Going through changes

KSUViolet06 · #1 04-25-2008, 05:30 PM

There are some changes that I wouldn't have a problem with, if they were like bad habits that I'd probably be better off without anyway (like biting my nails). If I had a serious boyfriend who wanted me to quit doing that, I probably would.

Then there are other things that are part of who I am that can't be negotiated. Things like my introverted personality. If I guy told me that in order for us to be together, we'd have to spend Thursday-Sunday at the bars with his friends, I would break up with him. It's just not part of my personality to go out every night. Or something that is the core of my life like religion, that's another thing I don't negotiate. I'm a Christian. If a guy was like "For us to be together, I want you to never pray, read the bible, or go to church again" I would tell him to kick rocks.

This whole issue is why it's SO important to spend time with a person BEFORE dating them. Go places with them as friends, meet their friends, and see what they're about. The more you know about a person before you date them, the less likely you are to face an issue where the 2 of you are on TOTAL OPPOSITE sides of an issue (i.e. he likes to go out and you know you hate it).

AKA_Monet · #2 04-25-2008, 07:00 PM

No matter what we all say, at some point, we make changes to ourselves when we are in a permenent relationship, i.e. marriage. Be it communication styles, small changes in our looks, the way we eat, drink and be merry and our friendships. Be it the "bad reasons" to change, massive plastic surgery and we pay to look like Barbie and he or she drops us the minute we accomplish the goal, etc.

I changed the type of man I dated before I got married. I usually dated the athletic wonders, special dark chocolate guys. I married a goof-ball nerd into his "gizmos". The nerds learn "things" faster... At any rate, I had to change my "self-destructive" behavior because it affect my physical health and I was grossly unhappy. When I choose to pursue my nerdy husband, he made me laugh and very completely happy. And nerd does clean up nicely... Whereas, po' broke phi broke kneegrow never cleans up no matter what place you put them...

smiley21 · #3 04-26-2008, 07:51 PM

There was a guy that I dated that always had something to say about the way that I looked. Why I lasted so long with him, I will never understand. I was stupid. Anyway, he always had an issue about my weight. Let me point out that I am a size 4. He wanted me as a 2 or 0. Then he said that I needed to plastic surgery to enhance my body, because he only likes dating very skinny women with a very nice chest. There was always something that made him nitpick at my body. When I finally cut him off, I felt very liberated.

To all the women out there: This why you need to be happy with yourself before getting involved with someone. Do not let yourself get manipulated into changing your appearance (physical or cosmetic) by someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. When he starts making you feel ugly, cut him off.

Now I am not against change in a relationship. Improving something is a great thing. It just needs to be your own decision. Do not let yourself get manipulated.

cheerfulgreek · #4 04-28-2008, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

the way we eat,

Do Rice Krispies count? lol

christiangirl · #5 04-28-2008, 02:51 PM

Yeah, I guess it depends. I would never lose weight, cut my hair, buy different kinds of clothes, etc. for a guy. My appearance is mine and that's that. But if my bf wanted me to work on sharing more, communicating better, or being more sensitive, well I'd change that for anybody. I'd never intentionally hurt someone, so if those things about me was hurting them, then sure I'd change. The addict thing was very relevant--I would stop drinking around my SO if they needed me not to. I don't drink much anyway, so it's not really a sacrfice. Likewise, if I found out the person I was dating was a smoker, I would most likely end it unless they changed that for me. For health reasons, I can't handle cigarette smoke, so if we were going to get serious, he'd have to choose. But this is one of the first questions I ask a guy, before we even start dating, so hopefully it won't come up.

DolphinChicaDDD · #6 04-28-2008, 03:15 PM

Maybe its just because all the women in my office are going through their "changes" but I totally thought this thread was going to be about menopause.

Carry on.