Advice and status of my move in

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

[texas*princess]

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

I feel like she has a reason to be concerned.

I will say though that him behaving differently is also a cause for concern. If he was previously the type of guy to try to ease his lady's fears and now all of a sudden he's spending all this extra time with this one girl that he KNOWS is causing problems with him and his finance, it's almost like he's doing that on purpose or something.

Unfortunately though, I don't have any advice to try to smooth things over with him.

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Nope. I agree with you.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Nope. I agree with you.

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

I know that. I just said nope because she's not the only one who feels that way.

True. I agree with you, as I do all of your posts in D&R. I certainly won't debate with you on marriage though, seeing that you've been married for 20 years. I think that's great!!! What I will say though, I still think "Gretchen W" should think twice before she marries this joker. IMO, I just see disaster based on what she's posted. Everyone handles their relationships differently, but for me I wouldn't put up with a 3rd party problem.

I still have to roll with texas princess on the issue.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

And this is how I feel. It seems like he doesn't give a shit anymore.

[Gretchen W]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

We weren't having problems until she came along.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

We weren't having problems until she came along.

Sorry "GW" for my last post. You keep adding. So now, what you've added, I agree with you. I would feel the same way.

Drop the bum.

[texas*princess]

Like someone already posted, I think pre-martial counseling NOW will be better than right before the wedding.

You will be more busy/stressed/etc when the wedding gets closer than you are now.

And I could be wrong, but if there are troubles in the bedroom, (i.e. he says he is too stressed for sex or it's just not as great as it used to be and he makes excuses for it) that is a definite red flag.

[Munchkin03]

I'm a huge fan of talk therapy, so I'm not saying this as a slam against you--but I think that it'd be good for you to get counseling by yourself prior to and along with any pre-marital counseling.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

And I could be wrong, but if there are troubles in the bedroom, (i.e. he says he is too stressed for sex or it's just not as great as it used to be and he makes excuses for it) that is a definite red flag.

Ditto

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

And I could be wrong, but if there are troubles in the bedroom, (i.e. he says he is too stressed for sex or it's just not as great as it used to be and he makes excuses for it) that is a definite red flag.

Agreed!

I’m not going to imply that all men crave sex all the time, but.. they almost kind of do. Or rather, they probably won’t pass up an opportunity for it if one presents itself... especially if it's coming from their girlfriend/fiance who they love dearly.

My boyfriend is incredibly busy... he is currently taking 16 credits, he is an assistant manager at a branch of Citizens Bank where he works 30 hours/week, and he is currently living and breathing Delta Chi, as he is the New Member Director and Treasurer for his chapter. Some nights, he won’t get any more than 4 hours of sleep, and some days, between work, school/homework, and the fraternity, he’s running around straight from 8am until 11pm, or later. I’ll admit, understandably, that he doesn’t initiate sex as often during the school year as he does over the summer, but if sex is propositioned, he very rarely (if ever) turns it down.

The more you talk about your situation, the more it sounds as if there are real problems between the two of you, and this girl is not the major issue. Because if you were completely happy and content with each other, these additional problems would not be coming up. This girl just hanging out with your boyfriend, or him talking to her outside by her car shouldn’t stir up all kinds of hatred toward her. But with other things becoming problematic, I can understand why that would happen. Most people would probably associate one thing with the other.

Counseling sounds like a very good idea. But get it soon. And I know you said that you were just mad when you typed it, but definitely don’t take revenge on him, whether that be through a study buddy of your own, or by any other method.

[Gretchen W]

I read all of the comments and thanks. I've decided not to go through with it because last weekend I talked to him about it, and he gets really defensive about it and then it turns into the same heated arguments we've been having about her. They haven't had any study sessions this week because they just took mid term exams, but I've seen e-mails from her to him. I didn't open them, because he would know I was reading his mail. We share passwords but we don't read each others mail. I never even looked in his inbox until she showed up. I never felt I had a reason to. I haven't told him that I want to call it off yet, but I'm going to. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love him so much. He's the only guy I've ever felt this way about. It's going to be very hard to move on. I just wish he would understand my feelings sometimes. And even if he doesn't understand all of me, sometimes I wish he would listen to me. That's all I ask, is for him to listen. I think it's pretty shitty, and extremely disrespectful for a woman to get involved with a man who's already taken, or who is about to be taken and vise versa. If she knows he's involved with another woman, or is in the process of getting involved with a woman rather it be an engagement, friendship that's headed towards more, or just simply a serious relationship than she should mind her own business. Maybe I'm looking too far into this, but this has happened to me several times before. Whenever, I try to get involved with a guy I like, or when I do get involved with him, some bitch gets involved knowing about me. Those were crushes and short term relationships, but this is my future husband. This is bullshit and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm calling it off.

Thanks for your advice.

[teena]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I read all of the comments and thanks. I've decided not to go through with it because last weekend I talked to him about it, and he gets really defensive about it and then it turns into the same heated arguments we've been having about her. They haven't had any study sessions this week because they just took mid term exams, but I've seen e-mails from her to him. I didn't open them, because he would know I was reading his mail. We share passwords but we don't read each others mail. I never even looked in his inbox until she showed up. I never felt I had a reason to. I haven't told him that I want to call it off yet, but I'm going to. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love him so much. He's the only guy I've ever felt this way about. It's going to be very hard to move on. I just wish he would understand my feelings sometimes. And even if he doesn't understand all of me, sometimes I wish he would listen to me. That's all I ask, is for him to listen. I think it's pretty shitty, and extremely disrespectful for a woman to get involved with a man who's already taken, or who is about to be taken and vise versa. If she knows he's involved with another woman, or is in the process of getting involved with a woman rather it be an engagement, friendship that's headed towards more, or just simply a serious relationship than she should mind her own business. Maybe I'm looking too far into this, but this has happened to me several times before. Whenever, I try to get involved with a guy I like, or when I do get involved with him, some bitch gets involved knowing about me. Those were crushes and short term relationships, but this is my future husband. This is bullshit and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm calling it off.

Thanks for your advice.

I wish you luck

[ZTAngel]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Maybe I'm looking too far into this, but this has happened to me several times before. Whenever, I try to get involved with a guy I like, or when I do get involved with him, some bitch gets involved knowing about me.

Have you ever sat back and done an evaluation of the type of guy you've been seeking out? I'm about to go all Dr. Phil on you but I've seen this happen with several of my friends where they are constantly getting cheated on by their significant other and can't understand why it keeps happening to them. Subconsciously, they (and you) might be seeking out guys who are like this because of your own hesitation to get emotionally involved with someone or because you're not ready for that long-term commitment. If it happens once, that sucks but if you're continually getting into relationships with men who wind up straying then I think you need to do some self-discovery and find out why you're going after this type of guy.