly I am speaking from experience. After saying "this isn't going to happen anymore, don't contact me, we can't work it out" was worse than what had been happening. People (men and women) who are stalkers, abusers, and harassers will go to extreme methods to terrorize and manipulate to hurt and control the other person. Often it is turned around to where the perpetrator makes it look like the victim is really the perpetrator. My breaking point was having false police reports filed against me that made me look like I was victimizing him, so I couldn't even count on the police to make me feel safe and help me. Thankfully I had enough evidence and people to back me up he finally stopped. I know he is still doing stuff and keeping tabs on me, but it isn't as obvious and people are on to him.

The only part I blame on myself is that I let shame control me into not telling people who needed to know and could help me. These people count on embarrassment and shame of their victims. I'm a highly educated independent woman, with friends and family who are involved in my life, and that just made it worse to admit I "let this happen to me" but there wasn't a "let" involved, sometimes it just happens no matter how we protect ourselves. I genuinely thought he wasn't stupid enough to take it that far but the fact is these people aren't stupid, they are highly intelligent, charming, and diabolical which make them so good at affecting people. I learned so much about technology and how to spoof my phone number for calls and texts, fake my email address, and get onto my home wireless network (my idiot roommate didn't see anything wrong with letting him check his email and gave him the password).

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I said in one of my earlier posts that she should definitely keep the old texts, etc for legal purposes - I also said I'm dumb as a post and don't know how to do that.

I also got the impression that she's in a cube farm. My point is that for many jobs all you have to provide is ONE emergency number where you can be reached, whether or not it is a phone under your name. You do NOT have to give your cell, pager, private email, etc etc. We give up WAY too much of our private lives to work and have only ourselves to blame when shitty people take advantage. This has nothing to do with the OP - this is in general. Private life is private life and work is work.

I wasn't suggesting that you were wrong. I was sharing my experience where I did erase harassing messages and got the WTF? look from the police; hopefully I won't be harassed/stalked by a friend's crazy ex, but if I do I won't erase his messages!

You're right in saying that private life is private life; some of us, however, have jobs where we're not in the office all the time during business hours and need to be contacted. I'm all over the city at construction sites during the day--how could my company not have a cell phone/BlackBerry number for me? It's not as if my boss or even another co-worker is calling me on a Sunday night just to chat or harass me. One of my good friends is an executive assistant--we've been out on a Saturday night and she gets calls from her boss regarding a major deal that's going to go through on Monday. He tries not to do it, but sometimes it can't be avoided. Again, I'm just sharing my experiences, that it's not always easy to just "turn off" your cell phone in some professions.

[33girl]

Agreed that there are some jobs where you're offsite a good deal of the time - but if you have one of those, the company needs to sport you a cell phone, 100% on their dime. I sure as hell am not going to use up my personal minutes on whether or not the building on the cover of the Power Point presentation should have a green or blue welcome mat in front of it.

If you give people an inch they will take a mile. It's nice to think that everyone would be kind and considerate about things like that, but sadly, that's too often not the case - not even getting to things like sexual harassment. Then again, I'm sure my opinion at present is colored by some of the douchebags I've been working with recently who think everyone is there for their amusement or to do their bidding.